Tell Me Why (15 page)

Chapter Twenty

Anna-

Carefully lifting Caleb’s shirts, I checked each one to see what might fit me the best and offer me some sort of modesty protection. Not that it would really help me any. Caleb had been looking at me all night like I was a slab of meat hanging on a stick and he was the king of the lion pride. A smile stole across my face and I bit my bottom lip. I was excited, but scared too.

Taking out a red shirt, I paused when a piece a crumpled paper fell to the floor. Smiling, I picked it up, wondering what lyrics Caleb had been composing and been frustrated with. It seemed he always had scraps of paper like this laying around somewhere.

Carefully unfolding it, I began reading, only to feel the color drain from my face when I immediately recognized Jessi’s handwriting:

Caleb,

Please forgive me for what I’m about to do. Whatever happens now, I want you to know I love you, and it’s because I love you that I’m doing this.

You’ve been a wonderful brother to me, ever since we first met. I can’t count the times you’ve stepped in, trying to protect my mom and me from your dad. Life wasn’t easy for any of us, but my happiest memories revolved around moments with you.

This is hard for me to tell you, but in spite of us being stepbrother and sister, I don’t feel that way about you. For a long time I’ve wished maybe you could see me in a different light too. I realize now that isn’t the case. Someone else holds your heart, and it’s not the girl you’re currently dating.

A couple of months ago, Mom and Hank had a big fight. I couldn’t stand all the yelling, so I snuck out of the house and took the ferry over to Seattle. When I got to your apartment there was a wild party going on. Some guy grabbed me when I came in and tried to kiss me, but Riley pushed him off and told me to go to your room where I’d be safe. I saw you were asleep in there and I tried to wake you until I realized you were passed out from partying. Since there was nothing else to do, I laid down on the other side of your bed and fell asleep.

Sometime later I woke to you kissing me. I’m guessing you don’t remember since you’ve never said anything about it and you act like nothing happened. But something did happen, Caleb. You and I . . .well, we slept together.

Please don’t hate me. It was so dark, but I was awake enough to know exactly what we were doing. What I didn’t realize was you thought you were with someone else. Not until the end, when you called out Anna’s name.

Hearing you say that tore me apart. As soon as you were asleep, I got dressed and snuck out. I couldn’t face you right then. I did my best to avoid you for the next week or so, but if you noticed, you didn’t say anything. When you finally came home to check on Mom and me, you greeted me with the same brotherly hug and smile as always. You obviously didn’t remember anything.

Part of me wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t figure out how to start the conversation. Then I thought if you didn’t remember, maybe I could just pretend nothing happened and we could go back to how things were before. That’s not going to work either.

I’m pregnant, Caleb. Yes, the baby is yours. I haven’t been with anyone else. I’m so scared, and I’m not ready to be a mom. I’m only seventeen. If I tell you about this pregnancy, I know you’ll do the honorable thing. You’ll offer to marry me and raise the baby. I can’t do that to you, knowing you’re in love with Anna. Plus, I’m pretty certain she has feelings for you too. What would that do to her to see us together with a baby? I thought about giving it up for adoption and not naming the father, but that doesn’t seem fair to you either. I don’t think I could live with myself if I aborted your baby. It’s greedy of me, but it’s part of you and me together. I want to keep it. If I keep the baby and you admit you’re the father, I have no doubt in my mind that Hank will have you thrown in jail for statutory rape. He’s been after you ever since you testified against him about abusing Mom. On top of all that, even though we aren’t actually blood related
in any way, you know people are going to say this is an incestuous relationship. I don’t care what they say about me, Caleb, but I do care what they say about you, and I’d care about what they’d call our child. People can be so nasty.

There’s no way I can bring a baby into all this. I don’t know where to turn. Every person I’d normally go to for help is involved somehow in this mess I’ve made. I screwed everything up royally.

