Something Like Winter (43 page)

“
Your parents will be
surprised to see me in your life again.”

Surely the dinner thing the
other day had been a joke. And why the hell would Ben think that
Tim would
want
to
bring him back there?

Ben tensed. “They don’t
know you’re gay, do they?”

Okay, so some things hadn’t
changed. “Why bother telling them? They’re hardly part of my
life.”

Ben propped up on an elbow.
“You said you came out!”

“
I did! To friends and lots
of other people. I don’t tell my family anything about
me.”

“
But what if they found
out?” Ben said. “Last time that almost happened you ditched me
rather than be discovered.”

“
I’ll tell them if you
want,” Tim snapped. “Am I supposed to call them right now, or can
we relax?”

Ben swung his legs over the
edge of the bed. He sat there a moment before standing and putting
on his clothes. Tim was sure he was about to leave, but Ben glanced
back and said, “I’ll make us something to eat.”

“
Want me to
help?”

“
No. I can handle
it.”

Tim let him go downstairs,
staying in bed and thinking it all over. They needed more than
this, more than sex to renew their closeness. Maybe he really
should take Ben to his parents, correct the mistakes of the past.
He could even find Krista Norman and patiently explain to her that
he had loved Ben all along. Is that what Ben needed?

Tim got out of bed, put on
his boxers, and headed downstairs. The kitchen wasn’t full of
sizzling meat or rattling pot lids. Nothing had been disturbed. Ben
stood leaning against the counter, doing nothing.

“
What’s going
on?”

Ben straightened up,
heading for the refrigerator. “I was just about to start. Hey, you
went shopping!”

“
Seriously,” Tim said,
walking to him. “Just tell me.”

Ben turned around and
sighed. “Look, I know you’re secretive. I remember that about you,
and I know you need time to open up.”

Tim raised his hands in
defense. “I’m not hiding anything.”

Ben glanced toward the
window, and Tim was sure. Ben had been snooping in the garage. “You
mean my paintings?”

“
Why are they all stuffed
in the garage like that?”

“
It’s my
studio.”

“
And it’s full of finished
paintings. You practically live in a castle. Hang a few
up!”

Tim stared at him.
“Seriously? You’re mad that I’m not full of myself and don’t
surround myself with my own art?”

Ben’s shoulders slumped.
“No. I’m not. I’m just scared that history will repeat itself.” He
looked up at Tim. “I’m falling in love with you again. Or I never
stopped being in love. I don’t know. It’s so confusing, and
everything feels so intense, even more so than when we were
younger. Do you know what I mean?”

“
Yeah,” Tim said, voice
hoarse. He knew.

“
Just think how much more
it’ll hurt when it doesn’t work out.”

“
You say that like it’s a
certainty.”

Ben shook his head. “I
don’t mean to. Look, just promise me that I can trust you. That
whatever secrets you have can’t hurt us.”

“
I don’t have any secrets,”
Tim lied. How could he ever confess what he and Aaron had done? But
Ben needed more, like he always did. “Earlier, in bed, you asked
about the scar on my arm.”

Ben nodded “You said it was
a mistake, whatever that means.”

“
Yeah. A mistake. His name
was Travis.”

Tim took a deep breath and
told Ben his story.

* * * * *

His contemporary art final
completed, Tim walked out the classroom door, wishing he could
magically end up on stage to accept his diploma. His college
education was at an end, assuming he passed. He was certain he’d
squeaked by, at the very least. Despite still not knowing what to
do with his future, he felt a sense of pride for buckling down and
getting through it all, especially in the last year when Eric’s
money made dropping out a strong temptation.

“
How’d you do?” Aaron said
outside in the hall.

Tim had been hoping to
avoid him. He had plans to meet Ben for lunch, but he could spare a
few minutes. “On the final? No problem. You?”

“
I’m sure I passed, not
that it matters.”

“
Taking my money to the
nearest beauty school?”

Aaron laughed. “Something
like that. How’s it going with Ben?”

“
Good.” Tim nodded slowly.
“I think we’re getting there.”

Aaron’s expression was a
little snide, but he said, “He’s lucky. It’s sort of romantic what
lengths you went to. I mean, it’s twisted, but also kind of
sweet.”

“
Thanks. Listen, I’m sorry
if I sent any mixed signals. It’s been a very weird
year.”

Aaron rolled his eyes but
didn’t look angry. “No big deal. I figure I’ll find the right guy
while cutting hair. If I get a job at a ritzy salon, I’ll have my
pick of rich old—”

Aaron never finished his
sentence because someone grabbed him and spun him around. When Tim
saw who, his stomach sank.

“
You go to school here?”
Ben said incredulously.

“
What the hell?” Aaron
snapped before he caught up with the plot. “Oh god! Leave me
alone!”

Aaron tried pulling away,
but Ben kept his grip on his shoulder, grabbing the other. Tim
hadn’t seen him like this since their brawl with Bryce and his
cousin.

“
I thought you were from
out of town.” Ben snarled. “You’re a student here, aren’t
you?”

“
Ask Tim!” Aaron whined.
“Leave me out of your little love triangle.”

Aaron was released, backing
away before he turned and fled from the building. The fight had
gone out of Ben, but his breathing still came fast as he stared
into space, the puzzle pieces coming together. Then he glanced over
at Tim, abhorrence in his eyes before he turned away.

“
Benjamin, wait!” Tim
started after him, ducking in front of him. “Let me
explain.”

“
You lied! And I was stupid
enough to believe you. And now Jace—” Ben’s voice strangled to a
halt, Jace’s name little more than a whisper. He looked at Tim,
shaking his head as if the truth was too horrible to
believe.

