Squirrel Cage (5 page)

After my “brief” introduction, the moderator asked other members for a reaction.
One or two offered bland and insincere comments.
Then she asked Andrea if she would like to say something.

My new friend said “NO!” and buried her face in her hands ever deeper.

“Andrea, I would really like you to offer your feelings.” The moderator said.

Andrea straightened up slightly, keeping her hands over her face.
I could tell that she was crying. “All I can tell you,” she started
,
“is that I find myself in a room with intense and dark evil. Satan is here with us.
I
can’t
be here.
I can’t
respond to this.
I need to leave.”

She quickly got up and left the room in tears.
I felt terrible.
I slumped back into my little world.
I let the
Squirrel
spin the cage in my mind.
She’d run, but she was still silent.
The environmental happenings around my being became second stage to the spinning cage.

The moderator, desperately trying to get the group back under control, said “Please everyone, settle down.
We are here to solve problems, not condemn our peers.
Give me a minute and let me check on Andrea.”
She left the room and suddenly I became acutely aware of 5 pairs of eyes drilling down on me.
As I glanced around the circle, each woman would quickly look at something else.
Jim looked my way with a face wrought with concern.

I watched the seconds tick on the clock until
the moderator returned.
“Andrea will be sitting out this session. Now, let’s continue.
Who else wants to comment on Cindi’s revelation?
Jim would you like to comment?” she queried.

“Sure I would Ms. Moderator.
Cindi is the only honest person here.
She and I had a long chat last night.
Now I don’t know much about you Mormons and I’m not a real religious man…. But let me tell you that Cindi is the finest god damned Christian that I have ever met.
She is honest and was the very first person to talk to me here. None of you have even said shit to me. I know that you are afraid of me but damn it, I am a real person. I have feelings too and Cindi knows that and has tried to help me.
I know that there are some of you here who got to know Cindi last night and instantly liked her.
I heard you laughing and talking in the common last night. You’d better not condemn her now.
She’s not any different.
You just know about her fucking past.”

“Jim, please refrain from swearing,” cautioned the moderator.

Jim had
expressed himself with passion
.
“
I know that it was significantly different than their common group experience
last night
,
”
he finalized.

A pause hung in the air as everyone figured out what to do next.
I looked at the moderator.
Her returned glance said
,
“Let’s go with the flow
.”

She looked at each member of the group. Most squirmed in their seats.
Finally, Jane broke the tension.

“Yea
h
.
What Jim said,” she stated proudly.
“I don’t know Cindi but the first words out of her mouth hit me right.
I like her.”

Slowly but surely,
life
came back to the group.
W
e continued on with the rest of our stories and solicited comment and advice from the other members.
I could tell that some of the others were definitely
having a
hard time with me in the room as we continued. But continue we did
,
and the time allotment for group session
arrived too soon
.

“Well,” the moderator started, “this has been the most interesting group session I’ve observed for some time.
I encourage you to get together and discuss it.
Please.”
She stood and walked back to her office.

I headed straight for the dining area.
My throat was irritatingly dry.
I needed a soda.
I opened the door and retrieved a Diet Coke.
I turned and sat down, shocked to see Jim sitting across the table from me.

“You did okay Cindi.”
I tell you that was the best god damned thing I’ve ever seen.”

Jane joined us at the table.
“May I sit with you two?” she asked.

“Sit yourself down”
said
Jim as he deftly stood and pulled a chair out for her.
Undoubtedly, she was very surprised at his response.

“Jim and Cindi, I just wanted to tell you both that this was the best group we’ve had.
I know that everyone else was uncomfortable but I really liked what you both said.
Cindi and Jim, I wa
nt to be your friend too.”

“Well I’ll be dashed,” said Jim.

I looked at him wryly and queried “Dashed Jim?
Are you cleaning up your language?”

“Hell
no,
its just something I saw in a movie,” he replied jokingly.

“I will be honored to be your friend
,
Jane.”
I said.

“Are we going to have lunch together?” asked Jane.

“By all means young lady
,
” Jim responded.

With that Jane left and started talking to the other members in the common.
Big Brother was taking notes again.

As we sat at the table enjoying our lunch, I took special note that Andrea was absent.
I felt sad that my new frie
nd
tore herself
away from me.
S
quirrel
started spinning up her
cage
in my mind
again as I lamented my latest loss.

“Cindi,” Jane announced, “please tell us about yourself.”

Someone else clamored for additional details.
With that I told them about myself, that I was an engineer, the hobbies that I enjoyed, and all other trivia.
Then the real questions came.

“Have you had any surgery?”

“Do you like men?”

“Have you ever kissed a man?”

“What does it feel like?”

