Something Like Winter (41 page)

Ben shook his head, jaw
clenching. “I’m with Jace. And that’s how it’s going to
stay.”

Tim let go. The words
stung. Maybe he had moved too quickly, but it wasn’t too late. They
could start over, build up slowly. “Okay. Fine. That doesn’t mean
we can’t be friends.”

“
Yeah, it does, Tim,
because that’s not how I see you.”

“
That’s not how I see you
either, so why fight it?”

“
Because I love Jace, and
I’ve already hurt him more than I ever should have.”

“
And you don’t love me?”
Tim pleaded. “I know you do, because I feel the same
way.”

Ben stared at him wide-eyed
and confused. Then he leapt to his feet, Chinchilla’s head whipping
up in response. “I have to go. I don’t think we should see each
other. For a while, at least.”

Ben headed for the door,
breaking into a run when he reached the hallway.

“
Benjamin,
wait!”

Tim chased after him,
Chinchilla following like it was a game. Ben was getting in his car
when Tim made it outside, but Chinchilla didn’t see him, stocky
legs pumping as she kept running for the sheer joy of it. She was
heading for the street, and Tim had a nightmare vision of
Ben—blinded by tears as he sped away—running over her. Tim sprinted
and leapt, nearly tackling Chinchilla to stop her. She squirmed
safely in his arms as he raised his head to see Ben leaving him all
over again.

Chapter
Twenty-five

Tim didn’t realize he had a
routine until it was broken. No longer could he shuffle to the
fridge in the morning, bleary-eyed and miserable until he chugged
that first can of Coke. Now he barely managed to get his bathrobe
on before a little monster had bitten the hem, tugging and growling
playfully. Sometimes Tim managed to grab a drink on the way to the
backyard so Chinchilla could pee—on the rare occasion she went
outside to do so instead of piddling on the carpet. Then Chinchilla
had to be fed, after which she wanted to play.

The dog came first, and
only after her needs were satisfied did Tim make time for himself.
This helped the weeks pass less painfully than they would have
otherwise. But as he got used to his new life as a doggy dad, Tim
found himself stewing more on what had happened.

Anger and jealously toward
Jace troubled him for a couple of weeks, along with a healthy
portion of blame toward his teenage self who had given it all away.
Then he became more reasonable, telling himself it was time to cut
his losses and move on.

There
was
one prospect. Aaron was in Tim’s
contemporary art course. They had noticed each other early in the
semester, mostly because Tim caught Aaron staring so often. Aaron
was gay. He was too primped to be anything else. Tim had known frat
boys obsessed with their appearance, but they normally drew the
line at powder and base.

Aaron’s style had a strange
appeal, an alluring touch of femininity with all the benefits of
being a boy. So Tim had playfully winked at him one day. Ever
since, Aaron made excuses to talk to Tim after class, practically
panting each sentence in his enthusiasm. Today was no exception. As
they walked through the halls, Aaron filled the silence between
them with an air of desperation, as if searching for the magic
phrase that would make Tim want to be with him.

“
It’s like, I wish there
was another year of college,” he was saying. “I could use the time
to figure out what the hell I want to do, you know?”

Tim nodded. He certainly
did.

“
When you’re a kid you
think, ‘oh, I’ll be a doctor,’ and it’s as simple as that. What am
I going to do with a degree in fashion design? I like dressing up,
but I could give a shit what anyone else wants to wear. You know
what I’m thinking of doing after I graduate? Going to a beauty
academy.”

Tim glanced over at him.
“You need a degree to get into one of those places?”

“
More like five thousand
bucks.” Aaron laughed madly. “My parents are going to kill me, but
I don’t care. They made me come here. I told them after high school
that I just want to cut hair and give makeovers! Me, making the
world more beautiful, one middle-aged woman at a time.”

Shamelessly proud of who he
was, Aaron had the blond hair and the slender frame. He wasn’t so
different from Ben, really. Maybe he would be close enough. Tim
stopped, Aaron walking a few more steps before he
noticed.

