Sunshine (26 page)

He's looking at me with the same look Jade and Stevie had on their faces the night of the dance when I came home.
He knows.
Before he’s able to say anything, I feel my feet moving and I’m running.
I take the front doors, heading for the opposite direction Jack went. His black eyes flash in my mind. Just earlier today, Myles’ eyes were on his dog. Is it possible to body travel from into a human?
Know what? This is too weird. How about I deal with my own problems for now.
I don’t really get far and I guess that’s okay, because I don’t really know where I’m going anyway. I can’t see too clearly either. I can see things: trees and the occasional person in the distance, it’s just that none of it registers.
My mind is full of thick, sticky, thoughts that refuse to let anything else in.
Myles knows.
He knows everything.
I should have known better. This was
not
part of the plan. The plan was to
not
end up liking Myles, and it sure as hell was not letting him ever know about what happened to me.
“Sophie, wait,” Myles is calling from behind me.
I can’t do this. Now that he knows, he won't want anything to do with me. I start running again. The cement under my feet turns into grass, and I realize that I’m going the wrong way somewhere in my mind. I’m in the middle of the football field, not anywhere near the main road. The sprinklers are going off and cold water is hitting me in the face, but I keep going anyway. Even when I can feel my legs burning, and my chest feels like it’s going to burst into flames.
I run until I trip and fall flat on my chin.
There’s a sharp pain in my shoulder, my knee, but I don’t care. All I want is this to be another nightmare that I can wake up from. I close my eyes, and try to concentrate on the cold streams of water from the sprinkler hitting me in the side of the face, the smell of mud filling my nose, and soaking into my brand new white dress. My pulse pounds hard in my head as I try to catch my breath.
I don’t move. I don’t think.
Then I feel Myles’ hands around my arms, pulling me out of the mud and helping me up. I don't want to be helped, but I can’t stop him either.
Now I’m sitting with Myles behind me, leaning me against him. I stare at the muddy imprint my body left in the ground. It seems to be the only thing my mind will let register.
“Sophie,” he says in my ear. It’s like I’m coming up from being under water. And suddenly, it becomes too real again.
I lean over in front of me to heave, but nothing comes out. Nothing but hot air in my frozen lungs. When I’m done, Myles turns toward me, still cradling my back with one hand while the other hand wipes mud away from my face. I refuse to look at him, but he doesn’t try to get me to. Instead, he rests his chin on my head and holds me. “It’s alright,” he says quietly. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing can come out except air.
We don’t say anything on the way home. I can’t. I can’t talk, or move, or think. All I can do is try to breathe. Myles carries me down the stairs of the basement to my apartment. I let him. Seeing as how he now knows that I’m defective and will want nothing to do with me, I should probably soak this in while I can.
He sits me down on the couch and disappears for a few minutes. I wrap myself tighter in his jacket that he must have placed around me at some point and breathe in the dryer sheet smell. I can’t even concentrate on the Jack thing; my mind can only process so much at once. Now that Myles knows, he’ll run.
He comes back into the living room and sits down next to me, his hair dripping wet. He hands me a towel and I wipe mud off of myself robotically.
“You hit your knee and your shoulder when you fell. Does it hurt?” he asks.
I almost forgot the dull throbbing in my knee, my shoulder feels worse, but it’s not that bad. I shake my head no.
“Can you straighten your leg?”
Slowly, I swing my leg up and then back down again. It looks worse than it feels, or maybe I just can’t feel much pain right now. It’s probably going to hurt a lot worse tomorrow.
“What about your shoulder?” he asks.
I shrug, and as I do, it throbs. I don’t know how I managed to hit it, but it doesn’t take me more than a second to figure out that Myles probably smells blood.
“You scraped it on one of the sprinklers,” he says, already helping me take off his jacket, and I don’t even care. But when we get to my cover up, he lets me take it off. I turn away from him. I can’t look at him right now.
He’s pressing something to my shoulder. Great. Now he knows about me and I’m torturing him by bleeding all over the place. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“About the blood?” Myles says gently. “It’s not that bad.”
I nod slowly, not wanting to talk. He smoothes a big, square, band-aid over it.
