Teaching Kids to Think (7 page)

C
HAPTER
3

Make No Mistake about It

Everyone Makes Mistakes

I will never forget the third session I had with a mother of a two-year-old toddler. She and her husband sought help with coparenting their daughter. On the third session, her husband was late, and I had thirty minutes with her alone. She was following a week of minimal sleep (her daughter was still not sleeping through the night) and she was feeling very fragile. Five minutes into the session, she disclosed that there were times when she wanted to get in her car and drive to a faraway location without her cell phone. She then looked up mortified that she shared this secret. When I shared with her that this is a common thought among parents, she went on to describe a significant period of postpartum depression that she never told anyone about. She said it was a time that she was supposed to cherish with her daughter and that she must have been doing something wrong because she did not feel the “bliss” that every one of her friends described. After the first year, her feelings of depression went away, but she was plagued with guilt. She shared that she has felt so guilty about wanting time away from her daughter that she began to overcompensate with setting very few limits for her daughter—the reason for the disagreements with her husband. She was then laden with the guilt of not setting limits for her daughter.

—Dr. Darlene

The Pressure to Be Perfect

Boom. The minute you become a parent, the pressure is on. For perhaps the first time in your life, you feel that now you need to do everything right. The fear of making a mistake has never been so prominent. When you know that you are going to become a parent, you feel the pressure to follow the recommendations and advice of all your friends, family, and even the strangers at the grocery store. We call this the beginning of the pressure trap. They must know more than you, right? If you're not taking advantage of every bit of advice, you must not be doing everything you can for your baby. The race to do it right begins.

For many parents, this type of thinking occurs as soon as they find out they will be having a baby. You begin to look at the events around you with a new outlook. Not only are you more aware of the families you see at every restaurant, grocery store, or social event, but you're also more attentive to the onslaught of commercials and media that target new parents. You also become inundated with the anecdotes, stories, and advice from most of the people you encounter. You may think you are simply attending a friend's birthday dinner, but once people hear (or see) that you are having a baby, you hear opinions ranging from neonatal care to raising a teenager: “You should sign up your baby for preschool now; otherwise, she won't get into one that will have her reading before elementary school.” Then there is the never-ending literature. Beginning with pregnancy, there are thousands of books telling you the perfect diet while pregnant, books to read to the baby in utero, ways to reduce stress to make a more calming experience for the developing fetus, how to foster a love of music in a growing fetus, and so on, and so on. How does a person keep up?

It seems like everyone else has it figured out. For this reason, many new parents don't feel comfortable sharing their concerns or mistakes with other people as they are navigating the world of sleepless nights, frustration, and feelings of helplessness. They fear that if they did, other parents would see them as incompetent. Or even worse, it would be admitting they might actually
be
incompetent. Instead, parents focus on the available literature and media outlets for parenting information. Unfortunately, while those resources offer many useful ideas, they don't often include the important section that says, “Mistakes will happen and that is OK” or the section that says, “If you skip a day following the advice of this book because you are busy, on vacation, or just plain tired, no worries, you can start again the next day.” Yet that is real life. Mistakes will happen, and that is OK.

Embracing the challenges of parenting allows a more open and honest disclosure of the trials and tribulations that accompany parenting. When parents are lucky enough to have a group of peers who are comfortable sharing their insecurities, it takes away the expectation that everything has to be perfect. One of my most comforting moments happened when I dropped off my son at preschool and a mom greeted me with a laugh and said, “Don't get too close. It was such a crazy morning I forgot to brush my teeth.” What a relief to know other parents rush around forgetting basic things too. She is now one of my closest friends.

—Dr. Darlene

Remind yourself that all parents have misgivings. Find someone you can talk to, and you will see that most parents are feeling the same way. Being open with your concerns, and hearing about the concerns of others, provides a sense of normalcy, not guilt. Personally, we think talking about parenting mistakes and mishaps is even better when using a good sense of humor.

A Parent's Desire to Be Perfect Impacts the Kids

The drive to do things right all the time can foster insecurity and guilt in parents, but it also impacts the kids. As clinical psychologists, we have observed over and over the negative impact the message of perfection has on children. First, children learn to feel anxious about making a mistake through the verbal messages of their parents. Very often, this happens because children are privy to adult conversations. Children hear their parents talk about things happening in their own lives. For example, six-year-old Samuel heard his mother talking about his performance in the soccer game, or eight-year-old Emma heard her parents talking about a problem her sister is having with a teacher. They hear their parents' concerns, as well as their complaints. For example, children may hear their parent make casual comments regarding choices for their children such as, “I should have started Alan in baseball when he was four. Now that he is six, he is too far behind,” or “I am going to write a letter to make sure Johnny gets Mrs. Brown in second grade because Mrs. Jones really doesn't prepare students for third grade, and I don't want him to be behind.” Kids hear and internalize all of this, but they are not developmentally ready to process what they hear. They hear their parent's anxiety about the negative consequences of making the “wrong” choice. They hear that if a mistake is made, all might be lost. Johnny won't be prepared for third grade if he doesn't get Mrs. Brown, and Alan won't ever be a great baseball player because he didn't start when he was four. This can lead to children and adolescents who are reluctant to commit to things or make decisions. What if they make the wrong choice? What if they change their mind? You can see how parents trying to “prepare” their children can send the message that making a mistake should be avoided. No wonder children can be reluctant to make a commitment. Parents may view reluctance as a lack of motivation, but in fact, it may be fear—fear of regret.

