Surrender to Me (8 page)

I can’t let this silence continue. “Jasper, please let me explain.”

He snaps his head up like he’s awoken from a dream.

“So, this is what you wanted to talk to me about? About him?” His
voice sounds uneven and hoarse as he knows the voice on the machine belongs to
Harper.

Taking a deep breath, I whisper, “Yes.”

“How long?” he questions.

His head is still slightly stooped, and I know this is because he
doesn’t want to meet my eyes. My deceiving, dishonest eyes. 

I remain silent as I try to piece together the best explanation
without making things worse.

“I think now is about the time you start explaining.”

Wishing he would lift his head and look at me, because I can’t read
how he’s feeling, and I need to look into his eyes so he can witness my
honesty.

“Look at me,” I whisper, barely audible.

He slowly elevates his head, and I gasp as I witness the cold look
in his usual loving eyes.

“I’m sorry Jasper.”

Jasper suddenly gets up, bracing his hands behind his head as he
starts pacing.

I am too scared to move, so I stay rooted, but my eyes follow his
frantic movements.

“Jasper,” I plead, watching him walk back and forth like a caged
lion.

“No, give me a minute,” he says, putting out his hand to stop me.

I bite my trembling lip.

Finally he comes to a stop right in front of me and slowly meets my
eyes, but he doesn’t speak.

“Jasper, please... say something.”

He takes a few short breaths. “What could I possibly say that would
make any of this okay?”

I reach out for him, but he shrugs away like my touch would burn
him.

“It’s not how it looks. I know that message made things look really,
really bad, but it’s not.”

“Oh,” he says, letting out a sarcastic laugh. “So your ex didn’t
just call you, declaring how much he misses you and that he found a perfect
place for your spring wedding! Forgive me Ava, I must have misheard all that.”

I feel sick inside, because I know whatever I say is not going to
excuse the fact I have lied to Jasper. I wish I had told him before he heard
the message, because this has just made everything so much worse.

“Harper and I are just friends. That's it, nothing more. There has
never been anything more than that. I promise.” I am pleading with him to
believe me.

“How long?” he asks me again.

Lowering my eyes, I’ve just given away my guilt.

“How long Ava? Just answer the question!” Jasper presses.  

I flinch at the roughness in his tone.

“For a while,” I finally whisper.

“How long is a while? Since you've been back?” I can hear the fury
behind his tone.

Biting my lip guiltily, I shake my head. I wish I had the balls to
elaborate further, but I know when I do, it’ll all be over.

“Longer?” he asks, taken aback.

I slowly nod.

“Since when? Since before you left? Did he know you were coming
here?” Jasper is piecing it all together, and I don't have to answer, because
my silence says it all.

I can hear the break in his voice, and I finally meet his grief
stricken eyes.

“How could you Ava? Why didn’t you tell me?”

I step forward, but again he steps away from me, his hands up,
stopping my retreat.

“Because I knew you would react this way, and when I spoke to you, I
didn't want to talk about him.”

I know this is the worst thing I could possibly say to him, because
now that the tables have turned, I look like the world’s biggest hypocrite by
using his own words.

Jasper bites his lip and lets out a maniacal laugh, which sends
shivers down my spine.

“And you had the nerve to reprimand me about Indie when you've done
something so much worse.”

“I don't trust her Jasper. I’ve told you this.”

“You don't have to! You’re in a relationship with me, not her!” he
yells animatedly.

Suddenly I remember her comment about Boston.

“I see the way she looks at you Jasper. She will stop at nothing
till she has you. What happened in Boston?” I ask softly.

Jasper curses under his breath, pulling his hair to the point of it
being painful.

I gasp, and gather the courage to murmur, “Judging by your reaction,
it's safe to assume something bad happened.”

Jasper takes a minute to reply, and when he does, I really wish he
didn’t.

“She kissed me alright,” he confesses, looking at me despondently.

My knees buckle, and I blindly slump onto the barstool before I lose
my footing.

“Pardon?”

Surely I haven't heard him right.

“We were at some party, she was drunk and she... kissed me. It was
over before it even begun. I told her to stop and I put her drunken ass in a
cab to sober up, sending her home. She apologized the next day, explaining the
alcohol got the better of her and we've forgotten it happened.”

My eyes must look like flying saucers.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No Ava, I'm not.” His curt reply hurts.

What the hell just happened? How have our exes managed to fuck us up
beyond repair?

