Strong (Kindred #1) (23 page)

“Hello sweetheart.” he grins, pulling me in for a hug.

“Hey, Dad. Busy I see.”

“Keeping the mind busy, nice to see you, Carter.” he smiles, holding his hand out to him.

“You too, Mr Reid.” they shake hands and Dad shakes his head.

“Will,” Dad tells him. “Come in, Mum’s making quiche.”

“We said we were bringing lunch.” I sigh, getting the bags from the back.

“I know, I did tell her, but she knows how much you love it.”

Mum is busy in the kitchen, the sound of Will Young’s voice filling the room. I head over and wrap my arms around her from behind and she leans back into me, pressing a kiss to her cheek, I step back and unload the shopping.

“How are you today?” she asks, dusting her hands off.

“I’m okay, Mum. Ask me tomorrow and you’ll get a different answer.”

“I know, how are you Carter?”

“I’m good thank you, how are you?”

“Not too bad, better now you’re both here.”

She smiles and goes back to finishing the quiche. Dad, Carter and I sit at the dining table with a coffee and chat, about everything and nothing and not once is my little situation mentioned. Today isn’t about that, it’s about just being together and being normal. Lunch is perfect and I stuff my face when Mum brings out some cupcakes and cookies she’s made.

“Mrs Reid, these cookies…” Carter groans round a mouthful.

“Beth…” she reminds him.

“Beth, they are the most delicious things in the world, and I’ve eaten a lot of cookies to know a good cookie, and this,” he holds up what’s left. “Is the best I’ve ever tasted.”

“I’m glad you like them.” she beams.

Mum loves cooking and looking after people, nothing makes her happier. As it’s nice outside, Dad and Carter put the cushions out on the big comfy chairs in the garden and we spend the afternoon lounging in the sun. Dad asks Carter all about work and Mum and I work out visiting for the next few days. I’ve managed to get them to agree not to come in with me tomorrow, I need to be able to focus and not worry, after the surgery however, I’ve told them I’ll need them more than I think I realise. Mum agrees to wait until Carter phones her before they visit. I can see it upsets her but she accepts it’s what I want and goes with it. When it gets into the evening, I tell Mum I’m going to go home and get everything ready, I want to at least try and have an early night.

“We’re here for you, sweetheart,” she tells me as we say goodbye. “We’re so proud of you and we love you so much.”

“Thank you, Mum. I love you too.”

Dad wraps me in his arms and refuses to let go for a full five minutes, he whispers he loves me and he’s here when I need him. They stand and wave us off and when they’re out of sight I let out the breath I didn’t realise I’ve been holding and sag in my seat.

“You okay?” Carter whispers.

“It’s just hit me what tomorrow is.”

“What do you want to do tonight? Whatever you want to do, we’ll do it.”

“Take away, ice cream, chocolate and a movie, that’s what I want to do.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do.”

“Okay.” I nod.

“You’re doing amazingly, I’m in awe of you.” he tells me.

“I don’t have any other choice… And I’m not sure I would be if I didn’t have you, so thank you, Carter.”

When we get home, Carter phones for Chinese while I get in my pyjamas. We spend the evening finishing off our Harry Potter marathon and eating way too much food. When I climb into bed later that night, the fear for what tomorrow holds is so strong, I struggle to breathe for a while. I text Carter and he appears in my doorway seconds later.

“You okay?”

“No, I’m not.”

“What can I do?” he asks, walking over to sit on my bed with me.

“A hug?”

“That I can do.”

I lay back in bed and he lays down next to me, I don’t hesitate to roll into him and he wraps his arms around me. I feel a little calmer just being in his arms, I try not to think about that right now. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and I must fall asleep because I wake up and it’s light outside and when I roll over, Carter is still sleeping beside me.

Today is the day my life is going to change forever. I don’t know what life is going to be like from this point on, but I feel a little more ready to face it than I did yesterday. I get up and head for a shower, I’m nil by mouth so I can’t have breakfast and the way my stomach is churning, I wouldn’t be able to anyway. When I head back into my bedroom, Carter is awake and laying there looking at the ceiling.

“You okay?”

“You shouldn’t be worrying about me,” he smiles, propping himself up on one elbow. “Are you okay?”

“I’m scared, I feel sick and I feel like I might burst into tears any minute… All perfectly normal feelings I guess.”

“I’d say, yes.”

“It’s happening today, Carter,” I walk over to my bed and sit down. “Thank you for being there for me.”

“I told you, I’ll always be here.”

I just nod and kiss his cheek before standing and walking over to my dresser, I pull out a pair of my comfiest jeans and a clean t-shirt, wanting to be as comfortable as I can be today.

“We need to leave in half an hour.” I remind him.

“I know, I just wanted to make sure you’re… Well, as okay as you can be today.”

“I’m okay.” I reassure him.

“I’ll go get showered and ready then.”

I watch him leave the room and blink away tears.

I’ve got a long way to go and crying now won’t help me get there.

I will beat this thing.

I will beat it.

