Somewhere Only We Know ....... (12 page)

When we got
to Karen
’
s house I hugged
her, thanked her and told her I would call her the next day so she
knew I was okay. Instead of heading on towards my own house, I
doubled back on myself and headed off towards the small parade of
shops.

I had spoken
to Michael earlier in the day at work and told him that I might
have been able to wangle a couple of hours out and if he
wasn
’
t busy we could meet
up. He said he was supposed to be going out with a friend: no doubt
one of his numerous girlfriends, but if I let him know early enough
he would cancel down. It wasn
’
t quite 7 o
’
clock
when I went into the telephone box and dialled his
number.

He answered after a couple of rings and
within 15 minutes he had come and picked me up and we were heading
back to his flat.

The flat was
much as you would expect of a single lad. It was tidy though and
all the fixtures and fittings were good quality. Photographs of
various family members were scattered about the room, as well as
Newcastle United memorabilia and the whole place had a very
masculine feel and smell to it.

We went and
sat in the kitchen. For some reason I
didn
’
t want to tell him
about the house, so as we sat and drank wine we chatted about work
colleagues. He asked after the kids, I told him Bethany was cutting
teeth and certainly let me know about it and I told him about
Thomas going to toddlers and getting himself a girlfriend named
Sophie.

He was great
company. I didn
’
t know where
this was going and I didn
’
t
know how I felt, but when after a couple of more drinks when he
leant across and kissed me it felt right. So I kissed him back, all
the time my tummy was doing somersaults, a mixture of fear and
excitement. He was hot and he wanted me. When he led me into the
bedroom I didn
’
t resist. I
didn
’
t resist when he pulled
off my jumper and started kissing my neck and I certainly
didn
’
t resist when he
loosened my bra and grabbed my boobs.

Any feelings of guilt I had were shoved to
the back of my mind, how many times had Keith done this with some
woman or girl, I had justification for this.

Michael
pushed me back on the bed. He pulled his tee shirt off and I gasped
when I saw his toned and muscled chest, his tattoos and the
sprinkling of hair running up from his jeans. The years of alcohol
abuse had taken its toll on Keith
’
s body, he was puny and spotty and his skin always looked
sallow. I licked my lips in anticipation and a familiar throb
started between my legs. As Michael bent down towards me I heard
him gasp. I looked at his face, he was frowning.

Oh God he
finds me repulsive, it
’
s the
stretch marks, I should have left my top on I said to
myself.

Before I
knew what was happening, he jumped off the bed and switched on the
light. I sat up and pulled my knees up to my chest. How fucking
humiliating was this, surely he knew what my body would be like, I
had had two kids, he wasn
’
t
that naïve for God
‘
s
Sake?

“
Caroline,
what the fuck has happened to you?
”
he shouted. I looked at him, not understanding what he was
saying.
“
I
’
m sorry,
I
’
ve had babies, they are
stretch marks, I thought you would have known!
”
“
I
’
m not on about your stretch marks Caroline,
I
’
m on about the fucking
bruises! Did he do this to you?
”
The bruises??? Bruises!!!! My
bruises
…
..

They were
just a part of me, how bad was that, because they were there almost
all of the time I didn
’
t see
them anymore.
“
Throw this
on, I
’
m going to get us a
drink and get you your cigarettes
”
he said.

When he returned I was sitting on the edge
of his bed fully dressed.

He handed me
a glass of white wine and put my cigarettes and an ashtray down
beside me.
“
You
don
’
t have to tell me
anything you don
’
t want to,
but did he do this to you?
”
I took a gulp of wine.
“
Yes
”
.I told him bits
about my life with Keith, not everything and not as much as I had
told Karen. But enough for him to get angry. I told him about the
house and that I was leaving Keith in a matter of weeks. I
didn
’
t cry, I was back into
the 3
^rd
person scenario again. I felt sorry for Michael as he sat
in front of me taking it all in. He was a ladies man, used to women
falling at his feet, taking what he wanted and moving on. No
emotional attachment. And here I sat raw,

beaten and
needy. He should have ran for the hills. But he
didn
’
t, we finished our
drinks, he kissed me and then he took me home, well almost home. I
assured him I would be okay and he said he would see me on
Monday.

The lights
were on in the house so I knew Keith was home. I let myself in and
crept into the living room. I needn
’
t have bothered with the creeping. Bon Jovi was blasting
out of the stereo and Keith was asleep on the settee, empty beer
cans and a wine bottle on the floor beside him.

I lay
in
bed and tossed and turned. So much had
happened in one night. I had somewhere to go to, all be it a relic
from Beamish Museum but I could make it into a home and I had
almost been seduced by the office Lothario. Trust Keith to scupper
that one for me too.

