Tessa (From Fear to Faith) (5 page)

8

A
t first the knock at my door was so soft I didn’t hear it. I was lying flat on my back on the rug, brainstorming about how to get far enough away from home that Walter couldn’t find me again. I’d read fascinating stories of people jumping freight trains, but the trains I’d seen passing through Northford were going way too fast for any such stunt to work. There was hitchhiking, but that idea scared me almost as much as the train idea.

My best plan was to somehow get my hands on a car. Could a person my age buy a car? I tingled with excitement at the thought. Walter had taught me how to drive. If I could figure out where to get a couple hundred dollars, I might be on my way. That was a lot of money though, more than I could get from raiding Mom’s purse.

The knock came again, more forcefully. I scrambled to my feet, my thoughts shattering like dropped Christmas ornaments. How had Walter sneaked in without me hearing him?

“Tessa?” It was Mom’s voice.

I sank down on the rug in relief. It wasn’t Walter. But did she have to scare me like that?

“What’re you doing in here? Sleeping with the lights on?” Mom pushed the door and sat down on the bed.

“I know it’s late, but I wanted to talk to you about going back to school,” she began. “Walter won’t like it, but I’m not asking his opinion. If you’re in school, it’ll be a lot easier for me to put a stop to this other stuff.”

I was in no mood to have an amicable talk. “Yeah?” I challenged. “How do you figure that?”

“It’ll give me a lot more leverage.”

“Leverage? Walter don’t listen to you no matter what.”

For a moment, Mom looked like she wanted to slap me. But instead she folded her arms and said, “Now look. I’ve known Walter a lot longer than you have, and that means I know some things about him that you don’t. Understand?”

I hated it when she used that tone. She made me feel like a five-year-old. “So, how come you suddenly care so much about this? You never did before.”

Mom hesitated. “Well, I wasn’t going to tell you. But I got a call from Walter last night, must’ve been about ten thirty. At first I couldn’t understand him at all, his words were so slurred. I figured it was some stupid joke. But he sounded desperate, so I kept listening. He was saying, ‘What do you do if somebody’s not breathing?’”

Shivers ran up my spine. She continued. “I tried to tell him, but he was too drunk. I got in the car and rushed over there as fast as I could. I’ll never forget it. The whole way there, all I could think was, ‘it’s probably too late already.’”

She dabbed her eyes with a wadded tissue. Her voice was thick with emotion. “Tessa, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it was like this, or I would’ve put a stop to it a long time ago, believe me.”

I couldn’t speak for the lump in my throat. “Did I . . . was I . . . ?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. Walter was pretty drunk; he could’ve been wrong. By the time I got there, he had you out on the porch, and you seemed to be breathing. But you were limp as a rag doll. I was scared you wouldn’t come out of it, and sat up pretty much all night after I got you home.”

An improper question burned in my mind. I hated to ask it, but I had to. “What would you have done, you know . . . well . . . if I hadn’t come out of it?”

“I guess I would’ve called the police, taken you to the hospital, whatever. Walter would be mad, but I guess I don’t care what he thinks anymore.”

“Yeah, but by the time you got me to the hospital, wouldn’t it have been a little late?”

Mom’s face reddened. “What’re you getting at?” she snapped. “Why I didn’t call an ambulance or something? You know why. Walter would kill me.”

“So then what you just said about going to the hospital is a bunch of bunk.” My voice shook. I’d never dared to confront Mom like this before. But I had to get the truth.

“Well, I’d have to be careful, that’s for sure.”

“So what you’re really saying is it’s you, then me.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“That I better look out for myself and not believe a word you say.” I stood to my feet, gripping the windowsill to steady myself. “One of these days I’m gonna leave for good, and you can forget about finding me again, because you won’t.”

“Tess, please. That’s crazy talk. You know what a minefield it is, living with Walter. So maybe I should’ve called for help last night. But since everything’s okay, why make a big fuss about it? It’s not gonna happen again, all right?”

I stood silent, staring out the window into the night.

“You know, I’m still limping around from protecting you this morning. I still got bruises on my arm from trying to get Walter to send you to school. Last night I risked my neck driving out to that stupid farmhouse, and then I sat up with you all night. I’ve still got a headache. Where are you getting this crazy idea that I don’t care about you? What more do you want?”

The dizziness was beginning to overwhelm me. I sank down on the opposite side of the bed. She continued. “Now, if you’re going to school, there’s a few things we have to work out, such as–”

“I’m not going.”

“So you’d rather stay here and listen to us fight all winter?”

I rolled my eyes. What a stupid question.

“Seems to me that’s about all you do.”

“It is not.”

“Oh?” She bent and picked up a crumpled sweatshirt off the floor. “Just what do you do in here all day?”

