Texts from Jane Eyre (7 page)

Authors: Mallory Ortberg

BOOK: Texts from Jane Eyre

4.15Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

hey
do you think we could just stay in tonight maybe
i’m so wiped out from last night
we could just stay in
get in our jammies and not see anyone
maybe build a fire

oh wow

really?

hahaha i’m kidding
there’s already a sex pigeon in your room
i’m coming over in five minutes

by the way
do you have that cream from before
the anti chafing cream
we’re going to need a lot of it
to prevent chafing

oh okay

choirboys chafe easy imho

uuuuuuuughhh
nothing’s any good

what’s the matter

EVERYTHING
do you realize i’m never going to be able to have sex with the rain

i didn’t know you wanted to have sex with the rain

of course i want to have sex with the rain
how can you even say that
i feel like you don’t even know me

maybe
you should focus

on all the things that you can have sex with

Yeah maybe
i just want to live you know

right

i want to have a threesome with the moon and jealousy

right

Yeah and i want to do it with the rain but i can’t
uuuuuuuughhhh
i should just go die in Greece

what?

nothing

I wrote a poem today
do you want to hear it

okay

Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tribute to the Memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.
hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
it’s for sure SOME

no sorry

fuck
i gotta write some letters
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh

John Keats

oh my god
oh my god
do you know what I LOVE
like what I am just crazy about

is it this urn

THIS
URN

I figured

you seemed really excited

THIS GRECIAN URN

it’s really pretty

FUCK OFF WITH THAT REALLY PRETTY BULLSHIT
IT’S THE BRIDE OF QUIETNESS
IT’S THE CHILD OF TIME AND OF SILENCE AND IT’S SO GOOD
IT’S LIKE IMAGINARY MUSIC
I FUCKING LOVE THIS URN SO MUCH
IT’S GOT A PRIEST ON IT
HE’S ALL MYSTERIOUS
FUCKIN MYSTERIOUS PRIEST
THERE’S A COW ON IT
WEARING FLOWERS
AND MAIDENS
IT’S GOT TRUTH ON IT
THIS URN TELLS THE GODDAMN TRUTH
IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

right, right

FUCK YOU
ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT IT

I am

I am looking at it

ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING AT IT

I am

I swear

like really look at it though

okay

okay I will

good
Sorry

it’s okay

I didn’t mean to get so carried away

I know

I just love this urn
so much

it really is a great urn

it really is
i just love it so much

I know

it’s okay

Emma

darling Emma
have you seen our friend Mr. Martin?

he was to take me to tea this afternoon but he isn’t here

oh Harriet!
do you really still like him??

oh
I did

Yes

i told him you were not virtuous
and i think that got rid of him
i didn’t think you still liked him
you wouldn’t have liked him for much longer anyhow
lol what would your name even have been if
you married him
“Mrs. Farmer”??
that’s not even a name, Harriet
“hi I’m Mrs. Farmer I’m married to a farm”
bugs live on farms, Harriet
also
for another thing
he is dreadful at whist
oooh
do you want to come over and play whist??

wait
i think it was Mr. Martin
i definitely told SOMEONE you were not virtuous
lollll
idk who exactly but
it was for sure definitely someone

Father
I want to make a new house rule
no more servants getting married
remember when Miss Taylor got married?
it was awful
we didn’t have enough people in the house to play whist for weeks
anyhow
I guess what I’m trying to say is
I told Hannah she has to turn down Mr. Smith
I was firm but fair
she’s the only one in the servant’s hall to ever lead a grand slam
and she wanted to throw that away
just because she is with child
anyhow
want to come downstairs and play whist???

One new voicemail from Jane Fairfax
Press 7 to save your message
Press 8 to delete your message