They flooded the room with the full gambit of questions.
I answered them as best as I could.
I did feel uncomfortable with this but I told them I wanted to answer all of their questions and concerns.

Lunch extended well beyond 1:30 as we talked. One by one, each of us got up and went back to our respective rooms.
I brushed my teeth and decided to see if I could catch some news on TV.
I missed it again.
“Oh so what” I said to myself.
What’s going on in here is much more interesting.
Sure it was hard and it was difficult, but I could feel that I was facing my demons and knocking them down one by one.

I opened the door to let some fresh air in.
Nurse Big Brother was frantically writing in her notepad.
I could see Andrea in the opposite corner talking to Jane and one other woman from the group.
I left my room and approached them to try
to
talk to Andrea.
She politely excused herself and fled back to her cave.

“Cindi, Andrea is very upset with you.” Jane said.

“I know” I said sadly.
“I’m so sorry that I hurt her,” I added.

“It’s not your fault,” said the other woman.
“I do not understand your problem either.
That is something you taught me in group this morning.
You don’t have to understand a problem
,
but you can feel compassion for someone.
I’m finding out now, just since then, that I have new friends.
We might not be friends for life but we are getting to know each other,” she said.

“Hey, it’s almost time for afternoon group.” Jane interjected.
I looked up at the wall clock.
Where had the time gone?

Andrea
arrived and
tried to find a chair where she couldn’t see me.
S
he searched in vain. With only
eight
chairs in a circle, there is no where to hide.

“It’s nice that we are all here again.” The moderator said.
“I’m very pleased that Andrea has decided to join us again,” she added.

“It’s not like I
want
to be here” grumbled Andrea.

We started sharing our problems and talking about them, just as we did earlier in the morning.
But I did notice a distinct change from the morning session.
Most expressed real interest and tried to connect with the other group members.
Finally, the moderator asked Andrea to say her piece.
And she unwillingly complied.

“There is black evil in this room and it makes me very uncomfortable.” Andrea started.
“I don’t know what you want me to say but I know I don’t want to be here. And that’s all I have to say.”
She stared at me with her blue eyes piercing my very soul.

“So what is the problem you are sharing with us Andrea?’ queried the moderator.
“Is it your problem or Cindi’s problem?”

“Well it certainly isn’t my problem and I don’t want to talk about it,” answered Andrea.

“Anyone want to comment?” asked the moderator.
Jane was the first to speak up.

“This is really weird Andrea.
I don’t get it.
Cindi is a real decent person.
She is not the devil in sheep’s clothing,” she said.

“Yes she is. She’s the devil,” Andrea retorted.

“You used the pronoun she Andrea.” Jim chimed in.
“You already have made the first step to accepting Cindi for who she is.”

Andrea pulled her hands away from her face and glowered at Jim.
“How dare you!” she screamed.
“I do not acknowledge her, she is evil!”

“There you go again.” Jane
said
.

“You know you are right.” Another woman added.
“How many of us know Cindi as a man? Or who among us think of her as a man?”

I realized that none of them had really noticed me when I first arrived.
They had never seen “David”.
They knew only Cindi.
This was indeed an interesting turn of events.

“Andrea,” Jane started, “do you see Cindi as a man or as a woman?”
“She looks like a woman to me but she said that she was a man this morning.”

“
So when you look at her, what do you see?”
interrupted the moderator.

Andrea turned her glowering face in my direction and looked at my chin.
“I guess she looks like a woman.” Andrea stated coldly.

Another member of the group asked “Well Andrea, you do see her as a woman.
What is evil in that?”
“I don’t know,” she said.

I could take it no longer.
“Andrea, I know that we have known each other for only a short period of time.
We had a wonderful time last night.
Believe me, I am the same person.
I am not evil incarnate.
I will not tempt you with any sinful act.
Remember what Jesus said when the Pharisees asked him what was the most important commandment?
He said that the most important laws were to love god and then thy neighbor.
He also implied that all of the othe
r commandments were based on tho
se two.
It seems to me if we all were to obey these two commandments, the others would not be necessary.”
I went on
,
“believe me.
I have had to deal with this same problem of “being evil” with myself.
For years, with every waking moment, I thought myself to be a horrible sinner.
An authority of the church told me my sin was second only to murder. Can you imagine how I have felt facing this awesome thing every single moment of my life?
I want to be your friend Andrea.
I know you have tried to commit suicide.
So have I.
None of you know this yet but I have tried twice.
On the second attempt I actually hung myself and kicked away the stool.”

Andrea lifted her eyes and looked at me, not my chin, but me.
Understanding washed over her.
“You tried to kill yourself too?” she asked.