Stilettos & Stubble (25 page)

Lubov kissed me
on the cheek.  Her skin was a soft as silk - why had we never noticed
that
before? 
‘Vot’s your story, Percy?  Tell me about
your
heart.’

*****

It was pretty
weird, talking to a new friend who, up until a few hours ago, I’d believed to
be a man.  Now, not only was
he
a woman,
she
was my dad’s
ex-girlfriend.

As bizarre evenings
went, it was right up there.

We talked, we
drank, we cried, we laughed.  And then we drank a bit more.

The whole Luke
story came flooding out and I admitted to Lubov that I’d been trying to keep up
an act of my own.

She looked at me
and giggled drunkenly.  ‘I sink perhaps zat I am ze last people to be telling
you off.’  She clinked her glass clumsily against mine.  ‘To phonies!’

We were just
beginning to look miserably at the four empty wine bottles, and craving more,
when there was a quiet tap on the front door.

I looked through
the spy hole to see a tear-stained Diana and, when I opened up, she fell though
the frame with a box of Chardonnay.

‘Fancy some
company, Percy?  I have wine.’  She hiccupped and tripped over to Lubov.

‘Vine is goot.’ 
Lubov said in her lusciously deep voice, ‘Pour big vuns and ve talk.’

It was Diana’s
turn to sob.  Our combined tissue pile was now an impressive mountain and she
plucked one after the other from the box as she wept and wailed and told her own
sorry story.

‘I really liked
Tom,’ she started, followed by a nose blow.  ‘He’s the one man I’d met who I
thought was worth making changes for.  But he won’t even
see
me.  He
doesn’t even know how much I’ve altered for him.  He rang me tonight and said
he didn’t think it would work - that we were too different.’

Well, he’d
finally taken my advice and called her but I
had
hoped he’d see fit to
take her out and explain face to face.  This was
not
the way things were
meant to have worked out.

‘I was so miserable
before,’ Diana went on.  ‘It was such hard work being perfect and it certainly
didn’t bring me any luck with men!  So, I kind of sensed that Tom liked me but
had doubts about my high maintenance factor.  It made sense for me to change
but it looks like it was too late.  Bloody, buggering men!’  She downed her
drink and held her glass out to Lubov for more.  ‘Let’s get hammered!’

‘I sink ve may be
vun step ahead of you, Diana,’ Lubov slurred, slopping more drink into her
glass.

We sat in our own
drunken bubbles for a while, Lubov humming her tortured love songs while Diana
picked a tissue into a thousand pieces which she threw over her shoulder - a
game Bogey thought was great.  Suddenly a thought came to me through my
wine-induced haze.

I stood up slowly
and went to the mantelpiece, ready to hold court with my revelation.

‘Listen!  Listen,’
I shouted as I tripped over Bogey, soaking him in wine.  ‘It’s funny really.  Think
about it.  Me and Dopey Diana have swapped roles.’  I stopped, realising my
faux pas, but it had apparently gone unnoticed by Diana, who was doing her best
to keep me in her vision through squinty eyes and clearly trying to concentrate
on what I was saying.  I noticed a cigarette hanging out of her mouth - she
didn’t smoke!  I guessed desperate times called for desperate measures.  Lubov didn’t
smoke either and she was having a vague attempt at trying to light one too!

‘We’re both doing
anything we can within our power to keep our men - and it’s shnot … I mean,
it’s
not
working.  It’s not getting us nowhere … I think I mean
anywhere.
’ 
I slid to my knees onto the floor and rubbed Bogey’s ears.  ‘And as for you,
Lubov, my father is a dick! 
 You
can’t help being younger.  It’s no
excuse.  Men are bastards - they don’t know what they want.’

Silence enveloped
us for a while and then I said.  ‘Well, that’s my theory anyway.  How in the
name of fuck it helps us, I don’t know, but it’s alwaysh good to have a
theory.’

And, having
exhausted the crap I was talking, I passed out cold on the fire rug.

Chapter
Twenty-Five

I woke the next
morning freezing cold and dribbling into my hair.  Bogey was paddy-pawing at my
back and my head was pounding.  Lifting it tentatively, I squinted through
slitty eyes to see both Lubov and Diana curled next to one another on the sofa
snoring gently.  So it wasn’t just
me
that did that then?  Cold comfort
though, now I had no man to worry about hearing it.

The thought hit
me hard and my hangover trebled in intensity.  Nausea washed over me and I ran
to the bathroom and parted with what seemed like pure liquid poison.  Why on
earth had we put that much alcohol away?  Dry retching, I heard a voice behind
me, ‘Shit!  I must puke too.  Morning Percy.  I do ze vomit in sink, I am much
desperate.’  Lubov joined in the hurling symphony which set me off on a new round
of my own.

Eventually we
both stopped and, with me on my knees and Lubov leaning against the back of the
bath, we made an attempt at bringing one another into focus.

