Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life (15 page)

ME: Gee, Brandon, I think we need to take things a bit slower. First, let’s get rid of the snotty napkin…ICK!! Second, how about pizza and a movie…?

THE END

Zoey said she didn’t blame me for rewriting Chloe’s happy ending, because snot and airborne bacterial particles were the most common way of transmitting germs to others.

But Chloe complained we both
TOTALLY
missed her point. The Napkin, germy or not, should be cherished because it was a token of Brandon’s love. And after reading
Twilight
, she had learned that forbidden love, obsession, and sacrifice could be very messy things. Just like snot.

I had to admit that Chloe had a really good point.

Then Zoey said I should always remember that guys are from Mars and girls are from Venus, because they think and communicate very differently, according to a book she was reading on dating. I was really surprised to hear this, because I thought for sure that Earth was the only planet with human life on it.

I’m really glad Chloe and Zoey know so much
about guys, dating, love, and stuff like that.

Because I don’t have a CLUE.

DUH!!

This is going to be my LONGEST diary entry EVER! I have the most horrible headache, and it’s all Brianna’s fault. Why, why, why couldn’t I have been born an ONLY child?!

Okay. This is what happened: My mom and Brianna were supposed to see a matinee movie today. But Mom needed to go to the mall to buy a present for a baby shower she was attending later this evening.

So she offered me $10 to take Brianna to the movie in her place. Since I was broke, I agreed to do it. I figured that, at the worst, I could sleep through the movie and earn $10 for a ninety-minute nap.

The movie was called
Princess Sugar Plum Saves Baby Unicorn Island! Part 3
. There must have been four hundred squealing little girls there, and half of them were dressed up like princesses and unicorns.

I should have charged my mom $50 for taking Brianna, because the whole event was so sugary sweet, it actually made me nauseous.

But Brianna thought the movie was superscary because there was a fairy in it. And she has this irrational fear that the tooth fairy is going to pull out all her teeth to make dentures for old people. I guess you could say she suffers from “fairy phobia.”

Anyway, Brianna practically drove me CRAZY, because every time the fairy appeared on the screen, she got really scared, grabbed my arm, and bumped my popcorn.

I must have dumped three whole boxes on the nice lady sitting next to me.

But when that nice lady looked like she was going to slug me, I decided it would be safer to eat Raisinets instead.

I was TOO happy when that stupid movie was finally over.

Brianna and I were waiting near the main entrance for Mom to pick us up. However, when I saw Dad pull up in his Maxwell’s Bug Extermination van, I got a really bad feeling. Although, that creepy-looking roach bolted to the top of his van gave
most
people a really bad feeling.

BTW, the roach’s name is Max (courtesy of Brianna, “because if I had a puppy, I’d name him Max”).

I was like, OH CRUD! If anyone from my school saw me getting into Dad’s van, my life would be over. I scanned the crowd for middle school kids, and
luckily, it was still mostly three-to six-year-olds. “Hi, girls, hop in! Your mom’s still shopping. I just got an emergency call, so you get to ride along to keep me company,” my dad said, winking.

I was like, “Um…thanks, Dad, but I have an awful lot of homework to do. So could you just drop me home first! PLEASE!” I was trying really hard to remain calm.

My dad glanced at his watch and frowned. “Sorry, but I don’t have time to swing by the house. This customer is hysterical and has agreed to pay my emergency rates. She’s hosting some kind of big shindig later today and says her house is crawling with bugs inside and out. Hundreds of ’em just showed up out of the blue this morning.”

“ICK!!” Brianna said, scrunching up her nose.

“Sounds like a box elder infestation to me.” Dad continued, “Hopefully, she’s not throwing that baby shower your mom is supposed to be attending later today.”

I grumpily climbed into the front seat of the van and tried to slouch down really low so no one could see me.

Whenever we stopped at a red light, a bunch of people would point, stare, and laugh. Not at me; at our roach.

For some reason, Brianna thought all the gawkers were just being friendly. So she started smiling, waving, and throwing kisses out the window like she had just been crowned Miss America or something.

And Dad was pretty used to all the rude stares. He just ignored them and hummed along to his
Saturday Night Fever
CD.

Thank goodness I noticed an empty grocery bag sticking out from under the seat.

Even though it said WARNING: TO AVOID SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH, PLEASE KEEP PLASTIC AWAY FROM VERY YOUNG CHILDREN! I poked two eye holes in it and pulled it down over my head.

First of all, I
WASN’T
a very young child.

And second of all, I’d rather suffer a slow and painful death by asphyxiation than be spotted riding around in the “roachmobile”!