I must have
eventually fell asleep but woke when a sharp pain shot through my
head. I tried to get my befuddled brain into gear, as I became more
alert, I realised the pain in my head was because Keith was
dragging me out of bed by my hair. I was on the bedroom floor
before I knew it and when the kicks started raining in on me I
curled up into a ball. If I lie still he will wear himself out and
stop I thought to myself. But he kept on going, kicking my back and
my legs. It stopped and I heard the sobbing begin. At first I
thought it was me, but it was Keith, sitting in the doorway rocking
back and forth and full of remorse and feeling sorry for himself.
My heart hardened some more.

As I
uncurled myself and stretched out I looked at him. He was beyond my
pity. If I had had a single doubt about leaving him it was gone
now. I had done nothing wrong. I
hadn
’
t not cooked him the
right tea, or had unaccounted miles on my car or watched the telly
instead of paying him my full attention. I had done nothing to
warrant his attack on me. He was a pathetic drunk.

I
’
m Going To Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair

For the next
two and a half weeks I scurried around like a squirrel. I had lists
on top of lists in my handbag. I
couldn
’
t pack anything
because Keith was at home, but I made lists about the things I
needed to pack and I made lists about the things I needed to do and
I made lists about the things I needed to buy. Michael was as good
as his word, he popped into my office every day for a chat and on
the day before I was due to move out he took me out for a lunch. It
was

nice to
switch off for an hour. My head was in bits, but Michael kept up
the conversation with tales of where he had been and what he had
been doing. By the end of lunch I was feeling better and when we
pulled up into the office car park I
didn
’
t hesitate to lean over
and kiss him on the cheek.

I had
arranged for my mam and dad to have the kids for the day I left and
to keep them over night. They doted on their grandchildren and were
only too pleased. They didn
’
t ask why, I think that they thought me and Keith wanted
some private time. I had taken the day off work and Karen had
dropped the keys off for the house at work for me the day
before.

I still
hadn
’
t decided how I would
tell Keith. I thought that it would be easier getting my stuff out
first and then meet him to tell him the news. As it turned out it
didn
’
t work out like that. I
had been packing bags and boxes all morning. I stacked everything
at the back door ready to load into the car. I had almost
everything I needed from upstairs and was on my way down the stairs
to start in the living room when I heard a commotion. I rushed to
the kitchen and there was Keith throwing everything into the back
yard.

“
So you are
leaving are you you fucking bitch
”
he screamed. The back door was open and I thought to myself
so much for leaving with a bit of dignity. He continued throwing
the boxes and bags into the yard. I let him, it was pointless
trying to fight with him. When everything had gone from back door
he came storming into the house.

“
I asked you
a question you cunt
”
he
snarled.
“
Are you leaving
me?
”
“
Yes, yes
I am. I am taking the kids and I am going, I
can
’
t do this
anymore
”
. I waited for the
attack. It didn
’
t happen. He
switched on the kettle and took two cups off the mug tree.
“
Coffee?
”
“
Yes
please
”
, I said sitting down
at the dining room table. I wasn
’
t expecting this.

He brought
the coffee over and sat down opposite me.
“
I
don
’
t blame you Caz, I have
been a total bastard and I
’
m
surprised you didn
’
t leave
me months and months ago.
”
“
I
’
ve tried, I
’
ve tried
and tried to make this work, I
’
ve given you chance after chance and it
isn
’
t getting any
better
”
. I
answered.

“
You
aren
’
t going to your mam and
dad
s’
are
you?
”
“
No,
I
’
m renting somewhere for a
little while, it
’
s basic but
it will do
”
, I
replied.
“
I
can
’
t stop you Caz, take
what you need, but please don
’
t stop me seeing the kids
”
.
“
I would never do
that, you know that
”
.
“
Take what you need,
I
’
ll get myself out for a
bit and let you get on
”
. I
couldn
’
t look at him, I was
breaking his heart, but I couldn
’
t stay. He got up from the table and quietly
left.

I sat at the table, my legs felt like lead,
but I needed to get on. I went outside and packed the bags and
boxes that had been thrown around the yard. I grabbed a few more
things to fill the car and took the first load along. The house
smelt damp and after dumping all the stuff out of the car into the
hall I went around and opened all of the windows.

On the way
back along home I called to see my Granny. I gave her a quick
run-down on what was happening, I felt terrible, I had taken the
wind out of her sales and as she sat in her chair she seemed to age
in front of me.
“
I
’
ll be
okay,
”
I assured her. But
she was worried and when I told her my mam and dad
didn
’
t have a clue she
started to cry.

I felt
terrible leaving her, but I didn
’
t have much time. I promised that I would call along and
have some tea with her when I got my stuff out the house, but when
I saw her put her coat on to come with me I fled. It was no job for
an 80 year old.

Back at the
house I dismantled Bethany
’
s
cot, I took one of the portable tellys and a cd player. There was
still Thomas
’
s bed but I
couldn
’
t take it this time.
I made another journey to the new house and once again unloaded the
car. I was exhausted. One more trip should do it. It was almost tea
time, I had been on the go since first thing this morning and in my
emotional state my energy levels were dropping.