I’m tired of lying awake every night, crying by myself while I try to come up with some solution. There’s only one thing that will fix all this that I can see, and that’s to remove the problem—me. If I die, I get to keep my baby and my memories of you with me. It may seem like morbid reasoning, but this way you won’t go to jail, people won’t say bad things about you, and you can have the girl you really want. No one else has to know what happened, because I’m taking our secret to the grave. You can’t tell anyone ever, though, or it will make my sacrifice for you completely in vain. I’m doing this to protect you.

Thank you for being in my life. Please, please, try not to hate me for too long. I know I didn’t give you a choice, but I’d give up my life for you a million times, just to know you have the chance to be happy. I love you, Caleb, more
than anyone I’ve ever known—even myself.

Kisses,

Jessi

My hands were shaking violently as I let the letter slip from my fingers to the floor.
Rivers of tears flooded down my cheeks as I stared in horror at the paper that had just destroyed my life. My questions were answered, and now I wished I’d never known. Nausea flooded through me as I remembered Caleb warning me at the funeral that finding the truth might hurt. Snatching the paper again, and staggering to my feet, I stumbled back into the hall and headed toward the open living area.

“You knew!” I spat out, slapping the offending sheet down onto the counter.

Caleb turned, confused, until his eyes widened in recognition and the color drained from his face. He dropped the spatula on the browning meat.

“Anna, let me explain.” He held up his hands in surrender and slowly stepped toward me.

“You knew!” I shouted, all the pent-up venom and hate flooding my system, echoing in my voice. “You did this to her and you knew!”

“I couldn’t tell anyone! Please. You have to understand!” He advanced toward me again
, and I stepped away. “Don’t you come near me, Caleb! After all those times I cried in your arms, begging you to help me find the truth of what happened, and you already knew the whole time. You played me!”

“You’re wrong. It wasn’t the whole time—,”

I didn’t wait to hear anymore. Turning, I fled the apartment, bursting through the doorway and rushing toward the elevator.

“Anna, please! Wait! Let me explain!” I could hear him running down the hall after me as I punched the elevator button repeatedly, trying to get away. His hand grab
bed me by my upper arm as the doors finally swished apart and I yanked it away. “Anna, please don’t go. Not like this.”

“Stay away from me, Caleb! Do you hear me? Stay away. I don’t want to see you at all.” His eyes locked with mine, the hurt radiating strongly from them
, as he stepped backward, allowing me to step into the elevator.

“I should’ve known this was too good to be true,” he said, a hardness creeping into his eyes.

“Don’t you even try to blame me for this.” I snarled, my heart a tangled mess. “You brought this all onto yourself.” Poking the button, the doors closed in front of me, leaving his stricken face as the last picture in my mind. Gripping the handhold around the edge, I barely remained standing until I reached the lobby. Forcing myself to run, I burst onto the street, taking my heels off and letting my bare feet hit the pavement. Without stopping, I made it all the way to the pier, choosing to duck inside the bathroom while I waited for the next ferry back to Bainbridge Island to begin boarding.

Closing myself into a stall, I wept uncontrollably, not caring who could hear me. My heart was breaking. Never, not ever in a million years
, could I have believed Caleb would’ve had anything to do with Jessi’s death. He’d always been the person we trusted. I knew Jessi liked him for more than just a brother. She’d hinted to it occasionally, even commenting about acting on it, but I’d never realized how serious she was.

This was sick. The whole thing was disgusting. And Caleb knew what had happened the whole time and refused to tell me. Pieces of me had died with Jessi that day. The nightmares still caught me off guard, yet he let me remain unknowing and traumatized.

And he’d slept with
her
. I thought I was going to vomit. He’d slept with her and gotten her pregnant.

Fresh sobs wracked my body as grief hit me anew. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t known on some level. Surely he could tell the damn difference between his own sister and me.

Oh, Jessi! Why? Why? Why did it have to be Caleb you fell for? Now neither of us can have him.

