Somewhere Only We Know ....... (27 page)

I saw Ben
when I was out and about a few times, sometimes he was with Emma,
sometimes on his own. My stomach would do flips the minute I
spotted his car. He looked well, in fact he looked gorgeous and my
heart ached for him. I had abused him as a young boy and he had
survived. But the guilt didn
’
t go away.

The guilt
was weighing me down. The spaced feeling developed in to fog which
was becoming thicker and thicker. I was drowning. The
swan
’
s legs had finally
become too weak, they could no longer keep the swan afloat, so the
swan had slowly began to sink, little by little the water was
creeping up the swan
’
s body,
she didn
’
t even try to kick
anymore, she just accepted that this was it, her swansong. The fog
thickened, until that was all I could see. I
couldn
’
t see my family or
friends. They were there I could hear them, but I
couldn
’
t see them. I heard
them keep asking if I was okay and I could hear myself say yes
everything was good. But it was all just voices, all just
noise.

The day of the lake dawned just like any
other. I woke, felt my way through the fog to the bathroom, then
down the stairs, coffee, cigarette and then back upstairs to get
ready for work.

Work was much the same as usual, the fog
followed me around, swirling around my feet sometimes making me
feel dizzy. The fog was so oppressive that looking back it makes
the memories of the journey home from work and what happened after
that foggy too.

I remember
leaving work and driving towards home. I remember going into the
house and it being empty. I remember going up to my bedroom and
changing out of my work clothes and I remember scratting around for
a paper and pen.

I know I
left the house and I know I called at the corner shop. I remember
driving, I drove quite a distance. I can remember the emptiness of
the hills and the bleakness of the sky and I can remember seeing
the lake shimmering in the evening light. And I remember that it
didn
’
t matter how far away I
drove, the fog followed me. It was bearing down on me and making my
head ache.

I vaguely
remember pulling into a remote lay bye and stopping the car. I do
remember there was no one about and looking across the lake the
view was breathtaking. I know that I opened my bag and saw the note
that I had written earlier, I didn
’
t have a clue what it said but I did fold it neatly and put
it into the zip compartment of my handbag.

There was a
wine glass in my handbag and I took it out and filled it up with
wine from the bottle I had bought at the shop. I can remember
having a gulp of the wine and settling back into my seat. I
remember thinking that the view really was breathtaking before
finishing the glass off. I remember I took my shoes off. Somewhere
in my memory I could remember that if the police found you drunk
behind the steering wheel of your car they could arrest you for
drink driving, apparently if you
didn
’
t have your shoes on
this proved that you had no intention of driving and therefore
could do nothing, I found this strange because I could certainly
drive in my bare feet and had done it often when my heels had been
killing me. I think I must have refilled my glass and I can
remember sitting looking across the lake. I thought that I could
see a swan, it wasn
’
t
moving. I stared and stared but it
didn
’
t move and it
didn
’
t change
shape
…
. maybe it was just a
plastic bag. I remember that the wine was making me confused, the
fog around me was thickening and I could no longer see the view.
All I could see was fog.

I remember
reaching back into my handbag and taking out a clear sandwich bag.
It had an assortment of tablets in it, I think I must have put them
in the bag at home it was like the bag I took my sarnies to work
in. They were all different shapes and colours and sizes. I can
remember grabbing a handful and putting them into my mouth, I then
remember gulping down the wine. I can remember shivering, it gave
me goose pimples, but I remember refilling my glass and doing the
same again and again. I remember that I was staring out of the car,
looking for the lake but I couldn
’
t see it, all I could see was the fog and it was getting
darker and darker. I remember thinking that my body felt really
tired. The car was warm and I can remember listening to the drone
of the engine. I remember placing my head between the headrest and
the driver
’
s window and I
can remember closing my eyes. And I could remember the fog, the fog
was pressing down all around my body and even with my eyes shut I
could see it then I remember nothing
………

I could hear
bells. I tried to move but my body was heavy and stiff. It took me
all my strength to open my eyes, but I could see nothing. The
fog??? I could still hear the bells and out of the corner of my eye
I could see a light. I tried to focus. Nothing just the bells and a
glimmer of light. Where the fuck was I??? I sat, I
couldn
’
t move and the bells
stopped and there was no light. Silence and darkness. My brain
started to wake. What the fuck had I done?? I could remember bits,
swans, wine, pills!!! What the fuck!!! The kids!!! I started to
panic, it was too dark
…
if
it had worked then this wasn
’
t heaven, this must be
purgatory
…
..

It was on me
before I knew what was happening. My body sprung into action,
convulsing, I could feel the vomit moving up my body. I was
disorientated, it was still black, were my eyes still closed or was
the fog now so thick and dense I
couldn
’
t see through it. The
vomit came hurtling out of my mouth, I
didn
’
t have chance to move.
The spasms kept on coming and the vomit spurted out. On and on it
went, I could feel the stickiness on my legs, I could feel it on my
hands as I groped around in the darkness for something. The stench
made me retch more, it just kept on coming. My hand found metal and
I yanked on it, the door handle, I pushed and cold air rushed into
the car, I could feel it on my face, I inhaled deeply but I was
still blind, there was only darkness.

