Teaching Kids to Think (11 page)

Stage 2

This stage is
self-interest
driven. At this point, children begin to recognize that other people have needs, just as they do. Further, children learn that one way to get what they want is to give other people what they want in return. Kids are still driven by consequences to determine right from wrong, but they consider how to get others to get them what they want. The analogy “I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine” is often used to describe actions at this stage.

Level II: Conventional Morality

Stage 3

This stage is more
conformity
driven and is typical of many adolescents, including middle school and high school students. At this level, individuals examine society's views and expectations and validate the morality of their actions based on the actions of others. There is an acceptance of the rules and norms of society even when there is no overt consequence for the action or behavior. Adolescents focus on maintaining relationships, earning trust, and developing loyalty within their relationships.

Stage 4

This stage is about knowing
right from wrong
. At this point, people transition to a level of moral decision making that is beyond the need for approval from others and is based more on the totality of the action. This tends to happen in high school and young adulthood, and for many people this is the most complex level of moral development they will reach. People understand the need for laws and rules because of their role in maintaining order in society. Even if they disagree with the law, they understand that it is morally wrong to break it. They see rules as inflexible, and often fail to recognize that as society changes, so should the rules.

Level III: Postconventional Morality

Stage 5

This stage is considered the
social contract
, where it is understood that everyone has his or her own opinions and values. This level of reasoning is typically not seen before reaching college age. Laws are viewed as useful social contracts, but are not rigid. They represent civil order, but not absolute moral stances, and should be changed as needed based on a changing society. Stages 4 and 5 are the highest levels of moral development that most people reach.

Stage 6

This stage is the
ideal or universal
morality, and few people ever reach this level. It is often thought of as a “hypothetical” stage in that it involves a strong inner conscience and willingness to violate one's own ethical principles for a greater good. At this level, there would be no need for rules or laws as everyone would do what was right at all times, but that requires everyone to be at this level. Because many people don't reach this level of morality, it would be unsafe to depend on this kind of advanced moral reasoning in today's society.

Consider Moral Development When Parenting

Parent:
Dr. Stolberg, I need some help. My eight-year-old son follows all our rules at home and is generally helpful and considerate. But when he visits his best friend's house, he does things that make me want to pull my hair out. I am sure he knows better because he never does these things with that same boy at our house. Why does he behave this way away from our home?

Dr. Ron:
He probably wasn't mature enough to do what was “right” simply because it was the “right” thing to do. Instead, he was likely responding differently based on the rules of each house. In the house with clear rules and consequences, he meets the expectations to avoid the punishment, but at his friend's house, things are probably not so clear to him, so he does whatever his friend does. In fact, it is probably pretty confusing to him that he can do something that is OK at his friend's house, but be punished for it at his own house.

The development of moral reasoning is not based on what age or grade a child is in. It is a representation of how they see the world and get their needs met. As parents, we all look for that point when our children learn to do what is right because it is right, not because they will get in trouble if they don't do the right thing.

Without knowing it, parents use the development of moral reasoning to make a lot of decisions regarding their children. There comes a time when we trust them to walk or ride a bike to school, to do their homework without us checking it, and to stay out late into the evenings with their friends on a weekend. Most likely, the child or teen has demonstrated to a parent that she can be trusted in these situations to follow the rules or to make well-thought-out decisions. Obviously, the better they prove to us that they are responsible and trustworthy, the more privileges we give them.

With the other developmental theories discussed here, we have demonstrated how even the most considerate parents may try to rush their children through a developmental challenge because they see other kids mastering it, or provide so much support that a child doesn't really get exposed to the challenge. The same concept applies to moral development. Children simply need to move through the stages as they grow and gain lots of practice. Parents cannot do this for their kids, they can't rush it, and they shouldn't protect them from the process.

Essentially, kids need to make mistakes. With young children, it might be a little thing like not sharing a toy and making a playmate cry, and with teens, it could involve theft, cheating in school, or lying. Parents in these situations are tempted to jump in and resolve the problem for their children. Regardless of what the moral dilemma is, children need the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and evaluate their behavior and value set.

I was working with a high school boy who cheated on a test at school. The teacher sent a note home to the parents asking them to sign the test acknowledging that they were informed of the violation and return it to school. The teen never showed his parents the test and signed their name without permission. When the teacher called home because she was suspicious about the signature, the father didn't want his son to get suspended for cheating so he admitted to signing the test.

—Dr. Ron

This high schooler could have been presented with an opportunity to develop a greater level of moral development. Instead, his parents were too concerned with the implications of cheating in school to let their son experience not only the punishment for cheating but the deeper moral lesson. If he were allowed to experience shame and the resulting embarrassment of disappointing the adults in his life, then he would have had the chance to grow from that experience. He would then have been able to work to earn back their trust, which is empowering and leads to stronger moral character. Instead, he was denied that chance and left with being rewarded for what he did.

Parenting with a Purpose

You will notice that at the core of all these theories is the need for children, teens, and young adults to experience challenges in order to develop the skills to move on to the next stage successfully. The process relies on children's thinking to change as their brains develop and they are subjected to a wide range of experiences. Whether parents are pushing their children too fast through the stages or protecting them so much that their children don't get to experience them, kids in this generation are missing the opportunity to practice the skills that are learned as they progress through each stage of development.

C
HAPTER
5

Take Advantage of the Critical Periods of Brain Development

We frequently hear about conflicts that deal with a child's inability to print out a school assignment. This is such a common source of anxiety for students and parents alike. For example, the student goes to print out the assignment and the household printer is out of ink or won't work, and he or she immediately begins to panic. The student can just as easily print in another color, save it on a jump drive to print at school, stop at a copy center on the way to school, print at the library or at a friend's house; there are lots of options. But the immediate reaction is hopelessness, rather than creative problem solving.

—Dr. Darlene and Dr. Ron

In past generations, there were natural opportunities every day for children and teens to practice the skills discussed in this book. In fact, there was no way around it. Think about the difference in freedom that children in the 1960s, '70s, and '80s had in planning their days. Many of you may remember the phrase, “Be home when the street lights come on.” Parents often didn't know where their children were from the time they left the house to the time it was dark. While they were gone, they were organizing games, playing with other children, and, yes, getting into mischief. All those things required practice with essential skills that would be used throughout their lives: organization, planning, and using judgment to make decisions. These opportunities enhanced brain development, flexible thinking, and independent problem solving. On the other hand, many children in this generation are deprived of those same experiences. Whether it is concern about safety, lack of free time in a schedule, or too much homework, kids do not have the same freedoms and, therefore, the same opportunities as in previous generations.

Not only are today's children overscheduled and given fewer opportunities for independence, but the advancements in technology have also taken away even more opportunities for children to practice essential life skills. When the solution for a problem comes in seconds because a child picks up a phone to call someone or Google it, they are not required to think for themselves and figure things out. Children and teens are becoming reliant on technology to give them answers and have difficulty coming up with solutions without it.

In addition to the scenarios of children being out on their own, there are many other opportunities to practice thinking and problem solving that are also lost to this generation because of the convenience of technology. Let's compare how everyday experiences for children and teens differ now from the year 1999.