‘Vot stupid
girls.  Ve must eat pain-stoppers immediately and go for big trucker’s greasy
breakfast.’  Lubov crawled onto all fours, stood up shakily and started to take
her clothes off.  ‘I take shower.  I stink like skunk.’

I managed to get
myself upright and leave her to her privacy.  Diana was groaning on the sofa
and beginning to surface.

‘We all feel as
bad as one another,’ I told her.  ‘It’s showers, coffee, paracetamol and out
for a cholesterol-stuffed breakfast.’

Diana was only
able to manage a grunt and I went through to put the kettle on and feed Bogey.

The smell of tuna
and pilchard cat food turned my stomach and almost had me over the kitchen sink
for an encore, but my body was telling me there was nothing left to exit so I
gulped thirstily at a tumbler of water and splashed my face at the tap.

Diana was now leaning
against the door frame, looking every bit as bad as I felt. 
Another
comfort - beauties
could
look like crap in the mornings.  Her face was
grey, her eyes tiny little holes in their sockets and her hair was lank and shapeless.

‘I’m just going
to nip next door, have a shower and change,’ she told me.  ‘I’ll be back in
fifteen.  That food idea sounds the best.’  She did a pathetic little wave and
walked as if on egg shells to the front door - any hint of her usual catwalk
wiggle well and truly absent.

The effort of
standing suddenly became too much for me.  I perched on a stool and flopped
onto the breakfast bar, hitting my head as I did so.  Could I really
contemplate getting dressed and going to ‘The Egg and Soldiers’?

I was given no
choice.  Lubov came into the kitchen with a towel around her and one on her
head.  ‘Please may you be giving me some clothes to vear?  Zen get your body in
ze shower.  Your stench is making me feel sick all over again.’

*****

We began to feel
slightly more human after eggs, bacon, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried bread,
sausages, toast and three coffees each.  Diana could certainly put it away for
one so tiny - she was a game girl and the more time I spent with her the more I
liked her.

I studied my
breakfast companions munching in silence and realised what an odd collection we
must have looked to outsiders - three hungover women in various shapes, sizes
and styles united by a night of alcohol abuse and grief.

Lubov was the
first to finish and sat back emitting the tiniest burp into her paper napkin. 
‘Zat is goot now.  Lubov is feeling better.  Next ve shall drink wodka!’

Diana and I both
looked at her in horror.

‘You can’t be
serious?’ I asked.  ‘How can you even
consider
booze now?’

‘Ven Lubov is sad
she have hair of dog.  I drink to forget.  Wodka will make us lose our
troubles.’

Thankfully I was
saved from this torturous form of treatment for the lovelorn as my mobile began
to ring.  My stupid heart skipped a beat as I scrambled to get my phone from my
bag.  I checked the caller display and both Lubov and Diana looked at me
hopefully.

I shook my head. 
‘Nope.  Just my best friend, Mia.  Don’t get your hopes up, girls.’

As I chatted to
Mia, I saw that my partners in crime had both taken their own phones from their
bags and were hunting for missed calls or texts.  By the looks on their faces,
we were all still in the same storm-tossed boat.

After finishing
my call, I told the girls that I needed to get to Mia’s to babysit for a couple
of hours.  ‘I’m afraid you’ll be doing the vodka cure without me.  The last
thing I feel like doing is looking after two hyper kids but it might do me some
good.  You know, take my mind off things.’

Lubov looked at
me with a frown.  ‘Wodka is quicker, trust me.  But zis is your loss.  And,
children, wodka … eizzer vay you get a headache.  Dopey Diana, are you coming
viz me to bar?’

Diana looked a
little perplexed and then nodded.  ‘Sure Lubov.  Lead me to the booze.’

*****

Mia had forgotten
she had a dental appointment and, as it was the start of the Christmas holidays
for the kids, she had no one to look after them.

As I walked
through her front door she took one look at me and said, ‘You look terrible,
Hun!  What’s up?’

‘Auntie Percy! 
Auntie Percy!  Can we make cupcakes with sprinkles and sparkles?  Can we?  Can
we?’  Isla was pulling at my jeans and looking up at me with her adorable brown
eyes.

‘Yes, Isla
Sweetie, we can.  Just give me two minutes with Mummy and then I’ll be
through.’

‘OK.  But I know
what a
real
two minutes is now - not grown up ones!  I set the ticky
tock on the oven and it will go ‘
beep beep
’ when your time is up.  OK?’

Isla ran to the
kitchen and Mia looked at me.  ‘She means it, Perce.  Talk quick!  We can have
a proper catch up later.’

I took a deep
breath and said in one fluid stream, ‘Luke dumped me, said I’m trying to be
something I’m not.  Lubov is a woman and in love with my father … and I have a
hangover the size of Russia.  Finished!’

Before Mia had a
chance to reply Isla reappeared and said, ‘Oh that’s good, Auntie Percy.  I
heard you say ‘finished’ so you don’t need the whole two minutes.  Let’s bake!’

