Style and Disgrace (7 page)

It only partially helped.

I had been in that situation many times before. Kissing strange men I had no business being with was one of my trademarks. Usually, I was the one with the intensity and the drive causing my partner the same discomfort I was experiencing. I could be very forward and though it may not have been something to brag about, it did keep the action moving.

“Tell me,” Ian whispered harshly.

“Tell you what?” I bit my lip hard.

“Tell me you don’t have any feelings for me. Muster up
that
lie and sell it because I don’t think you can. I believe you feel as I do and you wouldn’t want to spend your life as some mundane lemming, even if you are leading the pack of them toward that proverbial cliff of ignorance.”

“Jesus, you’re dramatic…” I tried to turn away, but he wouldn’t let me.

“You’re not going anywhere until we work this out.”

“How does this work out in your head, Ian?” I asked. “Do I kiss you back? Tell you I love you? Do we make love or do you bend me over the couch and fuck me? What…what is it you think is going to happen? Have you never been in love with someone before? Never dated? Because it’s really showing right now.”

“I…” His conviction faltered and he loosened his grip. I took a step back, but reached for his hands, holding them tightly. He took a breath and continued. “Just because I haven’t been around in an emotional way doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you or I don’t know what they are. Intellectually, I know what would work and what would not. Give me the chance and I promise you you’ll never regret it.”

“I see you’ve avoided my questions…”

“Okay, yes…you kiss me back, you tell me that you love me…we enjoy each other physically and I show you that just because I’ve never held a woman in passionate regard does not mean I can’t express it with you.”

“Imagine if you were him,” I said. “Put yourself in David’s shoes right now. What would you hope I would do? If he were to have come to me like this and you and I were together. Would you want me to do all that? Or would you hope you could trust me with the heart you gave? Be honest.”

Ian broke away from me and stormed back to the window. He leaned against the wall and stared out. This time it was his turn to tremble and I could see every muscle in his body was struggling to let go of the tension my questions had built up.

The whole situation terrified me. I had seen Ian do mysterious things, but he was capable of much more, up to and including murder. Part of me regretted confronting him as I had. He was unbalanced in a way I hadn’t anticipated and that could’ve led to something bad happening. After all, if I pushed him hard enough, would he just outright kill me?

On the other hand, I felt terrible for him. He was right that I had nurtured some small feelings for him, but they were buried deep in the back of my head, locked up in a part of my heart I reserved for disappointment and regret. He would’ve been one or the other if I had never met David, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to comfort him at that moment.

I envisioned myself crossing the room and touching his shoulders, turning him around and kissing him. The mixed message of a stupid woman unable to come to terms with the fact she was an immature, irresponsible moron always on the lookout for a new way to screw up. I was in a fantasy world trying to determine which choices had consequences and, of those, which ones I could live with.

My decision was made and much as my brain screamed at me, I began to advance on him. The intensity, the excitement, the allure…all of it was too much to turn down and I didn’t want to risk losing it. If I shut the door, if I closed the gate, it would lock behind me and I’d never get back in. If I did that, then I might regret it forever. I had to know one way or another if I was making the proper choice with the rest of my life.

I was one step away when his phone rang, mercifully returning me to some sense of sanity. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I was light-headed and I had to go sit down on the couch, flopping there as my cheeks burned and my head throbbed. Peripherally, I heard him talking, but it was in a language I didn’t understand. I was given a few moments to ponder my fickle, horrible nature.

“No, I don’t think you do understand what’s going on right now.” Ian had switched back to English and was acting far more escalated than I expected. I tore myself from my own self-recrimination and eavesdropped. “I know they’ve never been particularly sensitive to our own agendas, but, in this case, I really must
insist
you find someone else.”

There was a long pause as he listened to the caller.

“What if I tell you I don’t give a damn about the consequences? That I’ll get to your…
threat
when I get to it? What then?”

Another pause.

“Really. You’d make that threat? I don’t believe you’re ready for the consequences. Have I not always been loyal to our cause, because if I’m not mistaken, this is the very first time I have ever asked you to find someone else.”

I watched emotions play across his face. Helplessness, defiance, rage, and finally resignation. Whatever he was talking about, I suspected he was going to have to leave. The paranoia and fear that brought him here were gone at least. I knew I could be alone in the house if necessary. Nearly cheating on my boyfriend seemed to trump supernatural threats.

Good to know I’ve got my priorities straight.

Ian hung up the phone and sat down on the opposite side of the couch from me, staring at the floor. I felt an urge to reach out for him, but there was an aura there, something saying to give him his space. He must’ve been the only man I ever knew who could be so frightening while sitting still. I could feel waves of anger coming from him, far more poignantly than I should have.

Shit, is this some power of mine manifesting? Another part of dad’s legacy? This is not a good time!

“We tend to operate independently,” Ian said. He was speaking in a quiet monotone. “Each of us is responsible for keeping our eyes out for opportunities or trouble that would require our special talents to solve. That allowed me to do many things that were…outside the realm of what we traditionally would have become involved in.”

“Such as fulfilling my father’s wish.”

“Among other things, yes. Ever since I worked with him, I’ve had some trouble with what my side does. I’m not squeamish. It would be a mistake to assume that, but I have seen enough evidence to change my opinion of who is acting for the greater good and who works…for something else. While I don’t particularly care about individual people, I do appreciate humanity as a whole. I would rather not see the world end…if I can help it.”

“I’m with you there.”

“You are only there passively. Like the rest of the world, you don’t want to see it end, but given the strength and power to do something about it, you’d choose not to.” He shook his head. “I’ve risked my life, my very
existence
beyond death to make a difference. What have you done?”

“I don’t think that’s entirely fair. I only learned about this recently.”

