Strong (Kindred #1) (22 page)

She wants to dance, so we dance.

Lex finds us on the dance floor sometime later and lets us know she’s leaving. Alone, I’m glad to hear. She hugs Carmen and promises to come see her in the week, I tell her to text me when she gets back and she agrees, kissing me on the cheek.

The night passes much the same way, Carmen drinks and I don’t. When she stumbles in her heels and lands in the lap of a guy who’s been eyeing her up all night, I decide it’s time to call it quits. I lead her out of the club and into a taxi where she seems to have forgotten who she’s with and presses herself up against me, before I have a chance to think, her tongue is in my mouth and my lips are responding purely on instinct.

“Carmen, stop.” I push her back and she glares at me.

“Why?” she huffs, pulling her dress down.

“Because you’ve had a lot to drink, this isn’t right and I’m not going to be that guy.”

“Fine.” she turns to look out the window and a few seconds later her shoulders are shaking and she’s sniffing.

“Carmen, don’t. Please.”

“I get it Carter, okay?” she sobs, not looking at me.

“What do you get?”

“That you don’t want to be with someone who…”

“Who?”

“Who’s about to lose everything that makes her a woman. Hell, I don’t even want to be with me, so why should you?”

“That’s not it at all.”

We arrive at the flat and Carmen leaps out. I pay the driver and head up the stairs after her, she’s standing, arms wrapped around herself at the top waiting for me. I let us both inside and she walks ahead and down the corridor to her room.

“Carmen, wait. Please.”

“It’s okay Carter I get it.”

“No, you don’t. You’ve got it all wrong.”

“Have I? You mean, the thought of me having this God awful disease ravaging my body doesn’t disgust you? Are you telling me it doesn’t gross you out, the thought of having sex with me knowing what’s happening inside of me right now? Because it turns my stomach Carter, it’s disgusting and it’s living inside of me and I can’t do a thing about it! So I understand why you don’t want to be with me, really I do.”

“Stop it.” I walk towards her and pull her into my arms, needing her to stop saying these things.

“I hate it. I’m disgusting.” she sobs into my chest.

“You’re so far from disgusting. It’s not why I said no. We can’t, there is so much going on right now, I don’t want anything we do to be a regret in the morning, okay?”

“I just want to forget, I want to remember what it’s like to feel wanted, Carter.”

“You are wanted, we don’t have to have sex for you to know that. I’m here for you, no one else. You. I’m leaving my family, I’m leaving my home to be with you, if you don’t realise by now you’re wanted, I don’t know what else I can do to show you.”

“I don’t need to be wanted like that, Carter. I need to be
wanted
, desired, I need to know I still turn men on and that I’m still a woman.”

I reach down and pull her face up so she’s looking at me, I push every inch of my body to hers and make her look at me, make her realise what she does to me.

“Can you feel that?” I ask her.

“Of course I can.” she blushes.

“I want you, I’ve wanted you from the first moment I saw you. But this isn’t about that, it’s more than that and you know it as well as I do.”

“I’m so scared after Thursday, I won’t feel like this. What if, when they take it out… I lose all feeling? What if I don’t ever feel alive again? What if I don’t ever find anyone attractive? What if I don’t ever get turned on? It sounds so stupid, but it’s so real to me.”

“I don’t know, I can’t answer those questions,” her hands come up and pull my face to hers, her lips are inches from mine when I find the strength to pull back. “But we can’t do this because you’re scared. There are thousands of reasons we should, and that isn’t one of them.”

“Carter, please.” she sobs, as I step back. “Remind me I’m still a woman. Please.”

“No. Not like this, you’ll regret it in the morning, I’m not—”

I don’t get to finish my sentence, she turns and walks into her room and slams the door. I let out the breath I don’t realise I’m holding and close my eyes taking a few deep breaths. I know she’s hurting and I wish I could help her, but not like this. I have so many feelings running through my body right now, I don’t know what to do with them.

I walk towards her door and press my ear to it. From inside I can hear her sobbing, it takes everything in me not to push open the door and go and comfort her. I know one thing will lead to another and the line I refuse to cross will become blurred.

I will not let that happen.

I sink to the floor, my back to the wall and listen to her crying, I can’t make it better, I can’t go in there, but I won’t let her be alone either. I take my phone out of my pocket and text her, letting her know I’m outside if she wants me. I hear the message ping on her phone and then I hear her throw her phone to the floor.

She doesn’t reply.

And she doesn’t open the door.

“N
o. Not like this, you’ll regret it in the morning.”

He’s right.

I do regret it.

“There are thousands of reasons we should, and that isn’t one of them.”

Right again.

“You’re so far from disgusting. It’s not why I said no. We can’t, there is so much going on right now, I don’t want anything we do to be a regret in the morning, okay?”

