Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love) (10 page)

Chapter 18

Roxie

4 months later

It’s now the end of the semester. I’ve taken my finals and Cruz and I have been seeing each other on the daily. I haven’t told my mother and to keep questions at bay, Cruz moved into the hotel where we first we had sex…
Sex…
A hot, sweaty and sinfully good kind of sex. I want to call it making love. It seems like a scary thing to me though, maybe if I put it in such a category, he was liable to leave. When you love someone with all your heart, they usually end up hurting you. I want to believe differently about Cruz. I guess I would see.

Per our usual, I sat in Starbucks, having a Chai Tea Latte, waiting for Cruz to meet me. It’s sad how it’s the Starbucks in the next town. I’ve been telling my mom and Kathy that I was doing some extra studying for finals.
Yeah, I’m a coward.
I should just tell them I’m seeing Cruz and it how it has nothing at all to do with them and it never would. I just didn’t want the drama it would bring.

Cruz on the other hand, wants to just deal with it. I don’t blame him. We were sneaking around as if we were married and cheating on spouses. I told him eventually, we would. I need time to get to know him without the interference of my mother. I sigh. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

Cruz.

I paste a smile on my face.

Cruz leans over and kisses me softly, settling down with his Earl Grey tea and a chocolate croissant for us both.

“Thanks,” I say and I reach for the decadent delight.

“You’re welcome baby.” He says and settles across from me. “Now what’s the serious far off look about?”

I can’t lie to him. “The usual. I’m worried about my mother and everything else in general.”

“You know we can take care of that by just telling her. I mean she’s against it and we know that, so it’s not like it’ll be a shock that we can’t deal with.”

I huff. Then, I do something that I’m good at doing lately. I change the subject. “Did you get that magazine article finished?”

Cruz gives me a look that lets me know he knows what I’m doing. Thankfully, he goes along with it. “It’s done and sent to the editor.”

I nod my head.

He reaches over and takes one of my hands in his. He kisses the back of my hand and I melt.

I say something that even I didn’t expect, “Will you go with me to the cemetery? I want to put flowers on Macy’s gravesite and make sure it’s cleaned up.” I went every year on the anniversary of her death. I think it’s just me, trying to find some sort of closure. I think though it wouldn’t come until I read her journal. I still feel too scared. I know it would be a graduation of sorts. I keep carrying it with me now, just in case the time came when I needed to read it.

He doesn’t say anything at first.

I intend to say it’s okay…He didn’t
have
to go.

His next words stop me. “I hate cemeteries.”

I raise a brow and cross my arms over my chest, pursing my lips.

He holds up his hands and has this cute little grin on his face. “I hate cemeteries, but I’ll go with you. I know how much it means to you.”

He is a keeper. I know why he doesn’t like cemeteries. Too many of his buddies had been lost in the war and he’d gained a healthy revulsion to going. “Thank you Cruz. I think part of my issues stem from not knowing why Macy killed herself.” I say this part softly and slowly. I’m superstitious enough to worry if I say it out loud—something bad will happen.

“Maybe you should go ahead and read that diary you said she left.”

I told him about it a few days ago. The closer it gets to the anniversary of my sister’s death…the more shut off I become. I didn’t want him to think it was him making me act any certain kind of way. “I’m sure you’re right.” I sigh and pick up my drink, taking a sip. “I’m scared though.”

“Scared of what you might find?”

“Yes—very scared. I mean there could be some dark shit in those pages. She killed herself; she obviously couldn’t deal with it. Maybe I won’t be able to either and that worries me.”

“Baby, you’re twenty-five years old and taking care of a mother who still treats you like shit after all these years. You say she’s getting sicker every day?”

I nod. “The doctors are saying she’s getting worse and going downhill quickly. It could be any day now that I lose her.” As I sat there telling Cruz this, I tried to bring up sadness for her. I didn’t feel it. I do think because of all the years of abuse from her, she’s killed any of the love I once felt  for her. That alone, makes me want to run as far away as I possibly can.
How can I profess to be a loving person and not be able to love my mother?

My cell rings and I glance down at it, fighting the urge to say,
speak of the devil
. It’s Kathy and I’m sure there’s something she needs to tell me about my mom. “Hello?”

“Roxanne, this is Kathy.”

Ugh
…as if I didn’t know this because of the fact that she’s in my contacts. I didn’t say that to her though. I’m feeling bitchy. I just need to make sure I don’t show it. “Hi Kathy, is everything okay?”

“Your mother asked me to call to see when you’d be home.”

My hand clenches the phone and I count to ten before speaking. “I need time away Kathy. I’ll be home when I get home. I already told you two, that I’ll be spending the night with…Candy.”

