Strong Enough (13 page)

“Look you don’t get it, I wasn’t hurting
her, was I Reece?” He says spinning around to look at me.

I don’t respond to his question and he turns
back around.

“It is just a misunderstanding we are good.”
He nods back toward me.

“Reece, do you need a ride home?” Zane asks
without taking is eyes off of Sterling.

“Please, I’m ready to leave now please,” I
said with a bit of sadness. The whole situation is bringing back
very difficult memories and I can’t get them to stop.

“Of course, let’s go,” he says still staring
Sterling in the face.

I step around Sterling,
shit I really did need to pee,
and stand next to
Zane. He gently grabs my hand as he backs away from Sterling.
Looking down at our joined hands Sterling doesn’t say anything; he
looks at me with a plea for which I remain silent.

Zane turns and begins to walk toward the
front door pulling me behind him in a gentle way. Once we are
outside, the realization hits, I was still holding Zane’ hand. Like
before, touching him gives me comfort and my body is naturally
reacting to it and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want
to stop holding his hand. I can sense he knows this as he brushes
his thumb over the top of my knuckles for reassurance.

I am still dazed by what just happened as
Zane leads me through the rows of cars. Not paying attention to any
detail I barely notice him opening the door and ushering me in his
car. Trying to understand what just happened, I would have never
guessed Sterling to act like that. I am not even sure what he
wanted to talk about.

Zane gets in and starts the car. Watching me
buckle my seatbelt he isn’t pushing for conversation. I once again
am staring blankly out the window watching as the world outside
passes by. Memories from my past seem to be doing the same thing
and in no time, I feel the wetness on my cheeks. Trying to avoid
Zane seeing me cry I try to hide my efforts to wipe my eyes.
Resting my hand back in my lap he reaches over and gently picks it
up and holds it. Comfort I have not felt in a long time. Comfort I
have not wanted in a long time. His skin is smooth and just the
right temperature. I avoid looking at him but am comforted by his
touch. It doesn’t take long until he pulls into my apartment
complex parking lot and in front of my apartment.

We sit silently, neither of us moving to get
out of the car. I am having a difficult time focusing on the
present as my past is coming back to haunt me. My heart rate is
rising and my breathing is labored, I can feel the sweat on my
palms and I run them down the front of my shorts a few times to try
and dry them. I feel very enclosed in the car and it feels like the
space is closing in on me. I can’t take it anymore and reach for
the handle and push the door open swinging my legs out and leaning
over them trying desperately to catch my breath.

Slow circles are being rubbed into my back
and I take a moment to look up and see Zane squatting next to me
outside of the car. “Breathe slowly, take a nice deep breath and
let it out again slowly…” He instructs while continuing to rub
circles. I follow his instructions, deep breath in, and nice and
slow out as my head hangs between my knees. After a few minutes I
can feel my heart rate return to normal and my breathing has calmed
down. Lifting my head I turn and rest it on my knee and look at
Zane. He has concern all over his face as his hand is still rubbing
my back. He isn’t saying anything but I can see he wants to. “I’m
okay,” is all I say with a nod. I begin to stand, grab my purse off
the car floor and begin to walk toward my apartment. He hasn’t said
anything but I hear him shut the car door and his footsteps behind
me.

In front of my door I turn to face him. “Do
you want to come in for a little bit?” I ask knowing it’s because I
don’t want to be alone. He nods his head once and follows me
in.

The apartment is dark and I like that. I
don’t want to shine any light on my life right now. I don’t want to
show him anymore of how I am feeling. The darkness is soothing.
There is a faint light that is shining in from outside that lights
up the living room just enough not to bump into things.

Walking toward the kitchen I lay my purse on
the kitchen bar and find myself leaning with my back and head
against the wall. Eyes closed overwhelming amount of pain consumes
me again and I begin to slide down the wall, I just want to
sit.

Before I can hit the ground his arm is
around my neck and the other under my knees and he’s holding me as
he walks to the couch. My head resting against his shoulder with a
deep heaviness and he seems to know this.

Gently bending down he sits me upright on
the couch which I immediately curl up into a ball. Whatever
connection Zane and I have, he knows I don’t want him to leave and
he takes the spot next to me on the couch with his arm slung around
the back leaning into it.

“I have a dark side,” I say without looking
at him.

“We all do Reece.”

Staring out the window I am thinking of what
to say next.

“Have you ever had a side of you that you
didn’t know anymore, or that no one knew about you? A past you
don’t want anyone to know about? I do. I have a past that I don’t
even know how to think about anymore. A painful past. I have spent
the last six years not only trying to forget the past but somehow
along the way have lost myself.”

I turn my head on the couch pillow and look
at him. His dark eyes are looking back at me. I can see so much
emotion in his eyes.

“Zane, I don’t know who I am.” Hearing my
admission out loud allowed the single tear to roll from my eye.
Seeing it, he reaches over and gently wipes the tear from my face
and I take the opportunity to roll my face into his hand for which
he gently rubs the back of his hand down my cheek.

I have not let anyone comfort me in so long,
but with him, it feels right, it feels genuine.

“Why do you think you don’t know who you
are?” He whispered as he lowered his hand.

I struggle to respond. I know the answer,
but I don’t know how to say it or if I want to be vulnerable enough
to tell him. I know why the walls are up. I know why I don’t trust
people, I know why I don’t have friends. I know it all. I just
don’t know how or if I want to change it. I don’t know what the
purpose or reason would be to change it. I will just get hurt in
the end anyway, so I need to protect myself now.