I swung my
body around so my feet were planted firmly on the ground outside
the car. I stayed sitting, my legs felt like lead. The vomiting
continued, it burnt my throat as it made
it
’
s way into my mouth, it
felt like acid. The taste was vile, a mixture of chemical and
alcohol, the more I tasted it the more I retched. It was everywhere
in my hair, my clothes, my brain was now becoming alert. The effect
of the vomiting and the cold air was starting to make me feel a bit
more lucid.

I sat trying
to control my breathing. Every time I thought I had it under
control the vomit would rise again, but the intervals were getting
longer and I started to try and put some sort of semblance to what
I had done.

I was still
in the darkness, but as I rested my head against the car I glanced
up, there were stars
…
.. It
was dark, pitch black dark, but there were stars, I
wasn
’
t blind, I
hadn
’
t succumbed to the fog,
I was in the middle of nowhere and there was no lighting, no street
lights or even moon shine. But I
wasn
’
t dead, I
wasn
’
t in some dark place I
couldn
’
t come back from, I
was living and breathing.

I groped around in the car until I found my
handbag. There were a couple of scrappy tissues in and I wiped my
face and my hands with them. There was nothing in to eat or drink
and I suddenly felt very thirsty. My head was pounding which I
found ironic considering how many tablets I had managed to cram
down my throat.

Still not thinking straight I rummaged
around in my bag looking for something, anything, there was
nothing. My mind might have been a mess for the past few months but
I always had a tidy handbag.

Swinging my
legs into the car, I attempted to start it, nothing. I had
flattened the battery, there wasn
’
t a sound as I turned on the ignition.

A light
caught my eye in the passenger side seat well, my mobile. That must
have been the light that I had seen when I started to come out of
my stupor, that and the bells. My mobile was ringing and glowing in
the dark. I continued to stare at it, unsure what to do in my
befuzzeled state. By the time I had decided to reach over for it
and answer it it had stopped. I stared at it, I
couldn
’
t make sense as to
what I was supposed to do, I didn
’
t even know how to make a call. As

I continued to stare at it it sprang into
life again. I think it said Bethany calling. I looked at the
buttons, unsure which one to press. Another wave of nausea came
over me and I leant over out of the door and vomited until I was
sure there was nothing left. By the time I straightened myself back
up the mobile had stopped again.

I sat with
my eyes closed and concentrated really hard. I was sure that if I
calmed myself down I would be able to remember what to do with the
phone. It started ringing again, instinctively I let my hands do
what was natural to them. It worked I could hear someone
shouting
“
mam,
mam
”
.

“
Hello
”
, I choked
into the mobile.
“
Mam where
are you? What
’
s happening
mam?
”
Bethany.
“
I
don
’
t know Beth, I tried to
go, I don
’
t know
Beth
”
, my voice sounded odd,
like it wasn
’
t mine and I
was crying, more vomit threatened, I could feel it.
“
It
’
s okay mam, just tell me where you are and
we
’
ll come and get you, it’s
alright, it’s all going to be alright, please
don
’
t do anything
stupid.
”
“
I
don
’
t know where I am, I
just keep being sick Beth, please take me home,
I
’
m sorry,
I
’
m sorry,
I
’
m so sorry
……”
I replied.

“
Think mam,
think where you are, where did you drive to, can you see anything,
should I call the police???
”
Bethany started to scream.
“
No Beth, I
’
ll be
fine, I came to the lake, I wanted to see the swan, but it was
foggy and the swan was stuck, I came to the
lake
”
. I
wasn
’
t making any sense and
I knew it.

“
Mam, me and
Jack are going to come and get you,
don
’
t try and drive
anywhere, was it the lake that we used to go to to see the geese,
or is it the little one in the park, please think
mam,
”
Beth
’
s voice was
getting higher and higher.

“
The big
one, I drove and drove, it was really foggy though Beth so be
careful, it’s dark as well Beth
…
..
”
“
Mam, you are up at the big lake,
whereabouts??
”
Beth
interrupted me.
“
In a lay-
by beside the lake.
”
I
answered, I was going to be sick any minute.
“
Mam keep your phone on, we are on
our way, please mam, when I ring answer,
it
’
s going to be okay, I
promise
”
. She was
sobbing.

I
didn
’
t hear anything else
she said, I was back leaning out of the car, convulsing into the
darkness. I was so tired, I reclined the seat and for however long
I remained there I dozed only to be woken by Beth or to be sick, my
mind remained fuzzy, I couldn
’
t put anything in order, I
didn
’
t know how I had ended
up there or why. I tried to think of the people I loved but as soon
as I could summon up an image they were gone.

Beth rang to
say they were at the lake but
couldn
’
t find me. She asked
to look for any landmarks, I looked out into the darkness and saw
nothing. I could hear in her voice that she was getting annoyed
with me, I couldn
’
t blame
her, even in the state I was in I knew I had hurt her, hurt them
all.