My cell
phone began ringing in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw it was Caleb. Ignoring the call, I texted him back immediately.

I can’t talk to u right now. Please respect me & give me some space
. I turned my phone off before he could reply.

Leaving the stall, I went to one of the sinks
.  In the mirror, I saw my tear streaked face running with black lines of mascara that had dripped onto my white dress. I was a mess. Washing as best I could, I grabbed some paper towels and tried to repair the damage before slipping my shoes on and joining the rest of the people in line waiting to board the ferry. Careful not to make eye contact with anyone, I made my way onto the boat as soon as the gates opened. Hurrying up the stairs to the deck, I slipped into a back row of benches under the awning, hoping to ride there mostly unnoticed. A few people passed by now and again, as they strolled the deck; but not a soul paid any attention to me.

The minutes of the trip ticked by in a blur, as if my entire world had lost its light and
a thick fog had settled in. Walking home in the dark, I suddenly hated this place and all the horror that had happened here. I’d lost two of the people closest to me and simply wanted to escape to somewhere I could be apart from all the drama. My days of heartfelt love and innocence were over—completely shattered by the two people I’d trusted most.

Fresh tears rolled heavily down my face again, my hiccup
ped breathing filling the night air around me. The only thing I was really sure of at this moment was that I didn’t know if I’d be able to trust anyone ever again.

Chapter Twenty-One

Anna-

Squinting as I stepped out of the airport into the bright California sun, I could already see the difference
between what I left and what life here was going to bring me. No more dreary overcast skies filled with rainy weather. The air carried the scent of the ocean and maybe a slight hint of oranges as well. I couldn’t wait to spend some time down by the water, relaxing in the sun, mingling with of thousands of other beach goers. Yes, coming here early and getting in a summer semester was the perfect decision.

Sighing deeply, I attempted to release some of the heaviness I still felt in my heart
. I wondered if Caleb even knew I was gone yet. I hadn’t told him I was leaving. To his knowledge, I was still sitting in my parent’s house ignoring his phone calls. I’d left my phone there, along with all the other mementos of my shattered life, wanting to distance myself from it as much as possible.

My parents had been completely bewildered over my sudden reappearance at home and the fact
that I was a bawling mess. Even though it obviously had to do with Caleb, they didn’t pressure me for answers and I didn’t give them any, simply telling them there was no hope for a relationship with him and I’d decided to leave.

They lectured me to not make any rash decisions while in a bad state of mind, but when they realized there would be no stopping me
from making an escape, they stepped right up to help me get things taken care of. Now, here I was on California soil, ready to catch a cab to my new dorm room and begin my new life.

Dragging my rolling suitcase behind me to the waiting row of taxis outside of LAX, I stepped in line behind several other travelers who needed a cab.

“Where to?” the attendant asked me when I reached his podium.

“
Cal State, Northridge, please.”

“The LA campus?” he asked and I nodded. Soon I was comfortably seated inside
; listening to popular music the driver was playing on the radio. Staring at the tall buildings of the city as we made our way out of the airport, I suddenly felt my first wave of homesickness for Seattle. Skyscrapers, and the water nearby, reminded me too much of home; but at the same time, it was comforting as well. It made things not seem so completely foreign.

Without speaking
for the entire forty-five minute drive, I observed the diverse cultures of the sprawling city as we passed through the different districts and I wondered what life here in Los Angeles would bring my way. I didn’t know anyone here. Shortly, I would meet the roommate who would be sharing one of the school provided Phase I apartments with me. I’d been lucky to get in so quickly, but I was sure the generous donation from my parents had sped the process along as well.

The cab driver unloaded my suitcase for me when we arrived
. I paid and tipped him using the credit card my parents had given me. I had money of my own saved, but they were worried about me having enough to get by on comfortably. I appreciated their help.

Sighing again, I dragged my suitcase, and my heavy heart, toward the
Resident Advisor’s room.

