Six Years (11 page)

Typical. So very typical. Whatever she had told him, he had believed the girl he shagged instead of the one he claimed to be his 'best friend'. Sex with men will always prevail. I knew it, but it hurt coming from Nolan.

Of course, it had to be me, right?

I turned off my phone before I went for a shower, hoping that it would calm my nerves. Hot water was one of the best medicines. As soon as the water fell on my skin, I moaned, releasing some of the tension in my shoulders, back and neck. I didn't push away the hair sticking to my face as the water fell like heavy rain.

Palms against the tiles, I hung my head between my shoulders and closed my eyes, focusing on the drops falling from my chin and nose. Right there, if I cried my tears would mingle with the water, making it easy to ignore them, ignore the fact that I was showing a weakness I wasn't used to showing. I could pretend that I wasn't crying or that I wasn't crushed by Nolan's words to my text.

When my fingers started to prune, I turned off the shower and wrapped myself in my big black towel. With another one, smaller, I toweled off my hair and combed it, not once looking at myself in the mirror above the sink, even when the mist cleared. I didn't want to see my eyes all red, it would be a proof of my weakness and facing it was not on my agenda.

I turned off the light and padded to my bedroom in the semi-darkness. When I felt my towel starting to fall, I secured it with my hand while I turned on the light in my bedroom. When I saw someone standing in front of the window, I yelped and brought my free hand to my mouth.

There, with a spark of fury in his eyes, Nolan was waiting for me. His eyes took my almost naked self in all its glory and fidgeted on his feet. At least, I took him by surprise too.

"What are you doing here?" I closed the door behind me. "Stop barging into my bedroom, it's annoying."

"You turned off your phone. Do you really think I'd drop an argument like this? You know me better than that."

"Could you turn around at least? I'd like to put on some clothes."

He crossed his arms over his chest, his grey tee-shirt straining at the shoulders and leaned against the wall, just beside the window. "No."

"No?"

"No," he confirmed firmly.

"You got me a gift?"

He chuckled and tugged softly on my high ponytail. "It's Christmas, Little B."

I blushed and looked down to the small gift wrapped in bright red paper wrap and on closer inspection; there were tiny snow flakes here and there. Since I met Big No, he always gave me something for Christmas, but it usually was a DVD or a Christmas card made with a picture of the both of us and his gifts were never wrapped like this. It was different and it made my heart race in my chest.

"Don't look at it, open it," he urged me. His smile was wide and perfect, it was the one I loved so much, the one I was always looking for whenever I was looking at him.

With a small laugh, I tore the paper wrap and found a little black box. I frowned and opened it. My breathing stopped altogether and my hands tightened their grip on the little box without me noticing until my little knuckles turned a weird white color. There, there was the prettiest bracelet I'd ever seen. It was thin and silver with a charm shaped in a heart made of a purple stone.

"It's an amethyst. I know your favorite color is red, but a ruby is too expensive," he explained, his voice more rushed than I was used to.

I couldn't look away from the bracelet. I was afraid that it would disappear. "I love it. It's so beautiful," I said in awe.

Gently, he took the box from my hands and reached for the bracelet. I gazed up at him and smiled the biggest smile I had ever smiled. It even hurt my cheeks. I extended my left wrist to him and he fastened it on me—he succeeded after four attempts and as many curses muttered under his breath.

I didn't want to say a word; I just wanted to look at this bracelet shining under the light coming from the lamp on my bed side table. And the little stone was so perfect! An amethyst. I had an amethyst.

"Thank you, Big No. It's perfect," I said, breaking the silence. But what I didn't say was 'just like you are perfect'. I was still too young for him, but I knew what I should and shouldn't say. In the meantime, I could cherish my bracelet, the first time a boy, or a guy here, had given me any jewelry.

"Not as perfect as you are, Little B. Don't ever forget it. You're my perfect little girl." He hugged me sideways, his eyes lost in his thoughts, darkening with what I was sure to be sad memories.

I snuggled into his chest, cradling my wrist with the bracelet to my lap. "I heard on TV today that perfection doesn't exist and I sure am not perfect."

He kissed the top of my head and sighed. "Perfection is what one makes it up to be and to me, you're perfect. Nobody will be as perfect as you are."

"Then, you're my perfection too."

He laughed at my words, but what he didn't see were my blazing hot cheeks. What he didn't know were my true feelings for him. He was my perfect with all his imperfections. He was my dream, more so than going to college in San Francisco. He was my biggest dream as silly as it was.

BROOKLYN

To say that I was flabbergasted was an understatement. I couldn't tear my eyes from him and he wasn't budging either. Suddenly, my almost naked state made me feel shy, which was quite weird. I had never been shy with my body around a guy. Although I had never been almost naked in front of Nolan.

Each drop of water that fell from my damp hair and down my neck made me crave a touch that wasn’t from the water. If I had closed my eyes, I would have been able to picture Nolan's fingertips brushing along my skin, eliciting a moan from me instead of droplets of water. But I kept my eyes wide open and my arms tight around me to keep my towel from falling.

