Starting Fires (42 page)

“Get your fill?” Wally whispered to me. “I can lean back down if you want me to.”

“Shut up,” I whispered, my face heating. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Right,” he said at full volume.

There were still a few minutes to spare and Michael talked my ear off through them. I was polite and engaged him, but it was hard for me to concentrate with Lucas so near.

Finally, the music started playing as Ian helped his father walk to the tree. He was using an oxygen tank and leaning on a cane. The sight made me emotional. In a few months, he might not be here, and they’d made it a point to include him as much as they could. How could her parents be upset with her for wanting to do that?

Once they were settled, Nicole came out wearing a light pink, sleeveless dress that stopped at her knees. She spotted me in the audience and gave me a tiny wave. I chuckled and waved back. Once she was at the makeshift altar, the wedding march began, and we all stood. Lacey didn’t have a flower girl. It was just her and her father coming around the side of the house. She was a vision. Stunning. Her dress was simple as were her hair and makeup but I’d never seen her look more beautiful. As she approached Ian, his smile grew wider and wider. It wasn’t until her father gave her away that I realized I was crying. Only a few tears, but I quickly wiped them away.

The wedding was fast. No drawn out speeches or words. It was straight and to the point. Before I knew it, the preacher was announcing them Mr. and Mrs. Ian Davis. We clapped and cheered as they shared their first kiss as husband and wife and then made their way down the aisle.

“That was crazy fast,” Wally said.

“I know,” Lucas and I said at the same time. Wally smiled from ear to ear, but I cleared my throat. Lucas pretended as if I hadn’t spoken at all.

The drive to the hunting lodge was only about twenty minutes, but I had to ride it by myself. Wally chose to go with Lucas. Some date he was. I’m sure that Michael would have ridden with me had I asked, but I wasn’t going there.

You wouldn’t think that a hunting lodge could be romantic, but it was beautiful. It was a huge wooden building with a large veranda off to the side, overlooking a lake. Woods and other cabins outlined the area. Inside all the hunting flair had been taken down and replaced with flowers and ribbons or bows.

My date was talking with Ian, Lucas, and Charles. Priscilla was tight on Charles’ arm, and Lacey was standing next to Ian. I needed to tell them congratulations. Swallowing my nerves, I walked to them with a bright smile, trying not to give away how freaked out I was.

As Lacey saw me, a huge smile overcame her. “I’m so happy for you,” I said giving her a hug.

“Thank you,” she said. “This is the most wonderful I’ve felt in my entire life. I can’t even think straight.”

“You look beautiful,” I said.

Her sweet face blushed and then she pulled me in for another hug. She gave me an extra-long squeeze before softly saying, “Loving someone is scary, but it’s the greatest feeling in the world. Don’t be too scared, Marlowe.” My eyes nervously went to Lucas. He was watching us, but looked away when we made eye contact. “You’re going to regret it one day.”

Hearing someone call me out on my issues, made my eyes water. “I’ll try to remember that,” I said feebly.

She pulled back and smiled again. Wanting to get away, afraid that she would say something else, I stepped up to Ian. “Congratulations,” I said, and gave him an outstretched hand. “I’m happy for you, too.”

“Thanks,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. Instead of shaking my hand, he hugged me tightly. After he let go, I excused myself to the restroom, needing a moment to compose myself. When I returned, I spotted an empty table and took a seat.

I don’t know how long I sat there by myself. Time seemed to slow. Periodically, I would spot Lucas and watch him for a second, but turn away unable to bear it for long. His mother and father were there. But so far, they hadn’t approached me. After the way I’d acted the last time they saw me, they were probably afraid to. Someone dropped off a glass of punch. I didn’t even see who it was. It had been finished for a while when Michael approached me. “Want to dance?” His eyes were alight with playfulness.

Now was as good a time as any. “As friends?” I pointedly asked him.

His eyes lost their flare. “Yeah, as friends.”

As we approached the dance floor, it was obvious that he regretted asking me. His body was stiff, all the playfulness gone. While we moved, I tried to think of a way to take the sting out of my rejection. Not knowing any other way, I said, “I’m sorry. It’s just… there’s sort of someone else.”

“I figured,” he smiled. “I saw the way you two have been looking at each other all night. But I’d hoped… ah never mind.” It must have been only my glances that he’d noticed. As far as I could tell, Lucas was staying as far away from me as possible.