“I thought you were different.” Ian stood up. “I thought you were special, but instead, you’re the vapid celebrity I first thought you were. You embody everything my side has worked so hard to create. You’re self-absorbed, addicted to pleasure and public adoration. The sum total of your contribution to society will be a handful of songs written to ensnare a dollar rather than make an honest or thoughtful statement.”

I couldn’t move for several moments after he fell silent. The words rushed over me and I took them in, tallying the damage of each one before I began formulating a retort. There were parts I might not be able to refute. I was addicted to adoration. I loved the fact people enjoyed our music and wrote me messages or talked to me online.

High school had been a miserable, self-conscious experience where doubt was a better friend than the few ladies I spent time with. College was better, but I was still chafing under the influence of my mother. When I finally met Sammy and Doug, it all changed for the better, but up until then, I was building up a need for acceptance so strong I would’ve sold my soul to get it.

“So you think just because I’m not interested in risking my
life
for a cause I don’t understand, I’m less of a person than you?”

Ian sighed. “No, that’s not it…”

“It certainly
sounded
like it. I have to tell you, there’s no way in hell I’d be willing to do what you and my father did. What stories do you have to prove that your…job, if you want to call it that, is a
good
thing? You don’t agree with your side, my father died trying to save a rival, and now, as I get dragged into this shit, I get insulted, too. Well, there’s the door, Ian. At least you don’t need a master lemming to show you how to use it.”

I stormed toward the stairs and he intercepted me just before I could get there. He grabbed my arm, his fingers like tiny vises biting into my muscles. I twisted but it just caused it to hurt and I scowled.

“Let me go.” My voice was low and threatening. Every ounce of anger I could possibly muster simmered just beneath the surface. I considered letting it go, but held back. The fireworks were primed and the fuses were short. There was no reason to go off quite yet. I had plenty of time. “Now.”

“I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“I’m not going to ask you again.”

He let me go and I drew back, bumping into the wall. He held out his hands to either side.

“Please, Abigail…just…hear me out.” He was truly desperate. His terror was palatable. He was wondering if he had lost me…this wasn’t something I garnered from his expression, it was something I just
knew.
Like reading a book, I picked up precisely what he was thinking and it came as easily as if he had told me himself. “The phone call I received was upsetting. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“Yeah, you could’ve tried telling me what it was about or being the least bit respectful, but, instead, you got all temper tantrum on me. I’ve been through those relationships, Ian. I don’t need an encore. You want to start off fresh and leverage all of your supposed
passion
, find some barfly bitch that’s used to being smacked around by her boyfriend because that’s
not
me and it never will be.”

“There are times we’ve been asked to kill…” He let the gravity of that statement settle in, but I was so far beyond the point of surprise or shock, it did nothing to me at all. A cold numbness smothered my brain and I just stared at him with a look that suggested he would have to do a lot more to elicit a response from me. “We haven’t done anything like that for a long time.”

Something dawned on me.

“Did they ask you to kill me?”

“What?” Ian’s eyes widened and he quickly shook his head. “No, no…of course not, no. They don’t even know about you. You’re still neutral anyway. Even with the connection to your father, you’re not a threat to them. Not yet. I’m so sorry you would even
think
that.”

“Would you fulfill that order if they gave it?”

“I would not.” He answered a little too quickly for my taste, but, somehow, I did believe him. “There are plenty of things I wouldn’t do if they asked and they probably know that. This time, they would not take no for answer because it
has
been quite some time since they’ve asked. Mostly, I’ve done a good job lately of giving them something without doing something terrible. Now…there’s a person that requires our special attention.”

“I don’t know what that means…are you a prostitute?” I shook my head. “I don’t know what you people do, Ian. I thought it was fight monsters from two different sides. Now you’re talking about being an assassin or…God knows what.”

“Interesting choice of words.”

“Enough of that shit!” I shouted. “Are you going to leave or what? It sounds like you’ve got something important to do so don’t let me keep you. I guess I’ll be figuring out how to take care of myself for a while…which is probably a good thing considering who’s offered to help.”

“You…you were close to giving in to me.” Ian must’ve wanted to ask the question, but it came out as a statement. He figured me out and I didn’t care. That moment was over, even if I still nursed a masochistic desire for him in my heart and…well, physically too. “I made a mistake and now you’re drawing back.”

“I guess that’s what happens.”

“I don’t have to go until tomorrow morning…the assignment isn’t until then.”

“Nevertheless, don’t you think you’ve caused enough damage here? Or do you think you might be able to find a couple more things I care about to insult, attack, or break?”

Ian rubbed his eyes. “I don’t want to leave you alone tonight. I…I’ll stay down here and keep watch. We should continue this conversation when we’re not so emotionally charged.”

“Ah, yes…I wonder who got us that way.” I tapped my chin before starting up the stairs. “You had better stay down there the whole night, Ian. I have absolutely no interest in hearing you creep around near my bedroom. Just for the record, the door will be locked. I trust that you’re enough of a gentleman to respect that?”

“Of course, Abigail I just—”

“We’re not having any more of this conversation until tomorrow, remember?” I paused at the landing. “I’m an idiot for not kicking you out. Don’t make me regret that decision more than I already do. Whatever you and I could have had, I can tell you right now that’s long gone. The ship’s sailed, the rocket’s launched, and the balloon has popped. I’d start thinking about the next chick you’re going to obsess about and, maybe in a few months, we can discuss your success over coffee.

“For now, good night. Oddly enough, that’s the last time you’re going to hear that without the closing of a car door punctuating the sentence.”

If only that would end this little dalliance so simply. I know we’re not done talking about it, or finished with the potential, but I’ve bought some time to regroup and wise up. Come on, Abby, it’s time to make the right decision for a change. The road less traveled is the one where you keep your panties
on
in the presence of the hot guy who treats you like crap.