Teaching Kids to Think (19 page)

C
HAPTER
8

The Trouble with Technology

Video Games, Social Networking, and Television

A couple came into the office concerned about the amount of time their nine-year-old son was spending playing video games. Once I got more details I realized it wasn't only the amount of time he was playing, but how disconnected he became when playing. His parents said he could lose track of hours without even being aware of it, and when they tried to talk to him, he couldn't pull away.

—Dr. Darlene

Electronic devices are infused into children's lives more than ever before, and it is often to the detriment of interpersonal interaction. When children have unstructured time, their immediate response is to fill that time by using an electronic device. We see it all the time—children in shopping carts, riding in cars, and waiting for a table at a restaurant are interacting with a handheld video game, a smartphone, or tablet to pass the time.

Kids today simply can't wait without being distracted. Electronics suit the Instant Gratification Generation's lifestyle perfectly because they provide instantaneous and very stimulating feedback. One downside is that there is a total lack of conventional communication with another person. When they are focused on the electronic device they are not making eye contact, engaged in discussion, or connecting to others.

Video Games

Parents often tell us they allow their kids to play video games, because it's a way to give kids “downtime” and encourage independent play. Indeed, video games are one of the most common topics about which parents ask us. Should kids be allowed to play first-person-shooter games? Is online gaming safe? What are reasonable limits and how much is too much? Research suggests that today's kids spend almost twice as much time playing video games as they do reading.
¹

To be honest, there are no great broad sweeping answers to these questions, but in the following section we will try to put many of the most important issues into perspective, including how much is too much, what types of games are okay to play, and what to do about online gaming. The guidelines we give are all about balance. The following example is the plan one family developed to provide balance for their children.

A family I work with came up with a creative approach to deciding how much time their sons could play video games. They call it “Level Up,” and it is a form of goal setting. The kids set their own goals in each video game in terms of levels, accomplishments, or ranks that they hope to reach, and they set a time limit to achieve results. They earn gaming time by meeting their goals and must stop when they are unable to “Level Up” in a reasonable amount of time. It takes video games to a different level when they are being played with a purpose rather than as an escape. What a great way to teach kids how to set reasonable goals and reap the benefits for meeting them. Plus, it relates their interaction with the electronic device back to social accountability. I love it when families come up with creative ways to teach a lesson through a fun activity like video game playing.

—Dr. Ron

How Much Is Too Much?

When parents ask us about an appropriate amount of time for video games, the first issue we consider is often use of time: “What would the child be doing if she weren't playing video games?” As you might imagine, if the neighborhood kids are in their driveways shooting baskets or at a nearby park kicking a ball around, then we think in most instances children are better served being physically and socially active. Unstructured play with friends provides many different chances to practice their social skills. Missing an opportunity to practice every now and then isn't problematic, but when it becomes the standard, there is potential for difficulties down the road. One lesson we learned in
chapter 5
was that if children don't routinely practice these skills, they lose them and fail to develop executive functioning.

When the video games are an escape from the pressure of interacting with others, it can become a problem. Video games are especially attractive to kids who struggle with social skills and “playing” with other kids their age. We find that kids with this anxiety are particularly drawn to video games, because that electronic environment imposes almost no social demands and they feel a sense of relief. While video games enable children to feel a temporary reprieve, it can be the start of a vicious cycle where alienation from the social demands of being with peers is relieved by isolating oneself through game playing. That sense of escapism can be very rewarding and perpetuate the cycle of it happening again and again.

Video games also engage children in a manner that is very stimulating and difficult to walk away from, especially if they are a bit uncomfortable interacting with their peers. For some kids it feels really good to tune everything out for a few hours. Take, for example, children who are shy and struggle in school. The six or seven hours a day they are in school are filled with anxiety and hard work, so an opportunity to escape is very enticing. For other kids, the action, sound, and pace of the game is very stimulating and exciting. In both instances kids can become resistant to leaving the game. Parents will know it has become a problem when their child becomes so consumed in the game that he reacts with anger and outbursts when asked to stop playing. These types of reactions are a huge red flag that the child is out of touch with his social environment and adult intervention is required.

Kids in this generation are so programmed for instant gratification that they can't delay progress to the next stage of the game until the next day, and some games lack a pause button that would at least allow them to delay their progress. They want it
now
and can panic if they aren't allowed to keep going. In addition, this pattern is worrisome because not only are they consumed by instant gratification, but they are also not able to deal with the boundaries around video game playing. Playing games as a way of winding down or relaxing is one thing, but playing to frequently escape from the demands of life is concerning. Parents will know it is time to impose structured rules and limits around video game playing when their child:

An equally important issue to address when considering how much is too much is the social context of the electronic world of gaming (i.e., “Who else is playing?”). Is there a big group of kids getting together to play and have a tournament? Are kids coming over to the house to play with your child? Are they playing online with friends from school? Does the game put the child in touch with or expose her to total strangers from around the world? These are the kinds of questions that help us gather information on which to formulate feedback for parents. In our neighborhood, there have been occasions where ten to fifteen kids would meet in someone's garage for a tournament. One night they had four TVs linked together and sixteen kids split into two teams were simultaneously playing a single game against each other. That seems like a great use of video games because it promoted face-to-face interaction and prevents the children from losing touch with the world outside their video game world.

Video games can be used as a way to practice interacting and communicating. We believe in
practice
. Playing video games alone as an escape does not provide practice. However, playing video games together with a friend can. For kids who feel social anxiety, expecting them to join ten other kids in a neighbor's garage might be asking too much, but having a single friend over to the house to play video games together and eat chocolate chip cookies might meet the needs of the child and the parent. Who doesn't want to practice eating cookies with a friend? When the video games are “what” the kids are playing together, the situation is similar to playing anything else with friends. The video game serves as an electronic version of a board game. Only when the video game makes the child lose sight of his interactions with other kids does this type of play become counterproductive.

Online Gaming

Another important factor to consider with video games is the possibility of online friendships. Some online games involve large groups of people from all over the world coming together to play a single game or to form teams to compete against other teams, known as “massively multiplayer online games” (MMOGs). It is common to make friends with some of these online gamers, especially if they like to play the same games. A child sitting alone in front of a television or video screen may actually be interacting through a headset and microphone with dozens of people from around the globe.

Coming from a generation where no such thing existed (we did have pen pals), it is hard for most parents to equate an online friend with a “real” friend. In many ways, technology makes it easy to avoid the complexity of the real world. However, practicing social skills with a friend via an online video game might actually be providing practice with communication, negotiation, and planning, which are skills that can be transferred to in-person social interactions. A recent study conducted by Hilary Buff Greenwood found that for the kids who struggle making and maintaining friends the old-fashioned way, having online friends provides a great deal of self-esteem and normalcy for them.
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Her results remind us that simply being able to say you have a friend—even an online friend—is better than the alternative. Every child benefits from a best friend, and if it's difficult for him to make one in person, having one online can lend comfort and a sense of being normal.

What really is a best friend? At its simplest, a best friend is someone you really like to spend time with who has interests similar to yours. If a video game can open up avenues for a socially anxious child to interact online with others and practice some aspect of social skills, it can be a useful tool.

Remember, when we provide guidelines to parents, it is about balance. The same holds true for online friendships. Parents need to be very aware that video gaming does not replace real-life interactions with people. Instead, online friendships should be seen as initial practice to making friends. Then it can be a comfortable way to maintain social connections for small periods of time, but with a move toward more in-person interactions.