“And this just happened to slip your mind? You didn't think to tell
me you and your ex shared a kiss?” I ask incredulously.

“We didn't share anything. Like I said, it was over before it begun.
When her lips were on mine they felt wrong, because they weren’t yours.” He
takes a step closer when he hears the catch in my voice, but we may as well be
universes apart.

Looking around my small simple apartment, I wish I was anywhere but
here.

“Is that meant to make me feel better? You hid this from me Jasper.
You were dishonest this whole time,” I whisper, feeling bile rising up into my
throat.

Jasper lunges forward, slamming his fist onto the kitchen counter.
“Don't you dare lecture me about dishonesty! You’re the one that lied. I asked
you time and time again if you had seen Harper, and you said no. You repeatedly
lied to me. I didn’t tell you about Indie because nothing happened! I felt
nothing! But you... with Harper, I know you feel something, and that’s why you
never told me.”

Jumping up from my barstool, I grab onto his bicep and don’t let go.

“No! I feel nothing, do you hear me, nothing!” I am on the verge of
tears.

I have been so good thus far, but I can hear the ache in Jasper’s
voice and it hurts.

Jasper’s voice breaks as he clenches his jaw.

“How can I trust you?”

I am shaking all over and my voice stammers. “Please Jasper,
let...let me explain. We were both dishonest with each other. Harper and I...”

But he doesn’t let me finish, he doesn’t let me explain that Harper
means nothing to me.

As soon as Harper’s name slips pass my lips, he hisses, “No Ava,
nothing will excuse the fact you lied to me, and I believed you...”

I can hear him holding back his pain, and the tears I have been
holding onto break free.

“Because I wanted to believe that you picked me over him,” he
confesses, brokenheartedly.

“I did. I do! I want you. Harper is nothing to me. I don’t even see
him often,” I cry loudly, wishing I could explain further, but he keeps cutting
me off.

Jasper shakes his head, his hair falling into his eyes, shadowing
his face.

“You should have told me.”

He's right, I should have told him, and I will do anything to make
this right.

As I look into Jasper’s downcast eyes, I know he will never look at
me the same way ever again, and that thought breaks a deep sob from my chest.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Just let me explain.”

“I can't Ava.”

Snapping up my head, I search his unreadable face.

“You can't? What do you mean you can’t? I’m willing to put the Indie
incident aside.” My voice is trembling, afraid of his reply.

“We are in a long distance relationship. If we don't have trust,
then we have nothing. You made it clear you don't trust me about Indie, and now
this,” he replies, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.

“I do. I do trust you!” I am crying uncontrollably with my nose
running distastefully, but I could care less.

“No Ava, you don't. And I... I don’t trust you.” He reopens his
eyes, and the look in his usual bright eyes is now filled with pain. “How can
you expect me to trust you after this?” He takes a deep breath before he softly
asks, “Have you had sex with him?”

My eyes widen in revulsion. “What? No! Of course not!” I yell,
imploring him to believe me.

“Then why is he planning your future wedding?”

I slowly witness Jasper’s face contort with understanding.

“He doesn't know I exist does he?”

My lower lip trembles, and with nothing left to lose, I nod to
answer him.

“I'm done.”

Choking on my tears, my body is convulsing in grief, and I can’t
keep up with the tears running down my face. But I wipe them away quickly as I
need to see his face, to see if he means it.

The hard look on his face breaks me as he won’t even listen to me.

“Don't say that. Please don't say that.” I am openly begging him not
to leave me.

But Jasper is headed towards the door, and I buckle in half, holding
my middle in grief.

“Goodbye Ava.”

Peering up at him, I witness the tears streaming down his face, and
I will do anything to stop him from walking out on me. Running over to him and
tripping over in my panic, I drop to my knees in front of him, surrendering to
him.

“Jasper please, please, please, no. Please don’t leave me. I have to
explain,” I can’t speak as my words are catching in my throat.

His hand is braced on the door handle, and I choke out, “You
promised me you would never leave me. You promised you would wait for me.”

Jasper turns towards me, his parting words ripping out my heart.

“I made that promise to a girl who doesn’t exist.” I never thought I
would witness such hurt in his eyes.

“Please, please don’t leave me,” I plead with him one last time.

I wish in this moment I could articulate something other than the
ramblings of a desperate woman, but I can’t.

Jasper slowly shakes his head, and I know by that one action he will
never forgive me.

