Tangled in a Web of Lies (3 page)

“Doesn’t surprise me you hooked up with some freak who’s into that shit,” he says when I tell him about Odin. “You always were into weird shit.”

I smile because he is absolutely right. I have always been the deviant one. I just never saw it as a bad thing, and neither did Billy.

“Well I like you don’t I?” I mess with his ego.

“I see how it is! Be that color.”

The phrase
be that color,
is a phrase we made up in school. All our friends used it. I haven’t heard it in years.

“It’s been a long time since I heard anyone say that.”

“I bet it has,” he smiles.

Our time is up.

I hate having to leave, as we both stand up to say goodbye. That’s when I see them, two scars across both of his wrists. My heart sinks into my stomach. His arms reach around to hug me, and I melt a little. I hold him tightly for a few short seconds, clinging to him. I don’t know what to say, or if I should say anything. He’s trying to hide his depression the same way I’m trying to hide my secret. I wonder if he can tell.

“Until next time,” he whispers. I nod my head, buried in his chest, then I let go. I hope he can’t see how much I want to cry right now. Even I know how pathetic it is. The second he’s gone, I feel deflated and lifeless again. This is exactly why I have to stay away from Odin. I smoke a bowl in the prison parking lot, well aware of the danger, but careless of the consequences.

I see a sign with a woman laying in a giant margarita, advertising cheap booze and Mexican food on my way back to the hotel. I stop and eat my first solid meal in a couple days. Most women lose their appetite when they are upset, but me on the other hand, I could drowned my sorrows in food. I polish off a more than generous helping of nachos and three margaritas. I check my phone, and there are a ton of missed calls from Odin, but no messages. I pay my bill and head back to the hotel with a nice buzz.

I realize the margaritas were a little stronger than I thought, as I stumble my way out of the Mustang and into the hotel. The escalator opens on the 3
rd
floor, and I step wobbly into the hallway. When I turn the corner, my breath catches. Sitting in front of my room, is Odin. I’m not ready for this!

“What are you doing here?” I ask, my heart racing frantically, as though I’ve just been caught doing something bad.

“I tried calling. I just needed to see you, to know you were okay.” Odin stands up from the floor, and he looms over me. He looks like shit, dark circles under his eyes. The way he eyes me is scrutinizing. I feel nervous, anxious, and overwhelmingly sad all at the same time.

“As you can see, I’m fine.” I feel like a cold hard bitch, giving him the cold shoulder with no explanation.

“Are you? You’re fucking drunk! Drinking and driving, are you just trying to piss me off?”

“I’m not trying to do anything. I told you I wanted to be left alone. What are you doing here?”

“You want to tell me what the hell this is about?” The fear of having to visit Odin in prison drives me to be hurtful, just to get him to leave.

“It’s about you being an over bearing ass and me needing some space from you. How the hell did you know I was here?”

“I pay your credit card bill, remember?”

“Yes, I remember. It’s still a total violation of privacy to go snooping through my charges.” This is why I didn’t want him to pay my way in the first place, but he insisted, so he could have control. “And you wonder why I want a break? You tracked me all the way to Wyoming after I asked you for space!” I spit at him, but on the inside, I melt knowing that he was so worried about me that he came all this way. My heart aches for him. It’s hard to throw away someone who cares this much.

“Does this have anything to do with Jaime?”

“Yea it does. You can say you’re nothing like him, but I feel just as suffocated and used by you. You enjoy hurting me, deep down we both know it’s the truth. You might have a much more tactful way of going about it, but taking a beating is taking a beating I’ve got the scars on my back to prove it.”

I can tell by his body language that I’ve just stabbed him in the heart.

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“I don’t know! It doesn’t matter. Look, I just need to be on my own for a while. I’m fucking sick of being told what to do, and when to do it. Just, leave me the fuck alone. Okay!” It’s fucking excruciating pushing the only one who’s ever cared for me like Odin does, away. No one has ever made me feel as important as he does. Even now, standing here in front of me, he obviously cares, and he has no idea how much that means to me. He never will.

These last couple days I have been numb, trying not to feel any emotion but anger. The feelings I have for Odin, threaten to break through my protective layer of numbness.

The look on his face alone is enough to break me. I can feel his pain in my own chest. I force back tears, and seal my lips that are desperate to tell him that I love him. I would kill to be in his arms and feel his strength again. But I have to shut him out, embrace the emptiness inside me, and just be numb to it. There is no other way.

“Are you still in love with Billy?” Odin’s cold blue eyes beg me for an honest answer. I hadn’t expected him to ask that when I pictured this meeting. Then, I hadn’t accounted for him coming to Wyoming. I seize the opportunity to throw him off the trail of the truth, no matter the pain it will cause.