I traced a crack in the wood floor with my shoe. “Maybe I escape from this lousy family for a while.”

“And then when you come out, we’re still here.”

“Unfortunately.”

“So I should think you’d be glad to get away from us for a while.”

“That’s what I’m gonna do.”

Mom rose and walked around the bed to stand beside me. “Tessa, I don’t know how to put this.” Her voice was quiet but intense. “You’re the only daughter I’ve got now. I know things have been tough, and I can’t blame you for wanting to find a better life. But Tessa, you don’t know what you’re talking about. No runaway teenage girl is gonna do well. I don’t care how smart you are. It’s not gonna work. You might get away from Walter, but you’ll end up someplace that’s a whole lot worse. There’s evil men out there who gather up girls like you and force them into prostitution so they can make money. Once you get into something like that, you never get out.” Her voice broke. “Tess, I can’t lock you up and force you to stay here; but if you leave, you’re doomed. You can ask anybody.”

I wouldn’t look at her. Why did she have to bring all that up? As if I wasn’t doomed if I stayed here. I picked at the two oversized bandages covering the side of my hand. I still had no idea how I’d gotten burned. Of course, it wouldn’t have been difficult, considering the caustic chemicals I was handling last night.

Mom spoke again. “So. How about it? You willing to go back to school?”

I hesitated, which she took to mean yes
.
She told me I’d be going come Monday morning, and then she said goodnight and left.

I felt like punching something. I resented being forced to trust Mom again, when all she ever did was look out for herself. But until I could perfect my escape plan, it looked like I had no choice.

***

In bed that night, my thoughts drifted to my sisters. Try as I did, I could not remember them at all. Still, I missed them. I wondered what it would be like having older siblings to look up to and confide in. Life might still be hard, but at least I wouldn’t be alone. I was so tired of being alone. Where were my sisters?

9

M
onday morning dawned overcast and blustery, a perfect match for my mood. I had barely slept for worrying. Even the mega dose of Nyquil I’d taken before bed didn’t help. I was terrified the people at school would be able to tell what I’d been through just by looking at me. I knew this was ridiculous; the bruises from Walter’s beating had faded, and I’d showered and thoroughly washed my hair, so I smelled all right. My coughing fits could be explained away. Yet, fear and shame gripped me. I managed to choke down the orange juice Mom poured for me, but I couldn’t eat anything.

Mom drove me to school in her car. Despite my anxiety, I felt my spirits lift as I watched the countryside unfold outside my window. Although most of the colored leaves had fallen from the trees, the land still glowed with the rich brown of oak forests and the gold of cornfields not yet ready for harvest. Mom had been right on one thing. I did need to get out of the house more.

But as we crossed the bridge into Northford, my fears returned in force. What if I couldn’t do my schoolwork with this fogged-up feeling in my head? What if the office questioned Mom’s explanation of my six-week absence? By the time we pulled up in front of the school, my stomach was in knots.

“Well, here we are,” Mom said. “You got my note?”

I nodded and stepped out of the car, ducking my head against the biting wind.

“Try to have a good day,” she called after me. “I’ll be back around three thirty.”

I slammed the door without answering. I hoped she felt bad about dumping me off like this. The wind tugged at my coat and spat drizzle in my face as I started toward the sprawling brick building. Could I just walk in unannounced after being gone for so long?

Two students hurried past me up the wet sidewalk. I recognized one of them as Ethan Anderson, my best friend Janet’s older brother. With him was a tall blond girl I didn’t know. She was laughing as he pretended to shield her from the rain with a battered notebook. I followed them at a distance, walking slowly to conceal my limp.

Colorful posters announcing fall play auditions greeted me as I pushed the door and stepped inside. I tried to project self-confidence as I threaded my way through the sea of students, but I was scared. There were so many unfamiliar faces. Even among my friends, I worried what kind of reception I would get.

Partway down the hall, someone caught my arm. “Tess! Where’ve you been all this time!” Janet’s dark eyes sparkled as she folded me in a bear hug. Her long black hair brushed my cheek, and I caught a whiff of almond shampoo. I hugged her back.

But there was no time to talk. Several other girls crowded around. “Hey, Tess! We heard you were missing. Did you run away? Where were you?”

I laughed and continued walking. “It’s a long story. You don’t wanna hear it.”

“Aww, come on,” Lois prodded. “All this time we figured you’d been kidnapped or something.”

“You don’t know the half. They locked me up in a basement full of rats and demanded ten million in ransom.”

Shrieks of horror rose from the girls. I worked the combination on my locker and pulled open the door. Yes, thank goodness, my books were still there.