I have to admit, we probably looked like a

FREAK SHOW ON WHEELS.

It was SO embarrassing!

I wondered how serious my injuries would be if I jumped from a moving vehicle traveling forty-five
miles per hour. Assuming I survived, I could at least walk home and end the humiliating ride in Dad’s van.

About ten minutes later, we drove up a long driveway that led to a huge house. Wow! Nice house, I thought. Too bad it has bugs!

Brianna stared at the house in awe. “Daddy, can I go inside with you? Pretty please!”

“Sorry, pumpkin, but you’ll have to wait out here in the van with your sister and make sure no one steals Max, okay?”

Like WHO in their right mind would want MAX?!

Two shiny black bugs about a half inch long landed on the window of our van.

“Yep! Box elders all right,” Dad said, eyeing them carefully. “Basically just a harmless eyesore. To spray the entire premises will probably take about twenty minutes. But I’ll try to get it done as fast as I can. If you girls need anything, I’ll be right inside.”

Dad unloaded his equipment and lugged it up the front steps. Before he could ring the doorbell, a frantic-looking middle-aged lady in designer clothing opened the door and ushered him in.

Brianna started to pout. “I wanna go in there with DAD!”

“NO! You’re supposed to stay here. And watch Max! Remember?” I said sternly.

Brianna wrinkled her nose at me.

“YOU watch Max! I gotta go to the bathroom!”

“Brianna, Dad will be back real soon. Can’t you just hold it a little longer?”

“NO! I gotta go NOOOWW!”

I was like, Just great! All of this drama for a measly $10.

“Okay, fine,” I said, finally giving in. “When we go
inside, don’t touch anything. Just use the bathroom and come right out, got that?”

“I wanna say hi to Dad too!”

“No! You’re gonna use the bathroom, and then we’re coming back to the van to wait for…”

Before I could finish my sentence, Brianna slid open the van door and dashed to the front steps.

By the time I caught up with her, she was already leaning on the doorbell. “Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-dong!”

The flustered-looking lady answered the door again and looked surprised to see Brianna and me.

“Um…I really apologize for disturbing you,” I stammered. “But we were out in the van waiting for our dad and—”

“Hey, lady! I gotta go PEEEEEEE!” Brianna interrupted.

Then she started squirming and making ugly faces for maximum dramatic effect.

The lady looked at Brianna, then at me, and then back at Brianna. She stretched her thin red lips into a strained smile.

“Oh! So your dad is our…exterminator. Sure,
honey, the bathroom is right this way. Follow me.”

The inside of the house looked like something out of one of my mom’s fancy home and garden magazines. We were headed down a hallway off the foyer when the lady stopped in her tracks.

“Oh, wait! There’s bug spray in all the bathrooms on the main floor. You’re going to have to use one upstairs. All of the bedrooms have an attached bathroom. I’d escort you myself, but my caterer is supposed to call me any minute now for a final head count.”

The telephone rang, and the lady gasped and rushed off, leaving us standing there. Brianna smiled and darted up the huge staircase ahead of me.

As she entered the first bedroom on the right, she squealed with glee, “Ooh! Pretty!”

It was decorated in shades of pink and had plush carpeting soft enough to sleep on. The laptop and big-screen TV were to die for. My entire bedroom
could fit into the walk-in closet. But, personally, it was a little too sugar-n-spice for my taste. Not that I was jealous or anything. Like how juvenile would THAT be?!

“Hey! Can I jump up and down on this princessy bed?!” Brianna asked.

ME AND BRIANNA IN TOTAL AWE OF THE FABULOUS BEDROOM!! (WHICH, BTW, TOOK ME LIKE FOREVER TO DRAW!!)

“NO!” I snapped. “Get down!”

It took all my willpower not to snoop. I wondered what school the girl attended and if we could ever be friends. I bet she had a perfect life. Unlike me.

Brianna skipped into the adjoining bathroom and locked the door behind her. “Wow, I’m gonna get a bathroom like this for my birthday!”

Soon, I heard the toilet flush. But after three minutes, she still had not come out.

“Brianna, hurry up!!” I shouted through the door.

“Wait, I’m still washing my hands really good with this strawberry soap, and then I’m going to put on some yummy-smelling cupcake body spray.”

“Come on. We have to go back to the van now.”

“Wait!! I’m almost done!”

Suddenly I heard a sickeningly familiar voice.

“But, Mommm! I CAN’T have my party with these horrible BUGS crawling all over! We should have had it at the country club like I wanted. This is totally YOUR fault!”

I almost wet my pants! It was MACKENZIE
!