Six Years (6 page)

"Why?"

"I don't want to see her."

"Don't go, then. You owe her nothing, Nolan."

"You once told me that she was still my mom."

"I was a kid and I remember what you answered."

"You're not coming with me," he replied and his shoulders hunched over.

I sighed and shook my head. I was unable to deny him anything. That sucked to an epic proportion. “Alright, shut up and let's go before I change my mind."

Just as I was starting to walk to the park's exit, he leaned into me and kissed me on my temple. His lip ring was surprisingly warm, but it's the softness or his lips that got to me. That and the fact that butterflies took off in my belly. Again.

* * *

NOLAN

Walking with my Little B back to my car was something oddly familiar and yet something I never thought I’d ever experience again. At this very moment, and even though I felt like puking at knowing who I was about to face, I also knew I was a lucky bastard.

I left that girl when I knew she needed me and instead of freezing me out, she slowly let me back in. I didn’t deserve this, but I wouldn’t turn my back on her again. I couldn’t. There’s something about her that made it impossible for me to let go. No matter what, she truly was a piece of me, the best one.

In my pocket, my phone vibrated. It’s a text message and I didn’t need to check to see who it was. Lena. I didn’t know why I hid the fact that I have a girlfriend to Little B and the others. Lena and I were solid, really. She’s a nice girl and the right kind of girl for once. In a way, having my life with her colliding with my past life in Riverdale made me cringe. But if I wanted Brooklyn back in my life, I didn't have a choice and both sides of me needed to find a way to mesh.

But I didn’t miss the stiffness in her when I answered the call or when I told her about Lena. The worst is that a shot of adrenaline ran straight through my veins when I saw a flash of something in her eyes. It’s fucked up, and yet it’s been years since I’d last felt so alive, so in tune with myself. I wasn’t playing the nice boyfriend, the successful author, the man with no real traumatic past. I was myself, fucked up, hurt, and full of flaws I thought disappeared over the last few years.

“You know,’’ Brooklyn said softly, breaking the comfortable silence between us, “I think that Lena is a lucky girl to have you. I’m happy for you.’’

I faked a smile for her, and pushed the open button on my car key, unsure of what her words did to me. I was a volcano ready to explode and what would come out of me wouldn’t be lava, but emotions unleashed and it freaked me out to face them.

“And I’m happy for you if you want to be with Mike and if he treats you right.’’ The words scorched my mouth painfully on their way out. I schooled my face to not show the bitterness and loathing I felt.

She chuckled and opened the passenger door, but just before climbing inside, she glanced at me over her shoulder, a small sassy smirk on her full lips. “Liar.’’

And just as she climbed in my SUV, my eyes fell on her heart shaped ass and of course, my cock decided to say hello. Shit.

It'd been months since I’d met Big No and he never invited me over. Once, he told me that his mother was not feeling well and that it was better to stay away, but I wasn't sure what he meant by that. I knew he'd never ask me to come to his home, but I wanted to. I wanted to see his big boy bedroom and compare it to Clara's big brother's room. His had almost naked girls on his walls and the smell was awful. I was sure that Big No's was different. And I wanted to show him my english grade. I got an A and it was because he helped me. I had to say thank you.

With my paper in my hand my helmet under my arm, I knocked at the front door. There was no answer but I knew he was home. I could hear the music from his room. I bit my lip and looked back at my house. My parents weren't home and I didn't want to be alone. I knocked again and this time someone opened the door.

My smile vanished when I saw the woman towering over me with a cigarette almost finished. The nasty smell made my lungs burn and I coughed twice. Her light brown hair was a mess around her very thin and angular face. But it was her eyes that frightened me. They were red, swollen and shone a strange light. But she hadn't been crying, her nose was not all red like mine when I cried. Her t-shirt was too big on her too thin body and my eyes stopped on the inside of her elbow. There were marks there, blue and red ones close to her very green-blue veins. It didn't look right.

I swallowed and began to shake. Who was she?

"Who are you?" she asked me around her cigarette, her lips pinching it. Some ash fell near her bare feet.

“No… Nolan is here?" I stuttered slowly. I couldn't look away from her hard eyes.