“Yes, I am. I always have been, and I think I always will be.”

He takes in a deep breath and clutches his chest, trying to hide the pain but I can see it plain as day. He wants to protest, but he’s so broken he can’t bring himself to do it.

“I think it’s best you go.” I force the words out, and then turn toward my door to unlock it, turning my back on the man I love the most.

“So that’s it then?” he asks once I’m standing inside. The sadness in his voice stabs me right in the heart, sinking deeper until it hooks my soul.
Anger. Feel anger. Not pain,
I remind myself. But I can’t do it, two tears roll down my cheek.

“I’m afraid it has to be, I’m sorry,” I say, with a steady voice, as if my heart isn’t shattering into a million pieces.

“Lila, wait,”

I let the door shut behind me, shutting him out with it. I can’t listen to him beg. I don’t want to see him hurt. I clutch my chest, and sink to the floor, leaning up against the closed door. I can hardly breathe. I gasp for air silently, holding to the numbness that threatens to consume me, but the tears break through. The way they tingle down my cheek sends me into a rage. I don’t want to cry, I want to fucking hurt someone! I rush to the bed, muffling my face with a pillow I scream my fucking heart out.

I throw the pillow against the wall as hard as I can, and continue on a war path through the hotel room, throwing everything in sight that isn’t bolted down. I slam my fist against the wall, welcoming the pain that grips my knuckles as they crash against the hard surface a few more times.

Then a tear slips down my cheek, one frustrated, angry tear that I quickly shove away. I pick up the dining chairs and heave them across the room, then rip apart the dresser drawers slamming each one on the floor. I don’t give a fuck. Hauling myself to the bathroom, I swallow 3 more valium. I sit on the toilet digging at my skin, feeling myself go crazy until I pass out.

Dreams of the happier time with Odin at the county faire in August play in my head. We rode out on his motorcycle along with Cole and Keila, and Damien and his new girlfriend, Ashley. It was a great day. We rode all the rides, some twice. Odin won me a giant stuffed

alligator playing ring toss, and a Bettie Paige poster at the dart throwing game. It felt so good to just be a normal couple. It reminded me of the earlier days with Jaime, before he was too wrapped up in his bull shit to take me out for fun.

That night at the faire, Linkin Park had been the headliner band. We all waited in line drinking beers till the gates opened. We held hands and rushed in to get a spot close to the stage. Odin hoisted me up onto his shoulders, something Jaime had never really had the strength to do. I towered over everyone, with my own personal view of the band. Keila sat next to me on top of Cole, and we held hands laughing like love struck high school girls. For a moment, life was simple.

Devil’s Cut

Odin is fuming, hurt and angry at himself for ever letting Lila in, as he storms out of the Hotel in Porterville. He’s been losing sleep the last few days, worrying about Lila. When he made it back to Santa Monica on Tuesday, she was gone. He stayed at her house all night, and fell asleep on her couch waiting for her, exhausted from his drive home. When she never came home, he went into a panic mode, sure that something bad had happened to her.

Had Jaime gotten to her? Did he scare her? Did he have her now? Or could it be that she had finally realized he was no good for her? Was she running from him?

He turned to her online credit card statement as an act of desperation. If she’d used it, it meant most likely that she wasn’t taken, maybe it would shed some light as to whether or not she was running from him.

Odin’s heart sank when he discovered that Lila had rented a room in Porterville, Wyoming. He knew she’d gone to see her ex lover, Billy. Odin always knew in the back of his mind that Lila still had deep feelings for Billy, though she never admitted it. Letters from Billy, or lack of contact from Billy always affected her mood. When Billy called her, Odin witnessed the smile in her eyes while she talked to him.

The fact that she was there, could really only mean one thing, she was trying to get away from him. But still he had to know for sure. She wouldn’t answer his calls. He had to see her. The whole drive to Wyoming he kept thinking that maybe once face to face, she’d change her mind, or at least have some magical explanation for all this.

But now he’s headed back home, even more confused. He still can’t fight the feeling that something happened, something is off. She’s still wearing his necklace. Did she just forget, or does it mean she still has feelings for him?

She said she loved Billy, that’s what hurts the most. He can’t even bring himself to blame her. He never should have let her get this close. No girl wants to be with some twisted fuck up like him.

He always envied the fact that Lila was able to not let her past define who she was. She never let herself be a victim, even after the things she went through in Christian school and being married to Jaime. She didn’t live in fear, and it amazed him. He’d never been able to let go of the guilt of his past. It dictated him, and crippled him into thinking he was worthless. In his heart, he felt like he deserved to be alone. But still he’d allowed himself to put his hope into Lila. She made it seem like nothing from his past mattered. After all the horrors he’d revealed to her about himself, she told him she loved him, and he believed her.
Fucking idiot.