Mia looked at me
apologetically and grabbed her coat and keys.  Kissing me on the cheek she
whispered, ‘I’m so sorry, Perce.  We’ll dissect it all later.  Promise.’

Left alone with
the kids I had little choice but to concentrate on them and cater to their
every whim.  How parents ever managed a hangover, a conversation or a moment of
glumness with children around was beyond my comprehension.

And yet, even
through the mixing, the cleaning and the endless rounds of questions I still
kept on with my own little internal argument.

Did I owe Luke an
apology?  Was
that
was he was waiting for?  And if I
did
, would
we go back to how we were?

I was just beginning
to get to the point where things were almost clear in my mind when Isla piped
up, ‘Auntie Percy?  Mummy says I’m too little to know where babies come from. 
I’m
not
, am I?  Will you tell me?’

*****

As it turned out,
Mia and I didn’t get to have a proper catch-up as Tittie called me and asked me
to meet him at the club.  I just about managed to pass on to Mia that Isla had
been informed that babies were made out of love and that she and Jo Jo were
currently upstairs trying to make one of their own as they loved one another
very much.  ‘But only
today
,’
Isla had told me.  ‘Not on days
when he poos in my hat or steals my Barbie.’

Mia shrugged her
shoulders and joked, ‘Yep, sounds a bit like me and James really without the
hat pooing.  Thanks Perce and we’ll get that chat soon, won’t we?  I need to
know all the details.  Luke’s way too good to let slip away.’

As I pounded the
streets to the club, my hangover almost a thing of the past, Mia’s words were
ringing in my ears.

He
was
too
good to let slip away.  But was he worth backing down for and did I have the
guts to do it?

*****

I found Tittie at
my desk in the back office looking tired and strained.  He stood up when I
entered the room and came over to kiss me on the cheek.  ‘Hey, Sugartits!  You’ve
done a great job of keeping this place going.  We’re really grateful to you.’ 
He took a shocking pink envelope from his back pocket and handed it to me. 
‘Annie asked me to give you this.’

I opened it up to
reveal a card with a vertiginously high heel on the front.  Inside it said,
‘Love ya! xx’ - with a Harrods voucher for two hundred and fifty pounds.

‘Tittie! I can’t
take
this
!’  I perched on the desk next to him.  ‘I’ve only being doing
my job.’

‘No, love. 
You’ve been doing a lot
more
than that and we couldn’t have got through
this without you.  Take it.  You deserve it - and a whole heap more but … well,
you
know the state of our bank account better than anyone else!’

I was so touched
and I felt the familiar prickle at the back of my eyes.  But I sensed this was
not the time for any dramatics or outpourings from me.  Tittie looked like a
man who needed to talk.  So I made us both a coffee and sat with him at the
desk.

‘How’s Annie
doing?’  I asked quietly.

Tittie warmed his
hands on his mug, staring into the steaming liquid.  ‘He’s sick, Percy.  He’s
found a lump and he won’t go to the doc, stubborn old bastard!’

They were not the
words I’d been expecting to hear -
depression, anxiety, doldrums
- any
of those would have been easier to digest - but
a lump
?  I put my hand
over my mouth in shock.

‘Oh Tittie!  I’m
so sorry.’  I stopped and thought for a while.  We were both assuming the worst
and we shouldn’t have been doing that until we knew more.  ‘It’s probably
nothing, Tittie.  Where is it?  You don’t mind me asking do you?’

He shook his
head, ‘No, no, course I don’t.  It’s in one of his balls.  And I
know
it
could be nothing but we can’t be certain until he gets to a quack, can we? 
I’ve tried everything, Perce - begging, pleading, screaming, bribing and a good
dose of the old silent treatment and he just sits there ignoring it all,
knocking back the drink and watching re-runs of ‘Come Dine With Me’.  He said
‘Jeremy Kyle’ was making him depressed.’

‘Doesn’t he see
that the way he’s dealing with it isn’t making any sense?  He could have his
mind put to rest within minutes and what he’s doing to you is incredibly selfish.’

Tittie stood and
poured himself a brandy, offering one to me which I declined.  I didn’t know
how Lubov and Diana were doing with the ‘
wodka
’ but I knew that
my
stomach was in no fit state for more booze.

‘He
is
being selfish, Perce, I know.  But I think, deep down, he’s just terrified.  He
doesn’t
want
to find out the truth and yet not knowing is killing us
both.’

‘We
have
to
make him see sense, Tittie.  You can’t go on like this.’

‘I know,
Sweetness, but it’s easier said than done.  And, let’s face it, it’s not just
Annie’s health scare is it?  This place is on its uppers - when the rent goes
up we’re done for.  That
alone
could be the death of him and yet he’s
quite happy to fiddle while Rome burns - he’s lost his logic.  He should be
making sure he’s at his physical peak and in here every day trying to turn this
place around.  But no, he’s stuck at home kidding himself that nothing’s
wrong.’