She snorted and walked away, colliding once with the wall before she disappeared in the kitchen. I was still at the door and I wasn't sure if I should walk in or not. I tightened my grip on my paper and helmet and walked inside. The house was made just like mine, but here the curtains were all closed. It was so dark that I almost missed the turn—it was in reverse compared to my house—to find Big No's room. The door was closed, but when I heard something falling and loud curses coming from the kitchen, I didn't hesitate. I whimpered and opened the door.

Big No was reading on his bed and when he saw me there, he turned off his music and ran to me. He pulled me in his room and closed his door behind me. His beautiful eyes scanned me from head to toe and he hugged me.

"What are you doing here? I told you not to come, Little B," he said in my ear.

I hugged him back with my helmet and paper still in hands. I was clumsy, but now I felt better. "I wanted to show you my English paper and say thank you."

He pulled away and forced a smile. I knew it wasn't his true smile because this one didn't make me feel funny in my chest. "What did she say to you? You can tell me."

I shook my head. "Nothing, but she's not right. I think, I think she fell in the kitchen but..."

Before I finished my sentence he ran out. I put my paper and helmet on his bed and walked out, following the sound of his voice. "Can't you make a fucking effort? There's a little girl in the house, damn it!"

When the kitchen came into view, I briefly closed my eyes. The woman put out of her arm a needle. I hated needles. She blinked several times slowly, very slowly and tried to talk but nothing came out.

"Big No?" I called him in a whisper. I was glued to the cream wall, frozen.

He turned around and the pain I saw on his face hurt me. I hated to see him sad. "Go to my room, Little B. I'll be back, don't worry."

When I didn't move, he asked me to leave again and I finally listened. I ran to his room and listened to every sound in the house. I couldn't see what he was doing, but I was sure that he was helping her to her room. I sat on his bed and a couple of minutes later he walked in, a ghost of a smile on his face. He was trying to be the strong Big No I knew, but he was sad.

He sat next to me and gathered me in his arms. He put his chin on top of my head and I listened to his heart beating fast, as fast as mine. "You should have never seen that. I'm sorry."

I gripped his big arm. "She's your mother and she's ill. That's okay."

He held me tighter and sighed. "Nothing is okay, Little B. She's my mother and that hurts all the more."

BROOKLYN

"Are you sure you want to see her?" I asked him when it became obvious that he wouldn't leave the comfort of his car any time soon. We were parked in front of the new building, the same one I’d like to move in as soon as possible.

There were three two story buildings very modern looking with the white walls and dark grey doors and banisters. These buildings had been built two years ago for the people who didn't have a lot of money. There wasn't much to say about these one bedroom apartments, but at least they weren't in the scum parts of the city and that was why I wanted to live there so much.

Nolan shook his head and closed his eyes. His eyebrows bunched as if he was in pain. But it wasn't just an illusion. I knew he was in pain. I squeezed his hand on the steering wheel and I ignored the sting I felt whenever our skin touched.

Through his pain, he smiled, opening his hazel eyes to look at me. His face relaxed, like it did once upon a time. He brushed the scruff on his chin and laughed humorlessly. "I'm twenty four and yet right now I feel like I'm five."

"You knew it wouldn't be easy, but you came back when she asked. Maybe you need this closure too."

His gaze didn't waver and the intensity in it made me shiver. I didn't know what he was seeing in me, but my body reacted to his stare. I had to fight the need to twist on my seat.

"I think I came back because I needed to see you. My mother was just an excuse," he mumbled ruefully before he took a deep breath and got out of the car.

I blinked a few times. My heart was hammering in my chest, painfully so. No guy should say something like that, not to a girl who used to be head over heels for said guy, not to a girl who was still affected by him. I grabbed the door handle and pushed.

Nolan was standing on my side, his focus back on the building in front of us. His mother was there, in one of these tiny apartments and she was dying. I didn't know what to make of this. On one hand, I saw how she hurt him and I hated her for that, but on the other hand... She was freaking dying! She didn’t deserve this even if I wanted to think that it was payback for her lifestyle. She was a weak woman, someone who had been in a crappy relationship and she had been too lost to be a mother. She wasn't truly mean, or at least that's what I hoped for Nolan’s sake.

"We're here now, Nolan. Let's go up," I said, breaking the silence. I grabbed his elbow and towed him to the staircase. He stopped me before I put a foot on the first step.