It would have been a regret, but so is what we didn’t do. I guess, this is the lesser of two evils. I lay in bed listening for any sound in the flat. There is none, so I guess I’m safe to go and get some coffee and pain killers for the pounding in my head.

I remove last night’s clothes and make up, pull my hair back and slip on a pair of pyjamas. I look in the mirror and groan. I look horrendous and it’s all my own doing. Why did I think it was a good idea to drink so much? Is Alexis here? Why don’t I remember? Groaning, I pull open my door and step out, my feet come out from under me and I land on a very warm and shocked looking Carter.

“Sorry.” I mumble, scrambling to my feet.

“Don’t worry, I should have gone to bed. I just didn’t want you to be on your own.” he stretches and his t-shirt lifts, revealing his taut, tanned stomach.

I look away.

I really can’t deal with
that
today.

“I’m sorry about last night, I shouldn’t have acted the way I did.”

I’m so embarrassed, I can’t meet his eyes. I regret everything about last night; drinking, flirting with random guys but most of all, I regret saying the things I did and acting like that with Carter. I need him, more than I think even I realised before now and now, I can’t even look him in the eye.

I’ve ruined everything.

He stands and squats in front of me, his hand comes up and he pulls my face to look at him giving me no chance to escape those brown eyes.

“I don’t care about an apology, Carmen. All I care about, is that you’re okay. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

My breath catches in my throat and I’m crying before I can even stop it. He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me and I feel immediately safe and protected and it’s the most welcome feeling in the world.

“Everything is so messed up right now and the one thing that was okay was me and you and now… Now I’ve gone and messed that up too.” I sob into his chest.

“There is nothing wrong with you and me, last night… It was a strange day, there are a lot of emotions running around and I don’t think either of us wanted the night to end like that.”

“I just…”

“You don’t have to explain anything, it’s okay. As long as we’re okay, I’m okay… Are we okay?”

“Yes. We’re okay.”

“Good, will you look at me?”

He steps back and tugs at my chin. His brown eyes are alive again and I lose myself in them for a few seconds before I realise I’m staring.

“Everything is going to get a little crazy, neither of us know what to expect, so we’re going to have to work it out together. You and me. Got that?” he smiles, that all American smile and I can’t help but smile too.

“Got it.” I nod.

“Now, we’re not going to talk about it again. We’re going to have breakfast and we’re going to get the last few things you need for tomorrow, because whether we want to admit it or not, it’s happening and I want it to be as easy as it possibly can be for you.”

“Thank you, Carter.”

“No need.” he smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

We sit together eating toast and drinking coffee and it’s like nothing ever happened. Being with Carter is so easy, he doesn’t expect anything and he genuinely wants the best for everyone. I load the dishwasher while he heads into the bathroom for a shower. I make my way into my bedroom and pick up my hastily discarded phone from under my bed, I plug it in to charge and head for the shower. After a good ten minutes under the hot spray, I feel a little more human. The mirror is fogged up when I get out and I run my hand over it a few times until I can see my reflection. Carter is right, whether I want to admit it or not, tomorrow is going to happen.

I need to be strong.

I need to fight and I need the love and support of my family and friends in order to do that. I repeat six little words over and over in my head until I start to truly believe them.

I’m going to beat this thing.

I’m going to beat this thing.

I wasn’t expecting food shopping to be so much fun, but everything with Carter seems to be fun. He’s like a child when put in charge of pushing the trolley; he races it down the aisles when they’re empty, he throws junk food into it and has way too much fun looking, in depth, at all the different lubricants the shop has to offer.

“I had no idea you could buy your cherry flavoured lube when you buy your bread.” he grins, putting the tube back on the shelf while I look for toothpaste.

“They sell all sorts.” I laugh.

“And,” he leans closer to me and whispers. “Vibrating cock rings, seriously? I thought the English were supposed to be prudes?” he raises an eyebrow at me and I laugh.

“Myth.”

“You all sound like the Queen?”

“Again, myth.”

“You all drink lots of tea?”

“We do drink lots of tea, that one is true.”

I select a tube of toothpaste and a new toothbrush and push the trolley down to the shower gel. I’m not sure how long I’ll be in, but I’m going prepared. I throw in my favourite foam burst shower gel and continue to the face wash. Once I’ve got my face wipes and wash, we head to the back of the shop for snacks.

“Rice cakes?” he grimaces when I put a bag into the trolley. “Don’t they taste like cardboard?”

“No they don’t, have you never tried them?”

“Noooope, I’d rather not chew on cardboard.”

“Try them, you might be surprised.”

I pick up Ribena, some Digestive biscuits and also some Starbursts and giant Haribo Strawberries. When we’re done, Carter suggests we get some bits for lunch and go over to Mum and Dad’s. We take everything back to the flat and I phone Mum to let her know we’ll be over with lunch. When we pull up outside, Dad is in the front garden, he looks up and smiles before heading over to open my door like he always does.