Somewhere Only We Know ....... (10 page)

He would
check the mileage on my car, he would check my knickers for any
sign of extra marital activity, I
couldn
’
t go anywhere without
asking if I could go first. He even stopped me from doing the
weekly food shop on my own. It didn
’
t matter how much time I would have on a weekend to do it,
I would have to wait until he was free so he could come with me. My
friends were made to feel very unwelcome and he even managed to
fall out big time with my mam and dad. So no one came to visit,
apart from my Granny coming for tea once a week no one came to our
house. Even Karen, who I suspected had an idea what was going on
stayed away. She telephoned all the time, but when Keith realised
that I was talking a lot to Karen he started to take the telephones
out of the house with him when he left.

Keith and I
always had good nights out together, he always used to be so proud
of me before we had the kids. But it all changed, he used to accuse
me of looking at other men, I wasn
’
t. At least I didn
’
t
think I was! But I became so nervous I would spend the whole night
looking at the floor, woe and betide me if he caught me looking
anywhere else but at him. In the end I stopped going, what was the
point.

When I was
at home I was totally isolated with the kids. I dreaded either of
the kids taking poorly, I don
’
t know what I would have done. I would have had to go to a
neighbours and then the cat would be out of the bag. But still I
didn
’
t leave.

Keith still
ignored both kids, my heart would break when Thomas would crawl or
toddle over to his daddy, only to be picked up and put in his play
pen or at some other part of the room by Keith. He
didn
’
t even look at
Bethany.

The only bit
of freedom I had was when I was at work. Here I was in control,
organised. I didn
’
t show how
unhappy my home life was, I left that all behind the minute I
stepped through the office doors. I always dressed carefully, never
showed any bruising. I didn
’
t bother socialising with my workmates, it was pointless
and the price I paid for a night out was far too high.

When Michael joined the company shortly
after I returned to work, an old trait of mine came back, I had a
crush.

I had seen Michael when he had come in for
his interview, I had been about 8 months pregnant at the time and
the cheeky bugger asked me out for a drink. So I had a huge smile
on my face on his first day at work. He wolf whistled when he saw
me and told me how good I was looking, I reddened with
embarrassment, but I was chuffed. I was even more chuffed when he
asked me about the baby.

So now I had something to look forward to
every day. I had someone to do my hair for, dress nicely and wear
make up for. I had a new object for my affections.

Michael became my friend. He was a year
younger than me, surprise surprise, single and fit, but it was his
sense of humour that attracted me to him. He was such a jack the
lad, every Monday morning he had a story to tell about his latest
conquest. I had pangs of jealousy but what position was I in to
expect anything from him.

So I made
friends with him, with him I felt like my old self, I was funny and
carefree. I told him all about the kids and their antics, I told
him about my mam and dad and my Granny and Karen, but I said little
about Keith. If he thought there was a problem he
didn
’
t mention it. When I
was with Michael, Keith didn
’
t exist.

At home things were much the same as always,
every now and again Keith made an effort with me and the kids. I
think it was when he got himself a new girlfriend and he felt
guilty.

One Saturday
morning he surprised us by saying he was taking us to the swimming
baths. It was a great idea, I had often taken Thomas to the baths
but since Bethany had come along it
hadn
’
t been possible, no way
could I take two little ones in the pool without drowning one of
them. So I excitedly got the kids ready and packed up all of our
stuff. It was such a rare occurrence for Keith to do anything with
us that even the kids sensed it and were all excited, so excited
that Bethany puked all over Keith
’
s new car. He was surprisingly calm as I hastily cleaned it
up.

After the
conundrum of getting the 3 of us dressed in the tiny family
cubicle, putting armbands on Thomas and getting
Bethany
’
s baby ring
inflated, we emerged into the baby pool where Keith was waiting for
us.

I passed the
kids down and then made my way into the pool. I had only been in
the pool a couple of minutes when Keith sided up beside me.
“
What the fuck do you think you are
doing coming in here like that?
”
he said. I didn
’
t
know what he was on about. I looked at him puzzled.
“
Get out of the fucking pool and go
and get dressed
”
he hissed
at me handing Bethany over, shortly followed by Thomas. I was
stunned, I didn
’
t know what
I had done, but did as I was told.

Back in the
cubicle both the kids were grizzly, they
didn
’
t know what was going
on either. I towelled each of them dry and dressed them. I had just
finished Bethany when there was a knock on the cubicle door. Keith
stood there fully dressed and tears pouring down is face.
“
Sorry Caz,
I
’
m so
sorry
”
. I handed the kids to
him and closed the door. My heart melted a little.

I turned and looked in the mirror, even in
the poor light I could see what Keith had saw. I was covered in
bruises. My arms, my legs, my boobs had distinctive finger marks on
them, my back was covered.

Yellow
bruises, purple, red, black, all at different stages of repair, I
was a kaleidoscope of colour. I was so used to them that I
didn
’
t see them anymore, but
looking at my body now, I saw I was a mess.

Keith was
sitting in the small café. He had Thomas sitting in a highchair and
was bouncing Bethany on his knee. To anyone in the café he must
have looked like a loving dad and husband. I sat down at the table
and looked at him. His eyes were red, but the look he gave me was
guarded.
“
Caz, I
don
’
t know what to say! How
did you get into that state? I know it was me but how often do I do
that to you?
”
I looked at
him, did he really remember nothing, did he have no recollection of
what he put me through at all?