I
lay there, eyes firmly closed just listening, so completely consumed with pain and fear and I can’t do anything about it. I know Carter is next to me, I can hear him breathing, I can feel his hand wrapped around mine. I know he must be worried, scared why I haven’t woken up yet, but I just can’t bear to open my eyes and make the dark, cold reality of what I’ve just been through real. If I keep my eyes closed, I can pretend I’m just sore, that I haven’t just had my future taken away from me, the future I hoped I would have and never dreamed I wouldn’t.

I can pretend that I didn’t go to sleep a normal woman and am now waking up missing a vital part of myself, the very part that makes us able to create a little life and someday become a mother.
Don’t think about it now, Carmen.

Too late.

The tears fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks and a gut wrenching sob escapes past my lips making me so glad I’m in a private room so that no one will have to see this.

“Hey.” Carter’s soft voice floats over to me and makes everything so much worse.

It is real.

So very, very real.

“Carmen? Open your eyes for me beautiful, it’s okay, I’m here.” he whispers softly to me and I feel his warm hand on my cheek wiping away my tears.

I open my eyes slowly, willing them to adjust to the bright lights. Everything is so clinical; machines beeping, white walls and the sickly smell of death in the air. It doesn’t actually smell of death of course, it’s just my imagination, I’m very much alive and the pain I’m in is proof of that. I turn my head slowly and there he is, sitting so still like he’s afraid to move. A small smile tugs at his lips and he sighs in relief.

“You’re awake, I’ve been going crazy just sitting here.”

“I’m awake.” I croak, my voice hoarse.

“Can I get you anything?”

“Some water would be great.” I try and smile, really I do, but nothing happens when I try to get my mouth to move.

“I’ll be right back,” he stands and leans over me, dipping his head and resting his lips on my forehead. “You’ve done it, beautiful, now you can rest, it’s a long road ahead but I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

He doesn’t give me a chance to reply, just straightens up and walks towards the door and out of sight. I close my eyes again and take a few deep breaths, everything is all too much right now. The light, the nothingness, the weight of the blankets on top of me, why do they feel like they weigh a ton? I stay, laying in bed and repeating the same thing over and over again in my head;
it will be okay, you did it.

Carter appears again a few minutes later with a nurse who is smiling at me. He takes a seat in the chair next to me and reaches for my hand, the moment our fingers connect, warmth floods my body and the smile I was fighting to find pastes itself onto my face. I look at Carter and he looks and me and right in that moment I know I’ve found someone incredibly special, someone who is nothing but good and kind, someone who would give up all his plans to be with a girl he only met a few weeks ago, to be her friend and her strength. I don’t know who sent him to me, but I’ll be forever thankful to them.

“How are you feeling, Carmen?” the nurse asks.

“Sore, sick, tired, scared…”

She looks at me with sadness in her eyes, the kind of sadness only another woman would understand. She busies herself looking at my IV and other machines before she looks at me again, it seems almost like she was trying to compose herself a little before she spoke.

“All perfectly normal sweetheart, Carter said you were thirsty, can I get you some water?”

“Please.” I smile.

“You’ll need to take it easy, little sips to start off with, the anaesthetic can make you sick and we don’t want that. How is the sickness? We can give you something to help that if you’d like?”

“I’m okay for now, just really thirsty and sore.”

“I’ll go fetch you some water and I’ll get the doctor to come in and see you.”

She leaves and there’s that nothingness again, except it’s not as heavy anymore because I have Carter beside me. I turn my head to look at him and see he’s frowning and his eyes look pained and worried.

“I’m okay, you know.” I croak.

“Are you? I’ve been so worried, you’ve been asleep since they brought you back here over an hour ago, they said you’d wake up when you were ready…”

“And I did, didn’t I?”

“I was so scared you wouldn’t… I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”

“Please don’t, Carter,” I turn my head away so I’m not looking at him. “I can’t cope with that right now, I have to… I have to get over this hurdle first, okay?”

“Look at me,” he whispers. “Please look at me.”

I turn my head again, I try to hide everything I feel; the weight pushing down on my chest, the pain, the overpowering need to scream and cry and ask the question no one can answer;
why me?
He leans on the bed and squeezes my hand, he looks at me like he can feel everything I can right now and it scares me.

“I’m so proud of you.” he smiles.

That does it.

The dam breaks and everything comes flowing out, I can’t stop it, it happens so suddenly and with such force I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to force everything away, everything is just too much; the smell, the beeps of the machines, Carter’s words.

Everything.

“I needed to tell you, you needed to hear it.” he leans over me, and rests his head to mine. “I needed to tell you.” he repeats again.

“Hold me, please?” I sob, desperate to feel his arms around me, to be able to soak in his heat and I hope some of his strength too.

I feel so weak right now, everything is so far out of my control. I’m supposed to feel relieved, I’m supposed to feel better, but I don’t. I feel weighed down by fear and anxiety that I don’t hold a single card to my future right now.

“Try and get some sleep.” he whispers to me.

I close my eyes and beg for the darkness to take me, I don’t want to be awake right now because when I’m awake it’s real, and I don’t want it to be real.