I managed to make it to lunchtime without any serious questioning. By then the worst of my fears had subsided. Mom’s partly true tale about me running away, getting sick, and then having to travel to Texas for my grandmother’s funeral must have satisfied everyone. What worried me most was the fog and dizziness building in my head. If it got much worse, I doubted I’d be able to learn anything, much less keep track of all the assignments the teachers were giving me.

Three of my best friends joined me at lunch.

“Have you been sick?” Lois quizzed me, as she consumed macaroni and cheese at a record speed. “You’ve been coughing something awful.”

My heart rate doubled, but I tried to answer calmly. “Yeah, it was pretty bad. I kept thinking I was over it, then – bam
–
it’d come right back. But I’m feeling a lot better now.” I covered my mouth as another burst of coughing erupted. My throat and chest ached from all the coughing.

Sandy looked up from her salad in concern. “You sure you’re not contagious?”

“Have you been to a doctor?” added Janet. “Maybe it’s whooping cough or something.”

“I promise, I’m not contagious,” I rasped. “I’ve just got a tickle in my throat.”

“I bet you got sick when you ran away.” Lois fixed me with an inquisitive gaze.

My stomach tightened. I did not want to talk about that, especially with Lois. She was the biggest blabbermouth in the world. But Lois kept eyeing me, expecting a reply, and I felt my cheeks beginning to flush.

“So, where’d you get that idea?” I said.

Lois’s plump face creased with disbelief. “What, that you ran away? Everybody knows that! Your mom was calling all over the place, trying to find you. She said you’d been gone for a week already.”

My face burned. That explained Mom’s refusal to leave my misbehavior out of her note. What could I say now? The stupid fuzziness in my head made it hard to think.

“Yeah, well, it was kind of an experiment,” I said. “I slept in a garage for a couple nights.”

“Was it fun?” Sandy’s brown eyes danced with adventure.

I shrugged. “Depends what you call fun. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“Why, what happened?” Lois pried.

The stress of answering their questions made my dizziness worse. “Look, can’t we talk about something else?”

Lois opened her mouth to protest, but Janet cut in first. “Hey Lois, did you see Caleb Tanner’s new wheels? Man, would I love to have a ride in that thing!”

“What, that red Mustang? I hear his dad bought him that for his birthday. Some present!”

“I am so jealous! Looks new, too.”

I concentrated on my turkey burger, content to let the laughter and conversation swirl around me. Thanks to Janet’s quick thinking, my adventures had been forgotten.

Or so I thought. Even before Lois had finished eating, she began circulating the news that I had indeed run away and had slept in a garage. “And something terrible happened,” she added, “something so awful she’s afraid to talk about it.”

I kept my head ducked as I tried to force down the rest of my food.
Leave it to Lois to do this to me. Why didn’t I invent a better story? I guess my head’s more messed up than I thought.
I knew I needed to lie down for a while, but how could I?

I didn’t notice Janet standing at my elbow until she spoke.

“Tess, you okay?”

I jerked in surprise, upsetting my carton of milk.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Janet grabbed a napkin and helped me mop up the mess. “Are you all right, girl? You seem really out of it.”

For a brief second, our eyes met. Had we been alone, I might have told her the truth; instead, I turned away and said, “Yeah. I’ll be fine.”

Janet squeezed my arm. “It sure is good to see you again. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time.”

“Yeah, well, it’s nothing, really. I did something stupid. I just hope I’m really over that flu. I feel kind of weird.”

“Maybe you better go down and let the nurse check you out.”

“Nah. I’ll be okay.” To prove it, I shoved back my chair and stood up.

Janet picked up her tray and followed me to the trash can. “Well, I’ll see you later then, but you take care of yourself. You don’t look so good.”

Although kindly intended, her words struck panic in my heart. Could Janet tell I wasn’t being straight with her? Did she suspect it was more than the flu that had kept me out of school for so long?

In the restroom, the combination of nerves and dizziness proved too much and I lost my lunch. Afterwards, I stood in front of the mirrors, pretending to touch up my makeup while I studied my reflection. My eyes were red and a little glassy, but otherwise I looked okay, didn’t I? I frowned at the greenish-yellow mark on my right cheekbone. In this harsh light it was more noticeable than I’d thought. I’d better have an explanation ready in case someone asked me about it.

I washed my hands, careful not to wet the two large bandages on my left hand. Maybe they had prompted Janet’s comment. Thinking about Janet, I felt tears trying to come. We’d been best friends since fifth grade. I hated having to lie to her.

The door opened and a group of girls entered, engaged in animated conversation. I recognized the tall blonde as the one I’d seen with Ethan that morning. Watching her, I felt a stab of envy. Not only was she stunningly pretty, but she carried herself with an air of easy confidence I could only dream of.