Tim was losing him.
Again.

“
I would do anything to be
with you.” Tim put all of himself into his words, desperate to
convince Ben that this time he was telling the truth. “Yeah, I
lied, but I don’t regret it. If that’s what it took to get you
back, then it was worth it.”

He tried embracing Ben,
hoping he would cry this one last time, get it all out so they
could move on. Instead Ben exploded, arms lashing out and knocking
Tim away. Unrestrained, he rushed toward the daylight at the end of
the hallway.

“
I fucked up, okay?” Tim
called after him.

Ben kept moving.

“
I didn’t know how bad
leaving Jace would hurt you.”

Ben reached the doors and
shoved them open, Tim hot on his heels and struggling to find words
powerful enough to make him stop.

“
You kissed me! It’s not
like everything was perfect between you two. You wanted to be with
me as much as I wanted to be with you.”

Ben was beside his car now,
shaking his head and fumbling with the keys.

“
You wanted to believe the
lie.”

The keys clattered to the
ground. Tim felt one feeble thread of hope reach out to
him.

“
You wanted an excuse to
come running to me. You wanted your relationship with Jace to fall
apart just as much as I did.”

Ben turned and leaned
against his car like he was about to faint. Tim took hold of his
arms, happy for the excuse to touch him, to breach the distance
that threatened to consume them.

Ben was incredulous. “What
is it with us? Our lives are always so fucked up when we’re
together. Is that what makes us attracted to each other?” He shook
his head again. “It’s like those studies where a woman meets a man
on a swinging bridge over a crevice and finds him extremely
attractive, but when she sees him in a safe environment she barely
gives him a second glance. We like each other now, but what happens
when the danger dies down, when our love is no longer forbidden or
a secret? What’s left between us then?”

“
A lot,” Tim said. “I
promise.”

The way Ben looked at him,
he might as well have been speaking gibberish. “How can I even
trust you anymore? You lie about coming out, you hide your
paintings. Is there anything real about you? Do I even know
you?”

“
Don’t say that,” Tim
pleaded. “You know me. You might be the only one, but you know
me.”

“
Well, maybe I don’t want
to anymore.”

Tim let his hands fall. The
second he was free, Ben picked up his keys and got into the car.
Tim watched him, hoping he would stop, roll down the window, and
say he didn’t mean it, that passion had shaped these false words.
But Ben didn’t even glance at him—not once—before he drove
away.

* * * * *

The phone rang and rang on
the other side, a sad whale song against his ear. Usually there was
no answer, but when Allison answered, she would tell Tim that Ben
wasn’t home. He kept calling anyway, desperate to apologize, to
explain himself, even though he knew it wouldn’t help. Tiring of
never getting anywhere, Tim showed up in person.

Allison answered the
door.

“
He’s not here.”

Tim sighed and spun around
to check the driveway. Ben’s car wasn’t there, but maybe he had
parked around the block.

“
Want to come in?” Allison
offered.

“
No. I believe
you.”

“
I wanted to talk to you
anyway,” she said.

Tim hesitated. She didn’t
seem angry with him. “Did Ben tell you what happened?”

She nodded. “It was lower
than low, but I have to give you props. I never thought you’d do
something that crazy to win Ben back.”

“
Seriously? You’re just now
figuring out how much he means to me?”

Allison shrugged. “You
aren’t the most forthcoming guy with your emotions. Before, I
thought you only wanted Ben in your life when it was convenient for
you.”

“
Believe me,” Tim said,
“our relationship has never been convenient.”

Allison’s smile was
sympathetic, but her expression became somber. “They’re getting
back together.”

“
What?”

“
Jace and Ben. Right now
Ben is avoiding both of you, but he regrets what happened with Jace
and wishes they could start over.”

Tim shook his head. “Jace
won’t take him back when he finds out about me.”

“
He will,” Allison said. “I
told him everything. Jace still wants him back.”

Seriously? Could anyone
really be that nice?

Allison read his
expression. “The man is a saint. I know you and Ben have your
history, but so do they. And Jace has never hurt Ben. Ever. Maybe
he will someday, but not intentionally. He’s too good a
man.”

“
So they keep telling me,”
Tim muttered.

“
Graduation is
tomorrow.”

“
I know.” Tim had thought
about it obsessively because Ben was sure to be there. He didn’t
want to patch up things in public, but it might be his only
hope.

“
Jace will be going,”
Allison said. “It’s a surprise. Ben doesn’t know. It’s their best
chance of getting back together, and I need you to do the right
thing. If you love Ben, if you want him to be happy, you’ll back
off and let them be.”

“
I don’t want to,” Tim
said, but without defiance. Instead he felt like a child struggling
against the inevitable. “I want to be the one to make him
happy.”

“
Well, here’s your chance,”
Allison said. “A lot of guys tried to fill your shoes, but they
were either trash or weren’t good enough for Ben. Then Jace came
along, and all Ben’s dreams came true. Give them their space. Let
Ben be with the person who makes him happiest.”

“
Is he really that good?”
Tim asked.

“
Jace?” Allison nodded.
“He’s pretty damn incredible.”

Tim couldn’t say yes—at
least not verbally. He didn’t trust his voice to be strong enough.
But he nodded, and Allison hugged him.

“
Thank you,” she said with
a squeeze. “And I’m sorry.”

“
Yeah, me too.” Tim took a
few steps back. “Listen, if it doesn’t work out between them, let
me know, all right? Just on the off chance that Jace is a serial
killer or something.”

“
It
is
always the nice ones.”

They shared an awkward
laugh before Tim said goodbye, the words meant more for Ben than
for anyone else.