Now, she says she loves someone else. It crushes him. Odin lays his foot down on the gas, and tries to feel anger instead of hurt. His jaw clenches tightly, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him while he blares Disturbed –
Down With the Sickness
through the speakers of his truck.

***   

When I wake up Friday morning, I’m still curled into a ball on the cold bathroom floor. I pick myself up, and will myself to move forward, even though I feel like I have nothing to live for. I take two more valium from the bottle in my suitcase, and then sit in an overstuffed chair by the window.

I flip through the pictures on my phone, pulling up one of Odin casually sitting at a bistro table down town. He’s wearing a plain black t-shirt, and a black beanie on his head. He didn’t even know I was taking his picture, and he was starring down at his own phone in his lap. His square sunglasses hide most of his face, but his handsome jaw covered in light blond morning stubble is grinning boyishly.

The next picture I scroll to was taken solely for my viewing pleasure. Odin is sitting in his band room with his red guitar. His black denim button up is only buttoned mid way, exposing his perfect chest. His blond hair is groomed, parted at the side so that his bangs are all pushed over his head, and falling in front of his face. His pale blue eyes are soft and endearing, stealing my heart as they gaze back at me. Not mine, not anymore.

I hope, one day, I will be able to move passed all the things that Jaime and Rick did to me. I’ve overcome abuse before.  It’s part of my strong nature. But I don’t think I will ever get over Odin. No one will ever be able to fill his shoes. He introduced me to a whole new way of life. He taught me about the freedom found in submission. He taught me to let go, and embrace what really mattered. The things we did together brought an even greater rush than any of the partying Jaime and I had ever done.

Odin cared about me, and was there for me in every way a person can be. He made me feel secure for the first time in my life. I can’t bear to imagine this world without him in it. His loss hurts worse than any of the physical things Jaime did.

Anger and sadness make up the new familiar cloud in my head. I take my phone, bearing the picture of Odin and hold it to my heart, fighting back a river of tears.

Then finally, the valium starts kicking in, and I struggle to keep my eyes open. I crawl into the bed, and huddle under the covers letting the hurt seep out as I drift to sleep.

I awake again late Friday night with a totally different mindset. I have a lot I need to accomplish before escrow on my house closes, and I need to get back to work and figure out what I’m going to do. I start writing out a to do list of all the things I need to do during tomorrow’s business hours, hoping I can get a hold of a moving company on a Saturday. I just have to move forward, I can’t stay in this place or it will kill me.
One step at a time.

I’m up until about 4a.m. surfing the internet for moving companies and listening to music. I try to pick songs that help me feel more courageous, like
Headstrong
, by Trapt. While online, I curiously search women’s support groups in Los Angeles, just to see what pops up. There are a lot of them in and around L.A. and two of them are in West Covina. I save the info to my laptop before I decide to turn in for the night.

Despite my lack of sleep, I feel wide awake at 10a.m. I sip back a cup of coffee and begin making calls. I start first with Gus, to see when I can move in. He seems happy that I’m taking him up on his offer, and tells me all about the condo’s amenities. I’m stoked that there is a pool, sunbathing is great therapy in itself. Gus tells me there is a one bedroom with a loft open and ready now, and asks if I’d like to come see it.

“I’m sure it will be fine. I waited so long to finally get on finding a place, that now I’m rushing to get it all done so I can close on my house,” I tell him.

Gus is a very nice guy, and he offers me my first month free and says I can have the keys as soon as I give him the deposit.

“How is your sister?”

His question has me at a loss for a minute, until I remember I told him I was out of town helping my sister through emergency surgery.

“She’s doing good. I think I’m actually going to head back to town this weekend.” I lie about a sister I don’t actually have.

“Well I’m going to be at the condos all evening tomorrow, painting once it cools down. If you’re in town by then, stop by.”

“I most likely will. Thanks again Gus, I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t mention it. Can’t wait to have you back,” he says just before he hangs up the phone.

I’m able to get a moving crew to come out on Monday. After that I go about calling the utility companies to have my bills placed back in my name and moved. Next I contact my credit card agencies to do the same. Once my to-do list is as accomplished as it can be, and all my stuff is packed neatly back into my suitcases, I decide to spend the rest of Saturday at the pool. September is not a tourist month, and the hotel is mostly empty, including the pool and spa.

It strikes me as strange that while the pool is indoors, there is artificial grass on the floors, and picnic tables complete with umbrellas.
Guess you have to watch out for all the UV rays you might never actually come in contact with.

I fall asleep watching TV, which is something I never could do before. I’ve always found it hard to sleep with mindless chatter and lights in the background. But the noise is welcome now, it makes me feel less alone. After a few hits of pot, I drift to sleep glancing at Odin’s picture on my phone one last time before I close my eyes.

