Somewhere Only We Know ....... (28 page)

I vomited
again, every movement seemed to set me away. Then I dozed some
more, there were images of my life passing across my eyes like a
slide show, Keith, my granny, Jenny, James, Ben, Thomas, my
dad
…
on and on they went.
Then I was in a blinding light, what the fuck
…
had I died, had my heart just packed in, were
those images my life flashing before my
eyes
…
.
“
Mam, mam!!!
”
Bethany.

Then she was there in front of me. My
beautiful Bethany. She was all white and tear stained, how could I
have done this to her. I fell into her arms. I could see Jack and
Scarlett behind her and seeing them made me cry with shame.

Beth eased
me out of the car. I was vomit soaked and as I stood up I realised
I had wet myself. No one said a word, they just helped me into the
back of Jack
’
s car. Bethany
followed me in and she pulled me over so that my head was on her
knee. I slept and when I woke and wanted to be sick, she produced a
carrier bag.

As I lay
there I could hear
them talking. Scarlett
wanted to take me straight to hospital, I heard Bethany saying no,
let’s just get me home and cleaned up. Scarlett was saying should
they get a doctor in then, Bethany was saying wait. Jack said that
him and Thomas would go back in daylight and sort car. The
conversation droned on and on and I slipped back into
sleep.

What seemed
like seconds later I felt the car stop and the engine cut. Home, I
was home. Scarlett and Beth helped me out of the car, which of
course brought back the vomiting. I stood in my yard and puked up
whatever was left on my stomach, then on shaking legs they walked
me into the house and up the stairs into my bedroom. I think I saw
Sasha and Thomas. Then I thought I saw James at the top of the
stairs, but I couldn
’
t be
sure. Maybe they were just images in my head again. In my bedroom,
Scarlett removed my shoes and peeled off my clothes, she slipped a
nightdress over my head. I can remember thinking who’s could that
be, I was much more a pyjamas type of lady, but it smelt clean and
fresh. She pulled back the duvet on my bed and I slipped in. Sasha
was at the side of my bed with a bucket, she stroked my forehead
and said it was all going to be fine now.

Then I
slept. Then I slept and woke and puked and then slept some more. I
can remember Bethany coming into the room and taking off my
nightdress and opening the window, I obviously
hadn
’
t managed to hit the
bucket. I was naked but I didn
’
t care and I slept some more.

They were dreamless sleeps, peaceful sleeps.
I sometimes woke and it was light and sometimes woke and it was
dark. Sometimes I could hear voices downstairs but mostly it was
quiet. I was all alone. As the time between sleeping became longer
I started to think. What had I done to myself? What had I done to
my family and friends? More to the point how was I ever going to
put any of this right??

Bethany came
into the room, took some pyjamas out of my drawer and dressing gown
off
the back of door and told me she had
run me a bath. My legs were weak when I swung them out of bed, I
couldn
’
t remember the last
time I had eaten anything and to be honest the thought of food made
me feel sick. Beth took my arm and led me into the
bathroom.

I lowered
myself into the bath, Bethany sat down at the side of the bath and
said she would wash my hair.
“
Beth ...
“
I
started.
“
Mam leave it for
the minute, you don
’
t need
to say anything, have your bath and you can either come down stairs
or go back to bed. I
’
ll make
you some toast.
”

I
didn
’
t say anything, I let
Beth clean the vomit out of my hair and then soaked in the warm
water. I still wasn
’
t
thinking straight, my mind jumped from one thing to another, never
settling on a subject for more than a minute.

I got out of
the bath and patted myself dry, put on my pyjamas and wrapped
myself in my dressing gown. I wasn
’
t ready for downstairs that was too much like the real
world, so I made my way back into my bedroom and into the safety of
my bed.

Beth came in
with coffee and toast.
“
Are
you ok mam? Do you need to see a doctor or
anything?
”
She asked putting
the toast down on the drawers beside me.
“
No, I
don
’
t think so, maybe a head
doctor, I am so sorry Beth, I really
don
’
t know what I was doing.
It was just all

foggy and
surreal, I don
’
t
remember
”
.

“
Was it
because of Ben? She asked.
“
Maybe part of it was, I know I
wasn
’
t thinking straight and
when he went back to Emma after his holidays I was devastated, but
I don
’
t think that was the
whole reason. I don
’
t know,
I loved you and Thomas and James so much and my poor mam and
dad!!!
”
. “Grandma and
Granddad don
’
t know
anything, we just said you had a virus and we
didn
’
t know if it was
catching!
”
“
Thank you
”
, I
whispered.

She then
went on to tell me what had been happening since
‘
the
lake
’
. When she had got in
from work she said that she sensed something was wrong
straightaway. All the lights were on in the house and she said that
the kitchen drawers looked like they had been ransacked. She said
she tried to call me but wasn
’
t getting a reply and I
hadn
’
t returned any texts
she had sent. By the time that the lads had got home she said she
was starting to feel really uneasy.

