Stardancer (Tellaran Series) (33 page)

“Why do you pretend to this?” His nostrils flared. “I know you could not have done such, did you care for me.”

Her eyes widened. “If I
cared
? Aidar, there were four of them with blasters pointed right at you! I had to do it, it was the only way.”

“The only—?” He scowled. “Think you I would not have fought for you?” 

“I know you would have.” She swallowed. “And they would have killed you. I
had
to convince you not to fight but I didn’t mean any of what I said.” Her hands stroked his chest as if she could smooth the hurt away. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” 

Distrust flashed in his eyes but he was puzzled too. “Think you I would not have been proud to die for you?”

She shook her head. “Do you think I could let you? If there was any way for me to save you?”

“An Az-kye mate would never have done such,” he gritted out. “
She
would respect my rights, value my honor above all.”

“I know.” Her hand rested on his chest, she could feel his heart beating under her palm. “But I couldn’t lose you like that, not when I could stop it. I can’t believe it didn’t kill me to leave you. But you’re here, you’re alive, and whatever it cost me then, it was worth it.
You’re
worth it.”

He regarded her silently, his thoughts hidden now behind warrior impassivity. “Do you mean this that you say?”

“That I’m sorry I hurt you? That I didn’t mean a word of it? That I would have done anything to save you? Of course I do!” She looked at her hand, resting over his heart, feeling it beating strong. “I love you.”

His brow creased. “I thought—”

“That I didn’t love you?” she asked shakily. “Oh, gods, I can’t believe how much I love you!”

He looked away, shifting his weight. “After your leaving I did not think to ever look on you again. I would not have come now but Tedah told me of the child.”

“Tedah?” She shook her head, Aidar could only have seen him if— “Tedah’s on Az-kye!
That’s
why I haven’t seen him! He snuck off without telling me!”

She felt a flash of disappointment and annoyance that she couldn’t give Aidar the baby news herself.

But Tedah found you and sent you to me.

And what did it matter how he knew? She smiled. He knew, they were together now and this was a moment of joy.

Aidar’s dark eyes regarded her gravely.

Her smile faded. He was just looking down at her, his expression serious, hardly holding her at all, almost as if he were returning her embrace out of politeness.

“So, Tedah told you about the baby?” She cleared her throat. “Did he tell you it’s a girl?” 

He nodded.

Something was very off. A knot formed in her stomach. “Is that why you’re here? Did—did you come to take me back to Az-kye?”

He looked away again and stepped back, out of her embrace. 

“No,” he said softly. “I have not.”

“Oh.” Her throat closed and she suddenly realized that he hadn’t thrown his arms around her in joy to see her again. He hadn’t pulled her against him like he used to, his mouth hot on hers, trembling with want and need.

He’d jerked away from her touch. He hadn’t even tried to kiss her, his embrace light, uncomfortable.

She played it back in her mind and the knot in her stomach grew tighter.
He would not have come? He didn’t intend to see me again?

Wait . . . an Az-kye mate would have respected his honor?
Her heart picked up speed.
He told me Lashima’s priestess can undo a binding.  Aidar just said “she” not “you.” Did he mean a particular
she
?

Oh, gods, does he—

The idea hit with a searing burst of pain. 

Does he not love me anymore?

Aidar’s glance went past her, to the garden around them, to the white house tinted blue by the moons’ light. “To be home—to be
here
with your family—this is what you wanted always. You never made secret of it. I have had much time to think on it, and to know regret.  I should never have tried to make you Az-kye.”

“No! I mean—” she stumbled over her words. “Of course, I’m glad I got to see my father again but I—”

“Tellarans are not bound,” he interrupted.  “I understand now that Tellaran is what you must be—
Kinara—
what you are.”

Oh, man.
Her heart was pounding now. He’d had months to recall all those horrible things she’d said, to let them burn into his mind and poison his heart against her. This was going wrong, all wrong.

She tucked her hair back behind her ear. “Aidar, listen, please, I know I’ve made—
gods
, lots of mistakes—”

He reached up and drew his sword from the scabbard at his back. Kinara blinked, her glance darted around the grounds seeking the threat he saw.

But Aidar didn’t raise the blade or fall into a fighter stance. He turned the ancient weapon, gently, reverently, so it laid flat with the blade and hilt balanced on his upturned palms. He looked down at it for several heartbeats, the blade’s silver metal bright in the moonlight.

“I longed for you without end, Kinara,” he said finally. “I could not bear the loss of you. I thought, I cannot be mistaken, there were times you felt joy with me but I could not deny your words, your
leaving
—” He shook his head.

“Aidar.” She reached for him but stopped short, afraid he would shrug off her hand if she touched him.

He met her gaze. “When Tedah told me of the child I knew I must come, even if you would not look on me,” he said quietly. His eyes were sorrowful. “But I cannot ask you to return to Az-kye with me.”

Her legs felt weak. “You can’t?”

He held his father’s sword out to her, his face ragged. “So I too will be Tellaran.”

“What?” she breathed.

“If to be Tellaran is your wish,” he swallowed, “then I too will be Tellaran.”

“But—” Her gaze was drawn to the ancient sword he offered, the ornate etching that ran along the blade. “What about your clan, your name, all of it?”

“Without you, and our child, what does any of it matter?” His dark eyes were pained now. “I love you, Kinara. To be with you
is
all to me.”

“Oh,” she whispered, unable to do more than spread her hands helplessly as tears blurred her vision. 

“I will be a good Tellaran husband,” he promised solemnly. “I will learn to dance.”

She covered her mouth with her hand and the tears overflowed. At that moment she felt a flutter, a small thumping from inside . . .

She gasped.

His brow creased. “Wait, Tedah said— No, I have done this wrong,” he muttered. “I should have purchased a betrothal bracelet first.”

She gave a broken sob and shook her head. “No, you did it perfectly.”

He extended his sword a little more, hopefully. “You will take me then, as husband?”

“I don’t want a Tellaran husband, Aidar.” His face fell and she rushed on. “I want an Az-kye mate. I want
you
, just as you are. And I want to go home—to
our
home—on the Imperial world.”

He caught his breath, searching her face. “
Cy’atta
, is this truly what you wish?”

“Gods, yes. So you better hold onto that,” she said with a nod at the sword he held to her. “Especially since we still need to go inside to tell my father you’re taking me back to Az-kye and, if I have anything to do with it, the next time he sees me it’ll be on the other side of the table for the treaty negotiation.”

A quick smile lit his face. He sheathed his sword.

She stepped closer and his arms went around her very, very gently. His gaze was velvet soft and then she felt it again. She couldn’t take back the hurt she had caused but there was something she could give him.

He bent to kiss her but she grabbed his hand and placed it against the slight curve of her belly. 

“Wait,” she whispered, holding his warm broad palm against her belly. “Wait.” 

They stood there like that, the night warm and silent around them.

Thump
.

She looked up. “Did you feel that?”

His eyes got very round. His mouth opened and closed but his tongue failed him. 

She saw the shine of tears in those beloved dark eyes and caught his face in her hands.

“I love you, Aidar,” she said, raising her mouth to his. “And don’t worry, that binding stuff works just fine on Tellarans.”