Style and Disgrace (6 page)

“That’s…very thoughtful.”

“It’s truthful.” He stood up and took our plates into the kitchen, leaving me alone with his lingering, final gaze fresh in my head. His blue eyes burned into my brain and I didn’t see fanaticism but affection…honest and truthful…there for anyone to see. It dawned on me I was not simply a promise he made to my father. There was more to it.

The protector had become smitten with his ward.

I felt like the poor sap on a reality wedding show ready to ask the magic question only to be denied on national television. Rejection registering in perfect color correction for the whole world (or at least a few hundred thousand viewers) to see and my soul trying to sneak away like a bad performer slinking for stage left.

Chapter Eight
Uncomfortable Proposal

There it is, the obligatory zombie apocalypse fan mail for the week. Yes, my plan is firmly in place. No, you can’t stay at my house and no, I will not do a special photo shoot in my survivor garb. Spread the word, please. I’ve answered this like a billion times.

—Abby’s Facebook

I moved out to the living room and sat down on the sofa, staring blankly at the television. Allowing Ian to come over was a bad idea, I had known that immediately. The fact I was afraid, paranoid, and scared…that just made it easier to ignore the screaming voice in my head that said
Cowgirl up and stop being such a wuss!

The intimacy of dinner and a conversation that didn’t involve
Sphere and Pillar
nonsense gave Ian the opportunity to confess to me. Now that he told me, I didn’t know how to react. Should I be angry? Worried? Frustrated? Annoyed? What was the right thing to do? Kick him out? Talk more? Pick a fight?

After all the questions in my head, I settled on silence. There were no words, no comments, no sarcastic statements that could embody how I felt. Ian was a dangerous man, the one who had killed my father, even if he wasn’t entirely responsible. He lived a life involving monsters and the supernatural. He battled things I wrote about in my youth, the fantasies my friends brought to soaring life with ridiculous music and dramatic melodies.

Frustration welled up in my chest. David was the perfect guy for me. He was understanding, trustworthy, and gorgeous and he didn’t need me for his career. We were in love and that was a rare and wonderful thing. That morning, I would’ve said nothing on the planet could have threatened that.

Of course, Ian was only partially
from
the planet if I wanted to get technical. His involvement with the
Pillar
meant he was a demon and that was much like my father. They—
we
were different than normal people and it would be difficult to compete with us on any meaningful level.

This was not to say I wanted to betray David and I had absolutely no intention of it, but it did mean Ian’s presence created an artificial distance between me and humanity. David was an understanding person and I had confided in him, but Ian already knew everything. Much as I felt he was a danger and a threat, he had been very open with me.

I didn’t mind when all he wanted was to explain my father’s legacy, but now that I knew he wanted more, even if he didn’t expect it, the playing field had changed. My heart throbbed hard in my chest as I put all the pieces together like one of his complicated puzzles. The enigma, despite my better judgment, was appealing.

“I’ve made you angry.” His voice made me twitch, but otherwise, I barely moved. He was standing near the dining room and I realized all the sounds of cleanup had stopped several minutes earlier. He could’ve been watching me for a half hour and I wouldn’t have known. “That wasn’t my intention.”

“You think this blank expression and stillness is anger?” I asked, still staring at the television screen. “If that’s the case, you really don’t understand people very well.”

“Sometimes, I admit that I don’t know how…how
normal
people behave or act. I’ve not exactly had much of an opportunity to enjoy regular relationships of any kind. Friendship, love…all of those positive states have been luxuries I couldn’t afford. Short-term companionship works to break up the monotony of being alone but even that gets old after a while.” He sighed. “I suspect everyone eventually wishes they had someone to share time with.”

“Is that what’s really going on here?” I asked. “Are you hoping I’m that person for you? Because if you don’t recall, I do have a boyfriend.”

“That you’ve known for a very short time,” Ian pointed out.

“I’ve known you even less!”

