Snared (Jaded Regret #1) (18 page)

When his hands moved away, I almost cried until I realized he was going under my shirt. His callused fingers against my soft skin sent waves of desire to my already aroused flesh, and I almost came just from rubbing against him. Our kisses were harsh and unforgiving; we took what we wanted from each other, showing each other what we would do if we weren’t at a park.

He cupped one breast, slowing our kiss as he focused on the fullness of me. I pulled back, my lips burning from the roughness of his kisses. Our hearts pounded against our chests, and we both gasped for air. He froze, uncertainty on his face until I nodded for him to continue.

Beau pulled the cup of my bra down and thumbed my nipple, sending electric shocks throughout my body. I writhed against him, moaning. His other hand regained his hold on my hip, pushing me into him as we rubbed against each other.

He dipped his head and kissed my neck again, biting softly as he made his way to the dip in my shirt. I wanted him to put that mouth on every square inch of me. “April . . . God . . .” His words were like prayers against my skin.

I heard his phone ring, and I knew it was probably Natalie or Bex wondering where he was. My heart clenched. My time was over. He either didn’t hear it or didn’t care as he made his way back up my neck to my ear. He was whispering something, but I couldn’t make out what it was. No. He was humming something. A song.

“You have to go,” I said, fighting the emotion I knew I shouldn’t have. This man was jumbling me all up.

Beau pulled me closer to him, taking my mouth again. I knew he couldn’t tell me what he was thinking, but he was showing me. His tongue moved slowly with mine in a sensual explanation. I rubbed against him again, so aroused I needed a way to relieve it.

Our kisses slow and methodic, I shuddered against him with my release. I would probably be embarrassed later to think about humping Beau in a public park, but at the moment, it was the hottest thing I’d ever done. Beau froze and broke our kiss, burying his face in my neck for so long I wondered what I’d done. Was he sickened by me?

“Beau?” I ran my fingers through his hair. He’d never said he liked it, but I liked doing it, and he didn’t seem to mind. I sensed shaking against my chest, so I leaned back. He was . . .
laughing
. My mouth dropped open as I watched his chest move with silent laughter.

What was so funny? And why, when I finally got him to think something was amusing, was it right after we’d been making out like teenagers?

“I’m so embarrassed.” Beau shifted me off of his lap. “Is there a . . . uh . . . restroom around?”

What had I done? “It’s around the corner.” I averted his eyes, my face flaming as I tried to recover from my embarrassment without him noticing.

“April.” Beau lifted my chin. “What did I do? Why are you upset?”

I waved him off. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

“You forget I’ve grown up with only women. Now, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry. I got carried away and I . . .”

“You think I’m upset with you?” Beau caressed the side of my face. “April, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m the one who is embarrassed. I need a bathroom because I . . .” He indicated himself. “I . . . uh . . . made a mess.”

Understanding dawned on me, and I began laughing. He smiled at me, and I almost fell to my knees at the sight. It was the most beautiful thing I’d seen in my life.

I pulled into the parking lot behind the arena, spotting the buses and the trucks. I sighed, wanting nothing more than to take Beau back to my house and continue the major progress we had made. What would it be like to not see each other for a month? Would he start doubting? I was sure I already knew that answer.

Beau squeezed my hand. After he’d come back from the bathroom and we’d enjoyed another silly laugh over our teenage make out antics, we’d walked the edge of the water for a few minutes, wrapped in each other. He’d stopped every few steps to kiss me slowly, and I wasn’t sure my head was back from the clouds yet. His soft touch and the way he looked at me was enough for me to know I’d fallen head over heels for this man already.

He may not be a talker, but everything he did was his own personal way of communicating. Whether it was his thumb rubbing the inside of my hand, his eyes connecting with mine for just a few seconds, or his lips brushing lightly against mine, I read him. I knew what he was saying.

Natalie stuck her head out of the bus and saw us. She waved and then ducked back inside, giving us a moment. I stepped from the car just as Beau did. He came around to my side and stopped in front of me, shielding the sun from my eyes.

“Thank you for everything today.” I tipped my head so I could see his handsome face. I touched the tattoos I could see on his neck, tracing my fingers along the detailed pictures and letters.

Beau captured my hands and kissed each one, making that feeling erupt in my stomach again. “I’ll call or text you.”

I nodded, not trusting my voice to respond. A large lump had formed in my throat, and I knew I was going to break down soon. I needed to get out of here before then, so he didn’t see me acting like a total girl.

He shook his head, pulling me to him in a tight hug. I wanted to ask him why he was shaking his head, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know that he was having doubts or was hugging me because he didn’t plan to see me when he got back. His hands caressed my back, and I focused on the way he felt right here at this moment. The way his chest rose and fell against mine, his short beard rubbing against my head while his warm hands touched my back. I took a deep breath, taking in the scent of his shirt and his hard chest against my soft one. I wanted to memorize everything about this moment just in case I never got another one like it.

“This isn’t goodbye.” He shocked me with his intuitiveness. “I’ll be back home in less than a month. Will you come and see me when I get back?”

My heart thumped in my chest. He was inviting me to see him when he returned? “Of course, I will.”

He stepped back from me. “Will you . . . let me know what happens with Robbie?”

“Yes.”