“Your mother is here fighting for her life and all you can think about is you?” Kathy totally ignored what I said and went into her usual tirade. She
is
seriously, my mother’s minion.

“Okay, I’m going to hang up Kathy, before either of us says something that we shouldn’t. I’ll be home later.” I disconnect and put the cell on the table, closing my eyes I try to block the headache that’s coming.

“Let me guess…They’re trying to pressure you like they always do, to come home.”

It wasn’t really a question. Since the sneaking around, he’d noticed their antics.

“Yes.” Is all I say. What else is there to say? He’s going to tell me that if we tell them about us, they would stop. No—they won’t. They would find some way to tear us apart.

“You already know what I want to happen.” Cruz is fingering his dog tags.

I can’t meet his eyes. “Cruz, please. I’ve asked for some time. I need you to give that to me.”

“Right, and I agreed to give you some time, but it’s been four months. We’re still in that same holding pattern.”

God, I can hear the frustration in his voice. This is so hard for me. Call me stubborn, but I just don’t want my mother taking this from me too. Whenever some kind of happiness happens for me…my mother becomes like a plague. She consumes my happiness and spits it out, then it’s this twisted dead thing, lying at my feet.
God, I’m so dramatic.
Rolling my eyes at the phone, I gaze up at Cruz. “Four months of not worried that my mother will destroy us.”

“We’re grownups. We can live through whatever garbage your mom decides to dish out. I need you in my life
fully
. We still have issues we need to settle but this one can be settled, leaving us time to work on everything else.”

I put down the pastry. I did want to eat it before but with this kind of talk going on—all I want to do was curl up into a tight ball on  my bed and forget how a certain woman still has the power to make me act like a baby.
Damn.
“She’s a poison Cruz. I’ll make a deal with you. Let me have my time at Macy’s grave—and then we will go and speak to her.” It sounds like a perfect solution to me. I get time to figure out what I will say. I get to go to Macy’s grave and make peace. Then, maybe stall for a little bit more time, so I can keep my man.

“Cool.” He finishes off his pastry and then took a quick drink from his coffee.

He’s upset, I could tell. “Cruz—I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Part of me understands, the other part of me is just struggling with it, because I don’t like that we’re hiding our relationship.”

“My mother doesn’t want me to rent a room to you, let alone to see you”

“What can she do to me?

“Nothing at all.” I want to say,
but…
and it seems to be left hanging in the air 

Cruz grimaced. “But…?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Please tell me, you wouldn’t listen to her saying we aren’t supposed to be together!” He stands up so rapidly that his chair scrapes the floor and several pairs of eyes pin us with their stares.

“Cruz, please sit back down,” I plead with him. My reticence is hurting him I can see it clearly.

He clenches and unclenches his hands, and then sits back down.
“I need to hear you tell me that you’re not going to let your mother fuck us up.”

I can see that she’s already fucking us up. We were starting to argue about this, instead of being a united front. “I…” I swallow hard to push the words out, but I can’t. I watch him toss his napkin down and take another sip of coffee. The poison of my mother has already started. The infection would take over every part of my life.

Chapter 19

Cruz

I close my eyes and shake my head. This isn’t  good. “Don’t.” I say and stop her. “Let’s just finish this and get out of here.” I don’t want her to finish. If she does, it may be her telling me she doesn’t want to do this any longer. I keep pushing her and for what? This isn’t the first time we’ve had this sort of conversation. Some things are so deep…you can’t get out from under them.

“Cruz you’re angry. I don’t want to end a conversation with you upset.”

“There’s a lot of things we don’t want Roxie. I don’t want to continue to hide, you want to.”

“I understand that you’re upset. I said I’d tell her. I just need a bit more time to do so. Please? That’s all I’m asking and I will talk with her.”

I battle within myself whether I want to do this. I want her, I need her and I love her. Is that reason enough to torture us both? “So, you’re asking for two more weeks of hiding and then it will be over?” The date for her sister’s death was coming up in two weeks. Could I honestly last two more weeks?

She looks so scared and so down.

Yes, I could make more time.
Two more weeks is nothing. Two more weeks to be with her this way, and then the rest of our lives to be together without fear of reprisal. I’m convinced once she gets her mother out of her head, she’ll blossom and perhaps, she’ll opt for the things in this life that she really cares about.

“Yes.”

During this entire discussion, I hear the shakiness in her voice. I stand and reach for her hand. Her expression melts all the icy anger I’d been experiencing. I couldn’t stay angry with her for long. I’ve dealt with worse while in the military. I could take a little bit more of this.
I could.
“Come on, let’s get out of here. How about we go check out a movie or something?” I want to see her smile again.
My baby, the true reason I came back to town.
I have no family here anymore, so there wasn’t really any other reason for me to even be here. The only reason
is
Roxanne.

