Squirrel Cage (7 page)

“You mean you haven’t known until now?” she asked.
“Well I’ve always known but was afraid to admit it.
Now I know that I am no longer afraid.
And Andrea, I want to thank you for being here during this turning point in my life,” I said.

“Oh no, did I help you decide to do this terrible thing?” she asked.

“No Andrea, you can only be held responsible for being kind to me when I needed it most. And for that I want to let you know how grateful I am,” I said.

“Oh, I don’t know what to think of all this,” she said.

“Andrea, you don’t have to worry about me and my problems.
Why don’t you focus on yourself for a while?” I asked.

“Okay, I suppose you are right.
I should be worried about me.
Oh my gosh, that's it.
I want to worry about ME, I have to worry about ME.
Oh Cindi, thank you, thank you,” She cried as she ran off to her room.

“What in the world just happened?” I thought to myself.
I could make no sense of it.
What did I just do to that poor girl?
I hope that I didn’t do anything wrong.
I knew that I had to talk to her about this because I was totally lost.

Jim looked very uncomfortable as we sat down
in the next group
session.
He kept moving in his seat and clearly was not at ease.
The moderator sensed his uneasiness and asked him to start the session.

“I don’t wanna start the session.” Jim said.

“Now Jim, you’ll have your turn no matter what, so why don’t you just start for us?” asked the moderator.

“Okay,” he grumbled, “I quit smoking.
I haven’t had a smoke since dinner yesterday”.

Jane looked at him and exclaimed “Jim!
I am so proud of you! I know that it’s tough but I know you can do it.”
The moderator
continued,
“Okay, let’s let Jim tell us what he has to say.”

“Well as I was smoking after dinner last night I started thinking.
If Cindi can change herself into a woman which sounds like the most impossible fucking thing in the world, then I could probably quit smoking those god damned cigarettes which is about the most fucking silly thing in the world,” he stated.
And then he sat silently waiting for the group
’s
cogs to turn.

After a long pause, the moderator, asked “Okay, who wants to add their comment first?”

Andrea raised her hand and only after being acknowledged, she queried “Jim, did you really quit smoking because of Cindi?”

“Naw,” he replied “I just realized that if she can do something hard as that then I could quit smoking.
At least people would like me for that!
Cindi is going through hell for what she’s doing,” he stated.

“Isn’t that what he said before?” I thought to myself.
But it seemed to answer her question. We went the rounds and Jim was recognized, perhaps for the first time in his life, that he had done something truly spectacular.
His face beamed.

Andrea was
next
.
She opened with a brief synopsis of our conversation earlier that morning.
T
hen she talked about herself and that she was always worried what other people felt about her.
I sort of made sense of where she was going.
But it was all so very confusing.
But she was so excited that the moderator let her ramble.
Finally our turn came to make comments and ask questions.
I asked her
,
“What in the world are you talking about Andrea? Slow down please and tell us again.”

She started again, more slowly “I’ve always worried about being a righteous person.
I’ve studied and prayed constantly with my family.
I’ve tried and lived my life the best I can.
I’ve tried to take care of my husband and my family in a manner consistent with my faith.
But it was too much.
I couldn’t handle the pressure.
I thi
nk that I have realized that
I
can’t be perfect.
I can’t worry abou
t what other people think of me,
and I need to spend time for myself.
I haven’t read a book for years.
I haven’t played my flute for
as long as I can remember
,” she explained.

It sounded perfectly reasonable to me but I still didn’t understand how that could be such a revelation to
someone
.

“And finally,” she said as she glanced my way, “I have come to understand that no one is perfect.
I
can’t ever
be
the person that others expect me to  be
.”

She was very happy about this sudden discovery and the rest of us shared her joy. Even Jim stated that he was happy for her.
I finally understood what she meant. The reach for perfection is a worthy goal but quite impossible to attain.

Morning turned to afternoon, to another group session.
We all got to know each other very well. Another couple of days passed and Jim announced that he was leaving.
In our last meeting together
,
he was the star.

“I’ve done some really bad things.
I’m ashamed for them.
Damn this is hard to say without a cigarette.
I thought that being cooped up here with all you females was the worst kind of therapy a guy could get.
But it has been exactly what I needed.
I truly feel sorry for my wife and I hope that she’ll have me back. I know that I can do this.
I wish you all the best of luck.”

After group, Jim singled me out and gave me a big hug before he left.

“Let me tell you little gal, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I truly love you dear and wish you the very best in your life to come.
You take care now, okay?”

“Thanks Jim, promise me you’ll do good,” I
demanded
.

He grasped my shoulders squarely and looked into my eyes. “Cindi, I promise to you that I will. I mean it.”
He picked up his things and walked out the double doors with his family.

With Jim gone, we had a quorum of women only.
And
…
we did have a good time.
I’m sure that the hospital staff were concerned that their therapy ward had turned into something else.
I think that nurse
‘
big brother
’
filled three notebooks.
For two nights in a row, the staff requested that we
knock
it off and go to bed.