***

“You must be my new roommate, Anna! Hi! I’m Holly Johansen.”

Eyes wide, I almost wanted to start crying when
my roomie stuck her hand out in a friendly manner to shake mine. The universe was definitely playing cruel tricks on me. It was going to be awfully hard to forget about Jessi when I was now rooming with a girl who could have practically passed for her twin. Her hair was a little shorter than Jessi’s, but the same pale shade of blonde, dyed dark underneath, and she had big blue eyes like her too.

Holly didn’t wear as much eye makeup as Jessi did and she wasn’t as pale
either, clearly sporting a California girl tan. She was beautiful, and I was miserable.

“Nice to meet you,” I replied in what I hoped was a nice tone. Shock was still invading my senses and I was having difficulty looking away from her.

“Are you okay?” Holly giggled nervously. “You seem a bit on the pale side, like you just saw a ghost.”

Might as well get the awkward out of the way
, right up front. “Sorry. I’m not trying to be rude. You could almost be the twin of my best friend who passed away recently. I’m afraid it caught me off guard a bit.”

“Oh my gosh! That’s terrible. I’m so sorry to hear that.” Without asking she reached down and took my suitcase from me. “Come on. I’ll show you your room.”

I wasn’t going to begrudge her skipping over the awkward conversation I’d started. In fact, I was rather relieved to not be plagued with questions. Truth be told, I really wanted to just settle in and take a long nap before I did anything else. The summer session didn’t officially start for two more weeks. That would give me time to get used to things, find out what there was to do in the area, and perhaps get a part time job somewhere as well.

“This is our living room and kitchen,” she said, waving her arm around the sparsely decorated space with its furnished couch, coffee table, chair, and end table. On the kitchen side
, there was a standard, round table with a couple of chairs. “It’s not much to look at, but I just got here yesterday. I thought maybe we could go shopping together and see if we could find things we both liked to make it feel more like home.”

“That would be awesome,” I said, catching a small bit of her
contagious excitement as I followed her down the very short hall.

“Here’s the bathroom we share
, I saved half the drawers for you. This room on the right is yours and mine is the one at the end. They’re both the same size, so I just picked one. I hope that’s okay with you.”

“It’s perfect,” I replied, watching as she hoisted my suitcase onto the mattress of the unmade twin bed. There was a small nightstand next to the bed and a desk on the same wall as the closet,
as well as a short chest of drawers at the foot of the bed. Not a very big space, but it would work just fine.

“Would you like me to help you put your stuff away?”

I wasn’t sure if it was because she resembled Jessi so much or not, but I liked Holly almost immediately. She seemed very friendly and eager to get along. That took a lot of worry off my mind.

“Oh, I don’t want to bother you at all. Thank you, though.”

“It’s no bother,” she replied with a laugh. “I’m glad you’re finally here. I thought I was going to go crazy by myself. There’s not a whole lot going on around this place right now. It kind of feels like a ghost town.”

“Are you from California?” I asked as I unzipped my suitcase.

“Born and raised just down the road in Anaheim. I think my parents hoped I would live at home and go to school for a while, but I was anxious to get out on my own and experience life. How about you?”

“I grew up on Bainbridge Island, just outside of Seattle, Washington.”

“Really? I’ve been there to visit before, once. I have an aunt that lives in Seattle. We rode the ferry over to Bainbridge Island and had lunch at a little cafe in Winslow. It’s gorgeous.”

I smiled. “Yep. That’s where I live. That’s so cool that you’ve been there.”

“Have you ever been to LA before?”

“My parents brought me to Disneyland when I was eight years old. That’s pretty much all I remember from that trip.”

“Well, then you’ll have to let me show you all the sights. There’s so much to do here, and it doesn’t have to cost a lot either. We can go hang out at the beach, go to Santa Monica Pier, tour Hollywood, see Beverly Hills, window shop on Rodeo Drive while we eat ice cream, try and spot famous people, the list is endless.”

