Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1) (14 page)

Shawn had seen through my attempts to force excitement. He knew I was losing my only friend.

Well, not my only friend. There was Garrett. Who was coming home soon, according to the email I’d received a few days ago and hadn’t answered, which meant the end of that friendship as soon as he found out how fucking worthless I was. The very idea had tightened my chest and took my breath away—a feeling that had exacerbated with each passing day. Even now, I was struggling to play normal for Shawn while internally I was bracing for the moment I had to tell Garrett that I wasn’t the outgoing, socially functional person he’d thought I was.

“Kai?”

I refocused on Shawn, who was now looking at me with a bit of concern. Great, so now I was bringing everyone down. Fuck my life.

“So,” I said with forced cheer. “Ready to show your mom?”

He gave me a look, like, don’t think you’re getting away with that. “Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not sad!”

“What’s going on with Army Guy?”

The tightness in my chest tripled. “He’s coming home soon.”

Shawn grew quiet. I was grateful he understood why this posed a huge dilemma in my life. “So he doesn’t know you…”

“Don’t leave my apartment?”

“You went to the mall one time!”

“Yeah, and I almost got in a fight at GameStop, and then I couldn’t function for a whole day after that. I had, like, a zillion messages when I finally emerged from my blanket fort.”

“Oh,” Shawn said, lips drawing down at the sides.

I threw up my hands. “Why are we talking about me? This day is about you and prom, and that tux.”

He took the hint and allowed the subject change. “I do look kinda fly, huh?”

“Kinda!” I protested. “Your date will be the envy of all those other high school bitches.”

“Oh God. You do the most.”

I clapped him on the back. “Let’s head out and show your mom.”

Toni had just gotten off a twelve-hour shift at the clinic and would be off to her second job soon, but had made time to see Shawn off to prom. Despite her long hours, I’d met her often enough to have become incredibly comfortable in her presence. Although as we walked into the living room, I realized she wasn’t the only one home.

Her boyfriend, Travis—the lazy piece of shit who didn’t work and consumed all the food in Shawn’s apartment whenever he showed up—was also there. I hated him. I was pretty sure Toni only put up with him because she didn’t want to be alone. It was sad, but it didn’t stop me from hating Travis. Travis the gigantic waste of space.

His watery eyes shifted to us as we stopped in front of the couch, drifting over Shawn before shooting right to me. I had only been in his presence twice before, and every time, he stared at me like he wanted to suck out my soul. His very presence heightened the growing anxiety in my gut, and the panic clawing at my throat.

Trying to ignore him, I nudged Shawn with my elbow. He cleared his throat, and Toni looked up with a brilliant smile.

“Oh honey, you look amazing!”

Shawn grinned back. “You think so?”

She stood up, groaning slightly with a hand at her lower back. “Yeah, I know so.” She stepped forward and ran her hands over Shawn’s shoulders. “So handsome.”

“What’re you doing here?” Travis said to me. It took me a moment to realize he was drunk. How had I missed the empty beer bottle cluster at his feet?

The anxiousness transcended my core until my hands shook. I shoved them in the back pockets of my jeans, but it didn’t change the situation. I hated Travis’ stare and voice. Everything about him. If it wasn’t for Shawn, I would have been out of there so fast, I would have burned carpet.

“Don’t you want to compliment Shawn on how nice he looks?”

Travis belched. “Nah, I wanna know why you’re here.”

Were there hidden cameras somewhere? This was like a scene from a sitcom. Or an after school special.

All of my interactions with people besides Shawn and Toni were almost always negative. Was it me? Was I not likable to people beyond my bubble? Or maybe I was so out of sync with reality that it was obvious I was
different.
I didn’t know, but I was losing my ability to breathe evenly.

“I was helping Shawn get ready.”

“Oh yeah? Pretty sure he doesn’t need help putting his pants on.” He turned to Toni. “Did you know Shawn brings this fucking fag into his room? The shit you let go on is insane. If he were
my
kid I’d have called the cops on this pervert after day one.”