I truly can’t remember how many days I stayed in the loony bin.
It wasn’t more than 5 or 6 days.
The time flew by way too quickly.

“Hi Dr. Wynn,” I said as I sat down in his office.

He stood up and came around to the front of his desk and sat down opposite me.
“I’ve been able to talk to your parents Cindi.”

“Oh?” I queried.

“Yes, they are very nice people Cindi.
You are very lucky to have such a fine family.
Cindi, they are going to have a tough time for quite a while
with this
,
as might be expected.
But I have explained to them that you are doing everything within yo
ur power to do the right thing.
They are trying to cop
e and they love you very much.
Cindi, you need to love them and always keep in touch with them.
They might not understand, but you must mainta
in your relationship with them.
The same is true with yo
ur siblings and children
,
Cindi.
But of
course, I’m sure that you will.
I can see that that thes
e admonitions are superfluous.
You have already demonstrated your desire to maintain your family relationships.

“I have here a couple dozen phone calls that have come in for you.
Do you want to read them now?”

“Sure,” I replied.
There were numerous calls from my mother, just as many from m
y ex and a couple from friends.

“The numbers are all there so you can
call them back,” he explained.

“Thank you Dr. Wynn,” I said.
“I will.”

“I’ve enjoyed reading the moderator’s and nurses’ notes.
I’m delighted
that the group has come so far.
I’m sure that you have grown in the
experience too,” Dr. Wynn said.

“Yes, it has
been a rewarding experience.”

“What are you going to do once you get out of here?” he asked.

“I’m going to do exactly what we discussed in our first interview.
I’m going to get a new job, grow my hair back, and r
epair the links with my family.
The best I can anyway,” I replied.

“You realize that you may not find work
here Cindi,” Dr Wynn advised.

“I know,” I replied.
“I’ll just have to see wh
at happens and work things out.
I think I still have a job but who k
nows how long that will last.”

“You’ll do fine,” he
said. “Y
ou’
ll have a wonderful life Cindi. In many ways I’m jealous.
I’ve never met anyone who has lived life on both sides.
I’d love to read your memoirs some day.
So let’s wrap this up and get you going.”

“What?”
I as
ked, astonished “I’m leaving?”

“You are fine Cindi; I’ve felt guilty for letting you stay these several days.
But I do feel that having time alone with our strangers would do you good,” he replied.
“Now if that is okay with you, I’ll call your folks to come and pick you up”.
He opened his door and motioned me back into the common.

“Wow!” I said shocking myself as the words left my mouth.
“This is very sudden.
I need to say good bye to everyone
,”

I quickly realized that my private conference with Dr Wynn had overlapped the beginning of the group session.
So I burst in and sat down.
The moderator said.
“I’m going to interrupt here because Cindi has something to tell you” and then she looked at me as I sat down.
“I’ve graduated,” I said as I grinned. “I’m leaving shortly and I’m
going to start my life over.”

Everyone was very
nice to me and wished me luck.
No tears this time but everyone was perfectly nice.
I slipped out the doo
r to go collect my things.
I finished packing and ready to leave my room I turned
to see
Andrea standing
in the doorway
.

“I’m sorry Cindi, but I just couldn’t see you leave without saying good
bye personally and in private.
The moderator let me out so I could.
Cindi… give me a hug.”
She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tender squeeze.
She whispered in my ear “Cindi, I still have
issues
understanding your problem but please know that I will always be your friend.
I love you Cindi. May you have happiness in your life.”

“Promise me you’ll be good Andrea, okay?” I
asked
.

She released me and stood back “I will be very good Cindi,” she said.

“I too wish you the best Andrea.
I will always remember you and I wish you the very best,” I said to her as I choked up. She blew me a kiss as she wandered the long way back to group session.

Mom and Dad appeared through the double doors.
Dad came over and picked up one of my luggage pieces, a stuffed paper sack.
I carried the other.
I gave Mom a hug and I told her that I loved her.
“And you too Dad,” I added.
We checked out and left the hospital.

The late October day was chilly, the sky was clear and the sun shown brightly.
The smell of late autumn filled my senses.

“I’m back,” sang
Squirrel
.

“Where have you been
Squirrel
? I’m so glad that you are back

I would be starting again. But it would not be from the beginning. I loved my family and I loved my life. I knew the steps to take. This was going to be a great day to start the rest of my life

I value honesty.
I believe it to be the most pure of all virtues.
I live my life striving to be honest in all that I do. I will not lie to my family. I do not lie to my customers.
I refuse to create marketing hype for my products.
I will not ever lie to my lifelong companion.
But this has not always been true.
For many years even after my change, deception, lying, and stealing were not only necessary but sometimes required for my very survival.
And, even now, those that I do truly trust, only get part of the truth. My life is full of holes that I manage to not talk about.