A mother of an eight-year-old boy told me she doesn't know what to do because her son tells her he wants to play sports, but when it is time to sign up he changes his mind. Once the season begins, he tells her that he wished he signed up. This is a pattern for the boy. Another parent shared that her daughter often changes her mind about extracurricular activities. She wanted to be in the school play, but the day of sign-ups, she questioned herself and didn't sign up. A few days later, she regretted her decision. She also wanted to be in the school band. All students needed to audition in front of the instructor on a specific day. Again, she questioned herself, did not go, and regretted it soon after. She still mentions feeling bad about not following through. Both students worried about their decision to commit to the activity. They both shared that they didn't know what the “right” thing to do was. This prevented them from trying something new and led to regrets. We frequently encounter these types of situations when working with children and their families.

—Dr. Ron

When children hear their parents worry or question their own choices and decisions, they internalize that anxiety, which impacts their ability to make their own decisions.

Fixing Mistakes, Making Decisions, and Building Confidence

The first step to building confidence in children is allowing them to make mistakes. If you ask most parents or educators, they will tell you, “Of course, it is OK for people to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes.” That is a wonderful message for children to hear, but we know that children don't always remember or believe what adults say. On the other hand, children remember when the actions of adults are consistent with their words. Children need to see that adults make mistakes and that it is OK when they do so. They then get the gift of watching and learning from those adults. Otherwise, a child thinks that she has to do everything right or she is doomed to failure.

We all make mistakes. It is important for parents not only to acknowledge our own mistakes to our children but to show them we accept human imperfections and the mistakes of others. This is done through our actions and our words. Acknowledging mistakes with a respectful sense of humor always helps. For example, in our family it is a well-known fact that I am a klutz. In fact, when either one of our boys trips or drops something, they say, “Mom, that was your genetics.” We all laugh because it is probably true and we employ a good sense of humor about personal weaknesses. We all have weaknesses. It is also known that I am really organized, good at math, and a great friend. Weaknesses do not define our worth. They are only one very small part of us.

—Dr. Darlene

Telling children it is OK to make mistakes is also meaningless unless the children themselves are allowed to fix them. It is extremely important for children to learn how to solve problems and remedy unexpected outcomes. The only way they can do this is if the adults around them allow them to do so. It is a true challenge for parents to sit back and watch their children fumble their way through a situation without jumping in to help. Often, impatience pushes the adult to step in and solve the problem. Sometimes, even when a child begins to remedy the situation, adults still want to get involved by giving their input to prevent their child from making the wrong decision. However, often, those suggestions are advanced, adult-oriented solutions that are not necessarily appropriate for the child's age or stage of development.

As parents, we want the best outcome for our children, but isn't it better for the child to solve a problem like a child? In fact, most kids would probably be ostracized, or at least get some really funny looks, if they were to talk like an adult and come up with adult-centered solutions. Let's take the following example, which is similar to scenarios we have seen in our practices:

Ten-year-old Jimmy comes home upset because his friends did not throw the football to him at recess. Jimmy's mom tells him to let his friends know that it “hurt his feelings” and ask if they would throw it to him more next time. How many times do parents tell their children to let their friends know when their feelings were hurt? As clinical psychologists, we can tell you that it is not developmentally typical for a ten-year-old child to talk like that, and their friends don't usually respond very well to it. Instead of providing solutions, Jimmy's mom can ask him what he can do to make things better, what he might say, what one of his friends would have done, and the like.

Throughout the first two chapters, we emphasized the importance of giving children opportunities to solve problems on their own. But it's important to keep in mind that when children try to fix a problem independently, they often don't express themselves clearly, they don't approach the problem with confidence, or they don't solve it effectively. As a parent, that can be frustrating. That's OK; it's part of the process. You can't learn calculus before you learn basic math—and even basic math takes practice. Children need to practice problem solving using the basics, and that includes dealing with the mistakes and consequences of their choices.

Children often need support finding a way to fix a mistake. You want to encourage your children to ask for
help
in figuring it out, not ask for solutions. Asking for help is a very responsible way to deal with a problem and should be encouraged. The ability to ask for help when needed is an admirable quality in people of all ages. It shows maturity, strong problem-solving skills, and the ability to be thoughtful.

Asking for help is different than expecting to be given a solution. So when your child approaches you for help, help your child evaluate the options available or encourage your child to approach an issue from another angle. As a parent, it is very rewarding to hear your child think aloud. Try to engage in this process as often as it presents itself.