Something Like Winter (13 page)

“
Aren’t you handsome! We’re
just about to order pizza, and I wanted to know what you
like.”

“
Which I told her I would
run up and ask,” Ben muttered.

“
Oh. Uh.” Tim tried to
remember what he usually got, a task made harder by the way June’s
eyes twinkled—like her son had brought home a girl for the first
time. “Canadian bacon and pineapple,” he managed at
last.

“
Yuck,” Ben said. “Just
cheese and diced tomatoes on my side.”

“
Okay. Well, you two have
fun tonight. I won’t barge in again, I promise.”

“
It was nice meeting you,”
Tim said.

Ben’s mom checked him out
once more, looking a little less certain. No doubt about it, she
was trying to figure out if they were an item or not.

“
Sorry about that,” Ben
said once the door was shut and locked.

“
It’s cool.” Tim sat on the
bed again. “She seems nice.”

“
Yeah. Well, the good news
is that you’re all clear to spend the night.”

“
Isn’t that a little
weird?” Tim asked. “I mean, that would be like asking my parents if
a girl could spend the night. They would flip, even if she was just
a friend.”

“
I guess. I had guy friends
spend the night when I was a kid, so there’s precedent.” Ben moved
through his room, self-consciously straightening different things.
“Anyway, do you need to call your parents or something?”

Tim shook his head. “They
won’t notice.”

“
Oh.”

For a moment, everything
felt awkward. Mothers could be a tremendous mood killer, and they
weren’t going to get it on while waiting for pizza to
arrive.

“
Oh, I know!” Ben said.
“I’ve been dying to play this for you.”

He moved to his CD racks,
running his finger along one of them until he found what he was
looking for. “Roberta Flack,” he said, but it didn’t ring a bell
until the stereo started playing
Killing
Me Softly.
But this version was much more
chill, without all the bored rappers in the background making
random noises. Ben gave him an “is this cool or what?” look, to
which Tim nodded in response, but he wasn’t completely
satisfied.

“
Sing,” he said.

Ben gawped at him, as if
the idea was unthinkable. “It’s Roberta Flack!”

Tim crossed his arms over
his chest and scowled until Ben gave in. Roberta sounded good with
a guy backing her up. Ben’s voice chased away the awkwardness,
casting a spell on his room and conjuring their private fantasy
world back into existence. And Tim was happy.

The rest of the night was
easy. They made small talk, Tim asking about different things he
saw in the room, like the stories behind the various photos of Ben
and Allison. When the doorbell rang, Ben rushed out to get their
pizza, making another trip for a two-liter bottle of Coke and some
glasses. They watched
Toy Story
while they ate, a movie Tim missed when it was
still in theaters. Ben’s dad managed the local cable company, so
they had every possible channel and even got their pay-per-view
movies for free.

The side of Ben’s bed was
shoved up against the wall directly across from the TV, doubling as
a long couch. Tim stretched out his legs, and as the movie wore on,
he moved one so it touched Ben’s. Then Ben scooted over, their arms
brushing and making Tim’s skin tingle. Tired of being coy, he took
Ben’s hand in his own, and it didn’t feel strange like he thought
it might.

Ben must have seen the film
before, because he sang along with
You’ve
Got a Friend in Me
whenever it played in
the story, shooting a few coy smiles in Tim’s direction. When the
movie was over, Ben shut off the TV with the remote, neither of
them moving from the bed. The room was dark, lit only by a street
light outside.

“
It was never like this,”
Ben said. “Those other guys, they never held my hand.”

Tim wished he hadn’t said
that. If a bunch of other horny straight guys didn’t cuddle up with
Ben, then it made him look, well—

“
They didn’t even kiss me,”
Ben said. “Everything was one-sided.”

They didn’t kiss him? Now
Tim felt more conflicted than ever. If given an ultimatum between
kissing Ben and getting blown by him, Tim thought he could go
without the oral sex. Those other guys had no idea what they were
missing.

Ben squeezed his hand. “I
just want you to know that this isn’t a game I’ve played dozens of
times before.”

“
Okay.” That’s all Tim
could think to say. He didn’t want to delve into what any of this
meant. Doing so made it too hard for him to enjoy.

“
Ready for bed?” Ben
asked.

Tim smirked. “Something
like that.”

They took turns using the
restroom, with Ben going first. Tim went second. Outside Ben’s
room, the house was dark and quiet, the only light a sliver in the
bathroom that Ben had left on for him. Tim thought he could hear
snoring downstairs, either Ben’s father or the family dog. Finding
his way back without the bathroom light on was even harder. Ben’s
bedroom was next to his sister’s. Wouldn’t she be in for a surprise
if Tim accidentally slipped into bed with her!

Fortunately, he made it
back to the right room. The lights were still off in Ben’s bedroom,
but the candles in the window had been lit. Ben was already beneath
the sheets, shirtless at the very least, lying on his side but
facing the door. Tim stripped off his shirt, Ben’s brown eyes
watching his every move, absorbing the details of his body. Tim
stood at the side of the bed, close enough for the candles to
illuminate him, but far enough away that he couldn’t be touched. He
unbuttoned and unzipped his shorts next, the boxers underneath
already tenting. When he lowered the shorts and boxers down and
off, he waited, basking in Ben’s attention.

Then he crawled into bed
and pulled back the sheets. Ben was already naked, lifting his
hands to touch, but Tim moved Ben’s arms away. Instead, he did the
touching, kissing every part of Ben’s body he could find. As Ben
lay on his back, arching and moaning, Tim showed him just how
different he could be from those other guys.

Chapter Eight

It was over.

