Somewhere Only We Know ....... (31 page)

There were loads of comments from Emma and
her mam and various other women I knew in the area. They were
horrible. My heart sank for Thomas, Beth and James. How humiliating
for them. Even when Sasha and Scarlett had stuck up for me. They
had been shot down with shit. It was all poor Ben and how I had
taken advantage of him. Poor Emma having Ben lured away from her
time and time. None of them had a clue, but there was no way I was
going to air any more dirty washing on a social network site, I
closed down my Facebook account.

Beth said Thomas was quiet. She had shown
him Facebook and he had been furious. To a certain extent he knew
Ben was a willing partner in crime but it was me getting all the
stick. Beth said that they had decided that they would have some
dignity and not react.

Sasha and Scarlett had been told what was
going on after Beth had spoken to me last night. They arrived
together not long after Beth had got to mine and the four of us sat
around my dining room table deciding on what to do next.

Ben was
apparently still in hospital, Emma had been discharged earlier in
the morning. I had no intention of speaking to Ben, I had nothing
to say. But it was thought that I would have to speak to my mam and
dad before some dogooder did it for me. I was terrified at the
thought but knew that what they were saying made sense. Apart from
that, nothing else was decided.

So later in
the day I jumped in the car and made my way to my mam and
dad
’
s. To say they were
shocked was an understatement, they both sat nursing their cups of
tea with the
‘
disappointed
’
look
on their faces I knew so well. I apologised, I
didn
’
t know what else to
say. When the silence became unbearable I stood up to leave.
“
How could you Caroline, he is only
a boy?
”
said my mam.
“
He is no more a boy than my dad
is
”
I replied closing the
door behind me.

I cried all
of the way home. I thought my letting the family down days were
behind me. I knew one day I would tell them, but I was hoping in
happier circumstances and I was hoping for their understanding, not
their scorn. The secret life I had led was too damaging for them.
They didn
’
t know me
anymore.

When I got
home Thomas
’
s car was parked
outside. He was home. But he may as well not have been. He totally
ignored me. If he had to speak to me then he was snappy. By Monday
I was looking forward to going to work. I
shouldn
’
t have been, the
minute I walked through the door I sensed there was a whispering
campaign going on. Facebook had so much to answer for. It was hard
enough living in a small village never mind scandal spreading even
quicker with the help of the internet. And the trouble with that
was that it only had one side of the story.

I was
struggling, the fog hadn
’
t
descended, but I didn
’
t feel
right. I couldn
’
t do it. I
had become such a private person I
couldn
’
t handle the whispers
and the knowing looks even off people I
didn
’
t know. My mam and dad
were cool with me, Thomas barely spoke and I had heard nothing at
all from Ben, not that I wanted to but his silence unnerved
me.

Bethany did
her best, but with Ava so small and her only just recently
returning to work she didn
’
t
have a lot of time on her hands and I
didn
’
t want to be a burden
to her. James was his usual self, I had sat him down and gave him
the ‘you don
’
t have to do
this on your own, talk, but he said he was fine. Amy seemed to be a
permanent fixture at our house and I thanked God for
her.

I
wasn
’
t even enjoying work.
The younger girls were always making a comment about some star or
another going out with younger men. It got on my wick. My soul
ached for Ben but I knew this time I was going to have to learn to
live with the constant pain. But I
couldn
’
t do any of it if I
stayed where I was. In Kinsley, working at the same place I had
worked at since I had left school. Where once I had been respected
all I felt was ridicule.

On a spur of
the moment decision, I drafted up my notice and handed it to my
senior boss. He didn
’
t try
and talk me out of it, he too obviously had heard all about me. He
just said that he was sorry to be losing me and thanked me for all
my hard work. After 30 years’ service, I was just an employee, I
was seething. I don
’
t know
what I expected from my bosses but the flippancy I received when I
handed in my notice made me seethe.

I was
supposed to work two
weeks’ notice, but
as I cleared away the things off my desk that night, I knew I
wouldn
’
t be going back. I
didn
’
t say anything to
anyone about what I was doing. I spent the next few days organising
and sorting, somehow doing it brought some calm into my life, I had
yet another exit plan.

I had been
down to Norfolk for holidays with my mam and dad and it seemed as
good a place to go as any. I scoured the estate agents in the area
and found the bungalow. Money was going to be tight but I would
manage. For the first time since
Ben
’
s accident I felt hope.
I wasn
’
t abandoning my
family, I was giving them breathing space. I was giving them time
to heal, I had put them through so much. This
wasn
’
t like last time. I
wasn
’
t trying to end it all,
I was giving myself a fighting chance.

It was Sasha
and Scarlett I told first. Sitting having our usual drinks on a
Friday night at Scarlett
’
s I
told them my plans. I asked for their help with the kids, they were
all grown up now, but I still wanted someone to watch over them and
I knew that these two would do a good job, they were the sisters I
never had. They hated the idea, they said yes move out of the
village but don
’
t go
far.