"She lives on the ground floor. Apparently she can't climb the stairs anymore. She moved in a couple of months ago." His voice was off, but at least now he was walking in the right direction.

Despite this being one hell of a charged moment for Nolan, I couldn't help myself, but be awfully conscious of my hand wrapped around his elbow with my fingers touching the outer side of his muscle. I was an awful person. Who in their right mind would be focusing on this when they're about to see a dying woman?

He stopped in front of the door with a plaque saying it was 1C. He nodded to himself, probably convincing himself to knock, with no luck. I squeezed his arm and with my free hand I knocked loudly at the door. The sting on my knuckles from the metal was vicious, but I said nothing.

Before I could look up at him, the door opened on his mother. Edna Bell. But she didn't look like the Edna Bell I remembered. It'd been a couple of years since I'd seen her around town, but still, someone couldn't change so much. It was obvious that the cancer was taking its toll on her.

The women's eyes were not glazed over like they used to be when she was under the influence of her substance of choice, but they seemed extinguished. It gave me chills. Her dress in a forest green was hanging on her thin body and I was afraid she'd break with the slightest breeze. She looked that fragile. Even the bones in her shoulders were poking through the light fabric. Her hair was gone, but it was hidden by a pretty scarf that had a green and white pattern. Her pale face, gaunt, was stretched and dry, but her thin, colorless lips were slowly turning up into a smile when she took in who was in front of her.

Nolan wasn't moving, but he grabbed my hand when the door opened. His long fingers wrapped around my slender hand were tight and getting tighter as seconds passed. I bumped my shoulder into him to shake him out of his stupor, but it did nothing. He was biting his lip ring, his body tensed and his frown deeper than before, but that was all.

"Hi, Mrs. Bell," I said, once again breaking the silence. My voice sounded loud in the quiet corridor. I shouldn't even be there right now. It should be a mother/son kind of thing and not a mother/son/friend moment.

Her eyes left her son, her smile falling a little. She crossed her thin arms over her chest and I was silently thanking her for wearing something with long sleeves. I didn't want to see anymore of her thinning body. "Hi, Brooklyn. I didn't know you two kept in touch." Her voice was shaking, but I couldn't tell if it was from the emotion or from her health.

"We didn't, but it's a long story. Maybe we should go in, you shouldn't catch cold." I'd never been so nice to her, ever.

Nolan's eyebrows shot upward. I just needed to glance in his eyes to know that he was thinking the same thing. Mrs. Bell apologized and led us to her tiny living room where the couch, the armchair, the coffee table and the furniture with the TV on it were taking all the space. On the coffee table there was a tea cup with some tea still warm. The smell made me ill to my stomach, but I said nothing as I was sitting on the couch with Nolan. He was still gripping my hand and I wasn't ready to pull away.

"I'm sorry for the smell, but this tea helps with nausea," she said as she finished her tea quickly.

Silence fell again and it got more awkward. When he asked me to go and see his mother with him, while he was driving here I never thought he'd be like this. I imagined Mrs. Bell to be all over herself to see Nolan, I'd imagined Nolan to be a mess of emotions and not this freakishly controlled guy. I imagined cries and yelling matches, but instead we got silence. It was like the awkwardness of my own house. My parents and I barely talked, and when we did it was about the weather—literally—and more often we would look everywhere but at each other.

I bumped my shoulder into Nolan's and glanced at him while his mother was looking at her empty cup in her lap. She looked so small and quite pathetic to be honest, as awful as it sounded. He shook his head at me, but when I tried to pull my hand away, he tightened his grip and turned to look at his mother. The way he stared at her changed from cautious to full of pain in a blink of an eye. It was eerie and it tugged at me. It was the same kind of look I remembered him having years ago when he was spending some time with me. It was haunted and I couldn't even imagine what he had to go through and he never told me. I’d been way too young, back then.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked slowly, his voice a lot deeper than usual. Was it because of how he was feeling? Was it because he kept silent for the last few minutes? I didn't know and didn't care because it was the tone of his voice that pained me. Fear was dripping from him. He was afraid to be hurt all over again, and it awakened something in me. I wanted to protect him from everything, just like he did when I was a kid.

"Yes, I..." Mrs. Bell sighed and put her cup on the coffee table, cringing when she moved. "I'm glad you came back."

