Somewhere Only We Know ....... (6 page)

Caroline
felt exhausted. The trip down memory lane had certainly dug up some
long forgotten episodes of her life. Not the baby mind, that had
never really left her even after she had her children the ‘what
ifs’ had always been there. It had remained a secret for years, her
dirty secret, it always made her feel a bit unworthy, her
pregnancies had been nothing but a worry; she waited for God to
strike retribution and come and take one of her babies away as pay
back, or after they were safely delivered there would be a cot
death, or as they grew some illness or accident. She used to pray
to God that if he wanted revenge then take it out on her and not
her children, they were innocents, but she never quite shook off
that feeling that one day it would happen.

Picking up her mobile, Caroline opened the
message.

Sasha

Hi hun r u ok??

Caroline smiled, it would have to be Sasha
up in the early hours.

She was
obsessed with Facebook and always forgot the time when she started
chatting and updating her status or nosing at other
peoples.

Me

Yes babes im ok? Hows u?

Sasha

Worried about you been to bed but cudnt
sleep where r u now

Me

Im in services having a quick coffee

It was pointless telling Sasha that she was
only at Scotch Corner and had been sitting there for over an hour,
Caroline thought to herself, Sasha would be in the car and at the
services before she knew it.

Sasha

I
’
m so worried about u - u don
’
t have to do this u
know

Me

Yes I do - but please don
’
t worry
I
’
m
fine - I love u - so get urself some sleep and ill text u when I
get there

Sasha

Mmm don
’
t know about the sleep thing - make sure u do mind and
I love u too hun drive safely

Me

Stop fretting and I will xxx

Caroline
popped her mobile back i
nto her bag and
got up off the table. She smiled at Mrs Costa Coffee as she walked
past and Mrs Costa Coffee shouted a cheery goodnight.

After a quick wee stop, where Caroline saw
little improvement in the mirror above the basin, clarifying that
it was indeed her that looked haggard and not some trick lighting
to sell coffee, she left the services.

As she
walked towards the car she took a cigarette out of her bag, as she
puffed on it she felt some of the tension ease away. The habit she
had stared in childhood had never left her. Numerous attempts to
stop had always failed and she resigned herself to that fact that
she would quit when she was ready! She
wasn
’
t a heavy smoker, but
when the need came she always gave in.

It was still raining and a bit of a wind had
whipped up, starting the car she eased out of the services and
rejoined the motorway. It was 2.21am and she had 233 miles left to
go.

Still unable to turn on music, Caroline
concentrated on driving, the weather conditions made any attempts
at driving at speed a bit hazardous, so she found her tempo and
switched her thoughts to Sasha.

She had met
Sasha at work about 3 years ago. At first Caroline had been a
little wary of the 30 year old, she was bold and confident and
Caroline was a little in awe of her. But when you scratched the
surface Sasha was as insecure as Caroline was and they quickly
recognised that they were kindred spirits.

When they
first met Sasha
’
s partner
was an alcoholic and it was Sasha that was keeping the family
together. She had two children who she doted on and although Mick
had a whole heap of problems going on, she loved him. Not long
after she started working with Caroline, Mick went cold turkey and
Caroline watched in wonder as Sasha nursed him through it and saw
him out of the other side.

Sober Mick was nothing like drunk Mick and
it had taken Sasha a good year to grow to love the new version of
her partner; he was now moody and bad tempered and had replaced one
addiction with another, he has now a poker fiend. But still Sasha
held it all together.

Caroline was so proud of her. Not only was
she doing all this with the family, but over the past 18 months she
had shed 10 stone, or as Caroline often told Sasha she had lost the
huge tractor tyre she used to hump around her middle.

Sasha was
beautiful, even at her biggest. When they went on nights out it was
always Sasha who got
‘
tapped
up
’
. Not that she was ever
interested but with things being so bad at home it gave her an ego
boost to have a bit flirt on, and for some unknown reason if Sasha
had given some bloke her number then low and behold he would send
her a picture of his dick. Caroline and Sasha would hoot, what were
these blokes about, why would anyone send a picture of their cock
to some random woman, it all beggared belief.

Sasha was
the first person Caroline told about Ben. Sasha
wasn
’
t judgmental about the
situation, in fact she was supportive, she had met Ben and liked
him and it was her philosophy if they made each other happy then no
harm was being done. So when things were good she talked to Sasha
and when things were bad she talked to Sasha. She was
Caroline
’
s rock.

Sasha had the uncanny knack of knowing when
Caroline was in trouble. She always seemed to text or ring at just
the right moment.

Her look on
the situation always distracted Caroline along with her way of
phrasing stuff - Caroline had begun to wonder if Ben was actually
called
‘
Ben the
twat
’
or
‘
Ben the
bastard
’
.

Caroline was
going to miss her so much. But they would text and once Caroline
was settled she would get herself a new Facebook account so they
could chat. But she didn
’
t
know when she would see Sasha again or if she ever would
……

Progress was
slow, perhaps due to the weather or maybe
Caroline
’
s whim to tootle
rather than fly. The satnav showed that the A17 was only a few
miles away, it was 3.36am and she had travelled less than 100
miles. Unsure if there were any services on the A17 Caroline
decided that she had better stop off at the next services and have
a break, it had been a long day and even longer night. 140 miles
left to go.

