Read Teaching Kids to Think Online
Authors: Darlene Sweetland
Teaching Kids to Think (6 page)
Watch from Afar
If you are feeling anxious about letting your child experience a new situation, you can always monitor from a distance. Watch from across the room as your child navigates his way to the restroom, or let him walk the last two blocks to school alone (you can even monitor from your car), or sit across the park as he plays with the other children. But remember, watch from afar and don't meddle in the challenges that may arise. If your child gets lost, watch and see how he figures out how to find you before you step in. This requires patience, but as you watch your child figure out what to do, maybe you will also develop more confidence in him. Even though it is difficult, as long as the child is safe, don't jump in to help.
The Different Ways Parents Rescue Children
When parents rescue their children, they prevent their children from figuring out how to solve problems. Problem solving takes practice, and the best practice comes from opportunities they encounter in daily life. From infancy to preschool to middle school and beyond, each of these stages poses new challenges for children and parents alike. With each challenge, children face new and often uncomfortable situations, and there is the temptation for parents to rescue them.
The Skill Rescue
The “skill rescue” can begin at a very young age and happens when parents jump in to do a task for their children rather than allowing them to struggle through it until they learn how. When you see your toddler struggling to put on a shoe, it may be tempting to do it for her, particularly when you are in a hurry or late for an appointment. This can then extend to the preschool child who didn't finish the art projectâperhaps you just need to add that last finishing touch. This is how the pattern of rescuing children begins.
Before children even begin school, they have many natural opportunities for developing confidence in trying to do new things. As infants, children learn self-help skills (such as feeding themselves). As toddlers, they learn to dress themselves and how to wash their hands, as well as social skills (making eye contact, sharing, maintaining two-way conversations) and problem-solving skills (pretend play, puzzles, exploration) on a daily basis. These are opportunities for them to learn through the natural environment. Jean Piaget, a leading theorist on human development, describes children at this age as “little scientists,” actively exploring and trying to make sense of their environment.
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At about third or fourth grade, a child's responsibilities begin to change and his school schedule becomes more structured. Because of these changes, the opportunity for natural skill building decreases. The challenges also become more difficult, and the pressure to rescue your child grows stronger. Therefore, take advantage of these early opportunities that, to children, come naturally.
One reason we wrote this book is because we recognized these temptations and realized we too constantly have to check ourselves. Watching your child struggle in any way is hard (when it is not amusing). The temptation is so strong to stop the struggle, but we also realize that, in doing so, we prevent our children from developing skills that are going to be essential as they grow up. One way to monitor your impulse to rescue your children is to make a rule to observe them for five to ten seconds before deciding whether to help. And remember, every time you see your children being challenged, stand back and recognize that it is a learning opportunity that will teach essential skills that they will use throughout life.
Replace Missed Opportunities
Families are busy, and there are times when waiting for a toddler to dress herself, a child to make her own lunch, or a teen to finish his laundry is not an option because the family is late and has somewhere to be. These things happen sometimes, and it's OK. Parents just need to be aware of missed opportunities so they can practice these skills at another time and provide new opportunities for their children to develop.
For example, in a family of four, mornings may be chaotic. Bobby, a toddler, rarely has the opportunity to dress himself. To create a new opportunity to learn this skill, Bobby's parents allow him to dress for bed at night or on weekends.
The Social Rescue
We can all agree that we want our children to have healthy friendships and be well liked by their peers. Parents remember the ups and downs of their own friendships when they were children. They also remember how much it hurt when they did not feel socially accepted. Therefore, it is very easy for them to empathize with their children as they experience the same trials and tribulations of confusing social dynamics and want to protect them.
Some lucky kids are born socially gifted, and the art of making friends comes naturally to them with almost no effort. Most kids are in a different category and have to work at least a little to make friends. Learning how to interact with people is a skill that can be learned and practiced. However, often children don't get the opportunity to practice these skills without parental interference. The social rescue occurs when well-intentioned parents impact the opportunity for their children to practice and to work things out for themselves.
A parent of a high school student shared with me that she had heard that her son's friends were making fun of him for his choice of girlfriend. The boy was pretty broken up about his loyalties and torn between his friends and his girlfriend. By all accounts, the girl in question was smart, sweet, attractive, and from a great family. The parent was so concerned that she called the parents of the other boys to ask them to have their children apologize for making her son so uncomfortable and to stop their teasing. She also wanted the fellow parents, and me, to keep this secret so her son wouldn't be even more upset.
âDr. Ron
In the previous example, the boy needed to deal with a fairly common social issue (teasing), but instead of solving the problem himself, his mother did it for him. His approach may not have been the same as his parent's and it may not have resulted in the outcome he wanted, but that is OK. As we stated previously in this chapter, kids learn the best through practice. With practice comes the opportunity to learn problem-solving skills and build self-esteem. By dealing with social dilemmas on their own, children and teens learn they can deal with a problem independently when one arises in the future.
Support Opportunities to Practice Social Skills
Children need the opportunity to practice social skills. Yet some kids don't know how to make those opportunities for themselves. Parents can help with this. What follows are some age-based interventions that can help children socially and promote independence.
