Split (Split #1) (3 page)

CHAPTER FIVE

For the next two months, Claire went in for her scheduled sessions three times a week. Each time, that little pink pill pulled her into an alternative universe where she and Luke lived out a life she had planned with him when she was a teenager.

***

The first box unpacked at their very first apartment together was the one with the prom pictures in it. Sure, they were cheesy, but they were also a sweet reminder of how special their love was.

How many people could say that they’d stayed with their first love? Years down the road, she thought, they’d still be showing these pictures at house parties as their friends oooo-ed and ahh-ed at their puppy-turned-grownup love.

Luke had gotten a call about a paid internship for a popular TV show during their road trip out west. Claire felt so proud of him, not that his success was a surprise at all. He was so talented, and that only made her more motivated to follow her own dreams.

“Baby, go into the courtyard and look at the palm trees. You’re not going to believe it.” He rested his chin on the top of her head and squeezed her from behind.

“Palm trees always make me feel like I’m on vacation,” she mused.

“Well, get ready for a permanent vacation, then.” It really was.

***

Claire’s dreams during her sessions spanned years of would-be events. She and Luke flourished in their life together. They saw concerts in LA, his writing career took off after that first internship picked him up as a full-time staff writer, and eventually they bought a beautiful house together paid for with the advance for his first novel. She attended the Art Institute's culinary program and flourished as well. Right out of school, she got a great job at WestBar, one of the hottest new restaurants in town. Luke even surprised her by opening a savings account to put towards the purchase of her first restaurant.

***

Her eyes opened slowly as the soft sunlight poured through the sheer hotel curtains. It was a hot-but-not-humid 90 degrees outside in Palm Springs, and Luke had woken up early to grab them a cabana by the pool. It was a perfectly relaxing weekend, filled with Malibu-Pineapples and massages at the spa. They had a lot of things to be thankful for lately, it was a well-deserved vacation.

“Wake up, kitten.” He already had a drink for her in his hand.

***

It was incredibly weird to dream about the life she had imagined, as though it was real. Even though she knew it was all in her subconscious, it had become a kind of double-life. She and Luke had days full of normalcy in her dreams; they’d go to the grocery store or play Monopoly. The dreams, in fact, felt less and less dreamlike each time she went in. Sometimes, she’d even catch herself confusing events that happened in her dreams with those in reality.

“Do you want to go see a movie tonight?” Dylan had his Fandango app pulled up and everything. Claire looked at him like he was crazy.

“We just saw a movie yesterday, you really want to go again?” Then, she caught herself. “Oh, whoa, sorry. I was thinking about Sarah and me. We went to a movie the other night.”

It wasn’t even a very good cover. Dylan must have assumed that something was up, but if he did, he wasn’t letting Claire know. Their life was as normal as it had always been, and Claire still loved him. The dreams with Luke weren’t changing that, after all, she could distinguish fact from fiction.

She just kept telling herself that this was her way of getting closure, of healing an old wound. That seemed entirely reasonable to her... mostly because through these dreams she had realized something sort of life-altering. Her whole life’s course had changed because of Luke’s death. So many things had fallen out of place, so many of her hopes and dreams steered off-course. He had changed her whole life, even as he left it.

That’s not to say that she believed that things would be as picture perfect as they were in the dreams if Luke hadn’t passed away. No relationship is perfect, but held up against her day-to-day, sometimes mundane, life with Dylan; it was hard not to wish for the version in her subconscious. Even if she knew that version didn’t really exist, and even if it made her feel a little bit like cheating.

She made up for it where she could, fixing more elaborate dinners at home with Dylan than she ever had before. Telling him over and over how much she loved and appreciated him.

Dylan had accepted her going to sessions as a part of her “fun employment phase.” He still didn’t love the idea, though, and had stayed on her about applying for other jobs. As much as he trusted her, he also knew that she could be very naive. For all he knew, these study doctors had been putting medicine in her water at the clinic. More than anything, he wanted to see her find something steady that she enjoyed.

She hadn’t applied for another job since her first visit to the little pink pills.

***

Dr. Johns had become friendlier over their weeks together. Claire almost never recognized the same patient twice when she went in for sessions, so she started to assume that she was one of the few they brought back for long-term studies. (She would never have admitted this, but that fact gave her a certain level of satisfaction. She was finally good at something.)

“How was your week, Claire?” Dr. Johns’ smile was tight and awkward, but it was there.

“It was fine. How was yours?”

“Fine as well. I’m asking because I’m curious about your job search. We’re getting a lot of information out of these sessions with you; it is very helpful to the overall study. I know you mentioned that you were in a career transition in your initial questionnaire. Are you starting a new job anytime soon? I just want to be prepared for potentially losing you as a part of the study.”

“Oh. I’m probably never going to get another job at this rate!” Claire laughed, but Dr. Johns didn’t crack another smile. “I’d honestly been applying, but got frustrated. I’m just taking a little break from all that right now.”

There was that tight little smile again.

“I’m so glad to hear that, Claire. We obviously don’t want to keep you from your career, but the longer we can have your time with us, the better. I’m going to make a note that you’ll be coming in for at least... you think, the next six months?”

That was a fairly big commitment.

“I can do that.” As she said the words, she knew this was probably a mistake. She’d already wasted three years in the wrong career. She wasn’t getting any younger. She certainly couldn’t live her whole life with the professional title of “sleep study participant.” Still, she felt like she was really hitting a breakthrough with these dreams. It was like rehab for her heart, and she just couldn’t say no to that.

Maybe this was right where she was supposed to be. After all, the study itself had fallen into her lap so randomly--off of Craigslist of all places! Maybe it was all a big sign.

“Wonderful, Claire. Are you ready for your little nap today? I have you scheduled for another three hours!”