Once the song was over, Wally approached us. “May I cut in,” he said overly cheesy. Michael handed me to him, and I went into his arms with a smile.

“It’s about time,” I grinned. “What good is a date if I never even see you?”

“Got shit to do woman,” he said playfully. “Can’t expect me to be at your beck and call.”

I chuckled and let him lead me around with no rhyme or reason. A few times, he stepped on my foot, but I couldn’t decide if it was on purpose or not. Eventually, the floor crowded and we weren’t able to flounce around as before.

I was holding onto his shoulders when I saw Lucas dancing with a girl I didn’t know. She was pretty and it made my heart ache. They turned and he caught me staring, but didn’t look away. For what felt like a lifetime, we eyed one another. It was remarkable what could be said without ever having to utter a single word.

I want you.

I’m sorry.

I need you.

It’s too late.

You were the one.

The only one.

The girl in his arms spoke to him, and he broke eye contact. I huffed and rested my chin on Wally’s shoulder. He turned with me and after a second, pulled back.

“Do you think I’m happy, Marlowe?” he asked out of nowhere.

“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “You seem happy.”

“I’m fucking miserable,” he said. “All the time.”

My body grew tense, unsure where he was going with this. “I didn’t know that.”

“Nobody does. Because I don’t want people to. But every day I have to force myself to get out of bed. I have to force myself to put on a smile, because my family hates me, I’m nearly thirty years old and I have nothing to show for it. I have a job that I thankfully love, but will be hard pressed to ever make money doing it. I suck. I contribute literally nothing to society.”

Hearing him talk this way about himself made me defensive for him. “Don’t say that,” I said. “You’re wonderful. I love being around you.”

“Thanks,” he smirked, turning us again. “But let me tell you something. All my life I’ve felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. No place was right for me. Finally I said screw it, I’m just going to do what I want, and I’ve been saying that for years, but I still haven’t found a place that I belong. I’m still searching.”

My brows went in. “Wally, that’s so sad. You don’t feel like you belong with us?”

“Of course, I do,” he said. “But that’s not what I’m getting at. I mean being loved, Marlowe. Truly loved for everything that I am. And if I had for just one second what you and Lucas have, I wouldn’t be throwing it away. I’ve seen you with him. I’ve seen
him
with you. You light each other up so bright sometimes it’s hard to be around you. Why do you want to throw all that away?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “It feels lost. Like we can’t go back.”

“Who says you have to? Go forward. Start over. And sweets, it’s
not
lost. Not yet.”

Thankfully, the music stopped. Given what he’d just said, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could dance. In the silence that followed, I searched the crowd for Lucas, but he was nowhere to be seen. The DJ announced that it was time for the father/daughter dance and we cleared the floor as Lacey and her dad walked to the center. When the violins started playing, and her father’s eyes filled with unshed tears, I decided that I needed a breath of fresh air.

Without stopping to speak to anyone, I went through the glass doors and onto the veranda. The cool, summer breeze ruffled my hair as I stepped out. I took a breath and walked to the railing to admire the view. The lake was stunning at this time of day. The setting sun gave the surface of the water a warm glow that rippled and danced with the breeze. In the distance, I saw a small boat, a man casting a fishing rod off the side. I wasn’t at the edge of the lake, but I realized that this scene was so much like the painting I’d bought in New Orleans. Or that Lucas had bought me. A girl in a purple dress, staring out into the water. The difference was
that
girl seemed to be figuring everything out. I, on the other hand, still didn’t have a clue.

For a few minutes, I closed my eyes and let the rare Louisiana, summer wind rush over me. Inside, I heard a few squeals and turned to look over my shoulder. People were gathering in the center of the room. And Lucas was standing against the side of the building, one foot propped on the wall. “Looks like they’re throwing the bouquet,” he said.

How long had he been out here? The whole time? I hadn’t heard the door open. “I’ll pass,” I said and looked back to the water to hide my glassy eyes.

His feet started moving on the wooden deck, and I listened intently, trying to decide if he was going inside or coming to me. After a few steps, I realized they were approaching. I took a breath and tried to settle myself. “Yeah, it’s not really your style,” he said, leaning next to me on the railing.