I told them
I couldn
’
t stay, not with
the whispering campaign and the humiliation the kids had to endure.
If I wasn
’
t around it would
die off. Besides I didn
’
t
want to be around when Ben had his baby with Emma. It was a small
village and they would be everywhere. They knew I
couldn
’
t cope and as the
three of us sat around crying they said they understood.

I told
Thomas, Bethany and James together. I explained everything, just as
I had with the girls. I told them that I
wouldn
’
t be able to cope if
I stayed and that if I went it would be easier for them too. I went
on to explain the practicalities. The house was almost paid for and
I would make sure that the mortgage was cleared. I had itemised the
household costs and knew that Thomas could well cover it if there
wasn
’
t any rent to be paid
and James could make a small contribution from his part time bar
job whilst he was at university. The house would still be mine for
the time being and if they wanted to stay it was fine. If no one
wanted to live there then it would be put on the market and we
would share the profits between us.

I could feel
my breath catching in my throat whilst I said all this. I told them
where I was going, I told them about the bungalow by the sea and I
told them all I hoped to see them all down there.

Bethany
cried, she said she didn
’
t
know how she would cope. I reassured her she would be fine, she was
so strong. She had helped me find my way out of the fog, so this
was going to be a doddle. I told her I would come back as often as
I could. But I hoped that her and Jack would bring Ava down and
stay with me from time to time.

James
thought it would be an adventure for me. I think he understood the
best out of the three of them, after all he was the one that was
most like me personality wise. He was looking at it as a big long
holiday and that I would be back. He
didn
’
t ask how long and for
that I was grateful.

Thomas said
nothing. He sat stony faced throughout the whole discussion. I had
hurt him so badly, I didn
’
t
know if I would ever be able to put things right between us. He had
been betrayed twice over, me and Ben. But I would try. I would keep
trying until my dying day to make things up with him. Maybe one day
he would understand, maybe he
wouldn
’
t. The one thing he
needed to know was that it had nothing to do with him, it
wasn
’
t meant to hurt or
humiliate him. It was just one of those things.

Bethany
offered to come along and see my mam and dad with me. They were
still as
‘
off
’
as ever with me
so I had nothing to lose. What I
didn
’
t want to do was leave
them on bad terms, they were too old for that and I would never
forgive myself if anything happened to either of them and we
weren
’
t speaking. They might
not be able to forget but I was hoping that they would forgive me a
little bit.

It
wasn
’
t as bad as I thought
telling them I was leaving. I struggled for breath as the panic
attack rolled over me sitting in their living room. They fussed
over Ava and then avoided me for as long as possible by making tea
and sandwiches in the kitchen. When everyone was sat down I
explained everything as best I could. The look was there again,
would I ever stop disappointing them. But then Bethany came to the
rescue, she said that she would have them along on
Sunday
’
s and that it would
be lovely if the five of them could go down to Norfolk and visit,
even adding that if the bungalow was too small for all of them they
could find a lovely hotel and have a mini holiday there.

By the time
we left the disappointed look wasn
’
t quite as disappointed. I told them I would call again
before I went and I would give them all the details. They said they
would Google it and see where I was going. My dad then went on to
say that they had walked up our street on Google Earth and up the
streets of all the houses they used to live in. Oh for modern
technology and the distraction it created.

All there
was left to do now was decide what I would be taking. In the end I
just packed what I would need. I
didn
’
t have much room in the
boot so I was limited anyway. I did a little Primark shop to get
new bedding and towels and I spent the last couple of days at the
house cleaning and washing and filling the cupboards and freezer
full of everything they would need.

James was
off on holiday with his mates two days before I was due to go. The
night before his holidays me and him went for an
Indian
’
s together. It was a
lovely night and it was nice just to sit and chat about everyday
things. He promised that he would come down the first opportunity
he got, but was due back at University as soon as he got back from
holiday. He promised he would text and phone. He truly was a gift
and my heart swelled with pride and constricted with the thought of
leaving him all at the same time. He would be fine and he would
visit, I knew he would. But I was inconsolable when I dropped him
off at the airport. Even in front of his mates I clung to him, told
him I loved him and I was sorry. He laughed and told me it was
fine, as I stood waving him through the terminal, I saw the look on
his mates faces and knew I was doing the right thing, they had
‘she’s the MILF’ written all over them.

Bethany had
taken a couple of days off work to spend with me. We lunched and we
went for walks with Ava. She said she understood why I was going, I
wasn
’
t sure she did but we
made plans to meet up and I kept the smile on my face. If anything
was going to make me change my mind it was these two, how much was
I going to miss of my granddaughter growing up?? What if she
didn
’
t know who I was?? I
was leaving such a lot of responsibility on Beth, she was keeping
an eye on her brothers and my mam and dad. I was selfish, but the
wheels were in motion and there was nothing I could do.

The night
before I left I had the girls over, as well as Beth and my mam. It
wasn
’
t a party it was just a
get together, we didn
’
t even
drink, just sat around my dining room table drinking tea and
coffee. I think they all thought that it was last chance saloon and
sat telling me all the reasons I
shouldn
’
t go, it all made
sense, but I couldn
’
t stay.
I couldn
’
t stay because of
Ben and I couldn
’
t stay
because of Thomas. I also couldn
’
t stay because of me.