Texts from Jane Eyre

Texts from
Jane Eyre

And Other Conversations with
Your Favorite Literary Characters

Mallory Ortberg

Henry Holt and Company
New York

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Contents

   
Part I   

Medea

Gilgamesh

Achilles

Dido

Plato

Circe

Medea, Part II

King Midas

The Wife of Bath

William Blake

King Lear

John Donne

Hamlet

Don Quixote

Hamlet
, Part II

René Descartes

William Wordsworth

Hamlet
, Part III

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Hamlet
, Part IV

   
Part II   

Jane Eyre

Sherlock Holmes

Emily Dickinson

Oliver Twist

Lord Byron

John Keats

Emma

Pride and Prejudice

Moby-Dick

Great Expectations

Gone with the Wind

Edgar Allan Poe

Treasure Island

Gone with the Wind
, Part II

   
Part III   

“The Yellow Wallpaper”

Wuthering Heights

Little Women

Hamlet
, Part V

Henry David Thoreau

Daisy Miller

The Island of Dr. Moreau

Daisy Miller
, Part II

Les Misérables

A Tale of Two Cities

Rudyard Kipling

Daisy Miller
, Part III

Daisy Miller
, Part IV

The Sun Also Rises

Agatha Christie

The Great Gatsby

Daisy Miller
, Part V

J. Alfred Prufrock

Virginia Woolf

William Faulkner

Daisy Miller
, Part VI

Peter Pan

The Great Gatsby
, Part II

   
Part IV   

Sweet Valley High

The Outsiders

The American Girl Series

The Baby-Sitters Club

Nancy Drew

Atlas Shrugged

Fight Club

The Lorax

Rebecca

Cormac McCarthy

The Hunger Games

William Carlos Williams

Harry Potter

The Little Prince

Part I

Medea

 hiiiiiiii 

 hi who is this 

 it’s Glauce right??
that is such a pretty name
I am so crazy about how pretty your name is
 “Jason and Glauce” sounds so good together

 thank you
 
who is this?

 when is the WEDDING
I hope you guys have the Argonauts as groomsmen
and they do the sword thing
you know where they make the little roof with their swords
and you run down underneath it
it’s so cute
oh my god what am I saying
you probably already have a million plans, it’s your wedding
it was just my favorite part of my wedding
(except for the part where I married Jason!!!)
(he is so fun to be married to)
 (tell him I say hi!!!)

 sorry
 
who is this

 So I know we got off on the wrong foot
 it’s Medea!! save my number okay

 oh
 
Hello

 but I wanted you to know
I do not have any of even the littlest hard feelings
all of my feelings about you are just
so soft
and so normal
 just normal soft feelings that you’re going to love

 okay 

 anyhow so to SHOW YOU how soft my feelings are
I got you guys a wedding present!!!
I know it’s not really “traditional” for the old wife to buy the new
wife a gift
(especially when she is still technically married to Jason)
(who tell him I say hi!!!)
 buuuut I couldn’t help myself

 oh! you must mean the box that came on Thursday 

 yessss I TOTALLY MEAN THAT 

 it’s a dress 

 it’s a wedding dress 

 thank you
I mean, I already have a wedding dress picked out
 
but this is very sweet

 do you know what you should do though
you should put it on
you should put it on your skin and wear it just for a minute
(be sure to put it on your skin)
 

Gilgamesh