“No,” was all I offered. In silence, we stared out at the water. Was Wally right? Could it be that easy? Just forget all the past and start fresh? I’d done it with my father and those had been some serious issues to work through, but I was hopeful about us.

“I’m selling the bar,” he said. “And my house.”

“Are you going to open your store?” I asked.

“Yeah.” This was good. Great even. It meant he was living for himself and not those around him. “You know,” he continued. “You’re the only person who ever told me to do it. I talked with a few others, Candace, Charles, Ian, even Kate, but they all told me to keep it. They said it seemed too big a risk. You were the only one who told me to go for it.”

“You deserve happiness,” I said. “If selling it is going to give that to you, then you should do it.” I realized that he’d also said he was selling his house. Why would he be doing that? Was he leaving? The thought made my emotions flip. “But why are you selling your house?” I asked quietly.

“I’m moving to Florida,” he said. “There’s a good opportunity for me there.”

He’d said it like it was nothing, and even sounded excited. Was he leaving because of what had happened between us? I couldn’t imagine living in my house without him being across the street. His absence would be a sledgehammer to my heart. The thought alone brought tears to my eyes. “I don’t want you to leave,” I said, sounding nasally and heartbroken.

His eyes bore into mine. “Why?” he asked.

This was another moment. A moment that could define us. If I didn’t take it now, it would slip through my fingers as the last one had. My mouth opened and closed while he waited for me to answer.

“Tell me why,” he pleaded.

The veranda doors opened and a horde of people walked out, all carrying lanterns. Lucas sighed, running a hand through his hair. As he walked off, he gave me a sad shrug. I would have followed him, but Nicole was suddenly in front of me, handing me a lantern as well. “We’re going to light them,” she smiled. “And then let them float up into the air. Just like in
Tangled
!” She started pushing me towards the stairs, and I craned my neck trying to see him. He was walking back into the building.
Later,
I told myself.
After this is through, I’ll find him.

The lanterns were lit and sent off into the air. Everyone lingered on the grass to watch them float higher and higher, but I didn’t. I went after him. I searched the entire lodge and grounds. Eventually I made my way to the parking lot, but his car was gone. He’d left.

 

Chapter 36

T
he following week
his bar and house were for sale. It didn’t even look like he was staying at his home anymore. I never saw his car, and the few times I’d driven by the bar, it wasn’t there either. It was really happening. He was leaving, going somewhere else to start a new life. He was moving on, and I couldn’t believe that I was going to let him.

I found myself walking around in a haze, not communicating with my roommates or friends. I got up and showered because I was supposed to. I went looking for jobs because I needed to. All I really
wanted
to do was lay in my bed and cry, but I couldn’t let myself be that weak.

After the wedding, I’d barely seen him, and found myself begging for anything that would let me feel connected to him.

Running into his mother at the grocery store ended up being a welcomed shock. I’d been reaching down for a can of peaches and when I came up, suddenly she was standing right next to me. My head jerked back in surprise. “Helen?” I smiled. “What are you doing here?” They lived thirty miles away. This was quite a drive for groceries.

“William and I are visiting some friends,” she said with a smile. “They want me to make blackberry pie. Not many places around here carry the ingredients. But, oh is it good to see you,” she said, pulling me in for a hug.

“You, too. I, uh, saw you at the wedding,” I said when she let me go.

“And I saw you. Such a beauty you are. I’m sorry we didn’t make time to speak to you, but I wasn’t sure…”

“I understand,” I said. “Things are different. I wasn’t sure either.”

“Have you heard about Lucas?”

“That he’s moving?” She nodded, pulling her mouth to the side in a slight pucker. “Yes. He told me. Do you know when?”

“He’s been staying with William and I. Oh, William is going to be so sad that he missed you,” she interjected, but continued. “Anyway, as far as I know he hasn’t sold the house yet.”

“How does Mr. William feel about the bar being for sale?”

“Well,” she looked down in thought. “At first he was sad, but he and Lucas had a nice long talk. I think he’s fine with it now.”

“That’s good,” I said, staring at my peaches.

We were silent and I was about to tell her goodbye when she said, “That boy’s an idiot,” making me chuckle. “Ooo, I could have skinned him alive when Candace showed up at the lake. I love her momma and daddy, but she’s more trouble than she’s worth.” Helen grabbed me by the arm as she started walking down the aisle. “I’ve been telling him and telling him not to mess around with her, but he doesn’t have a lick of sense.”