“And yet we have more in common.”

“Jesus Christ!” I stood up and stormed toward the stairs, turned…and began to pace. I couldn’t believe he was advancing, moving in on me and David. The fact I was entertaining it at all made me feel like a right bitch. I couldn’t help it.

Ian was dangerous…magnetic…interesting…the kind of man I
always
ended up with. My dating masochism had left me a heap on more floors than I could count and not all of them were clean enough for that stupidity. I had been emotionally abused, shamed, dumped, and cheated on enough times to write a best-seller telling women how
not
to behave and yet I couldn’t take my own stunning advice.

“I don’t know why you’re so upset about it.” Ian remained where he was. “It’s obvious to me you’re interested. You wouldn’t be so freaked out if you weren’t. You’d just tell me off and we’d turn on the television, but instead you’re pacing and trying desperately to convince yourself you don’t want to pursue something with me. You can let go.”

“The hell I can!” I shouted with the full force of my voice training and the words boomed off the walls. “You’ve disrupted my life in ways I never thought possible. You got all
Star Wars
and lied about my father through omission, tried to convince me to give up my career, then, when my defenses were down and I turned to you for help, you attacked my relationship. What’s your
real
job title anyway? Home-wrecking asshole? Or is that just a hobby right up there with your damn puzzles?”

Ian moved to the window, turning his back on me. He stood there for several moments and I just fumed, unable to continue my tirade, but just as unwilling to leave. I wanted this confrontation. Deep in my soul, I needed to hear how this man, who had seemed so uncompromising and unfeeling before, could possibly explain his affection for me.

It seemed ludicrous really. The world he lived in, the one he wanted me to be part of, could not be conducive for a couple. As Steve Perry said,
The road ain’t no place to start a family
and he was only talking about musicians. I’m sure he would’ve had a much more profound opinion concerning
sort of
angels and
kind of
demons.

My own life was hardly suited for any kind of long-term or meaningful relationship. I had proven that out a dozen times. Even when I was with another musician, a guy whose band was only slightly behind Avalon Nights in popularity, we couldn’t keep it together. Our tour schedules were opposite and we met too many interesting people in our travels.

When we finally were able to synch up, we had technically been dating for a year, but only spent about a week total in the same room. Our first night together, we were both too tired to do more than have dinner, hug, and fall asleep in front of the TV. The next morning, he sat me down and told me about the seven women he had screwed while on tour.

After he finished, I told him about the two guys I had been with.

It all ended in mutual tears and an agreement we just weren’t meant to be together. We had rented a cabin near Mount Rainier for a week and though we had only used it for one night, we let the management keep the entire amount. Both of us just wanted to get back to real life and put our failure behind us. That was when I began to believe relationships were pointless and would never work.

David was proving me wrong about that. I thought I was in the clear. I saw everything differently and that’s because it seemed I was done with the courting and the fiasco of dating. No, we weren’t engaged, but that didn’t matter. We were serious and things were escalating. The simple fact we hadn’t had sex yet, as Sammy so eloquently pointed out, meant I thought of this relationship very differently from those the past.

Her comment about me treating third base like other people did buying tickets to the park was fairly accurate. If a guy was attractive, clean, didn’t do drugs, and we used protection, I didn’t see anything wrong with a fling. When men did it, they were players, but women were called sluts. I hated that hypocrisy and I wasn’t afraid to say so.

But even that was the old me and by that I mean the person I was several days ago before I met David. I had never been the type of person who couldn’t admit a possibility of change. I had my frivolous side before, but then we began to get serious and in the back of my head I started thinking about settling down. Not retiring from the road, but just throttling back on all the bad behavior.

Ian finally turned to me, his eyes narrow. I had seen that expression before. It was determination, a decision made, and my heart leaped in my chest in reaction to the sheer intensity of it. For all of his good posture and serious attitude, Ian was displaying a passion I never would’ve given him credit for. Then again, he was technically a soldier and who could understand what it means to be alive better than one who risks everything all the time?