“
What’s up?”

“
Come here,” Tim said,
voice husky.

Aaron fidgeted and flushed
before he complied. When he was close enough, Tim put a hand on his
neck, leaned forward, and kissed him. Aaron tasted like the gum
he’d been smacking, his breath minty fresh. He was a good kisser,
letting Tim lead but not remaining passive. And Tim felt nothing.
Not even a stirring in his pants.

“
What was that for?” Aaron
grinned when Tim pulled away.

“
Just because. I’ll see you
around.”

Once outside, Tim walked
around the building to get away from the parking lot where their
cars were. When he felt enough distance, he leaned against the
brick wall of the building and resisted the urge to bang the back
of his head against it. So stupid! Of course no one could compare
to Ben, but it had seemed worth a shot anyway. Life would be so
much easier if he could move on.

Tim knew now that he
couldn’t.

* * * * *

Nights were sleepless, even
though he jogged more than usual, or played countless games with
Chinchilla. Even with his body exhausted, Tim’s mind was fevered,
refusing to rest as he considered scheme after scheme of getting
Ben back. One thing was for sure: as long as Jace was in the
picture, he didn’t stand a chance. So his focus shifted to
separating them somehow. The plan he came up with wasn’t brilliant,
but it was his only shot.

The following week, after
his contemporary art course, he invited Aaron out for coffee. What
he proposed would probably get him slapped in the face, considering
how perked up Aaron was. They sat across from each other at a table
with a chessboard surface. This was the same coffee shop where Tim
had found Ben again, providing him with all the motivation he
needed.

He told Aaron a condensed
version of his history with Ben, and slowly Aaron’s shoulders began
to droop. Only when Tim got to the end did Aaron straighten up
hopefully.

“
So it sounds like it’s
over between you two,” he said.

Tim nodded. “Yeah. But I
can’t move on. I keep trying…” He looked at Aaron meaningfully.
“This guy Ben’s with—he’s no good.” A lie. Jace was
too
good, but the truth
wouldn’t help his cause. “Maybe if they weren’t together anymore I
could get over it.”

“
There’s not much you can
do about that,” Aaron said dismissively.

“
I think there
is.”

“
Oh?”

Tim leaned back. “What if
someone wrote Jace a love letter? The guy travels all the time,
which would give him plenty of opportunity to mess around on
Ben.”

“
So… what? You send a love
letter to Jace and hope Ben finds it?” Aaron scoffed. “Jace will
just throw it away.”

Time to move in for the
kill. “Right, but if Ben sees this guy leaving the letter for Jace,
maybe tacking it to his door…”

“
A-ha. Let me guess. You
want me to be that guy.”

Tim gave a slow smile. “I
can’t exactly do it myself.”

Aaron pursed his lips. “I’m
not stupid, you know. You just want them to break up so you can get
to Ben.”

Fuck. Time for a new
strategy. “I can make it worth your while.”

“
Really? How?”

There was something
disturbing in the way Aaron looked at him, like he thought Tim
would gladly whip it out in return for this favor. “I mean money,”
he said. “Beauty school tuition.”

Aaron rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, right.”

“
We can go to the bank
right now. All you have to do is write the letter and make sure Ben
sees you delivering it. I know what time he gets out of class. He
always heads over to Jace’s afterwards.”

“
You’re crazy.”

Tim shrugged. “Might as
well take advantage of me. Five grand for what, ten minutes
work?”

Aaron’s eyes narrowed but
his lips twitched at the corners. Tim had him hooked.

* * * * *

There is always some
madness in love. But there is also always some reason in
madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche was certainly
right about that, but Tim wondered if the German philosopher had
ever hidden at home while paying someone else to do his dirty work.
Tim wasn’t alone, either. Next to him perspiring over textbooks was
his alibi. Jessica was a fellow student, and to Tim’s credit, when
she had advertised needing a study buddy, he hadn’t yet hatched his
evil scheme. But he knew Ben was smart. Tim would be under instant
suspicion, and so he took advantage of the opportunity.