“Can’t say that I don’t agree with you,” I smiled, finding it odd that I could smile about something that had left me so brokenhearted, but there was something about Helen. Her presence brought a peace. She was the type of woman that if you needed comfort, you’d seek her out—knowing that, no matter what the problem was, she’d take you into her arms and hug the pain away.

She reached up and grabbed a pack of flour, putting it in her basket. “I’m so sorry, honey,” she said, unable to look at me. “Bill, Mia, and I, we just didn’t know what to say or if we would make things worse. So we kept our mouths shut, and maybe we shouldn’t have. Then he came to the house just lit up with you. You were all he could talk about.” She brought her eyes to mine and smiled. “That’s the kind of love a mother wants for her baby boy. I’d hoped that when you came by it would mean…” She paused. “Oh, I don’t know. Just something.”

“Me, too, Helen,” I said then took a breath. “But it’s okay. I’m okay.” I don’t know who I was trying to convince, her or me, but I don’t think either of us were buying it.

“Do you want me to tell Lucas that I saw you?” she asked.

I didn’t know what good it would do, so I shrugged. “It was nice to see you,” I said and gave her another hug, hoping that it wouldn’t be the last.

A few days later, I was standing in front of the door at Burns. Wally and Charles had approached me, saying that Lucas had officially quit the band. Tonight was going to be the last time they played together. Word had gotten out and a large crowd had come to see them off. The parking lot was full and they didn’t perform for another hour and a half. This was a bittersweet moment. On the one hand, Lucas was finally doing what he wanted and I was proud of him. On the other, this would be the last time I’d see him sing on that stage, and we weren’t at a place that we could share this meaningful event together. Taking a breath, I pushed through the door.

The familiar neon lights of the beer signs, the click and clack of pool, the smoky aroma, the loud laughter, it all hit me and I realized this place would never be the same without him.
I
wouldn’t be the same.

Burns had become a staple in my life. It was where I went to have fun. It was where I went to steal moments with Lucas. It was where I went to forget the worries of the week. If someone else owned it, would I still want to go? Probably not. It would feel wrong.

Lucas wasn’t behind the bar, but he was sitting there, a large group of people around him. They were slapping him on the back or giving him hugs, sad to see him go. Around the room, I spotted my friends. Ian and Lacey were cuddled up at a table, whispering sweetly to one another. Priscilla and Charles were shooting pool, him standing behind her to help line up a shot. Nicole was in a corner, hanging all over some guy that I’d never before seen. Paul was even there. When I’d told him about it, I didn’t think he’d come, but he was sitting at table with a pretty blonde. It was obvious from their body language that they were
together.
If Wally was around, I didn’t see him.

Everyone I knew was paired up and I didn’t know which ones would welcome a third wheel. As I pondered it, I saw Mia sitting at a table with a few friends, her eyes never leaving Paul for long. The sadness in them was obvious, and I felt bad for her. Over her shoulder, standing with a group of his friends was Fontenot. He kept looking in her direction, but pretending not to. Despite the longing on his face, I
didn’t
feel bad for him.

“Hey girl,” Wally said from behind me, grabbing my shoulders. “I knew you’d make it. Now let’s go congratulate our friend on starting his new life.” Before I had time to respond or protest, he was pushing me across the room. I tried to dig my feet into the floor, but he was stronger. With a final shove, I was in front of Lucas.

Awkwardly, I stood at his side as he talked with someone. Sensing a new person next to him, he turned his head, doing a double take. “Hey,” he said rising from the bar.

“Hey.”

We didn’t speak further and I looked to the floor. “You excited man?” Wally said from my side. “Before you know it, you’ll be gone.”

“Um, yeah,” he said. “It’s pretty cool.” His hands went into his pockets and my stomach knotted. His face looked so upbeat about the whole thing, as if leaving didn’t bother him at all. I was a mess inside.

Don’t go. Stay.

“What do you think, Marlowe?” Wally asked. “Florida? It’s quite a drive. Bet he won’t be able to get back much.”