His hand moves from my shoulder and to my back where he can see my wings, his fingers tracing the intricate pattern. “Your first tattoo,” he realizes.
I nod.
It should bother me that he’s touching it. Along with that, he’s touching all of the scars underneath the ink. I know he can see them, and still I don’t care. Somehow, having him know makes everything else seem less worse.
“I got them after it happened.” My first reaction is to regret saying it, but I don’t. It doesn't matter now. “It’s stupid.”
He continues tracing it. “It’s beautiful.”
I shake my head.
Then we're quiet. I can’t take it, I have to get this over with. The sooner we start talking, the sooner it’ll be done. “I’m sorry I ruined your dance,” I say quietly.
He lays the jacket back over my shoulders and I feel like I don’t deserve it. “
You
didn’t ruin anything,” he says gently. Again, there’s silence.
“I’m sorry.” I feel like I should be saying this over and over again.
Sorry I’m so broken.
Sorry I thought I could be normal.
Sorry for being such a mess.
Myles turns me toward him, and I’m too tired to fight. He moves closer, moving his arm around the back of my neck, his hand resting on the shoulder I didn’t scrape. I don’t deserve to look at him. I’ve ruined everything. Everything. “Sophie,” he says.
Here it comes:
I never want to see you again, you stupid girl.
“I should have told you,” I blurt out, staring at my knees, which are covered in drying mud.
Myles touches my face. I shift my eyes to look at him, but soon after I return to staring at the mud. “You were scared,” his voice sounds angry, but not at me.
“So now you know,” I pause, take a breath, let it out. “So if you don’t want to be around me, I get it.”
He gently grabs my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. His eyes seem to be searching for something behind mine. “Why wouldn’t I want to be around you?” he asks.
I swallow hard. “Because...I’m...” I trail off, feeling this weird burning in my eyes and the back of my throat. I ignore it and continue. “I’m no good,” I say, “I’m...”
Myles squeezes my hand. “I’m the only one who knows,” he says softly. “Stevie and Jade have their suspicions, but I’m the only one who knows, aren’t I?”
Nodding is my first response, then I ask, “how did you not know before now?” I’m suddenly aware that Myles has seen Jack before.
He pauses, glances at my hand in his. “He doesn’t think the way other people do,” he says. “And he’s usually on some kind of drug. He wasn’t tonight. He thought the memory right at me.”
I shake my head. “What?”
“I
saw
what he did.”
I can’t look at him now. I don’t want to think about what he saw.
“And now you’ll never want to hang around me again and I don’t blame you.” I inch away.
“Wait,” he says, moving closer again. He wraps his arms around each side of my waist, my face is just centimeters from his. I have no choice but to look back. “Why would I leave?”
I shrug, it’s the only thing I can do.
“Sophie, I love you,” he says it like I should know this.
Everything seems to stop. Everything but my pulse pounding.
“You don't have to say anything back,” he adds on quickly. “I know you're not ready to. But I know you love me too.”
I pause. Still trying to defend myself seems stupid, but I do it anyway. “You can’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.” He smiles a little. “I feel what you feel.”
I don’t know what to do now. He knows every dirty secret about me, and he still wants me. His face is so close to mine that I can feel his breath on my nose. I close my eyes, and I feel something wet on my face, trickling down my face.
When I open my eyes again, Myles is wiping away what I assume to be tears. Real tears. “Don’t cry,” he says. “I’m not going anywhere.” And his face moves closer.
I close my eyes again. “Are you going to kiss me?”
“Do you want me to?”
I nod before I can over think it.
And when he does, everything else fades. The stinging of my scrapes dulls, my heart slows down, my eyes stop watering. Nothing hurts anymore.
We sit on the couch for a long time. But after a while, I just want to go to bed. Myles follows me into my room and I lie down on my bed, muddy clothes and all. I’m too tired to do anything else. I feel like Myles is going to leave me to go to bed, that I’ll wake up alone, and I don’t want him to. “Can you stay here tonight?” I ask.
He sits down in my desk chair. “I can.” And he sits there, staring at me, making sure I’m okay. I feel like he’s too far away.
