Squirrel Cage (12 page)

Gentle reader, I know how thrilled you are to come to this section of the Cindi is crazy as a loon manual.
I know that you want to know all about my mission. There are two whole years of it to account for after all.
I’m sure you will be enthralled with the following chapters:
My trials and tribulations. How I learned Spanish. How many people I converted. And my long distance love affair with my sweetheart.
So hold on, here we go.

My Mission

I had many trials and tribulations.

I set
Squirrel
to work learning Spanish and
it
did a very good job.
I could order a hot dog any where in South America and some places in Mexico.

I had a long and drawn out long distance love affair with my sweetheart
through airmail
.

During my mission I also learned various
things from
General Authorities of the Church who could not speak Spanish (And oh…. They should not have tried):

we have the head of Christ

they are so pregnant

we believe in the laying on of monkeys

Poor Spanish aside,
I did talk to my mission president, who
has since become one of the twelve apostles (that’s about as high as you go without being God himself)
, about my problem.
He advised me to finish my mission, get married, have children, pray, study the scriptures, and attend the temple often. I was set. I could do that.
  
“Right,” said Squirrel, “You know you’ll never make it.”

I caught typhoid fever and was “healed” by a blessing from a visiting church apostle. I walked around for several days afterwards coughing my guts out and finding myself on the sidewalk. Yes, I had truly been blessed. I ended up back in the hospital. And the mission president blamed me for not having enough faith.

And last but
not least…
a surgeon cut me up, sunk a
lasting
hole into me under my tail bone,
and permanently destroyed all of the natural “padding” on my butt.
I would return home to
four
additional surgeries to correct the malpractice. I can’t begin to tell you what
Squirrel
did with these.
The dreams I had of the surgeries
would consume tomes.

In all honesty folks,
I had many spiritual experiences.
I truly believed the things that I taught.
I had become a cult member in a church of cultists.
My family has my day to day account of my travels there.
For them, those are the real records of my experiences.
E
verything written therein was from my heart at the time
, for the most part. Looking back, I know that much of it was an honest attempt to convince myself that I was making a difference and doing what God wanted me to do
.

Of course,
Squirrel
didn’t make it in my mission diaries. That would have ruined the big picture.

Mormons (a name taken from one of the books considered scripture
within the faith
), have been famous for decades as a group celebrating plural marriage.
The legal practice of having more than one living wife was officially abandoned in the late 1800’s. And
you may
know that splinter groups of the church have continued the practice.
When a man and woman, in good standing, get married in the church, the service is performed in one of the LDS (Latter Day Saint) temples. A temple is different than a chapel.
Each candidate
must be deemed worthy to enter the temple. You are interviewed by your congregation’s authority (the Bishop) to determine worthiness and you must be a full tithe payer (10 percent of your income before taxes) to be able to enter a temple.
T
he marriage does not end at death. It transcends death to last eternally.

A man, losing his married wife to death or legal divorce, can marry another woman in the LDS temple. Once this happens, he is, in the eyes of the Lord, married to two women for eternity. If a woman loses her eternal companion to death or legal divorce, she will still be married to
her first husband
in the eyes of God forever. She may remarry legally and by Church blessing for “this” life. But she may not remarry in the temple.

The net effect is plural marriage. It may
be
a good thing for a man to have more than one wife for eternity. But consider this; what if
one of his wives is a real nag?
What if
a woman marries a man for time and all eternity and h
e turns out to be a wife beater?
She will divorce him legally and they will separate. But she will forever be married to him along with his other wives he has managed to pick up during earthly life.

I present these doctrines, not to deride the LDS faith but to explain the situation every young man and woman
that
are to be married.
The eternal consequences of their marriage are daunting to say the least. I generally believe that most do not think through the doctrine.
But I had studied it in great detail. In the Doctrine and Covenants of the Church (composed mostly of revelations given to Joseph Smith by God) section 132 verse 26, reads:

“Verily, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife according to my word, and they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, according to mine appointment, and he or she shall commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting covenant whatever, and all manner of blasphemies, and if they commit no murder wherein they shed innocent blood, yet they shall come forth in the first resurrection, and enter into their exaltation; but they shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall be delivered unto the buffetings of Satan unto the day of redemption saith the Lord God.”

The sealing of the Holy Spirit is “the marriage”.
The new and everlasting covenant is the umbrella under which it is performed in the temple. The covenant with God is a contract. I’ll leave the rest to your own interpretation.
I don’t understand it still.

*****

I was on the plane homeward bound from South America. I did indeed consume many hot dogs there. They were delicious.
No health regulations on tube steaks down there
, so the dogs were very good. Yes, they really were. I don’t think that they can legally make dogs like that here in the US. Barring the hot dogs and perhaps the South American fruit in season, there was nothing there that would ever pull me back. There were some very fine experiences to carry with me the rest of my life and some terrible memories. Not all of them were of the
Squirrel
running constantly in his little spin wheel.
But many were. I still found myself longing for my secret wish. I
also
had a very difficult time being with another young man for 24 hours a day. I felt
that
was sinful too. I was a mental hot dog
for most of my time there
.