Lucas ducked his head, cutting his eyes up to me. “I think…” I paused, carefully considering my answer while resisting the urge to punch Wally. “I think that you seem pretty happy with the decision. So I hope that it works out for you.” Not wanting to subject myself to more of Wally’s japes, I decided to leave. “Excuse me,” I said, taking a few steps and then turning back. “I
really
do hope it works out for you,” I told Lucas, in case he thought I was trying to be snotty. When he nodded, I joined Lacey and Ian.

Their show started, and while the crowd gathered around them, I went to the bar and turned my stool towards the stage. Their small group of fans cheered and screamed as they started playing. Lucas looked magnificent as he gripped the microphone stand and belted out the words to
When You Were Young
by The Killers. It was difficult not to acknowledge the tingles that spread throughout my body. Gone were his flirtatious glances, and sly smirks to the girls in the crowd. His eyes were mostly closed, only opening to scan the audience every so often. I had the egotistical thought that perhaps he was looking for me.

As their show went on it, was hard not to smile as Charles lost himself on his drums, or when Ian and Wally jerked their instruments through their solos. When I’d first moved here, the only person I knew was Bear, now I’d be hard pressed to feel alone in this bar. Everywhere I looked was a face I recognized. I cared about these people, and I cared about the man behind the microphone most of all.

He’d come into my life by chance, turned my world upside down, and made me question everything. When we started our little romance, I was so certain that I’d be able to keep him at arm’s length, that I’d be strong enough to walk away from him. I’d been wrong. Little by little, he’d whittled the walls around my heart until it was utterly exposed for him. Had I affected him this way, too? Did seeing me make his palms sweat and his throat tighten? It was hard to tell.

On their last song, I leaned my elbow on the bar, resting my jaw along my palm. He’d been too much for me. I hadn’t prepared myself for what it would mean to love or need him, because I hadn’t thought it possible. I’d thought that I’d be too jaded for that, too bitter to feel those things for at least a few years. But he’d made it so easy. And then he’d made it hard.

His eyes finally found mine, and even with his recent cool demeanor, he couldn’t hide the look of relief on his face. I smiled, giving him a shy wave. His lips turned up only a tiny bit, before he moved on to other people in the crowd.

With their song almost finished, I got off the barstool and walked to his office. It felt wrong of me to do this. I didn’t belong back here anymore. Standing in front of his desk, I took a blank piece of paper from his printer and wrote
Make the most of Florida. You deserve happiness and love. Maybe you’ll find it there. With all my heart - Marzy.

I meant every word, and folded the paper, writing his name on the outside. I didn’t bother walking back through the bar and approached the back exit, pausing only to hear him say through the speakers, “Thank you for coming to see us week after week. It’s been a great few years!”

The crowd cheered and I left.

I was sitting in front of a burly man in his late 50s. He had glasses and pristine gray hair, remarkable to behold. I don’t think I’d ever seen anything more potently gray. If my instincts were correct, they were going to hire me, but I couldn’t decide if I even wanted the job. It was a job. I should take it. But it was a boring one. I’d be sitting in front of desk filing paperwork and doing the shitty things that no one else wanted to.

Maybe I should move too—put this city behind me and start over again somewhere. Somewhere warm, but not too warm. Somewhere with palm trees, sand, and beautiful beaches. Somewhere like Florida.

I pushed that thought aside, hating that I was daydreaming about chasing after him. He was going because he thought it was best for him. I should let him.

The man dropped my resume and gave me a smile. “I think you’d be a wonderful asset to the team,” he said. “How soon can you start?”

I could start right away, but did I want to? Knowing that Lucas was planning on living his dream made me feel like I should, too. And this wasn’t my dream. “Do you mind if I think about it?” I said, knowing that was going to seal my fate with this company. Unless I called them back today, I wouldn’t be hired.

His lips pulled into a tight smile. “Take all the time you need,” he said.

I thanked him for his time and gave his hand a shake. As I drove home, I thought about my predicament. My father was still footing the bill for me, but I couldn’t let him continue. Student loans were going to be due soon, too.

I should have just taken the job. Everything else in my life was miserable, why not let my job suck, too?

No. What I really wanted was my old job back, but Paul told me that my position had been filled. A few days ago, I went to talk with Mr. Yudeski and he seemed sympathetic to my situation, but there wasn’t anything he could do for me. He was nice enough to assure me that if a position became available that my resume would be at the top of the pile. That was something, I guess.