Some people have everything going for them,
I thought, as I shoved the door and stepped into the hallway.
Me? I’ve got nothing.
The thought stung, but I held onto it as I pushed my way through the crowded hall toward English class. The sooner I accepted my lot in life, the less painful it would be.

When school let out, Janet caught up with me at the locker we shared. Beside her, to my surprise, was the same blond-haired girl.

“This is my cousin Heather,” Janet said. “She’s staying with her grandparents for a couple months, so she’s been coming to our school.”

Heather stepped forward with a bright smile. “Hey, Tessa. Nice to meet you. I hope we’ll be friends.”

I smiled and said something I hoped would sound nice, but I knew someone like Heather would never bother with me. Especially if she found out what a loser I was.

Mom was waiting for me out in the car. “How was school?”

“Okay, I guess.” I dropped my heavy knapsack on the floor and settled into the passenger seat.

“Any problems? Did they question you?”

“No, not really.” I turned to face her as I spoke, and that’s when I saw the ugly purple bruise on the side of her face. Not this again.

“Walter’s mad, huh?” I said.

Mom swore. “Yes, but he’s not gonna win this. Look here.” She reached into a shopping bag and handed me a stainless steel slide bolt about six inches long. The thing was heavy in my hand.

“I got four of these this afternoon,” she said. “Cleaned out the tray in the store, in fact. If my carpentry skills are anything like they used to be, I’ll put two of them on your bedroom door, and he’ll never get in.”

I shook the package, eyeing the short screws. If they stripped out…

“We got one thing going for us with that old house,” she continued. “The thing’s pretty well built. This would never work otherwise.”

“Sure; but I don’t trust these tiny screws.”

“There’s any size screws we want out in the shop. I guess the landlord won’t like it, but since when does he come around anyway.”

“Well, if he does, we can just lock the doors, and he’ll never know.”

When we got home, Mom set to work installing the bolts, two on my bedroom door and two on the bathroom door. I watched with some trepidation.

“So what’s the deal; I’m supposed to hide out in my room all the time, or what?” I asked.

“You have a place to go if Walter bothers you. That’s all.”

“And when he gets mad and starts shooting holes in the door, then what?”

She looked at me strangely. “Shooting holes in the door?”

“Yeah. He’s got a gun, remember?”

“I guess. I haven’t seen it around lately. I’m sure he’d never hurt anybody with it.”

I stared at her in astonishment. Was she crazy or what? Almost every day now Walter mistreated us, yet she continued to insist we could live peaceably with him. Why didn’t she get smart and leave, like I was planning to? The bolts were a good idea, but in reality, I feared they’d only make Walter madder.

I wandered out to the kitchen, where I began pacing. I had to find a way out of here, and soon. The obvious choice was to run off with Mom’s car; but knowing her, she’d call the police on me for stealing it. I probably wouldn’t even make it out of the state.

From down the hall came the whine of Walter’s power drill. I paused in front of the china cupboard and pulled three cigarettes from Mom’s half-empty pack, then proceeded to light one.

***

Supper that evening was unbearably tense. Mom had put together a hamburger hot dish, but neither of us could eat as we anticipated Walter’s return. Every tiny noise made my heart leap into my throat. Mom carried her plate over to the counter so she could watch the driveway while she ate. I gave up and locked myself in my bedroom. I hunched motionless on the floor in the semidarkness, my back against my bed and my knees pulled up to my chin. Like a piece of a song on a broken record, a single thought played over and over in my mind.
I’ve got to get out of here. I’ve got to get out of here. I’ve got to get out of here.

Time passed. My legs cramped up and my back ached, but still I sat, numb with silent desperation. It was then I received a most remarkable gift.

Mom tapped at my door. “Tessa? Come on out here. You’re not gonna believe this.”

She sounded happy – almost excited. I uncurled my stiff limbs and said, “What?”

“Walter’s in jail. He’s not coming home. I just got the call.”

A wild burst of hope sent me scrambling to my feet. I fumbled at the bolts in my haste to open the door. “Really?”

Mom’s eyes were wet as she nodded. “Really.”

“What happened? How long’s he gonna be there?”

“A month, I suppose. That’s about all that’s left of his sentence.”

“Probation violation, huh?”

We both laughed. Walter was constantly in violation, but he was hard to pin down.

“He can just stay there,” I said. “Couldn’t we call and ask them to keep him?”

Mom laughed again. “That’s a good idea. I wish I’d thought of it. But seriously, I don’t know how we’d pay the bills without him. It’s gonna be tight as it is.”

Her concern did nothing to dampen my joy. No Walter meant no fighting, no threats, no trips to the tavern, no late nights working at the old farmhouse. I could sit in the living room and watch TV in the evenings, eat supper in peace, and go to bed at decent hours. Life was going to be awesome!

Little did I know that Walter wasn’t the only problem in my life.