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Preschool:
Parents of preschool children need to be the ones to plan the playdates and group activities. The more the merrier, but make sure your children have some downtime in their schedule too. Give your children some options of activities available to them (art activity, backyard play, go to the park, etc.). Several options can be made available, and your children can choose if they want to do one of them, none of them, or morph them together in some creative way.
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Elementary school:
When your children are at this age, you can help them set up playdates on their own by providing them with parameters. For example, you can say, “This week you can have a friend over Monday or Thursday after school until five o'clock.” Have healthy but popular snacks on hand and fun games to play and offer to pick up the kids and drive them home. It's fine to help get the kids to your house, but then give them some space to practice social skills and play on their own. You know your children the best, so if making conversation causes a lot of anxiety, your children may do better with something structured to start the playdateâfor example, inviting a friend to a movie or over to play the new video game.
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Middle and high school:
When your children are at this age, you should be paying attention to their social issues. A good way to stay involved is to ask questions. For example, if it seems like your child is struggling to make friends, ask her about things she has done to be more connected to her peers. Sometimes giving your child an opportunity to talk things out with you is enough, while other times your child may need a little more support. Resist the temptation to “fix” things, but feel free to help. If your child is reluctant to call a friend to hang out, it can help to provide your child with something specific to call about (e.g., going to the football game together, going to a movie, or checking out a viral YouTube video). In this generation, text messaging can be really helpful for kids who are nervous picking up the phone and making a call. Texting can be a great way for them to develop comfort with organizing activities. After a couple of times communicating through text, encourage them to call those friends directly and practice direct communication so that they don't become reliant on texting.
The Academic Rescue
The academic rescue occurs when parents work harder than their children for good grades. It starts in elementary school with micromanaging their children's projects and assignments and continues all the way to high school, where some parents actually do their child's work for him or her. One reason for this is because some adults simply place more value on grades than many children do. Parents see grades as the key to better teachers, higher self-esteem, honors classes in high school, and ultimately, acceptance at a great college. While these things may be true, if the parent is the one earning the grade, then honors classes and an Ivy League school may not be in their child's best interest. If you find yourself getting overinvolved in your child's schoolwork, ask yourself how much of your motivation is to protect the all-important grade.
With the Instant Gratification Generation, the academic rescue is made even easier with the introduction of the cell phone. With the touch of a button, moms or dads are available at all times to save the day and kids come to expect it. If children don't think they have to solve their own problems, they will defer to a parent every time, and texting makes it even easier. Children and teens don't need to wait and think of the possible options available to them. Instead, they can reach their parents on their cell phone and get the solution instantly. The following are real examples from parents who have shared their experiences with us.
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“Mom, I forgot my paper. It is due today. Can you bring it to the school?”
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“Dad, I need you to bring me my track shoes for practice after school.”
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“Mom, my shorts don't meet dress code. Can you bring me new ones because they are going to make me wear my PE clothes?”
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“Dad, I need to finish an art project, and I need to have paints, poster board, and glue. It is due tomorrow.”
People process information more fully if it is meaningful to them. Think about every time you ask your child to pick his towel off the floor after a shower. If every time you see the towel on the floor you say, “You need to hang up the towel,” and then put it on the hook yourself, your child is not likely to ever do it. He probably isn't avoiding the task out of disrespect but because he doesn't remember to do it. Now what if you said he could not have a playdate, go out with friends, or play with his favorite electronics every time he left a towel on the floor? Next time, he will pick it up because by communicating the consequences (and following through), you have made the request more meaningful and memorable to him. Experiences are much more memorable than words. When your child forgets to fulfill a responsibility (to turn in homework, bring in money for a field trip, wash PE clothes, let you know about something he needs for an activity, etc.), allowing your child to experience the consequences will make a stronger impact.
There was a fifth-grade field trip for an overnight stay on an aircraft carrier, but the spaces were limited and it was first come, first served. A mother shared that she gave her daughter the paperwork to turn in and that it was her responsibility to set her alarm and be ready to go to school early if she really wanted to go on the field trip. If she forgot or didn't get herself up early, she could turn it in when she wanted but would need to experience the chance there were no spaces left.
âDr. Ron
Putting It All Together
The Issue
Parents hate seeing their children upset or anxious. They want to do everything they can to prevent them from having a negative experience.
The Trap
Parents have the ability to solve many of their children's problems easily and quickly. This solves the problems with fewer tears, arguments, and possibly a more positive outcome. But remember, this deprives them of essential practice.
The Alternative
Resist the temptation to rescue children and teens. Allow them to come up with the solutions to resolve problems.
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Make waiting the rule, not the exception. Begin this expectation when they are young. When your toddler, child, or teen makes a request, take your time in responding to the request. Adjust the wait time depending on the age of the child.
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Find regular opportunities for your children to do things on their own without your assistance.
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Allow children to grapple with finding the solutions to problems. Be available as a sounding board, but don't jump in to offer the easy answer. And don't rework their solution if it is not perfect. It probably won't be, and that's OK.
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Let children take chances. As long as personal safety isn't involved, one of the best ways to learn about problem solving is to get experience doing it.
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Ask questions after the fact. Feel free to go over what happened and ask what they might do differently next time.
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Allow children to experience natural consequences to their actions and choices. Experiencing the consequences will be memorable and is what will encourage them to do it differently the next time.