Toni gasped, Shawn growled, and I…was paralyzed. Implying I was a pedophile was just about the worst insult anyone could hurl at me. I wished I was the type of person to let things roll off my back, but I wasn’t. I never had been. I froze up when faced with conflict.

All at once, the warning signs culminated and bowled me over. My vision went wonky and the pressure on my chest turned vice-like. There was an odd sound, and it wasn’t until Shawn’s face came into focus, and his mouth moved soundlessly, that I realized the sound was coming from me—a high pitched whine that drowned out anything else.

At that point, my ears unclogged. The first thing was “911”, and I nearly nearly crumpled to the floor. “No! Whatever you do, do not call…anyone!”

I panted as Shawn held onto me, his fingers gripping my biceps. “Kai, what the fuck, are you having another panic attack?”

Yes, yes I was. But I’d get over it. I always did.

I sucked in deep breaths and tried to focus on Shawn’s face, on the concern in his eyes, and the lack of insults being thrown at me from Travis. All I heard was silence and all I felt was the tight grip Shawn had on my forearms. Three more deep breaths, and a measure of stability returned even though my breathing was still erratic and my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest to rattle on the floor.

At that point I felt brave enough to glance over my shoulder but only Toni remained in the room. She was standing beside the couch, arms wrapped around herself as she shifted her weight from foot to foot.

“Where’s, um…”

“I kicked him out,” Toni said. “Called him a cab. No one talks to you like that in my home. I didn’t realize…I’m so sorry, Kai. He’s never been that drunk around me before, and I’ve never heard him use hate speech while sober.”

“It’s okay,” I said.

“No!” she said sharply. “It’s not. You’re a good friend to Shawn and you’re there for him when I’m not. I know you’ve never once been inappropriate. The very implication is disgusting.”

“Kai,” Shawn interrupted. “Want to get back to your apartment? I can stay with you—”

“No.” I pitched my voice as low and firm as I could. “Definitely not. You have to meet Keandra.”

“But—”

“I’ll be fine!” I said, louder than I meant to. Shawn released me but continued to hover. “Please, you need to enjoy prom.”

Shawn didn’t look happy but I didn’t care. He had a life that he needed to enjoy. I wasn’t going to be dead weight holding him back.

I reached out and hugged him, feeling the adrenaline in my body begin to release. I was going to crash in minutes and needed to get back to my apartment before my muscles gave out. “Have a great time. Take lots of pictures, okay?”

Shawn sighed. “Yeah, of course.”

“Thanks for, uh…yeah, thanks,” I said, waving at Toni.

“You need anything, you knock,” she offered.

I would never do that. “Sure, I will.”

In three strides, I was at their door. Two strides took me across the hall. And then I was in my apartment. I lost count of the steps but thank God for muscle memory because seconds later I was in my bed and clutching my pillow as I gave into the blackness sweeping over me.

Kai

I was on my Twitch stream playing
FWO
, but my head wasn’t in it. Chat noticed immediately.

I smiled for the first time in nearly a week. Since the previous day, I’d replayed Travis’s words in my head over and over until I was sick. Did other people see my friendship with Shawn this way? Was that why those guys at the mall had given us those weird looks and spat the word boyfriend so nastily? Maybe they hadn’t been homophobes—maybe they’d been creeped out by our age difference. Was it so creepy for an adult man to be friends with a teen? We weren’t very far apart in age, and Shawn’s mother had always been supportive…

But maybe it was creepy, and I was so removed from reality that I couldn’t tell anymore. It seemed like this was the year for everything to come together and force me to realize just how badly I’d fucked myself by pulling away from the outside world. My only friend was a kid, and the best relationship I’d had in years, or ever, had developed online and would have to stay that way until Garrett realized it wouldn’t go anywhere.

It was probably time to do something about it. Force myself to see a doctor like Shawn had suggested. I could recognize that I had some form of social anxiety, but it had never occurred to do anything about it. For years, I’d assumed I was a weirdo who had trouble making friends and connecting with people, and nobody in my family had ever said anything different. Even when counselors in school had subtly suggested I should get evaluated for counseling, my aunts and uncles had brushed it off. It’d been too much trouble when they had their own kids to worry about. Things hadn’t gotten really bad until I’d started dancing, and then I’d cowered in my apartment until the real world had become nothing but a pit of vipers.