They had
rang around all my usual haunts; Sasha, Scarlett, my mam and
dad
’
s. She even rang Ben. No
one had seen me but had all said that I had had a haunted look for
the past few weeks.

They had
driven around, but were getting nowhere, Ben had even gone to all
of
‘
our
spots
’
but after 3 hours
they had all congregated at our house. It was over 4 hours when
Beth eventually got me on the telephone, it then took almost
another 2 hours to find me. Beth had chased Ben home with the
promise that she would
‘
keep
him in the loop
’
but
everyone else had stayed. She didn
’
t think I would be able to cope with Ben being there
without everyone else finding out, and then
wasn
’
t the time for
revelations.

She said
there had been a lot of debate about whether or not I should be
taken to hospital. Scarlett had agreed in the end with Beth that I
had probably vomited most of the tablets up and they knew how
humiliated I would have been to have gone to hospital to have my
stomach pumped. So it was decided once I was home they would just
keep a close eye on me.

The night I
came home Scarlett sat the kids around and told them about my life
before I had them. The lonely childhood and the abusive marriage.
Beth didn
’
t mention the
rape, I think Scarlett had the good grace not to tell them about
it, it wouldn
’
t have done
any good and probably caused needless damage. Both Sasha and
Scarlett explained that sometimes it would just take a small thing
to tip someone over the edge and they explained that I had been
through a lot and I wasn
’
t
trying to get away from them because I
didn
’
t love them, I was more
than likely doing it because I did.

They all got
their
stories straight about my
disappearance, I had taken ill and was unable to get home. They
said I had a virus and my mam and dad seemed to be happy with this
explanation to the point that they were keeping their
distance
‘
just in
case
’
. Neither of them were
getting any younger and my dad suffered from a weak chest due to
all his years smoking, he obviously
didn
’
t want the risk of
catching anything from me. But Beth said they rang often for
updates on my progress. My work were given the same diagnosis, kind
regards were sent and a message to take off as much time as I
needed.

Bethany had
gone and met Ben. She had explained as good and she could what had
happened and that he wasn
’
t
the problem, there were other factors. She said he was crying and
he had told her that he loved me.

As I sat listening to Beth I felt the guilt
overwhelming me. The tears started, followed by the sobs. Bethany
lay on the bed and cuddled me in until I fell asleep. The coffee
and the toast were untouched.

Over the next few days I gradually
re-entered my life. I started eating a little bit, but my moods
were swinging all over the place. I was either on top of the world
that I was still alive but as soon as I thought that and what I had
done, I would plummet back down again with the guilt.

Thomas came
and lay on my bed. He didn
’
t
ask me any questions, he just updated me on his life. I listened,
taking it all in and thanked God that I was able to sit there with
him. I said sorry and that I did love him and none of what had
happened was because of him. He shrugged it all off but I knew that
I had hurt him and it ripped my heart out.

James popped
in and out. He was his usual cheery self. He said he felt better
that Sasha and Scarlett had spoken to him. He was being really
brave, he was probably the most like me personality wise. He was an
actor just like his mam, he wore his smile come rain or shine and
one day I was going to have to sit down and tell him that he
didn
’
t need to be like that,
that it was ok to show people when things upset you. It had taken
me almost to get to the point of no return to realise that, I
wasn
’
t going to let James do
that too. But for the meantime he would be ok.

On the
morning I decided that I would get up and go downstairs, I had
myself a long bath and threw on some joggers and a tee shirt.
Looking in the mirror I looked white and hollow eyed. I could
remember seeing
‘
the
handbag
’
on the chair in my
bedroom and went to collect it. Just looking at it made me shiver
and I decided that it would have to go. Sitting on the bed I
emptied it
s
contents.
Make-up, a couple of pens and my diary. Unzipping all the
compartments I found the letter I had written the day of the lake.
I sat with it in my hands not really knowing what to do with it.
Should I just throw it out with the bag, or should I read it???
Perhaps I needed to know what I was thinking!! Or would it just
make things worse?? The fog had gone now, everything was so much
clearer around me, my body felt lighter and when I did smile or
laugh, it was real. Yes I needed to know, if I threw it out without
reading it I would regret it. So with shaking hands I

unfolded the letter and read:-

I
’
m sorry I have just made such a mess of everything and I
can
’
t put it right

I love you all so much and don
’
t want to drag you
down with me

Be happy be all the things and do all the things that will
make you happy

Smile when you remember me - remember all my silly ways - I
just can’t do it anymore

- I
’
m a failure. Please look after each other and

Margaret and Bill - I lov3 you all - this is
just me and you all deserve

better

I
’
m sorry for the lies - the life I have lived for the past
few years

especially you Thomas - he
’
s a good friend to you
and he loves you

Thomas - it was just one of those things

Mam and dad I love you both so much - you
deserve a much better a

daughter - I
’
m such a disappointment - but look after each
other and

Thomas and Beth and James - you are all they
have got

I
’
m sorry - there is no way out for me I
’
m done and
I
’
m
sorry for the