Squirrel Cage (2 page)

“Cindi, this is serio
us, are you okay?” she queried.

I told her what I had been contemplating.

“Look Cindi, I want you to
check in at the Mercy hospital.
I have an associate that runs a program there.
We can protect you for the next several days and I can look in on y
ou while we sort this all out.
Is there anyone there that can drive you up there?”

Not thinking, I answered “No.”

“Are you still on speaking terms w
ith your parents?” she queried.

I answered “yes, sort of.”
Why had I
not thought to ask Amy to help?
“Oh well,” I thought to myself, “I just don’t have the will or strength to change the current c
ourse of this roller coaster.”

“Cindi,” Dr. Rantz said, interrupting my endless parallel train of thought, “let me call them
and I’ll get right back to you.
Please just sit down and don’t go anywhere okay?”
I promised that I’d stay put.

I stared back out the window an
d watched the dreary rain fall.
My eyes would swell to tears and I would breathlessly attempt to hold them back.
“
Drip, drip, drip
”.
A small distant rumble of thunder accompanied the phone as it rang.

“Cindi, this is Dr. Rantz again.
I have talked to your parents and they are going to take you to the Mercy Hospital.
Okay?”

“Sure,” I mumbled.

“Cindi, make sure that they take you to the Mercy, Okay?”

“Okay,” I replied.

Dr. Rantz continued, “I have rearranged my schedule and I’ll be able to meet you there Cindi. Please don’t worry. We can sort this out. Your parents said that they would be down there in about 30 minutes.
When I talked to them 10 minutes ago, they said that they were on their way out the door. So they should be there in 20 minutes. I’ll be at the hospital in a half hour to meet you.” Her calm steady tone reassured me and for the first time in two long hours, I felt some solace.

I waited. The rain picked up and pounded the parking structure next door.
The wind was blowing now and the water streamed down the tall windows.
I stood up and
put my nose to the window
.
I felt the cold
seep through the glass
. It felt nice. The well of suicidal thought invaded my mind and my knees failed. Squirrel had abandoned me.

The phone rang again. “Cindi, this is Dr. Rantz again. I am now at the hospital.
Have your parents not come yet?”

“No,” I replied. “They are probably just tied up in traffic with the rain and all”.

“Okay,” she replied, “I will wait here until you can come. I want to make sure that you are alright”.

“Thanks so much,” I responded.

The wind
blew
stronger
pushing the dead leaves in circles outside
and I fell back into my thoughts, wishing that the weekend had never happened.
I watched out the window of my second floor office down on the entrance way. “Where are they?”

The time ticked by slowly and Dr Rantz called back two more times.
She was very worried that something was wrong. Just before she hung up on the second call, I could see my parents’ car pulling into the parking area. “They are here,” I told her.

“Good,” she said. I’ll see you here in a few minutes.

I ran into Amy as I left my office. “Will you tell Dean that I’ll be out the rest of the day Amy?”

“Sure I will Cindi. I’ll call you tonight.
Please be careful. I care for you a great deal and I’d hate to see anything happen to you.”

I walked out into the rain. I looked up at the sky and let the rain fall on my face. I was dying. My life force was flowing down the gutters with the rain. Squirrel was dead. Dad pulled up and I got in the car.
I didn’t say any
thing and neither did my parents
. We headed toward the city and then got onto the Freeway and headed north.

“Dad, where are we going?
I’m supposed to meet Dr. Rantz at Mercy. She is waiting there for me.”

Mom pulled down her visor and glared through the mirror at me rather than to turn to talk to me. “Your father and I have decided that you need to get out of this immoral
path to destruction
. We have contacted a recommended doctor at St. Ben’s in Ogden and we are taking you there”.

I stopped breathing and started planning how I would get back to my car for the magic bullet.

“
Swish, swish, swish
”
.
The windshield wipers were the only sound playing in the back of my mind as I tried to figure out how to get out of this mess.
Here I was trapped in my parents’ car speeding towards the loony bin.
“
Swish, Swish
”
.
How was I going to get back to my car? Maybe I could make a break for it before getting into the hospital and find a buss or hitch a ride back to Salt Lake.
No, that wouldn’t work.
The new St. Benedict’s hospital was built outside the city in a country setting.
“
Swish, swish
”
.

Dad turned up the speed on the wipers as the rain picked up. Traffic was very light and we approached Ogden faster than I hoped for.

Finally, Mom, spoke up.
“David, after your therapist called, we called around and found a highly recommended psychiatrist at St. Ben’s.
We called him and discussed your problem.
He assured us that he could work with you and help you with your problem”.

“Great, I hope that this guy doesn’t think that I’m fascinated with door knob handles like
the last quack
,” I murmured.

“We then made arrangements for you to stay at the hospital until this thing is resolved,” Mom continued.