“You're not the person I thought you were.”

And then he's gone.

I am staring at the door in beliefs he will come charging through
it, accepting my apology when he allows me to explain.

But he doesn't. And I realize he never will.

A guttural sound breaks free of my chest, and then everything goes
black.

Chapter 9

My Life Without Jasper

Singapore:

T
he next few days
blur into one, and when one week becomes the next, I know I have lost Jasper.

I have continually tried to contact him, but with the time
difference and his hectic touring schedule working against me, it makes it all
but impossible for me to talk to him. What I want to say to him cannot be done
over voicemail or text. I want to beg for forgiveness, and I am willing to do
anything for him to offer me that absolution. But I know it’ll never come, and
that realization sends me into a deeper spiral of despair. So I give up, and
deal with my constant headache which is a reminder of how severely I’ve fucked
up- again. You’d think I’d learned my lesson by now, but old habits die hard.

What else is constant is Harper’s role in my life after Jasper’s
departure. He left me to wallow in self-pity for the first couple of days. But
once I am into my second week, he arrives every day without fail with a bunch
of Orchids, the universal flower for love, beauty and innocence. And this
happens every day for a month. The colors always differ from pink, to blue, to
white, and these flowers are the only things that provide me some comfort with
their bright colors, and sweet perfume. The
s
entiment
warms my heart, well warms it to a lukewarm temperature.

Harper tries to cheer me up, and I wish I could fake more of a happy
response when I receive these flowers, but I just can’t. Only when he gives me
purple Hyacinth’s, am I certain the flowers will stop. Purple Hyacinth’s
represent regret, and typically when a bouquet is given, it is to express
sadness over a situation and ask for forgiveness. I never question why he is
asking for forgiveness because he has done nothing wrong.

Even though I never acknowledged him or his flowers, Harper still
visits every day, and after a while, his company is tolerable. He has stayed
with me every night, and rubbed my back or stroked my hair when I cried myself
to sleep. I don’t know what it is, but having him here seems to make each day a
teeny tiny bit more bearable.

When I stopped being a recluse 24/7, Harper manages to convince me
to take a brisk walk around the block at least twice a week. It is always too
bright and I always look a fright, but Harper doesn’t seem to care, and as much
as I hate to admit, he helps me get through each day by holding my hand, or
giving me a hug when I most need one. He does mundane things for me like
collect my mail, or goes to the grocery store. Harper has been my saviour, and
at times, he has helped me feel almost human again. I owe him.

Harper attempts, but fails miserably in encouraging me to indulge in
a bit of retail therapy. I secretly think he is sick of seeing me wear the same
sweatpants for a week. When I decline on every occasion, he then decides he
will bring the retail world to me, and lavishes me with expensive gifts of shoes
and clothes and accessories. I think he believes buying me these superficial
goods is going to cheer me up, but he is wrong. Nevertheless, I accept his
kindness and gifts with a half-smile, but I know I will never wear these
overpriced, pretentious clothes, and they are put to the back of my closest,
unworn.

V calls, explaining she is getting married to Lucas in eight weeks.
Her spontaneity does not shock me, nor does the short time frame she’s given
herself to get everything organized. When she asks me to be her Maid of Honor,
I accept tearfully. Validating that the reason for the quick wedding is because
she’s not knocked up, I tell her I will be there no matter what, and will jump
on the first plane as soon as I get organized.

I know why she is unsure if I would be in attendance or not. I’ve
told her about Jasper and I, and although she tries to subtly ask me about it,
I would be blunter than her on most occasions and hang up. Or if she got too
personal and asked questions I didn’t want to answer, I would go silent.

So here I am, lying on my lounge room floor with Too Sad to Cry by
Imelda May on repeat, pondering where to go to next. I have reached the fourth
month mark, or is it five, I’ve lost count, without a single word from him, and
I know it’s over-but I can’t accept it. As I am staring up at my ceiling, the
fan hypnotizing me with its spinning, I come to a decision, I need to call him.
Fuck acceptance. I’m not accepting jack shit until I hear him tell me he
doesn’t love me anymore.

Jumping up, the sudden movement spins my head slightly as I can’t
remember the last time I ate. Eating has been the least of my priorities during
these depressing endless months, and if it wasn’t for Harper, there wouldn’t
even be any food in my apartment. I only left my house to attend school and
work, and even then, I shuffled around like the living dead.