Roxie pulls out her cell again to look up movies. “The only thing that looks halfway decent is a scary movie. You know how I act at those. It starts in thirty minutes. We can make it if we leave now.”

I wiggle my brows at her and give her what I hope is a wicked smile. “Oh yeah, it’s what I’m hoping for. I suspect that afterwards, you’ll be all over me and later, needing me to cuddle and tuck you in.”

“Suspect?” She burst out laughing. “More like it is a given.”

“True that. There’s the smile I adore.”

Roxie takes my hand and we walk out, throwing or empties in the trash. We came in separate cars, so I give her a quick kiss before she strolls over to her car.

She looks at me over the roof of her car. “We’re heading to the theater on Vine and Columbia.”

“That’s a great theater. The seats are big enough, so we’ll almost be sitting together.”

“Okay, see you there babe.” She giggles again. “You do know that I’m going to be sleeping with you at your room tonight—right?”

“Oh, I am
so
counting on it.” She gets in and I head to my car. This will be fun. Maybe just maybe…I can relax and see her side a little bit better. I hate to fight with her just as much as she hates fighting with me. We can work this out. We had to. My dreams have even lessened since coming back to town and being with her. Soon, I think they’ll be gone fully. No doubt, I would probably always need some counseling, but who in this day and age didn’t?

Yeah, two more weeks, I can deal with two more weeks.
This would be cake. Right?

I head into traffic, so I can meet my baby at the movies. It’s a pretty evening and cloudless, so all the stars are shining bright. I glance in my rearview mirror before making a safe lane change. Traffic is light, so I would be at the theater in no time.

***

I think I’m losing him.
I know he agreed to give me time but I saw the pain in his eyes. One thing my mom loved to say to me is that sooner or later…everyone gets tired of me and doesn’t want me in their lives.
Is that what will happen with Cruz?

I glance in my rearview mirror and I see him a few cars back. It makes me laugh. Cruz drives like a speed demon sometimes. I left before he did and yet, he caught up with me. It’s going to be fun to go to the movies with him and tonight, I would spend the night as we’d planned. No matter what plans Kathy and my mother had—I wasn’t going to allow them to ruin tonight for me.

I arrive at the theater and find a spot in the back to wait patiently for Cruz. He isn’t far behind. Soon, I see him find a space and then get out. He walks towards me and I can’t help as always to notice his walk.

He’s so confident, with so much machismo.

“Mmm…come here boy,” I say to him.

He inches in close and tugs me forward.

We kiss and as always, it’s perfection.

It feels right, so it must be right, right?
Man, I swear I seem like an addict around him.
Never enough, never ever enough.
I’m so addicted…I need my Cruz Montoya fix every day.

“Come on; let’s get to the theater, so we can load up on buttered popcorn, Red Vines and M&M’s with a large soda.”

I laugh. He’s teasing me so everything has to be okay. “Don’t even act as if that’s just for me.” I say to him with my hands on my hips.

“You know it is.” He smirks.

I slap his arm and he wraps his free arm around my waist, then we fall into the same rhythmic walk together. Once again, I’m hit with the sensation that together we can do this. Nothing is going to stop us from being together and making it work.  His touch just does it for me. He can make me forget so easily. All I want to do is drown in him.
Is that too much to ask?
I don’t understand why my mother dislikes him so much. The more I think on it though, I don’t really think it has anything to do with Cruz. My mother has hated me since the day I was born. She didn’t want me happy. Anything that made me happy should be taken away.

Walking up to the window at the box office, I wait while he gets our tickets. I’m excited and I clap my hands as he heads back to me and we go inside to the concession stand. I swear this is always my favorite part. The candy, the drinks, and man even the hotdogs are delicious to me. I’m such a junk food junky.

Arms loaded with our booty, we head for our seats. This is one of the older theaters that only have the one movie playing. I don’t mind it at all, it’s less crowded and I wonder how long it will last because of competition with the bigger theaters. There are some others inside, but it’s really intimate.

Cruz walks all the way up to the top and he waits for me to pass him and settle where I want to, then sits next to me.

I reach into my purse and turn off my cell, shutting out the rest of the world. It’s only me and Cruz in this theater. Yeah, I’m silly, I’m blocking out the others as if they don’t exist. I dream of faraway places with him—anywhere that’s not here. I’ve been in this town way too long and never anywhere else.

Cruz always talks about the places he’s been because of the military.

One place I’d love to go would be Hawaii. I set my purse down and snuggle close to my man. I’m putting my mother and Kathy out of my mind. He passes me a Red Vine and all is right in my world.
Our world.