“No. Here,” I barely say, gesturing to the empty space in my bed, almost too tired to talk anymore.
He raises his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”
I nod.
He kicks off his shoes, which I didn’t even bother to do, and lies next to me. I roll onto my side, wrapping his arm around my waist and holding it so he’s hugging me. I ignore the brief pounding in my head, and the rush of uneasiness that follows. I know I need this, even if somewhere my body is telling me I don’t.
“This is okay with you?” he murmurs into my hair.
I nod, the uncomfortable feeling fading more and more.
“Sophie?” he asks before I drift off.
“Mm.”
“Do you want to know what really happened tonight with Jack?"
“Tell me tomorrow.” It sounds so stupid, but I just don’t care right now. I just want this. Sleep. Myles. That’s all I can handle at the moment.
He’s quiet again. “I could hurt him for you, Sophie,” he says so softly I almost don’t hear him.
After an initial, WTF? moment, I answer. “No.”
“He hurt you.”
“Yeah. He did, but hurting him back doesn’t make that go away. And that’s what I want. I just want it to go away.”
He seems to think about it for a second. “I know what that’s like,” he whispers. He lightly kisses my temple. “Sleep now. We can talk tomorrow.”
And right before I finally drift off, I don’t think about how horrible the dance was, or how we didn’t even get to try out our slow dancing, or what we’re going to tell Boo and Trei, or what’s wrong with Jack.
All I can think about is how Myles said he loved me and knows I love him back. But I'm not sure what love is, really. So how can I know if I feel it?

Chapter 24
Wash it away
“Open up your chest for me, and I will build a house.”-Man Man

I wake up by myself.
My eyes feel swollen when I rub them and I feel like I haven’t slept in days, but I that’s okay; I can go back to sleep. Someone’s covered me with a quilt and I wrap it tightly around me.
I try not to think about how stupid I am. I succeed for about a minute or two.
Myles is a freaking
vampire
. The least of his worries is the fact that his friend-but-a-little-bit-more-than-a-friend was raped by some asshole. And I’m being an idiot for only caring about my side of things.
Whatever was going on with Jack last night had to be super natural. There’s no way it wasn’t. But I’m too tired and it’s too damn early to figure this out on my own. I’ll wait for Myles to come back and when he wants to, he can explain.
When I pick up my cell from my nightstand, it’s ten thirty in the morning and I have about twelve missed calls from Boo and/or Trei.
“I already called them,” Myles’ voice comes from the door that leads to my living room. He has his cell in his hand and he’s wearing the same clothes he wore last night, only they’re slightly wrinkled now.
I twitch a smirk at him, too tired for a full on smile. “What did you tell them?”
He sits down near my knees, making sure the quilt is covering my shoulders by adjusting it. “I told them you weren’t feeling well. I took you home and made sure you were okay.” He glances at my face. “I couldn’t come up with anything that didn’t sound like I slept with you.” He laughs a little.
I don’t think of that.
Too much. Too early.
“What you told them is fine.” I say, “If the world worked Boo’s way, everyone would be sleeping with everybody.”
He’s looking right at me now. “Are you okay?”
I nod and yawn. “My eyes hurt, but I’m okay.”
“It’s probably from crying.”
His silvery blue eyes search me like I was in a car accident, but the rest of his face is calm and relaxed. “I haven’t cried,” I say quietly, my voice coming out as more of a croak.
“About,” he stares at my knees, “what happened?” He looks like he’s worried I might fall apart when his eyes meet mine again.
I think I’m done falling apart.
“No,” I say, “Not since that night. I just thought I wasn’t able to.” I shrug, realizing that no matter how I phrase it, it’ll sound stupid. “Maybe I’ve just never had anything worth crying about before,” I think out loud.
He smiles at me like what I’ve said is the nicest thing to him. I shrug. It’s just how I feel. It’s about time I stop trying to hide it from myself and everyone else. The people who care the most about me don’t even know who I really am, and it would be nice if they knew me a little bit better.
But baby steps.
Myles rubs my arm which is under the quilt. “You were cold, so I put this on you,” he explains it like he has to.
