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Authors: Mallory Ortberg

Texts from Jane Eyre (24 page)

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 you did what 

 he’s a prince, Hermione!
a real prince
well
he was a prince
he’s in a little trouble right now
but I fixed it with a few of my credit cards
 so he’s all right now

 Oh, my God 

 i thought youd be proud of me  

The Little Prince

 i brought you another flower 

 Oh thanks
 
thank you

 It’s fragile but also valuable 

 That’s very true 

 like our friendship 

 Yes, it is, isn’t it 

 But it isn’t going to last very long away from its roots
 Do you see what I mean

 I do 

 the flower is a metaphor 

 Yes 

 it is a metaphor
for me
 will you draw me another flower please

 another one? 

 yes please
a big one this time
 a flower with the heart of a princess

 the heart of a princess 

 yes but you mustn’t draw the princess
 i must only be able to sense her in the drawing of the flower

 what happened to the last flower i drew for you 

 a fox took it 

 a fox? 

 yes
a fox in a wooden top hat and a greatcoat made of whist came by
and asked if he could have it
 he said it cured his arthritis

 if i draw you another flower
 
do you think you will be able to hang onto it?

 i cannot predict what a fox will need 

 no right of course
well if i draw you another flower
will you at least tell me where you’ve been sleeping and showering
and getting food?
 
because my plane is still nowhere near fixed and i’m almost out of water

 now you are speaking like a grownup again
now when i look at my flower all i will think of is your greed
your lust for money
 your inability to see true beauty

 i’m just so thirsty all the time
you know my plane was shot down because I was in the war
right?
 
I was in a war

 i must go now 

 please
 
just tell me where you’re getting water

 my planet needs me 

About the Author

M
ALLORY
O
RTBERG
is the cocreator of The Toast, a general-interest Web site geared toward women. She has written for Gawker,
New York
magazine, The Hairpin, and
The Atlantic
. She lives in the Bay Area.

Henry Holt and Company, LLC

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Copyright © 2014 by Mallory Ortberg

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ortberg, Mallory.

  Texts from Jane Eyre: and other conversations with your favorite literary characters / Mallory Ortberg. — First edition.

      pages cm

    ISBN 978-1-62779-183-0 (hardback) — ISBN 978-1-62779-184-7 (electronic copy)

1. Text messages (Cell phone systems)—Humor. 2. Characters in literature—Humor. 3. Literature—Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.T565O78 2014

  818′.60208—dc23                  2014012891

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First Edition 2014

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copyright © 2014
by Madeline Gobbo

Designed by Meryl Sussman Levavi

Printed in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 1

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Notice

Contents

Part I

Medea
Gilgamesh
Achilles
Dido
Plato
Circe
Medea, Part II
King Midas
The Wife of Bath
William Blake
King Lear
John Donne
Hamlet
Don Quixote
Hamlet, Part II
René Descartes
William Wordsworth
Hamlet, Part III
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Hamlet, Part IV

Part II

Jane Eyre
Sherlock Holmes
Emily Dickinson
Oliver Twist
Lord Byron
John Keats
Emma
Pride and Prejudice
Moby-Dick
Great Expectations
Gone with the Wind
Edgar Allan Poe
Treasure Island
Gone with the Wind, Part II

Part III

“The Yellow Wallpaper”
Wuthering Heights
Little Women
Hamlet, Part V
Henry David Thoreau
Daisy Miller
The Island of Dr. Moreau
Daisy Miller, Part II
Les Misérables
A Tale of Two Cities
Rudyard Kipling
Daisy Miller, Part III
Daisy Miller, Part IV
The Sun Also Rises
Agatha Christie
The Great Gatsby
Daisy Miller, Part V
J. Alfred Prufrock
Virginia Woolf
William Faulkner
Daisy Miller, Part VI
Peter Pan
The Great Gatsby, Part II

Part IV

Sweet Valley High
The Outsiders
The American Girl Series
The Baby-Sitters Club
Nancy Drew
Atlas Shrugged
Fight Club
The Lorax
Rebecca
Cormac McCarthy
The Hunger Games
William Carlos Williams
Harry Potter
The Little Prince

About the Author

Copyright

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