I move and position myself so I am sitting
with my knees bent and pulled into my chest facing him.

“It’s not a matter of I don’t THINK I know
who I am, it’s that I put all my effort in making myself a certain
way, feeling a certain way or not feeling that I have lost
myself.”

Shifting on the couch he is making himself
more comfortable but sits silently to let me continue.

“I know I don’t know you well, hell at all
really, but I have kept so much of myself from everyone that I
don’t know how to be who I really am. Part of me was taken years
ago. Shit, pieces of me have been taken away since I was 12. Do you
have any idea what it’s like to wake up every day and miss
yourself? I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You begin to forget who you
are over time and it doesn’t take long for the person you
want
people to see takes over.

I hear what people say about me. I know they
think I’m a hard ass bitch that doesn’t let anything or anyone get
to me. But I laugh at the fact that that couldn’t be furthest from
the truth,” I say sniffling through my words. At this point the
tears just aren’t stopping.

Zane reaches out and rests his hand on my
knee and gives it a little squeeze.

“Reece, you need to talk about what it is
that you feel has taken away who you are. It doesn’t matter what
other people think, it only matters what you think and feel.”

Stunned by his comment I quickly respond, “I
don’t give a fuck what people think about me, don’t you get that?
That’s why it’s been so easy to let people see what I want them to
see. But to be honest, I’m so tired of trying. I am so tired of not
being happy, not being wanted, not being needed and not knowing how
to let myself be loved. I have spent so much time and effort
pushing people away, making them go away, making them leave me
because I know in the end, they will leave anyway.” I am no longer
able to control it and the crying becomes ugly.

My body is shaking as I breathe in with each
sob, my head tucked down to my knees so Zane can’t see my face.

He reaches over and gently pulls my legs out
and scoots himself under pulling me into his lap and gently runs
his hand down my hair and back. At that moment I don’t care if I
don’t know him, no one has ever comforted me like this and I need
him. At least that’s what I am trying to convince myself of. I
start to lay my head on his shoulder. Then it is all over, I
remember this isn’t me.

I quickly scurry off his lap to stand wiping
the tears quickly off my face and composing myself as I stand off
toward the window looking out.
Get ahold of
yourself Reece, what the fuck are you doing?

“Tell me about the “you” that you lost.” His
voice sounds soft behind me. He wants to know more and I can’t
bring myself to tell him. Not now, not yet, maybe not ever.

I turn around and give him a soft smile.
It’s time to change the direction this is going. “I got a better
idea actually, up for a little drive?”

He can see what I am doing and I see he
knows it’s what needs to happen. “Sure, where we going?”

“Ah, that’s for me the driver to know and
you the passenger to see when we get there.” As I give a genuine
smile.

“One thing you will learn, I like to be in
charge…” He says while dangling his keys from his finger and
smirking as he let out a little laugh which helped in lightening
the mood.

Walking past him I quickly reach up and grab
his keys before he can pull his hand away, grab my purse off the
bar and continue out the front door. “Well Mr. Bauer, you might
have just met your match.”

Peering over my shoulder I see him shaking
his head as he quickly picks up after me reaching to make sure the
bottom lock is set and shutting the door.

Catching me in the parking lot he quickly
realizes that his like of being in control was just outweighed by
my need to drive.

Hitting the alarm and unlocking the doors to
my car I holler back with a giggle, “Get in and buckle up, I don’t
drive I fly.”

I actually see him hesitate for a minute
think about whether he wants to get in, but he makes the conscious
decision to join me.

Sliding in I breathe in the smell of the
leather,
Miss you dad
, and wait for
Zane to buckle up. He wants to know who I really am. I’m just going
to have to give him a taste.

Pulling out of my apartment complex, tires spin out
onto the main street as I turn the music up. My dad taught me how
to drive, but it was Danny that taught me really “how to drive”. I
have spent countless hours on the local speed track learning how to
maneuver the turns at high rates of speed, how to weave in and out
of cars without causing knee jerk reactions.

Entering the highway I accelerate to 85 mph
and merge quickly to move over to the left hand lane of the
highway. Traffic is rather light which makes cruising easier.
Glancing over to Zane his stoic face tells me nothing. I am dying
to get a response out of him so I accelerate to 95 mph.
Nothing…

“You aren’t going to scare me Reece,” he
says still looking forward.
Well what the
hell?

“Aren’t you afraid I will crash and kill
us?”

“The only thing to fear is fear itself, and
I think I believe in you more to know you will slow down before
that becomes a reality.”

“You sure do put a lot of faith in someone
you don’t know.”

His slight shrug of the shoulders makes me
more uneasy than assured.

J
ust like he predicted, I
bring my speed back under control, exiting and turning into the
parking lot of Danny’s bar. Getting out of my car, I glance to the
parking lot to my left but I become paralyzed with flashbacks. I
haven’t returned to Danny’s place since that night. At this moment
I wish I had not come here. My feet are frozen and my hand is
resting on the top of my car door. I can hear them, I can see the
truck. My heart is in my throat and I can’t swallow it down. The
car door moves behind me for which I give little attention. I am
still planted firmly in my spot and not taking my eyes off the
parking lot as I feel the tears welling in my eyes when Zane steps
in front of my line of sight. Looking firmly in my eyes he has
placed both hands on top of my shoulders and I feel him turning me
toward the door with my resistance. “Reece, walk in, don’t stand
here,” he states with a firm tone and grip on me. I can tell he is
not letting me choose what to do and for that I am grateful.
Looking up at him, my eyes filled with tears, I simply nod and
allow him to turn me toward the door.