I take a second to absorb it all again. Myles found out about me and he’s here. He took care of me when I needed him, and he stayed with me. Granted, he was not under my blanket that I can tell from the way it’s cocooned around me, but I don’t feel anxious about him having stayed in my room. In my bed. In fact, him sitting near me doesn’t seem to be close enough.
I'm tired of telling myself I don’t deserve things. I’m tired of thinking that everyone is out to get me.
Myles smiles as he sits down, placing a pillow on his lap, and I rest my head on top of it. I lie on my back so I can look at his face. “So do you want to know what really happened with Jack last night?” he asks after some time.
As soon as he says it I feel more awake. It brings back everything that happened, but now I can replay it and process it how I should have last night. I swallow. “I didn’t know you guys could jump into a human body,” I say, thinking I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.
He seems to appreciate the fact that he doesn’t have to spell the entire thing out for me. “He’s the only one I’ve ever heard of that can do it.”
“Who?” I ask.
Myles takes in a deep breath and lets it out. “His name is Michael. He’s one of the oldest vampires. No one really knows how old he is, or when he was changed, but something went really, really, wrong when he was brought over.” He breathes in again, lets it out slowly. “He was changed incorrectly,” he clarifies. “He has something wrong with him. He’s insane.” And the way he says it makes it impossible to doubt him or think that he’s just using the word like I do to describe my mom.
“So it was him in Jack’s body last night?” I stare past his face at the ceiling. “Does he just know what Jack did, by being in his head?” My voice comes out quieter than I wanted it to.
“He was trying to scare us,” he says like it explains everything.
“Why?”
“He’s very old. He’s still living in the old way,” he says, then glances at me and decides to explain further. “He still sleeps in a coffin, he cannot be out in the daylight, and he thinks of humans as nothing more than food,” he pauses, thinking of something else to say. “He’s very powerful. He doesn’t even need to be invited in someone’s home.”
I have to fight the urge to gulp. I mean, that’s a hell of a lot of information. “So he doesn’t like you acting like a teenager?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” Myles shrugs. “I know he doesn’t like any of our kind treating humans like we’re equals.” He stares out the window on the far side of my room, which is pretty pointless because the shades are drawn. “Michael was the first vampire I met after I was changed,” he says softly, like he’s thinking. “He did horrible things. He is still doing horrible things.” Myles looks at me, trying to gauge my reaction.
I don’t give him much of one before I decide to keep the conversation going. “So should we be worried about him doing horrible things here?” I’m surprised at how calm I sound.
He shakes his head instantly. “Remember when I showed you my arms?” Like I could forget. I nod. “He did that to me. We fought, I mean,” he tells me. “I’ve run into him a few times since I left him all those years ago. Every time he’s wanted to get in contact with me, he was controlling someone else. I'm not sure why, considering how much energy it takes. He can only keep it up for so long before the person regains consciousness.”
“So that time,” I say. “He didn’t?”
Myles nods slowly. “I helped someone he was hurting once,” he says quietly. “I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me for it.”
I have to blink a few times to snap myself back into the conversation. “So let me get this straight,” I say. “He does this every so often to like, mess with you? Are you—we—in danger here?” I try ignoring the way my stomach lurches when I say that.
“No,” he tells me softly, his hand finding my hair, which is still mostly pinned to my head from last night. I realize for the first time since I fell asleep that I’m still in my muddy clothes and should probably take a shower. But I don’t move to get up. There will be time for that later. “I’m not in trouble,” Myles says. “We’re safe, and this has only happened a few times.”
“You sure?” I ask about not being in danger, not really convinced.
“You don’t believe me?”
I shrug. “I believe you don’t think you’re in trouble, but maybe it’s just because you want to believe that. I mean, there has to be a reason he chose
Jack
, that he wanted to scare
me
. He asked me to go on a walk with him,” I say, feeling even more alert. What would have happened if I was forced to go on that walk? “And when he grabbed my wrist, it felt like he was going to break it. It felt like he had it out for me.”
I sit up, looking at him, starting to panic. He pushes the hair from my face. “I believe he chose Jack because he wanted to scare you away from me,” he says gently.