Stranger and Stranger (4 page)

NL: Oh my! Isn’t that cute? What…Oh…AIEEEEEEEE!

M: EMILY! GET YOUR ROBOT WEASEL BACK IN THE HOUSE RIGHT AWAY! Sorry about that, ma’am, very sorry, just an old science experiment of my daughter’s, absolutely nothing to worry about, of course I’ll be
happy to pay any doctor’s bills, and why don’t we just step across the street for a few moments…?

Welcome to the neighborhood!

Later

New task of unpacking all these boxes awaits me. It’s OK, I like the unpacking half of the equation more than the packing. Will always find a couple of boxes that haven’t been opened in years. No end to the treasures.

Later

Top 13 things I’ve unpacked that I kind of forgot I had:

1. Four cat leashes—AHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHA!…As if.
   
2. Spider cemetery full of precious dried-up 8-legged little carcasses that I made for a school project when I was, like, 6.
   
3. All-purpose emergency kit consisting of paper clip, detonator, can of spray paint, black licorice ration, cat treat ration, tube sock, and stick of gum.
   
4. Unfinished manuscript titled
   Cats of the World
   , in which I describe all the cats in the world. No, not every BREED of
   cat. Every INDIVIDUAL cat.
   
5. The perpetual-motion machine, dark-energy generator, and cold-fusion cell that the military-industrial complex is paying me to forget I invented.
   
6. Photo of me with the antigravity machine I made for a school science fair. I’m wearing a red ribbon that says “Most Unusual Project.” Chaaaaa!
   
7. Hilarious statuettes of past teachers of mine, made from spitballs and gum.
   
8. Unmailed fan letters to Dr. Frankenstein, Madeline Usher, Dorian Gray, Audrina Adare, Emily St. Aubert, and Volkert the Necromancer.
   
9. Customized chess set featuring hand-carved miniatures of the last 18 Junior National Slingshot Champions. The ones before me, that is.
   
10. Full 66-volume set of the
    Encyclopedia Transylvania
    .
    
11. Souvenir hunk of shrapnel from ill-fated (but well-meaning) 4th of July celebration that involved a septic tank and some heavy explosives.
    
12. Shriveled monkey’s paw, oozing raw evil, that I am much too smart to use.
    
13. Antique birdcage large enough for an ostrich or an adult-sized golem.
    

Later

Just woke up from long nap. Had crashed out on floorboards, totally exhausted. Will get back into my normal nocturnal schedule as soon as my room is knocked into shape.

About five minutes later

Am not knocking room into shape tonight. Am pooped. Have not been having my usual excellent nightmares. Happens every time we move. Mystery is pawing at me to say that it is snuggle time. Must get some sleep.

June 2

Spent a couple of hours working on Raven’s programming so she can be more useful to me in the Unpacking Effort. Not easy, but well worthwhile, because my room is now completely light-proofed, furnished, and decorated, and in just one night!!! In thee bad olde dayes, it would have taken roughly 123 separate commands to get Raven to unpack a box and put away the contents. But tonight all I had to say was, “Raven, let’s knock this room into shape!”

And we did.

Best touch so far is the huge antique birdcage, which I set up in one corner of the room. Then suggested to Raven that she
would look really cool inside it. She got right in and sat on the perch. True, you have to know she has the brain of a raven to
really get the joke, but still, the overall effect is EXCELLENT!!!!! Am very pleased.

Later

I may need to rethink keeping Raven in the birdcage. It’s kind of highlighting her presence, and I prefer that she stay a little more under the radar. Back in Blandindulle, she’d mostly hang around the room, assisting with experiments or just sort of blending into the background. But here, in the cage, she’s pretty much the first thing you notice. Um, by “you,” I mean Mom, since she is the only human besides me who enters my room. She was up here just a few minutes ago to check out the décor but got completely distracted by Raven.

M
OM
: [To Raven.] Do you WANT to sit on that perch?

R
AVEN
: Uhhhhhh…yeah?

M
E
: It’s performance art, Patti.

M: [Not really buying that.] E, tell me again about this person?

M
E
: Remember, I showed you her circuits? She’s a raven. Robot. Android. Golem.…. It’s fine.

M: I’d like to be supportive, but she gives me the creeps.

Then I was all proud and gave Raven a seedcake treat for being creepy. Have also gotten her out of the cage, just to please Mom.

Later

Consulted with Great-Aunt Millie on her attic. She has requested an all-white theme. Entire room will need several coats of paint. SIGH. If there’s one thing I really don’t get along with, it’s white paint. Will be picking it out of my hair, fingernails, and clothing for a week. Should get Raven on this task. Should really get duplication device working and make some copies of Raven for faster attic-painting.

Later

Have been avoiding going to the store for white paint. Instead, spent a very fun hour frisking about the house with the cats. They have recovered from the indignity of the move and are thrilled with all the new smells, hidey-holes, unpacked treasures, and empty boxes. Personal territory has been sorted out, and Mystery is of course Mistress of the Bedroom. NeeChee is Ruler of the Netherworlds (AKA the basement). Miles has proclaimed himself Imperial Groundskeeper, and Sabbath…well, Sabbath doesn’t really have the personal authority to claim territory, but since no one else wanted the guest bathroom, it’s pretty much his.

With the feline border disputes settled, we have collectively taken over the living room for the night. I cobbled together a cardboard Cat Maze—with strategic holes—and put Sabbath inside with some catnip. Then the other cats and I tormented him with paws, whiskers, and bits of string held just out of his reach
until I hurt an internal organ from all the laughing.

Afterward, Sabbath got special snuggles to reward him for taking a hit for the team and being our laughingstock for the night. SOMEONE’S got to do it, and Miles, NeeChee, and Mystery have done their tours of duty over the years, so now it’s Junior Cat’s turn.

Anyway, I know he doesn’t mind. He is not a cat of great dignity.

Later

Gobfarks! Cannot WAIT to get going on my Silifordville Master Prank. I definitely need to start now so I am not trying to throw one together during the last few days before we inevitably move again.

Unless a more brilliant plan presents itself, am sticking with my idea of duplicating everyone in town, then enjoying the chaos. Oh man. Had better start exercising abs now, so they can handle the gut-busting laughter.

Will just rest my eyes for a few minutes first. Am pooped from all the programming, unpacking, laughing, and interior decorating.

Later