I had been ill with typhoid fever and
had severe
infections from two surgeries in Chile
.
I had a large open wound just below my tailbone that was ulcerated and would not heal.
Little did I know, I would never be able to sit comfortably again for the rest of my life because of it.
As I was buckled in my seat, I had to twist and turn to
keep the pain somewhat bearable
.
I had read the contents of my folder in the central office of the mission before I left.
One of my buddies had managed to land
sweet position
there in the air conditioned office.
According to the reports filed by my peers, I was a total screw up. I had tried very hard, every day to do what was expected. I
convinced myself
that if I did do what was asked, I could park the
Squirrel
in a dark garage somewhere and leave
it
.
As other missionaries spent time in the field, they would be “promoted” and given positions of leadership.
But my
Squirrel
could never abandon.
Due to health problems and poor performance reports from the field, I was never offered other opportunities.
I truly knew that I was a screw up. Of course now,
a different word is more commonly used,
and I’d probably use it here if it made a significant difference.

I didn’t care so much about being a district l
eader or zone leader so much. I’d
never thought about it until I opened the folder. I was never supposed to see the folder, but “Ducky”
my
somewhat rebellious friend passed it to me.
It was disheartening to put everything I had into this task of missionary work, devote two years of my life and Charlene’s, spend all that money my mother made to support me and then be labeled a screw up.

But I’d never have to go back there. To that private hell of living with another man every minute of every day. Pushing a way of life that was splashing out of my faith bucket as I walked my life’s rocky path. Terrified, that I would do something wrong and be caught. I wasn’t worried about getting caught for something that I had done. I was horrified for discovery of the unknown sin that I would surely commit.

The airliner had a sound system on board and each of us received a pair of headphones. I was listening to a new song I’d never heard before.
“Nights on Broadway” by the Bee Gees.
I had never heard of the Bee Gees either. The synthesizer sounds were terrific in the mix and I was also anxious to get back to my electric bass and band.
Music let my soul soar with the plane, among the clouds, as I peered out the window.
Despite my feelings of trepidation, I felt that I had a new start; that the rest of my life might turn out okay. I loved Charlene with my heart and soul.
But I knew
down deep in my soul, that my
mind
or the
Squirrel
would never submit.

As we laid in for the approach to Salt Lake City airport, my mind raced with future possibilities. The plane lowered its landing gear. I wondered how my family had changed. The wheels touched the runway. I envisioned my life with Charlene and children.
The plane lowered its flaps and applied the air brakes.
The buffeting craft sent pains into the wound.
Squirrel screamed in my ears. “You’re back”.

I peered out the portal as the plane pulled to its gate. Even though Jetway was a local company, the airport had not yet installed jetways.
We descend
ed
a stairway to the tarmac
to
enter the terminal.
I could see several of my family members straining to see me through the terminal window.
I strained to see Charlene.

After sitting for so many hours on airliners trying to protect my ulcerated wound, my legs were cramped and my back was in spasms.
I approached the door and very slowly descended the stairs carefully holding the handrail.
I limped across the tarmac to the terminal.
As I entered, there must have been 30 people all lined up to receive me.
I gave a big hug to my mother. She burst into tears and embraced me
.

“Oh, David, what have they done to you?”
she asked as she openly wept.
And then she presented Charlene “David, there is someone very special here who has waited a very long time for you
.”

Charlene stepped from the midst of the throng. We embraced and the tears flowed down my face.
Oh had I missed her. She had not cut her hair the entire time.
I had mentioned that I liked long hair in passing and she took it to heart.
Everything could be
all right
now, I believed.
I greeted all of the other family members, each with a big hug.
My father, my little brother who had grown significantly, Charlotte, my sister, Grandma and Grandpa, and all of Charlene’s family.

Charlene sat next to me as we sped towards Ogden in the spiffy new (used) Monte Carlo that Dad had proudly purchased. The advice of my Mission President was clearly written in my mind.
“You will be fine.
Get married, have a family, attend
your church
meeti
ngs and go to the temple often.”
“Yes, that is what I will do,” I promised myself.

I returned home to the bedroom that I had shared with my brother. He had left home to live on his own.
He and my parents didn’t get along too well I discovered.
The first thing that I did was check my closet to see what remained.
My peach colored hip huggers were there. My white pair, along with my peach flowered blouse were gone.
I would later observe my little brother; okay my big brother now, wearing
them
.
They
were
his now.
I often wondered what he would do if he knew the history.
The clothes didn’t fit
me any
more.
I had lost a lot of weight due to the illness I had endured.