“Sounds like a good afternoon to me.” Claire picked up the pink pill from the table in front of her, jumping back into her happy place.

***

The sun was just about to rise from behind their view of the Pacific. It was the end of a great vacation in Orange County, Claire had spent the week doing nothing but cooking seafood and knitting the blanket that currently lay underneath them on the sand.

Luke had woken her up at 4am, with a bottle of wine in one hand and the blanket in the other. “Let’s go enjoy the beach.”

Claire knew that “enjoy the beach” really meant “have sex on the beach.” She was completely okay with that. The waves crashed calmly into the shore as they made love. No one else was on the beach; they may as well have been the last two people on Earth. Maybe, in this world, they were.

“I missed you the other day.” Luke was always whispering.

“You missed me? Where was I?” She giggled.

“You were gone. You were gone all day.” She laughed him off; he was so cute when he pretended to complain about something. Like a little puppy.

“I’m here right now, you.” Claire playfully tugged at his hair.

They bantered like this for a few minutes before Luke pulled her up from the blanket and walked her down to the gentle ocean waves.

“Close your eyes, Kitten.” She nearly rolled her eyes; he was always about the surprises.

“Mmmkay.”

“Open.”

There, on one knee, Luke asked her to marry him. A sapphire engagement ring sparkled in his hands.

“So yes. So yes.” She whispered.

He grabbed her for a kiss---

***

Claire woke up with a start, smiling despite herself. A wave of sadness hit her as she wondered if that’s how Luke would have really proposed.

Dr. Johns knew a lot about Luke by now, there would have been no other way for Claire to keep participating in the study. She knew more about Luke than almost anyone but Claire, really.

“You seemed to be happy with how things went today. How was Luke?”

“He proposed.”

“My goodness, that
is
a good day.” It was nice to feel like Dr. Johns understood her feelings. She seemed to get that this was Claire’s way of working through her past.

“It was really perfect.”

Dr. Johns made a few notes in her book, as she always did. Now that their relationship was less chilly, Claire had been meaning to ask her a question for a few weeks.

“Dr. Johns?”

“Claire, you can call me Elizabeth now. I think we see each other too often to be so formal, don’t you?”

“Yeah, thank you. So, Elizabeth, can I ask a question?”

“Of course.”

“I’ve been wondering why I only ever dream of Luke. Is that something you can tell me without compromising the study?” She knew the answer was probably no.

“Well, I can tell you that often participants dream about what’s most important to them. Beyond that, yes, any other information would compromise the work we’re doing here. I’m sorry about that. Hopefully I’ll be able to tell you one day.”

Claire was looking forward to that day, to when all of this would start to make a little more sense. Until then, she wasn’t really complaining. She looked at her left ring finger, and tried to imagine how that beautiful Sapphire would have looked on it.

***

The only time Claire had time to meet Sarah for lunch this week was right after her session. It wasn’t ideal, Claire liked to have time to go home and process her dreams before hanging out with any of her “real life” people. Today was especially difficult; she just couldn’t stop thinking about that proposal. She felt giddy and unbearably sad all at once.

“Ohh, I’ve been meaning to do lunch at Good forever. Let’s go downtown. We should really be hitting more restaurants while you have this time off, Claire. Maybe we can even grab you an application!” Sarah was perpetually in a great mood. It defied the odds of New York City.

“I’m not even really that hungry, do you want to just go somewhere close?”

“Um, is the world spinning off its axis? I have never known Claire Lyons to turn down trying out a new restaurant. Is this about money? I can pay for you.” With that, Sarah grabbed her hand and pulled her into the subway, headed for lunch at Good.

The food was excellent, which did work to take Claire’s mind off of things. Of course, Sarah wasn’t letting her feelings about this dream study “thing” go unnoticed.

“Tell me where you’re applying. Maybe my parents know someone who could help get you an interview.” Sarah’s parents were loaded—and long-time New Yorkers.

“Oh, everywhere. I don’t know. I’ll try to put together a list of places. That’s a nice offer...” She hoped her responses would placate Sarah, and she wouldn’t have to restart her job search just to appease her friend.

“What did you dream about today?”

“Sarah. I told you, the dreams are always about the same thing.”

“About Luke.”

“Yes. About Luke. A life with Luke.”

“And you still haven’t told Dylan.”

“What would be the point of telling Dylan? It would just upset him. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

“Fine. What specifically did you dream about today? With Luke.”

Claire started playing with her Green Chile Mac & Cheese.

“That’s what I thought. You’re just having crazy sex dreams. I’m sure they’re really enjoyable, Claire, but your alive and very nice boyfriend would probably be pretty damn hurt if he knew. This isn’t like you.”

These conversations were really starting to piss Claire off. Sarah hadn’t lost someone young, she had no idea what it was like. Who was she to pass judgment?

“Yeah, sometimes there’s sex. People dream about sex all the time. Don’t you? Is it always with whoever you’re dating? It isn’t ever with, like, Ryan Gosling?! I mean, I call bullshit on that, Sarah.”

“I just think this is different. You’re choosing to go there over and over, and you know you’re going to have the same dream every time.”

“It isn’t the same dream. The dreams are always different, and they’re not just about sex! Today Luke proposed to me.” As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Claire regretted them. The look on Sarah’s face said it all.

They sat in silence for a few moments.

“Claire. I want to say this gently, because I love you. I know you went through something terrible with Luke, but these dreams are deeply weird. Something is not adding up, with the study and the medicine. With what you’re dreaming about. I don’t think you’re thinking clearly. Honestly? I think if Luke could tell you what he wanted for you, he’d say that he wanted you to have a real life. Not a dream life.”

“Don’t you put words in Luke’s mouth, Sarah.”

“I’m not putting words in his mouth any more than you are in your dreams, Claire.”