Stranger and Stranger (2 page)

The CATS’ plan for the treadmill.

Later

Have had a brainwave!!!!! Am going to donate all of my belongings to science and begin anew after the move. YESSSSSSS! ANEW!!!!!!!!!!! This solves the entire packing problem!!!!! Will call Science tomorrow and have them back a truck up to the house. Am feeling very brilliant.

Sun is rising; time for bed.

May 29

Am not sure what I was thinking yesterday. Am donating NOTHING. It is ALL precious, and it ALL comes!

Later

Only three days left before we leave, and I still haven’t come up with an idea for a Master Prank. It’s always been a matter of personal pride for me to pull off at least one jaw-dropping prank of great magnitude in every town I live in, one that the townspeople will talk about for years. Am sorry to say that Blandindulle pranking has been more about quantity than quality.

Sigh. Am heading out to look for inspiration. Will report back later.

3 minutes later

Was intercepted by Mom at the front door and have returned to my room to continue packing. Will need to use bedroom window to escape house next time.

Must…continue…packing…

Later

Am back from brief (Very Brief) trip outdoors. Was intercepted by Mom under my bedroom window. She has given me a thorough shaming. It was very cute!! She has not put the effort into a real down-home shaming in a long time. Am determined to make it worth her while and pack at least one box before the night is over.

Later

Finished packing one box, then was filled with glorious sense of accomplishment, then rode that sense of accomplishment right out the basement window and into the beautiful night. Have spent a few hours tooling around town with the cats. Am now hiding out behind the hardware store watching Miles and NeeChee cooperatively stalk rodents. It is hilariously vicious, yet nonproductive, since I always intervene before things turn deadly. Best moments are when Sabbath unwittingly blows their cover, and then they cooperatively give him a beatdown. AHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAH!

Am going to miss this place. Have spent months learning where the good Dumpsters and rodent lairs are. And getting to know the neighbors’ shortcomings and vulnerabilities, so I can prank them more effectively. And handcrafting wondrous pathways through all their backyards.

Oh man, I am REEEEEEALLY going to miss my wondrous handcrafted pathways!!!!! Have documented the highlights for future inspiration:

1. Specially camouflaged ladder made of tree boughs that leads over my back fence into the Gehweilers’ yard.
   
2. Tunnel leading from the Gehweilers’ yard, going completely under the Tolentinos’ yard (and their DOG), and exiting in the Hernandezes’ yard.
   
3. Seemingly random pile of oak barrels forming a lovely staircase that leads out of the Hernandezes’ yard and into the Rogerses’ yard.
   
4. Rope ladder behind the Rogerses’ garage that leads to the Brookses’ yard.
   
5. Series of small footholds cut into the Brookses’ fence enabling E-Z access into the Pedersens’ yard.
   
6. Strategic placement of dense shrubbery throughout the Pedersens’ yard that provides perfect cover for anyone wishing to slip unnoticed into the Fontaines’ yard.
   
7. Fake rock hidden under the Fontaines’ deck that contains a key to their basement door.
   
8. Pathway through the piles of antiques in the Fontaines’ basement leading to the front of the house, where only a sheet of plywood blocks the way outside.
   
9. Baseball hidden in long grass in the Fontaines’ front yard, providing a handy excuse for anyone who might be caught exploring there.
   
10. Elaborate mechanism, installed inside hollow tree in the Turners’ front yard and easily activated by dropping in a baseball, that opens the Turners’ back gate.
    
11. Series of trellises and drainpipes that provide a quick way
    up over the Turners’ back fence and onto the Batines’ roof.
    
12. Covert catapult (disguised as elaborate satellite dish) useful for launching oneself from the Batines’ roof onto the Bacas’ roof.
    
13. Zipline leading from the Bacas’ roof back into my own yard.
    

Later

AMAZING. Was just walking past Drew and Sherry’s house and saw them come out, so I hid, then followed on my skateboard when they drove away. Would you believe it only took them five minutes to fill their car with smoke, AGAIN? And then the spooky faces popped out at them, AGAIN; and I heard them both scream, AGAIN; then they ran the car up on the sidewalk and banged into a stop sign.

Called the police and bailed.

Have laughed so hard, I pretty much did the equivalent of a million sit-ups.

Dude. Drew and Sherry are not bright.

May 30

Have not packed a single thing today. Managed for a while to give Mom the illusion that I was packing by zooming all over
the house, collecting my treasured belongings from various hidey-holes under floorboards, behind false panels, and inside the walls. Then had to endure a mild Mom freakout when she discovered that my tally of packed boxes had not risen at all and that, ACTUALLY, I was busy drawing up blueprints of the brilliant trapdoors and booby traps I’d built in the house over the last several months.

She was not happy.

M
OM
: I see what you’re doing, E. You’re trying to bamboozle me into believing you’re finally packing your stuff, when actually you’re just…drawing it.

M
E
: Well…it may not be packing per se, but it’s RELATED to packing.

M: E….….….….….….….….…. [deep breathing]

Managed to get her calmed down and out of my hair for the night so that I could finish up the blueprints. Am not too worried. She has freaked out like this before when we moved. I think it may be just one of those phases parents go through.

Later

Ohhhhh YESSSSSSS! Have come up with the ultimate Master Prank idea! Am going to finish my duplication device, then make a perfect duplicate of every person in Blandindulle!!! And possibly some of their pets!!!!!!! Then sit back and watch the mayhem!!!!!!!!!!!

BWWAAHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAH!

Later

Step one of Master Prank idea is giving me some problems. Duplication device is going to be exceedingly complex to build, and I have already packed away my radiac abrasive lightning rod, capacitance-array silly straws, and multi-tined solder engine. Have built a prototype out of Popsicle sticks, but it fails to duplicate anything more solid than balled-up spiderwebs.

I guess I should feel encouraged that I managed to duplicate balled-up spiderwebs, but A) the duplicates seem more flimsy and colorless than they should be, and B) believe me, I already have more than enough spiderwebs in my life. Hate to admit defeat, but I may have to revisit this project after the move.

Later

Have been feeling very down about the move, the problematic duplicator, and the lack of magnificent Master Prank. Have spent the past few hours lying in my basement sensory deprivation chamber with Mystery sitting on my chest. I told her all my woes, and she purred at me until I felt better. Am reminding myself that new towns are fun, that I was at least able to duplicate balled-up spiderwebs, and that I inflicted many, many impressive pranks on the people of Blandindulle, so I may as well quit sulking and get on with my packing.

May 31

Am still kinda disappointed at having no amazing Master Prank for Blandindulle, but am reminding myself that, really, any common prankster worth her salt would drool over MY list of accomplishments. Hm, probably should not go into detail just in
case this diary falls into the wrong hands. Oh glutkegs, I guess this diary’s pretty much GOT to include the incriminating stuff or I’ll have nothing to write about.

Later

Was interrupted by Mom just now. She threatened to withhold food until I am done packing. Just one of our little mother-daughter jokes. She knows I can easily synthesize all the foodstuffs I might need right here in my bedroom lab. Still, I can see she means business, so I assured her I would DEFINITELY get some quality packing accomplished tonight. Since it IS our last night here and all.

But first, back to the incriminating stuff, with a list of my top Blandindulle pranks. No particular order.