Dad turned his
lights on as the
rain-drenched
car sped towards my doom.
“
Swish, swish, swish
”
.
I was numb.
I felt nothing.
I didn’t care about anything any more.
I knew that my job was history.
I knew that I could not ever go back to being a man.
How was I going to get back to my car?
40 minutes passed by and Dad turned into the driveway of the
hospital. What would be next?

Dad parked the car and he opened the door for me.
“I’m sorry David, that life is so hard to you,”
he stated.

“Let’s hurry and get in there,” Mom said.

Reluctantly, I got out of the car.
The rain let up and the sun shown through a few breaks in the clouds. The rays of light sparkled to the ground bouncing on moisture particles as it cascaded from the sky.
Finally, there was some beauty on the dreariest day of my life.

I slogged through the water with my parents, looking at those ugly Florshiems splashing with each step.
Dad opened the door for us and we went into the reception area.
Back then, the insurance exam was not needed to qualify for entrance into the hospital.
Mom announced our names and that we were
there
as scheduled to see the doctor.
It took only a couple of minutes.
Or maybe it was longer.
I didn’t pay too much attention to the activities going on around me.
I was still fixated on my wet shoes.

The receptionist asked me for the contents of my pockets.

“Huh?” was my response.

“We need to collect your personal articles so that we can put them in a safe,” she said.
I wearily handed her my wallet and my keys.
“Do you have anything else?” she queried.

“What else could there be?” I asked in response.
“Like a watch, clippers, or pocket knife?” She asked.

“Yea, here is my watch” I answered as I removed it.
I then handed it to her.
I noticed that two young men in white were standing next to us.
“Where did they come from and who are they?” I asked.

“They are here to help you to your room,” Was the answer.
“Right out of a Jack Nicholson movie,” I thought.
“This is getting worse by the second.”

“Okay, these two young men will take you to your room,” the receptionist said.

“May we go with them?” my mother asked.

“No.” answered the lady in white.
The two very nice goons led me to a set of double doors.
They rang the buzzer and a nurse opened one door to let me in.
She motioned to me to follow and all three of us passed into the loony bin.
The nurse directed me to a room right next to the nurse’s station.
She opened the door and ushered me in.
My escorts stood outside.
“Take a seat dear and we’ll get back to you just as soon as we can,” she explained.
I took a seat in one of the plastic chairs in the room and she closed the door.

I scanned the room.
It was painted brilliant white.
There were no pictures or any decoration of any kind.
There were little holes on the wardrobe doors and drawers that must have held handles at one time.
The door to the bathroom had been removed.
There were no towels in the bathroom.
The shower had no curtain or rod. The bed had no bedding.
There was no TV.
“So this is the rubber room
,
” I thought. And then I glanced towards the door.
It had a large pane of wire reinforced glass in it.
I could see the nurse at her station and she turned to see me.
She stood up and walked over to the door and stuck her head in.

“Do you need something hon?” she asked.

“Can you watch me go to the bathroom from where you sit?” I asked.

She answered “Yes, dear.
This is a room where we can watch potential suicide victims. We don’t want them to hurt themselves.”

“Great,” I
growled
silently.
“I’m fine then,” I said.

She closed the door and returned to her station.

I sat in my chair with my legs crossed and my hands folded in my lap.
And I settled in for a long wait.
And it was a long wait.
I became very uncomfortable in the little plastic chair and moved to the bed.
I looked out at the nurse’s station and discovered that she had watched me move to the bed. “I now know that I’m going to die here,” I thought.
After becoming uncomfortable on the bed, I returned to the little plastic chair and sat down with my legs crossed and folded my hands back into my lap.

Another nurse poked her head in and asked if she could get me a drink or som
ething.

“Thank you,” I replied,
“I’d like some cranberry juice if you have any.”

She smiled and responded “I’ll get you some right away.”

I had spent some time in hospitals and getting a nice cold cranberry juice had made me feel better back then.
Perhaps it would help now.
It was cold and the bitter sweetness felt good going down.
I sipped it for a long time.
Then,
I slowly let each ice cube melt in my mouth. Then I drained the melted water in the bottom of the cup.

It had been a very long time.
A very long time to be alone in the “rubber room”.
I finally loosened my tie and released the top button on my shirt.
I took off my jacket and opened the wardrobe to hang it up. There were no hangers or hooks.
I couldn’t believe it.
How would I hang this thing up?
I hated it anyway.
So I threw it in the corner.
The nurse immediately appeared from nowhere and picked up the jacket.

“Let me take this dear and I’ll hang it up for you.
Will you give me your tie?
There is no need for these to get wrinkled”.

I stripped one end of the tie through its perfect double Windsor knot and passed it to her.
She left
,
and the door swung closed.
I checked the
doorknob
,
and it indeed was locked from the inside.

My eyes had finally dried and I could feel the swelling going down.
I fiddled with my shoes.
I took them off.
Once again the nurse returned and asked me for my shoes.
She returned them without laces.

“How long do
I
have to wait?” I asked.