Scampering around the room in a desperate search for my iPhone, I
have to call Jasper, and I have to do it now before I chicken out. I can’t
remember when I had it last, so my searching includes raiding every room until
I discover its whereabouts.

Unbeknown to me, I have an audience.

“Lost something?” asks Harper, tossing keys onto the kitchen bench.

I don’t remember giving him a set of keys, but shrug it off as I have
other important matters to attend to.

“Have you seen my phone?” I huff a little out of breath from my
frantic searching.

“Your iPhone?”

Looking at Harper over my shoulder while tossing aside couch
cushions, he is uncharacteristically casual in his dark blue jeans and a purple
Ralph Lauren polo. His usual slicked hair is slightly unkempt, and he has a
cocky smile spread across his lips. I wonder why the hell he is grinning like
the Cheshire cat.

“Of course my iPhone. What other phone do I own?” I snap.

Harper shrugs, leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms and
ankles crossed.

“I replaced it with a Blackberry.”

“WHAT! When?” I yell, throwing a pillow at him in rage.

He ducks out of the way and scratches his chin in contemplation. “I
don’t know. A month ago.”

Before I can stop myself, I am racing towards him, fists clenched.
Jasper could have called during this time, and I have a glimmer of hope that
maybe, just maybe, this is the reason why I haven’t heard from him.

“How could you!”

He backs away, his hands up. “Whoa Ava, back up! What did I do
wrong?”

That stops my rampage as I slow down and sigh, defeated. “I would
have really appreciated you telling me this.”

“I did,” he answers quickly. “I plugged it into the wall to charge
it for you, and then I showed you how to use it.”

I stare at him likes he’s spoken to me in Russian. “You did?”

“Yes, I did,” he smirks placing his hands on my shoulders to calm me
down. “Why are you so upset?”

I haven’t gone into detail about my relationship with Jasper, but
Harper is finally aware of his existence, but that’s about it. He doesn’t know
the extent of our relationship, nor will he ever. It’s something private and a
fact I don’t want to share with my ex, especially because our breakup was
partly over him.

“I’m upset because I was expecting an important call,” I reply
rubbing my temples, feeling a steady headache approaching.

“Your new phone won’t affect that silly. I transferred all your
contacts and your number has remained the same.” He smiles, placing a hand over
mine to still my rubbing.

“Oh.” I frown, suddenly feeling extremely disappointed.

I lower my eyes and notice Harper holding a slim white envelope.

Nudging towards it with my chin, I ask, “Is that for me?”

Harper smiles and his bright blue eyes look over at the kitchen
bench. “Yup. I was going to put it with the other mail you have accumulating.”

Looking over his shoulder I gasp, as the pile is like a small
Leaning Tower of Pisa! I need to get my shit together.

He hands it to me, and I struggle to breathe when I see the writing
on the front. I have memorized that left handed script.

It’s from Jasper.

Snatching it out of Harper’s hands, I stare at it like I’m
hypnotized. I distantly hear him asking if I am okay, but I ignore him as I
turn my back, ripping open the seal with shaky fingers.

My eyes rake over his script, over and over again, and as I read his
words, I fall to pieces. This is what he has been waiting all these months to
tell me.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!

“Ava, what’s wrong? You’re shaking.”

I am aware of my hand trembling, but I can’t stop it. I violently
push past Harper, in hopes there may be other letters from Jasper because this
one surely can’t be real.

Throwing letter after letter over my shoulders, my search is futile
and reality kicks in.

“Ava, babe? Are you okay?” Harper asks, but I can’t speak.

I am broken.

Closing my eyes, a tear slips down my cheek, and I cup the unsteady
hand over my mouth, screaming into it silently. I stand this way minute upon
minute, the feeling of complete hopelessness swallowing me whole.

This final act has tipped me over the edge, and with nothing left to
lose, I spin around quickly, peering into Harper’s eyes.

“Yes.”

Harper cocks an eyebrow. “Yes? What do you mean yes?”

“Yes to your question.”

That grabs his attention as he stands tall, angling his head to one
side. “You’ll marry me?”

“Yes,” I whisper, and a flood of tears escape me.

I ignore the niggling feeling that he doesn’t look too surprised
that I finally accepted.

He lifts me off the ground, twirling me around in the air while
expressing his happiness. He mistakes my tears for happy ones.

As he is declaring his love for me, I can only think of one thing.

Jasper’s parting words to me:

Forget me, because I’ve forgotten you.