"I'm almost naked," I pointed out again, sure that he was out of his mind. Or maybe he didn't give a shit about me and didn't even feel like I was a woman at all. It would be so mortifying. As if it wasn't enough that he rejected me when I kissed him.

His eyes left my face briefly, but long enough to burn a hot trail down my body. I should enjoy the slight blush that appeared on his face when his eyes took in my bare legs still damp from my shower, but it only made me want to hide myself. Yet, I didn't want his eyes to come back to my face. But they did.

"So what? I'm not here to ogle you, Brooklyn."

"Of course not!" I scoffed, tension rushing back in my body. "You want to fight with me because I dared to question the honesty of your perfect girlfriend."

"She is a sweet girl and I can’t—"

"Imagine that she'd do anything to me, while I'm more of a spitfire. Is that right?" I finished for him with venom in my voice. I extended my wrist in front of me. Even in the dim light and with him on the other side of my bedroom, I knew he could see the angry marks on my skin made by the she-bitch's nails.

Nolan's eyes darkened and his lips thinned. A muscle in his jaw ticked. I made a move to hide my wrist back under my other arm, but he walked to me and stopped me. With soft fingers, he took my hand in his and examined more closely my wrist, his eyes not missing a scratch.

"What happened?"

I pulled away and sat on my bed, careful to keep my towel around me. "She wanted to tell me that you're not available or some shit like that."

"I can't believe she'd do something like this."

I narrowed my eyes on him. "Are you implying that it's my fault?"

"Not at all," he said. He shook his head and sat next to me. There was a teeny tiny gap between us, just enough for us not to touch each other and yet close enough for me to feel the warmth coming from him. Or maybe it was a trick of my mind, which wasn't impossible. "She's just so kind. She never raises her voice."

"Did you ask her what happened then? I mean, at least I hope you doubted her words when she told you that I was mean to her."

"Little B..."

"Stop it!" I turned slightly to face him. "Don't use that silly nickname to placate me. I get it, she's your girlfriend, you love her and all that shit, but you’ve known me since I was nine and you've known her only for the last seven months or so and you prefer to believe her right away instead of listening to what I had to say."

"You told me yourself that I don't know you anymore. Fuck, even Mike told me that you’ve changed, too much maybe."

"That's rich." I laughed humorlessly. "I grew up, but that doesn't mean that I became some kind of big badass bitch, Nolan."

"I'm sorry, okay.’’ He sighed and took a deep breath. “I’m sure she'll come and apologize too. It's not easy for her to discover all my past like this."

I gaped at him and shook my head. “Wow, you're really smitten."

“Why do you say that?’’ He nibbled on his lip ring and frowned at me.

"Because you find her all kinds of excuses. I just hope that she loves you as much as you love her, which I have a hard time believing.’’

"What do you mean?" His frown deepened.

I shrugged. “Nothing much. You should go back and talk to her. I don't want to be between the two of you.’’ I pushed through the lump in my throat. “You have things to figure out with your mother and a demanding girlfriend. Me?’’ I pointed at my chest. “I have to work my ass off to save enough money to move out. We both have a very different life and right now it's clashing."

He turned more toward me, his eyes boring into the side of my face. “Tell me if I'm wrong, but it looks like you're pushing me away because she's here."

"You know how I feel about you. It's...painful to see the two of you together.’’

Silence fell between us, heavy with tension. My chest, my stomach, my whole body was aching. It’s hard to see him, to think of him sharing a bed with another woman, to picture his lips on someone else’s.

"How do you know it's truly love you feel for me?’’ he asked, his voice barely above a whisper as if he’s afraid of my answer.

"I always think about you, my heart hammers whenever we're together, I want to touch you, kiss you and even if I'm crazy mad at you, I want to be in your arms because that's where I feel complete. It's all very cliché, but that's how I know what I feel for you is real and that this shit won't go away."

I looked down to my bare knees and mentally willed Nolan to leave now. How many times did I have to bare my soul to him? How many times would I be able to go through the same rejection and humiliation? That was too much for me. I believed I was a strong woman, the kind that got back up after being knocked down, but he was breaking my heart over and over.

"Don't look down," he whispered softly. His breath caressed my skin from my shoulder to elbow. With his finger, he brought my face up towards his. "You should never look down."

I was so close to him, so close to his lips, so close to the little loop on his lower lip that sent sinful messages in my head whenever I looked at it. I could still feel the softness of his lips against mine and yet, it was now a memory that would stay in the past, never to be experienced again. His scruff on his face proved he wasn't eighteen anymore, but every bit of a man, a man I craved to taste. His eyes so soft and always all-seeing when directed to me, were taking me in as if to find something hidden on my face, but I wasn't a mystery. Not anymore. I wanted to feel the soft locks of his hair in my palms, I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss him hard, hear him groan because of me, hear him groan for me. But it was all bound to stay in my fantasies.