"I don't know why I did," he replied shortly. He tugged on his lip ring with his teeth. The tiny sound of the silver clinking against his teeth was very rhythmic, just like a fast heartbeat.

"Maybe it's because you need to hear me say sorry."

He released my hand and I immediately felt the loss of it, the loss of his warmth. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his eyes never leaving his mother's. I'd never seen him like this. "It wouldn't change a damn thing."

She nodded and bit on her lower lip, exactly the same way Nolan always did with his lip ring. I'd never seen the similarities between them before, but at that very moment, I did see it.  "You're right. I should have done something sooner and you have no idea how sorry I am, Nolan."

He held up a hand and stood up, shaking, his muscles bulging. "That's all bullshit. You're dying and you want to leave in peace. Then congratulations. I'm back, you saw me and now I'm out. Let's go, Brooklyn."

"Nolan..." I started, looking back at his mother's face crumbling as she was trying to keep her tears at bay. We couldn't leave her when she was upset like this. What if something happened to her?

"Whatever," he cut me off and stormed out before I could say any more, leaving me alone with his mother.

* * *

NOLAN

A blur. Everything around me was a blur. But inside me, Hell, inside me it was another story altogether.

My breath was ragged, the only thing my buzzing ears heard. My limbs shook as I hit the ground going back to my car. I tightened my fingers around my car key and welcomed the pain. It’s mild, just a tiny pinch in my palm, but enough to help me focus on something other than the inferno burning inside.

In what world did I ever think that it’d be a good idea to visit her? She’s only brought pain into my life, even when I’d been just a small kid unable to fend for myself. The only thing of importance to her had been her next fix. And now, now that she was knocking on Death’s door she’s trying to make amends. But it’s too fucking late. Way too fucking late.

I climbed in my car and tried to catch my breath as the car came to life. I was still shaking badly, but at this point I couldn’t tell if it’s from anger or all that pain I thought I had let go all those years ago. It’s like the rest, I just filed it away, but it never went away and now it came back with a vengeance.

All the times I had to pick her up from the floor because she was too stoned, all the times I had to find more money to pay her dealers before they came for us, all the times I had to lie to my teachers when they wanted to see her, all the times I just wanted a fucking parent to be there for me flooded me all at once. And it hit me hard. Real hard.

I clenched my jaw and blinked back the tears I didn’t want to shed for the woman as I floored the pedal and sped away. Just seeing her for a few minutes crumbled my well-practiced, hard-earned stable and mature exterior. Now, only the fucked up man I grew up to be was left.

And to add to it all, Brooklyn picked her side. Not mine. I can’t believe my mother’s sickly look got to her in light of everything. She picked her! My frown deepened and I pushed through the tight feeling in my chest at the thought. I needed her, but she stayed behind. Six years ago, she would have never done this. Never.

* * *

BROOKLYN

With the sound of his car speeding away faded, I turned back to his mother. She was crying silently.

"He'll come around," I assured her with a forced smile.

She shook her head and dried her face with shaking hands. "With you probably, but not with me. I did him so much wrong."

"I know it, but he's got a good heart. He can't stay mad and he knows that second chances are important."

"I'm not even asking for a second chance," she said. She grabbed the large black sweater on the armchair and put it on. It was hot today and I didn't know how she could be freezing. Was it a side-effect of her treatment? "I'm way past a second chance and I did nothing to deserve one. I neglected him and put him through too much starting when he turned six."

"Why did you contact him then?"

When her eyes bore into me, they froze me. Determination like I'd never witnessed was pouring out of her. "I wanted to give him the chance to truly move on once and for all. I don't want him to have any regrets or questions after I passed away. It would eat at him and I don't want that kind of life for him. He's brilliant, gorgeous, successful and he used to be an amazing boy. I’m sure he is an amazing man now.’’

Swallowing was difficult suddenly. That was the most selfless thing I had ever heard, real sincere words and I never thought I’d hear something like this coming from her. I’d spent years despising her for what she did to Nolan, but now I can see the woman her drug use had stolen.

I stood up and forced a smile to my face as my pain and hang-ups were surfacing at thinking that even a drug addict could show a motherly vibe when my own mother never did and probably never would. "I'll make him come back."