The past month had been the
best of Tim’s life. He’d been to crazy parties—not just sneaking
some quick drinks at Darryl’s before his parents got home, but
all-night affairs that probably cost more in damages than they did
in alcohol. Tim reached a happy impasse with Krista. Their
relationship wasn’t going any further, and both were content with
that. And then there were the nights spent with Ben.
They
were the highlight,
the times Tim looked forward to most, but now they were
over.

Tim attacked the canvas. He
wasn’t usually into abstract expressionism, but today he needed to
see the reds of rage blurring together with oranges of anxiety. He
needed to purge his system of the anger and despair he felt before
he crumpled beneath their weight.

He had never wanted things
to become complicated. Not with Ben. That meant juggling more
separate lives than he usually did, but Tim was skilled at this.
Like now, since painting was something private he didn’t share with
anyone, even Ben. Such things were necessary. Keeping his parents
pleased by not attracting unwanted attention. Maintaining his image
at school. Both of these were crucial to making his time with Ben
possible. No one was asking questions, drawing unwanted
conclusions, or getting in their way. Ben might create the world
they shared, but Tim protected it. And now he was being punished
for having done so.

A shopping trip to the mall
with Krista. That’s when it all started to unravel. As usual,
Krista held on to his arm as they moved from store to store. Tim
had spotted Ben and his mother first. Thank goodness Krista was
distracted by a window display of jewelry when they passed by. Tim
nodded at Ben, which was all he could do, but then everything had
exploded. Not there at the mall, but the next time they were
alone.

Tim could understand how
Ben felt. If he had seen some guy hanging off Ben’s arm, it would
have hurt, but Ben had known about Krista from the start. He
understood she was necessary to maintain the right image—or so Tim
had thought. The last time they had seen each other…

“
Who do you like more,
Krista or me?”

“
You,” Tim had told him.
And it was true. Ben knew it was. “I like you more. When you’re not
pissed at me, at least.”

“
Who do you sleep with?
It’s not Krista, is it?”

“
No. I sleep with
you.”

“
So why do you need her
when you have me?”

And Tim knew that the usual
reasons weren’t enough for Ben anymore, that like everything good,
things had gotten complicated. Tim attacked the canvas again, but
the red he had mixed was a little too pink. He tried adding some
yellow near it to make the hue appear deeper, but this only seemed
to highlight it.

Tim stepped back and
sighed. The painting appeared more amorous than angry. In the
center, created by chance, was a shape like one lonely heart,
surrounded by a mess of emotions. Feeling sorry for it, he gave the
heart a partner, tracing the edge of another right behind it, so
close that they almost appeared as one.

He had fucked up. Ben had
done everything right, and Tim had ruined it. Of course being with
Krista hurt Ben’s feelings. Right from the beginning, Ben had made
sure Tim knew he was special, more than just a fling. And Tim had
responded by keeping Krista around. And kissing that girl on the
beach. What the hell had he been thinking?

Sometimes he wondered if
something was wrong with him. Tim felt like a flower starved of
sunlight, and every time that fiery orb rose in the sky, he jumped
at the opportunity to soak up its warmth. He basked in attention
like it gave him life. And now he had caused night to fall on the
brightest days he had ever known.

His time with Ben had been
precious. No, his
relationship
with Ben. That’s what it was—could be still—if he
somehow salvaged it. If Tim was going to keep Ben, he would have to
start taking risks. Starting with Krista Norman.

* * * * *

The flagpole dinged, the
halyard and hooks blowing repeatedly against the metal cylinder.
The noise seemed to haunt every school Tim had attended. The sound
was desolate, one he usually noticed only when the parking lot
emptied and everyone had gone home. Like now. School was out and
cross country practice was over. Krista had come to watch him, as
she sometimes did, and Tim had decided not to delay anymore. Surely
this was better than calling her, like he had originally
planned.

But watching Krista’s face,
he wasn’t so sure.

“
Why?” she
asked.

“
I just can’t be with
anyone right now,” Tim said.

“
Is it because
I—”

“
No. It’s not because of
that, I promise.”

“
Then why?”

Tim had struggled to find
the right excuse, anything but the truth. The most effective
reasons were also the most hurtful; another girl or that he simply
didn’t like her. But he couldn’t bring himself to say any of those
things, because as ditzy as Krista was, she was all
right.

“
There’s stuff going on at
home,” Tim said. “It’s complicated, and I don’t like to talk about
it. I’m sorry.”

Krista covered her nose and
mouth with her hand, as if she could hold back the tears this way.
Tim felt terrible.

“
You’re the only girl for
me,” he said, hoping to make her feel better. “You won’t see me
with anyone else. Maybe once everything blows over—”

A false promise, but he
hated letting anyone down. For once Krista didn’t have anything to
say, so he walked her to her car, which she had parked next to his.
When he hugged her, he pretended not to notice her tears. Then he
turned, got into his car, and drove away.

* * * * *

Tim stood in front of Ben’s
front door, steeling himself. The driveway was overflowing with
cars. The street too. Tim had to park half a block down. Five
balloons were bundled together and tied to the mailbox. If this
wasn’t indication enough, colorful paper letters on the door
explained the rest, quivering in the October wind.

Happy Birthday!

Ben’s birthday bash was in
full swing. They had talked about Tim attending before their
falling out, and of course he had remained silent, not wanting to
be around Ben’s family more than he had to. Not that they didn’t
seem wonderful, but Tim felt what he and Ben had together was
private.

That was about to change.
He rang the doorbell and stood there ten seconds before he felt
like ditching the present on the porch and jogging to his car.
Before he could, the door opened. Ben’s face was lit up, like he’d
been on a smiling marathon all day, but his expression shifted to
surprise.