Unable to help my smile, I nodded eagerly. Her excitement was infectious. “It sounds fabulous
.” Maybe LA and my new roommate were going to prove to be the exact distraction I needed.

Holly grabbed some empty hangers from the closet and brought them over the bed. She began to string some of my shirts onto them
, while I removed my underwear and socks from the suitcase to put in the drawers. “So, do you have a boyfriend?” she asked, throwing me right back into my tailspin and dredging up all my hurt over Caleb and his betrayal.

“No,” I said resolutely, as I opened the dresser and dumped my belongings into it
, prior to systematically rearranging everything. “I did, but it didn’t work out; so I decided to come here instead. He probably doesn’t even know I’m gone, to be honest.”

“Wow. That sucks. But this is a great place to get past a broken heart. There are lots of hunky guys in LA.”

I laughed even though my heart felt like it was wrapped in a restricting vice. “I’m sure there are; however, I don’t know if I’ll be ready for another guy any time soon. Caleb did a number on me, I’m afraid.”

“High school sweetheart?” she asked.

“No. Older brother to my best friend who passed away. He was also the lead guitarist in the band I used to sing for.” Guilt plagued me anew. I hadn’t said goodbye to any of the guys. I’d left Fringe completely in a lurch without a lead singer. Caleb was simply going to have to find someone else or sing the songs himself. I knew he could do it. His voice was beautiful; but for some reason, he had it in his head that he couldn’t be both the lead guitar and the lead vocalist. I’d argued with him about it several times in the past. He wrote the most amazing songs and I felt he should be the one to sing them. It didn’t matter what I said though. He made it plain he would only ever do back up.

“You were in a band? That’s incredible! What kind?” Holly asked, bringing me back to the present.

“A rock band with kind of a grungy sound. It’s called Fringe.”

“Sounds perfect. Seattle is the birthplace of grunge
, after all, with Nirvana and the like,” Holly said, proving she knew the music scene. “Did you play a lot?”

I nodded. “Every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at one of the local nightclubs.”

Holly raised her eyebrows as she stared at me. “How old are you?”

“Eighteen,” I replied with a laugh. “One of my band
mates managed to get me a fake ID.”

“Oh, that is so cool! Did you bring it with you?”

“I did, now that I think about it; though it wasn’t intentional. It’s in my wallet, I believe.” I grabbed my purse and dug through it, locating it in a hidden spot behind my credit and ATM cards. “Yep, here it is.” I showed it to her and she giggled.

“We could so buy alcohol with this! You know that, right?” She smiled widely, handing it back to me.

“Yeah, except I’ve never been much of a drinker. Caleb was and always drank a lot with the party crowd, and even more after Jessi died. It had kind of started to scare me. It seemed so dangerous.”

In fact, I could easily blame alcohol for our current predicament. If Caleb hadn’t been wasted out of his mind
, he would’ve never slept with Jessi. Pangs of hurt stabbed through me once more; his betrayal—both emotional and physical—threatened to overwhelm me.

“I’m sorry,” Holly said, staring at me sympathetically. “I didn’t mean to bring up something painful for you.”

“No. You’re fine,” I said, staring around the bare room and feeling depressed. “Let’s go shopping right now. You want to? The rest of this unpacking can wait. I want to get things looking all homey.”

Her face brightened immediately. “That sounds fabulous! Let’s do it!”

“Do you have the number to call for a cab?” I asked.

“I’ve got even be
tter,” she replied with a smile as she dug into her pocket and removed a set of keys. “Daddy bought me a car for graduation. It’s a super cute red Ford Focus; used, but still in great shape with low miles. I love it!”

“That’s awesome! Let’s go then!”

She grabbed me in a bear hug and gave a little squeal of delight. “I’m so excited you’re here! Let me go get my purse!” Releasing me, she skipped from the room and a small chuckle escaped me.

True, my heart was breaking, but I was pretty sure I was going to like it here.