I get up early Sunday morning and pack all my stuff into my car before checking out of the hotel. I gas up and grab breakfast in Porterville, and then hit the road, taking my sweet ass time getting back to California. Every inch closer, I fight with my nerves. I’m afraid of seeing Jaime. I have a feeling if I do, he’s going to act like nothing ever happened. Can I bring myself to do the same?
Fuck no.

Part of me still can’t believe the man I married could do this to me. But then again, it was that dark part of him that drew me to him in the first place. Knowing what he was capable of only fed my infatuation. It seems stupid now, like owning a poisonous snake because it seems cool. And it is, until you get bit. I should never have gotten involved with a monster like him.

Just the thought of his evil smile is enough to make my hands shake. I take a few deep breaths, trying to imagine Billy at my left side and Odin at my right. It calms me a little but I still get anxious watching the miles between me and home dwindle down.

Trying to ease my nerves, I play the mixed CD that Odin made for me.
Living Dead Girl
fills the Mustang, buzzing loudly through the speakers. Knowing who compiled these songs makes each one of them special. But Track 4 hits me hard, making my eyes well with unwanted tears as the lyrics to
Wake Up
by Three Days Grace sink into my heart.

Wake up, I’m pounding on the door, I won’t hurt you anymore. Where the hell are you, when I need you?

I picture Odin standing in the hallway of the hotel, and the anguish in his eyes when I told him I loved Billy.
Feel Anger not pain
. I may need to get these words tattooed on my forearm where I can see it constantly.

I drive into West Covina around 7:30pm and meet Gus at the condo. They are really nice looking, well landscaped, and the pool area is decorated with palm trees, and cozy looking lounge chairs. There are 20 units total. Gus says he owns 6 of them. Monica, who also works at the Elk Lodge, rents one of them. He shows me into an empty one bedroom unit that has its own single car garage attached to it. The bedroom is large and has a walk in closet, and the living room is also spacious. The kitchen is smaller, and the floor extends to a small dining area. The bathroom has all new cupboards, and a fiber glass standing shower, but no tub. Okay, I guess I will miss my house a little. I guess I don’t need a tub since there is a Jacuzzi attached to the pool.

Gus also shows me a cute little patio, partially in the shade that connects to the kitchen.  It’ll be a nice area for my porch swing. Lastly he tells me that there are washer and dryer hook ups in the garage, and there is also a laundromat just across the street. If Jaime hasn’t already taken the washer and dryer from our house, I will.

“Everything looks great. I wasn’t able to get to the bank ‘cause it’s Sunday. Would it be okay to write you a check for the deposit?” I ask.

“Sure.” Gus digs in his pocket for the keys to the condo while I pull out my checkbook from my purse and write him a check. He hands me a walk through, and I sign the lease.

Once we’re finished I grab a bite to eat, and then head back to the condo, parking in my new garage for the first time. I unload the things from the Mustang into the living room after eating Chinese takeout. Luckily the living room has plush white carpet that I chose to sleep on with the pillow and blanket I had brought to Wyoming. I’m afraid to go home. I’m scared Jaime will be there. At least tomorrow I will have movers with me.

Thanks to all the driving, I fall asleep on the floor easily. But I don’t sleep long…

Rick’s knees are grinding into the muscles in my arms. It hurts, almost as much as the burning between my legs.

“I bet you fucking like that you Whore!” his voice spits out. “I bet you fucking like that.” He repeats over and over. My eyes are shut tight, and my head jerks from side to side.
No! I hate it! I hate it. Get the fuck off!

I wake up with a sudden jolt, tears flooding my eyes. I sit up shaking for a moment, unable to go back to sleep. All this time I’ve been fighting these tears, and they’ve snuck up on me in my sleep. I had vowed to myself I’d never again cry over Jaime Mosley, now I lay in here, angry with myself.

It’s almost 5:30 in the morning. I give up trying to sleep without Valium, filled with anxiety about going back to the house tomorrow. I can’t afford the sleep induced coma with the busy day of moving I have ahead of me so I don’t want to swallow more pills. It’s not a permanent fix and I know that. But it’s an easy band aid. Instead, I take myself out for an early cup of coffee, and then walk around my new neighborhood for a few hours until I have to meet the movers at 10. It’s weird being in a new place. The street names aren’t familiar and I don’t know what will be around each corner.

I pull up to the house, trying to give myself a pep talk.
You can do this. Fuck Jaime, don’t let him scare you.
The first thing to catch my eye is a bouquet of roses on the front porch. They look a bit wilted as I walk toward them. The little card is also faded, probably because it got wet over night.