Tim invited Jessica over
for the afternoon, trying his best to focus on the study material.
Mostly he let her talk, only occasionally asking a question to fake
interest, when really all he could think of was his stupid
plan.

He had felt convinced of
the idea until this morning. So much could go wrong. What if Jace
found Aaron tacking it to the door? Or what if Ben had plans with
Allison and didn’t even go to Jace’s apartment? As the afternoon
wore on, Tim was convinced it had been a failure.

Then he heard a pounding on
the door.

“
Be right back,” Tim said,
running to answer it and finding Ben, his face crimson with
anger.

“
Who’s here?” he
snarled.

Uh oh. “Just someone from
school.”

Ben glared in disbelief
before pushing past him. Oh man, was he pissed! Tim followed him to
the living room, waiting just outside the door and imagining Ben
discovering Jessica surrounded by books and notes.

“
Is that your car
outside?”

“
Huh?” Jessica sounded
completely lost, which was perfect. “Yeah. Do I need to move
it?”

“
No. Sorry.” Ben’s voice
sounded more embarrassed than angry now, so Tim made an
appearance.

“
Actually,” he said to
Jessica, “we’re going to have to do this tomorrow. Something’s come
up.”

Jessica panicked. “There’s
only two days left!”

“
I know. We’ll really nail
it tomorrow, promise.”

Jessica gathered her things
and left, the look of terror never leaving her face. Oh, those
pesky finals! Tim would be worried about them if he didn’t have
Eric’s money, but these days his focus was on Ben.

Chinchilla danced at Ben’s
feet as he sank into the couch. She yapped for his attention,
peeing in excitement, but Ben was too deflated to respond. Tim
grabbed the paper towels he always had nearby and cleaned up,
glancing up at Ben. God, it was good to see him again! Even if he
did look miserable.

“
You didn’t leave a note on
Jace’s door, did you?” Ben asked. “Or have someone else do
it?”

“
No.” Tim sat up, as if
concerned. “Why? What happened?”

And it all played out, just
like in his fantasies. Well, almost. Ben didn’t throw himself into
Tim’s arms, but as he talked, his anger was directed only at Jace.
Tim grabbed a couple of beers to help the process along as Ben
became more and more agitated. And then it all went terribly
wrong.

“
You know, if he was going
to cheat on me,” Ben said, “I wish he just would have asked. I
would have let him, if he wanted to. I don’t care. I mean, it would
have hurt, but it’s better than him lying to me. That’s the worst
part, because it makes me wonder what else he’s lied about. Not
about cheating, but—” Ben’s voice cracked. “What if he lied about
loving me? Why else would he sleep around?”

There were tears. Only a
couple, but like the ghost of Christmas past, they brought Tim
right back to the night when he watched Ben crying in his backyard.
That moment had been the lowest in Tim’s life, and now he had done
it all over again. Ben was hurt, and it was all his
fault.

“
I’m going to throw some
pizzas in the oven,” he mumbled, getting to his feet and feeling
unsteady as he left the room. He couldn’t stand to see Ben like
this, didn’t want to face it.

Once in the kitchen, he
tried to compose himself. The damage was done. Ben would be hurt
either way, whether he believed the lie or knew the truth. His
anger might focus back on Tim, but the hurt would remain.
Swallowing the bitter taste of guilt, Tim decided to press
forward.

He brought another couple
of beers with him to the living room, needing a drink as much as
Ben did. Even the alcohol didn’t allow Tim to enjoy his victory.
Night came and Ben was too drunk to drive home, so Tim invited him
to stay over. When Ben stumbled into his arms, making a clumsy pass
at him, Tim felt repulsed by what he had done and guided Ben to one
of the guest rooms. Then he went to his own room, helping
Chinchilla into bed before crawling in himself. Lying on his back,
he stared at the ceiling, prepared for another sleepless
night.