The nights
you have too much to drink, work it out for yourself I
replied.
“
I never touch the
kids though do I?
”
he
pleaded.
“
No, never, just
me.
”

“
What do you
want to do? I can
‘
t live
without you and the kids
”
his face was white.

“
We
can
’
t live like this
though
”
, here was my chance
to make the break!
“
I can
change, I
’
ll stop drinking,
I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work
”
he pleaded. No no no no no, I screamed in my
head you won
’
t change
because you can’t. I looked at Thomas and Bethany, our children and
I knew I would forgive him. I reached across the table and grabbed
Bethany
’
s hand.
“
Let’s go
home
”
. The world was once
again back on its axis.

For the next
few weeks Keith was amazing, he came straight home from work,
didn
’
t drink, respected the
fact no meant no when I didn
’
t want sex and best of all he made an effort to do stuff
with me and the kids.

But it
couldn
’
t last, the first
time he had a late night meeting at work and
didn
’
t come in until
midnight I knew we were back to square one.

This time
the argument started because I hadn
’
t kept his tea, he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me
into the kitchen, he wanted me to make him food and pushed me
around the kitchen until I had made it.

I staggered
up the stairs to our bedroom, I was sore and humiliated. The second
honeymoon was over and as I got dressed for bed I vowed I would get
out of this. He didn
’
t make
it to bed that night and as I sponged down the settee and loaded
the washing machine in the morning, I knew we were finished. Now I
just had to find the courage to leave him.

The thought
of leaving terrified me. I hadn
’
t said anything to anyone about the state of mine and
Keith
’
s relationship so it
wasn
’
t as if I could turn up
with the kids and my belonging on
anyone
’
s doorstep. I needed
to have a getaway plan, I needed somewhere to go, I would have to
rent a house and to do that it was going to take time and
money.

The
following months were harrowing.
Keith
’
s behaviour was
erratic. I dreaded him walking in through the door, it was like
playing a game of Russian roulette. Sometimes he was quiet and
sombre, but mostly he was drunk. There was the so drunk he would
collapse and fall straight to sleep, then there was the other drunk
who wanted to fight. He would come in on these occasions and do
whatever he could to cause a fight, he cut the plug off the
television while I was watching it, he would sit and light
cigarettes in the living room and pass them around to his imaginary
friends, I would be frantically running around the living room
picking them up. And of course he hit me.

My work was still my bright spot. It was the
time I could be me, I always made an effort with my appearance and
the smile I had on my face was genuine, it was my happy place.

The
friendship with Michael continued and
that
’
s all it was mind a
friendship. He made me laugh, he took an interest in me and Thomas
and Bethany, if he had his suspicions that there was something
wrong at home he never said, and I
didn
’
t have the confidence
to confide in him. I didn
’
t
want him to know what a looser I was.

When one
morning he said that he had been trying to ring me at home all the
night before, I was taken aback. I blushed and said that I
mustn
’
t have heard the
phone, obviously the truth of it was that Keith had taken the phone
to work with him in the morning and
hadn
’
t returned until late.
Michael said he was ringing to see if me and the kids wanted to go
to some big fair the next weekend. I told him I
wasn
’
t sure what my plans
were but I would let him know. As luck would have it Keith was away
at the end of the week and I wasn
’
t expecting him back until late Saturday night. Why not I
thought, it would be nice to spend the day with Michael and what
did I have to loose.

On the
Saturday morning I was a bundle of nerves. By the time Michael
pulled up to pick us up I had packed and unpacked the bags twice.
Michael
’
s face was a picture
when I started trundling to the car with car seats, buggy and bags.
As he packed the boot I brought the kids out, a flicker of doubt
shot across his face, I saw it and my heart dropped, but he pulled
himself together quickly and started whooping at Thomas and Bethany
making them giggle.

Just as I
finished strapping Bethany into her car seat and stood to get into
the front seat, Karen walked passed pushing Charlotte. She looked
at Michael and then looked at me,
“
hi ya you off anywhere nice?
”
she said. Blushing I stammered
“
we off to fair over
Sacriston
”
.

“
Have a
lovely day then, I
’
ll call
you!
”
“
Thanks
”
I shouted to
her back as she made her way along the street. Fuck I thought to
myself, bit of explaining to do there.

The day
turned out to be lovely, I think Michael was struggling with me
being a
“
mammy
”
, but all in
all I think we all enjoyed ourselves. There were loads of people
there and I did have a few panic attacks thinking someone would see
us, but by the time we made our way to the beer tent in the
afternoon, I didn
’
t care.
Both the kids were flat out in the buggy, so it gave us opportunity
to talk. The first thing I needed to clear up was custody of the
goldfish that Michael had won on the darts kiosk.
“
You
’
ll have to take
that fish
”
I said.
“
But I won it for Thomas and
Bethany!!
”
,
“
and how the hell am I going to
explain that one away?
”
I
laughed. So it was decided, Michael would keep the goldfish, which
we declared had now been given a death sentence as the chances of
him remembering to feed it and change the water were
slim.