I took a deep breath and released it softly, trying to compose myself as my wayward thoughts got me all worked up again. It was so embarrassing to feel such an attraction when the other person was only feeling a brotherly attachment.

"Please, go. I can't do this right now."

"Do what?"

"Resist you, forget what I want."

His eyes fell on my lips before they went back to my eyes, but it brought back questions, hope even. And before I could ask what it was, Nolan leaned closer to me, closer to my face. I sucked in my breath and didn't dare to move. In fact, I wasn't sure I could still control my limbs. Our noses were almost touching and our eyes were still locked together.

Without thinking about it, I moistened my lips with the very tip of my tongue and Nolan's eyes darkened. My heart was hot in my chest, inflating with every beat. I swallowed and waited, sure that it wasn't what I wanted it to be.

But it was what I wanted it to be.

With a last hard, hot look, he closed his eyes and brought his lips to mine and all my thoughts deserted me at once. Just with the first brush of his lips against mine. His lips were hot and supple, but purposeful. He was the one leading and I was all too happy to let him.

He gently sucked on my lower lip, biting it carefully with his teeth. It sent tingles all over my body and I had to hold on to his strong shoulders, firm under my fingers. I opened my mouth and tugged once on his lip ring. What happened next was the best sound I had ever heard before. He groaned so deeply that I couldn't keep my answering moan quiet. He snaked his arms around me, his bare forearm brushing slowly against my arms before his hot hands landed on the bare patch of skin on my upper back. I shivered.

His tongue slipped inside my mouth and danced with mine, slowly at first, but it became more frantic, more desperate. I was in overload, I was bursting and I didn't want it to end. I didn't want my next breath more than kissing him again and again.

But he broke the kiss and we gazed at each other, both out of breath. I released my grip on his shoulders and he pulled his hands away from me. His lips were red and just a little bit swollen. We kissed. No
,
he kissed m
e
. He kissed me!

I brought a hand to my mouth, my fingers tracing my lips absentmindedly as I was feeling the marks left by Nolan's scruff on my face. I had never been kissed like this. It was like he tried to devour me, like it was a once in a lifetime kiss. And when I saw his eyes getting hard and his face closing to any kind of emotion, I knew that was it.

"I guess that was just a mistake, right?"

He nodded stiffly before he stood up. But even if he was trying to hide it by being so standoffish, I knew this kiss affected him deeply. I knew he enjoyed it. I could still hear his groan in my head and it made me want to take him to my bed, but it was useless. And he had a girlfriend.

"I just wanted to prove that it meant nothing, that I don't see you that way. It wa
s
jus
t
a kiss, nothing more than a simple kiss."

"Next time, look at me when you lie." I stood up and pointed at the open window. "Now go to your girl. You're going to sleep with her to prove to yourself that you love her and that this kiss was nothing. Keep your eyes closed to the fact that you don’t really see me as just the twelve years old girl you left six years ago anymore. Go and convince yourself!’’

He shook his head, but said nothing and that was worse. I glared at his retreating back and not once did he glance back at me over his shoulder. Not once. Just like this, he went back to the woman that shared his life. And I was alone.

I sank on to the bed. With my elbow on my knees and my head in my hands, I tried with everything in me to not think about Nolan having sex with his girlfriend. Imagining him kissing her like he kissed me, imagining him touching her the way I dreamed he'd touch me was too much. Yet, it was his life and tha
t
Len
a
had seen him at his most vulnerable, fully bared to her as he made love to her.

I stood up and let the towel fall. I wouldn't stay here to beat myself up with images of Nolan with that bitch. I grabbed the first clothes I could find, put my wet hair in a messy bun on top of my head and snatched my guitar in its case. I knew the perfect place to cool down.

* * *

NOLAN

I drove away, too fast. I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t have a destination in mind, but I needed to get away from Brooklyn. I brushed the wetness off my lips, cursing silently at myself.

My chest was still heaving and my limbs were still weak from that kiss. I could still smell her body wash, something fruity and fresh. In my ears I could still hear the sound she made when I kissed her. In my pants, I was hard as a fucking rock, my cock pushing against the zipper of my jeans.

I put a hand to my crotch and squeezed my erection and groaned. “Fuck!’’ My hips shot upward and sweat coated my forehead. I was so damn turned on I was ready to come in my pants like I was thirteen years old.

I tried to push away all and any thoughts from my mind, I tried to forget how hot, how enthralling she looked in only a towel and how badly I wanted to lick the droplets falling from her hair, but it didn’t work. It all went back to the same fucking thing.

Brooklyn kissed me and I went out of my way to kiss her too.

I wanted to prove something to her and to me too, but it backfired. That kiss, that damn kiss was like no other. Whatever the hell that meant, it was like no other. I hadn’t been thinking about Lena, and even now she was just a vague thought, distant to me. I hadn’t been thinking of Brooklyn as Little B either. I was thinking like a man thinks of a sexy woman.

I didn’t want my girlfriend, but I was starving for Brooklyn. What kind of fucked up man was I?