“You think I’ve told you this merely to wreck your life.” His voice was low but clearly audible. I would’ve sworn there was an underlying growl to each syllable. “You think someone else might understand what you are and what you’re going through. If you change your mind and keep your gifts, then you won’t stay with him. You can’t. I’m offering you the chance to share your life with someone that gets it.”

“But I’m not going to change my mind,” I said. I couldn’t muster much in the way of force, but that didn’t undermine how much I meant it. He had cowed me, but not my decisions. It would take a lot more to do that. “My father did what he did for some cause he didn’t leave to me. That’s the whole problem. Maybe if he would’ve stayed around, I’d feel differently, but since he didn’t and all I have is you to go by…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ian snapped. That slip of control and the hurt in his eyes made me wince, but I stood up straight and met his gaze.

“It means you don’t seem like the happiest person I’ve ever met. Whatever it is you do, whatever good or evil you think you’re doing, it’s not fulfilling you at all. Sure, you might be satisfied at the end of whatever tasks you complete, but they aren’t making you happy and I’m guessing they never will.”

“You wouldn’t know a damn thing about it.”

“Maybe not,” I agreed. “But I do know when someone isn’t doing what they really want. I have to be honest with you. As tempting as you are right now, as much as I want to do something stupid, I can’t be the thing that makes you happy. Relationships that work have multiple layers and, yes, sex is definitely one of them. Love and respect is another right along with commonality.”

“You don’t think we have some of those?”

“We might, but that’s not the point.” I moved close enough to touch his arm, gripping him tightly. “The most important part of a relationship has to do with what you
don’t
have in common. Those are the things that keep you busy when you need a break or give you crazy stories to tell your partner because you weren’t together when they happened or remind you why you’re in love.

“If you don’t have that and you can’t embrace it, then that’s a codependence thing and that never works. Sure, two people might be willing to suffer through it, but it’s not necessary. Why not ensure you’re with the right person immediately rather than
try
against all hope?”

“Because maybe I feel like you
are
the right person.” Ian reached up and cupped my cheeks with his hands. I should’ve recoiled.

I didn’t.

“You don’t know me,” I whispered. “I’m a character in a documentary, a face on a screen, and a play actor on a stage. My father’s stories would’ve been fabrications of his hopes. Online biographies omit the bad stuff. Interviews highlight my best qualities. The philanthropy tends to be things I’ve never even heard of.”

“I don’t believe you.” He pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. “I know you’re more than the sum total of those parts. I’m not naive. Since I first saw your photograph, I harbored an interest in you. My study proved it out. The time we’ve been together, even while we were arguing, has been intoxicating. Please open up to me, Abigail. I’m falling in love with you.”

“I…I can’t…I…”

Ian interrupted my comment with his lips, pressing them hard against mine. I inhaled sharply through my nose…trembled…fought against it in my head…and ultimately lost the war as I returned his advance. Every part of me erupted in some type of emotional or physical conflict. I was appalled, elated, excited, and confused all at once. The contact was unexpected, unwanted, needed, and received.

God damn it, Abigail. Can’t you just once try to do things the right way instead of the Wright way? You must be proud, mom. I really am your daughter.

Never for better, always for worse. Thanks for passing that on. It’s been a real pleasure.

Chapter Nine
Building Barriers

Have you ever been in a place that you wondered how you got there, wished you weren’t there, couldn’t imagine being somewhere else and decided that you were doomed to be stuck forever? No? Hm. I might need help.

—Abby’s Facebook

Ian broke off the kiss, his wide eyes staring into mine. I returned his gaze and held my breath for several long moments. Neither of us spoke for what seemed like eternity. I exhaled and my whole body began to tremble. Every nerve ending in my body was screaming at me to do something else…run away, kiss him again, take my clothes off…I couldn’t listen to them all so I tried to shut out the messages.