The bus horn sounded, making us both jump. Beau scowled. “I have to go. See you soon, April.”

I wanted to hold onto him, beg him not to go as he turned to walk away, but I knew that was futile. The fact of the matter was, my life was here, and his was on the road. All I could do was hope he didn’t forget what had happened between us while he was gone.

Just as Beau reached the steps of the bus, he turned around and lifted his hand in a small wave. His smirk was back. I loved it, but now that I’d seen him smile, I wanted more of it.

I stood there until the buses pulled away and I couldn’t see a trace of them anymore. My phone pinged, and my heart soared, thinking it was Beau.

It was a text from Natalie.

My brother is smiling, April. I haven’t seen him smile in so long. Truly smile. I’m sorry I watched as you said goodbye, but I swear my heart exploded. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Don’t let him shut you out once we’re gone. His head will get the better of him, but if you keep reminding him how he feels right now, he’ll be ready for you when we get back.

And that was when the dam opened up, and I could no longer see my screen through the tears.

Beau

“HOW IS ROBBIE?”
I asked April. I was sprawled out on my bunk, the bus heading to our tenth stop. I couldn’t wait to be home. Just six more shows and we’d be done. I’d summoned the courage to call April on the phone for the first time since we’d been gone. I knew she was worried about what that meant for us, but she’d never ask me. I could tell in the messages she sent and what Natalie had said to me while we’d been gone.

I’d been trying to put myself out there for April while I’d been gone, but I’d found myself in a major funk after we’d left Orlando. Other than drumming, I hadn’t done anything, hibernating in my bunk until Natalie and Bex had staged an intervention just a few days ago. I’d been at the top of my game on stage, mostly because that’s all I did was drum, whether actually or in my head. Without April around, it was the only thing that kept me from losing my mind completely, and I’d found not even that was doing it anymore.

I’d known I wasn’t in the right place in my head, but I couldn’t get past it. I’d barely been able to text April a few times. She knew something was up, too; she’d call me, and I wouldn’t answer, and then she’d text and I’d barely reply. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole or push her away, but I didn’t know how to handle both my growing feelings for her and my constant feelings of inadequacy.

I’d had a few phone sessions with Dr. Mia while I’d been away. I still hadn’t told her about April. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t make myself say the words. I still didn’t believe she’d be able to hang on through all my craziness. I wasn’t sure I could hang on.

April sighed. “Beau, I wish there was something more I could do for him. He’s so sad and angry.”

“Is he still in the group home?”

“Yes. I keep trying to get him into an actual home with foster parents, but no one will take him.”

“Is he talking?”

“No,” she said. “I go to see him at least a few times a week. I got him to play checkers with me, but he still didn’t talk. I wonder if you came back to see him if he would.”

“Consider it done. When we get back I’ll come up there.”

“Beau? Can I ask you a question?”

I hated questions. “Yes.”

“Are we . . . okay?”

This was exactly why being with her wasn’t a good idea. I was too damaged not to hurt her. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I haven’t been in a good place.” I knew I didn’t really answer her question, but it was as much as I could give.

“Why?”

I never in my life wanted to talk about the times when I wasn’t okay, but April made me want to explain. “There are . . . things . . . about me I can’t control. One of them is when I get down about something. It may not make sense to anyone else, but I can’t get out of my head.”

“I understand,” she whispered. “Was it because of us?”

“Sometimes I don’t know what triggers it. Other times, I do. This isn’t your fault, April. I’m just fucked up.”

“No you aren’t. Please don’t talk like that, Beau.”

“I
am
, April. There’s so much you don’t know. Things I don’t want you to know.”

“Don’t you get it, Beau? I want to know
everything
. I don’t care if you think it’s going to push me away or pull me closer. I want it all. Don’t hold back from me. I’ve missed you. I want to talk to you when you’re happy and when you’re sad, when you’re hopeful and when you’re down in the dumps. I’m not in this just for the good times. I’m in it for all the times.”

How could I
not
hold back from her? How could I tell her all the shit that was in my head? She’d run so far I’d never find her, and I wouldn’t blame her one bit. But her words made my resolve crumble a little bit. I felt so much better when I talked to her. Why hadn’t I done it more often?

“I’m sorry, April. This is so hard for me, opening up to someone. Please forgive me for sucking at this.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, Beau. I know how hard this is for you, but I want you to know how I feel. This isn’t conditional on you being happy all the time or shielding me from the bad stuff. I’m
in
, Beau. Do you hear me? I’m in.”

You are a worthless waste of space. No one will ever love you. No one wants you around
.

I shook my head against the thoughts threatening to overtake me.
April. Focus on April.

“I . . .” I wanted to tell her. The words were there, but I didn’t know how to say them. She was silent on the other end of the line, waiting patiently. “There are times when I hear voices. Well, mostly my mother’s voice, telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit—among other things.” Did I just say,
I hear voices
?
You’re an idiot, Beau Oliver.

A small gasp came from her end of the phone line, but she said nothing, waiting for me to continue. Could I do this?

“My dad killed himself when I was five years old. He . . . suffered from depression as well as other things his entire life. I thought it was normal, having a dad who locked himself in his room sometimes and other times was the happiest person you ever met. I—I found him the day he killed himself.”