Shawn had been the first person to mention a psychiatrist, but going to a doctor meant…leaving my bed. And talking to a stranger about everything. And he’d probably ask what I did for a living and wasn’t that a fucking ball of fun. Explaining the fact that I made my living off donations, subscriptions, and playing video games was a nightmare unless it was someone in the industry.

No thanks.

Normally, I’d talk to Garrett, but after that email letting me know he’d be coming home in a week, he’d disappeared. I didn’t know if it was because they’d packed up and shipped out, or if he was already back home and readjusting. Even though I didn’t know what to say about his homecoming, I needed to hear from him like I needed air.

There was a knock at my door. It was probably Shawn. If I didn’t answer, he’d freak out and call the police. He’d been sending me worried messages all morning.

“Sorry Chat,” I said, donning my best smile. “Gotta cut out early.”

I gave them a wave, watched the concerned messages scroll, then logged off.

I had on a pair of sweatpants, but no shirt, so I pulled on a hoodie and left it unzipped. At my front door, I unlocked each lock, slung it open, and opened my mouth to tell Shawn that I was fine.

But it wasn’t Shawn standing there.

It took my brain a minute to catch up, to recognize that the muscular form standing in the hallway outside my apartment was a smiling Garrett Reid. He wore a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, a jacket fisted in one hand, and a tan duffel at his feet.

And I couldn’t handle it. Internally I was screaming, unsure what to do now that this large man was here, at my apartment, unannounced. Never mind what we’d done, what we’d shared, I wasn’t prepared for this in any way.

His smile began to fade, maybe because I looked like I’d just seen a ghost. This was the time for me to explain.

But all I could do was grip the door, suck in a deep breath, and slam it in his face.

As the echo of the slammed door reverberated around my apartment, my first thought was that I couldn’t take that back. I couldn’t ever change the fact that Garrett had come home from nine months in the desert, and the first time he’d seen me, I’d slammed the door in his face.

I wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but it hadn’t been that.

There was a thunk from the other side of the door, and I fisted my hands at my sides, closing my eyes. Half of me wanted him to walk away without another word and the other half wanted him to bust down the door. Force me. Force this. Anything to get past this mental block. I opened my eyes and stared at the doorknob. I could reach out, open the door, greet Garrett like a normal person, like nothing was wrong, but eventually he’d figure it out…

“So.” His deep voice rumbled through my door. “I’m guessing you don’t like surprises then.” A pause. “I wish you’d have warned me back when I mentioned showing up at your door, but I get it.”

Oh God, why was he so fucking cute and I was such a goddamn mess? My head hurt and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I swallowed, but couldn’t make my vocal cords work.

“I’m sorry, Kai.”

Fuck this was worse. He was apologizing even though he hadn’t done anything wrong other than try to surprise me. But despite his jokes, I’d never thought he’d actually just show up. Why wasn’t he cursing me out and walking away?

“I got your address from the care package you sent, and I thought I’d surprise you and…I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I expected you to leap into my arms naked and we’d stumble into your apartment and then lay in bed for two weeks.”

Okay, that sounded nice.

“But that wasn’t really fair, I guess. I should have given you a heads up. I should have asked what else you have going on in your life, because you have a life outside of me.”

Actually, I didn’t at all.

“Kai.”

I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t trust my voice to come out without breaking down into an ugly cry.

There was a heavy sigh and another thunk, like he was banging his forehead on the door. “Fuck, maybe I imagined there was more to this, to us, than what there was. Over there, everything is magnified and you became the reason I looked forward to the next day.”

It had been the same for me. The absence of our daily chats was why this feeling of desolation and panic had started to swarm over me in the past few days.

“I’ll back off, okay? I could get a room at the hotel down the road or I could just drive home, but….” Another pause and this time I could hear a sharp inhale. “Look, just let me know so I don’t hold onto hope. If there’s no shot just keep being silent. I’ll walk away. But if there is a fucking shot, give me a sign, baby. Rattle the knob or something. Then I’ll stay and I’ll wait for as long as I can.”