Different services, same loos and the same
bloody mirrors!! Never mind, Caroline thought to herself, not that
she was likely to bump into anyone who knew her, no image of a fit
forty something to keep up here. She ran her brush through her
hair, applied eye liner and a touch of lippy, not much of an
improvement but it made her feel a smidgen better.

Another
latte, another smiling attendant, this time Mr Burger King.
Caroline sat wearily down at a table near the counter, the place
was deserted. Surely the overheads keeping this place open through
the night far outweighed the revenue that it brought in Caroline
mused to herself, what if I
’
m the only customer they have had all night. Maybe I should
buy a meal she mused.

All of a
sudden it felt like a lifetime since she had left Newcastle, she
thought back over the past few days and it felt like she was
watching it back in the third person. So many tears, so many
apologies, so many whys. Why??? She had no idea, she
hadn
’
t meant it to happen,
she had stopped it so many times and as many times as she had
stopped it she started it again. Until this time of
course.

The latte
wasn
’
t as nice as the Costa
one, it tasted weak and a bit cardboardy. She had taken no more
than 3 or 4 sips when it happened.

Question number two for contestant number
one
”

Cilla was back.

Was there
something in the latte that pushed her mind into cloud cuckoo
land?

Cilla went on
‘
so after the baby, what happen
next?
’

No Cilla no,
I can
’t do this Caroline said to herself,
I can’t drag all of this up. But there it was, inside her head
getting itself into a neat orderly queue waiting to come out, some
of the worst memories were shy, they were fighting against the
limelight, but the other memories needed them and
weren
’
t taking no for an
answer.

Caroline
stood and walked across to the counter, she ordered her guilty meal
deal and even went large. She decided she needed to eat, maybe her
hallucinations were because she was hungry, and if after all she
was going to take this trip down her yesterdays she needed an
excuse to be sitting there.

Returning to
her table, she exhaled deeply. Here we go then Cilla, we best
fasten our seatbelts, the rollercoaster ride is about to
begin.

I would like
to say that after the abortion life returned to normal, it
didn
’
t
’
at least not for me. My mam and dad settled into
everyday life, we had a family holiday and I started as an office
junior at the beginning of the September. But I had changed, I
marked each month as it went by, I looked at pregnant women in the
street and wonder if I would have had a bump like theirs, I looked
at babies in pushchairs and wondered what my baby would have looked
like.

I knew my baby would have been due sometime
in February, so I got myself to that point, how I got there I had
no idea. I settled into my job, made some new friends and to the
outside world seemed to be a nice young lady. Inside I was a
mess.

I
didn
’
t see any of my Kinsley
friends, at first they called for me to do stuff, but after a while
they gave me up as a bad job. I think they thought I had new
friends from work, my friends at work thought I had a mad social
life with my friends at home. The truth of it was I
didn
’
t see anyone. I went
home from work and stayed in my room or went to my
Granny
’
s. And I paid back my
debt.

Darren left school and started working as a
shop fitter, he worked away from home a lot but I saw him now and
again to wave to.

Until I was
21 he called me once a year just to wish me a Merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year, when the telephone calls stopped I heard he had
moved south. He had met a woman and moved in with her, he caused
quite the scandal as she was older than his mother. I saw him not
long ago, he hadn
’
t changed.
He never had any family of his own which I found sad, but he is a
successful business man and he went on to marry his girlfriend and
seems to be an amazing step dad and granddad. Funny as we chatted I
think we both felt the chemistry, some things never
change.

February
passed and slowly I restarted my life. When my friends were going
out from work I started to go along. Soon I was out partying 4
nights a week, I started meeting lads again, but I was guarded and
didn
’
t jump into bed with
anyone. I had my first girls holiday and loads of weekends away. I
was living.

My
relationship with my mam and dad improved. I would never forgive
them, but I loved them both, so we sort of moseyed along, their own
relationship was much the same but I
didn
’
t get involved. They
were old enough and ugly enough to sort their own problems out, I
sometimes couldn
’
t
understand why they stayed together, but maybe their good times
outweighed the bad. It wasn
’
t until I was much older that I realised that walking away
from a relationship is the hardest thing to do, no matter how bad
it was for you.

I dated a
few boys but there
was never anyone
serious, I didn
’
t let anyone
get too close and I always had a fear that somehow they would find
out about my abortion and dump me.

When I was
20 I met Keith. I was in a nightclub in Newcastle, it was a Tuesday
night and not a night I would normally be partying my way around
Newcastle. Anyway this lad came up and asked to buy me a drink, he
had the twinkliest blue eyes and a cheeky grin so I made my way to
the bar with him. We chatted, I liked him. At the end of the night
I didn
’
t want to leave him,
so I didn
’
t, I never went
home again.

Keith was 18. He lived in a part of
Newcastle that I had never been to before. As we went back to his
in a taxi he told me that he was originally from Leeds but had come
to Newcastle to find his mam who had given him up at birth. My
heart melted.

When we got
to Keith
’
s flat I rang my
dad and told him I wouldn
’
t
be home that night. Looking around the flat I could see how sparse
it was, and to be honest it was a bit smelly. Keith had done his
best to make it homely but it had a sad feel about it. My heart
melted some more.