Texts from Jane Eyre (9 page)

 hey what are you doing
 like right now

 i am shrouded in blackness
in ten times black
 
i am tending to the oil vats and stripping the fat

 awesome
awesome
 that sounds awesome

 Do you need something from me, Captain? 

 not really
I guess not
 are you with Queequeg right now

 he is in his bunk
 
recovering from his brush with death

 cool cool
 will you tell him I say hi?

 certainly 

 great
it’s not a big deal or anything
you can make it sound casual
ask him what he’s doing for dinner
if he wants to have dinner in the captain’s quarters
with me obviously
haha
like obviously I wouldn’t ask him to just have dinner
 by himself in a weird new part of the ship all alone

 Is there any other message I should give him? 

 hmm? 

 About the hunt tomorrow? 

 hunt tomorrow 

 For the whale
For the white whale
 
for the white whale, or the devil

 yesss oh yes definitely
yes for sure that is still on
whales whales whales
I am super prepared for whales
 Tomorrow

 I will tell him
 
Would you like me to ask him if he will attend the hunt, then?

 oh my God
 why so many Queequeg questions

 Captain? 

 you’re just
asking a lot of questions about him is all
 it’s kind of like you’re obsessed with him or something

 do you ever worry
that the whale is like
 a metaphor

 a metaphor? 

 yeah 

 sometimes 

 me too
me too
 do you wanna nail stuff to the mast?

 yeah 

 ok 

 be there in five 

 Sir, the crew begs that you leave off your mad pursuit
We are sick from it, we are sick to the point of perishing
 
We must return to port

 oh
yes
terribly mad
I’m just mad for
revenge and so on
 all types of revenge for my legs, and whatnot

 Sir? 

 leg
just the leg
 he only took the one leg right

 Captain, I do not know what the whale took from you 

 oh I’m just
furious about it
the legs, I mean
 and the whale

 Please 

 Did you know that the digestive organs of the whale are so
inscrutably constructed that it is quite impossible for him to
 completely digest even a man’s arm?

 I didn’t 

 well it’s true
think about that
 think about that the next time you’re thinking about whales

Great Expectations

 Sarah, darling!
 Got your note

 oh lovely 

 couldn’t possibly make it over for the christening
as I’m simply swamped at the moment
(you may recall I was left at the altar
 and have spent the intervening years reeling from the betrayal)

 yes I remember 

 Wish terribly I could make it
but you know how it is
 being jilted

 Well
 
we’ll set out a piece of cake for you just in case

 Please don’t worry about me
I’m surrounded by the ruins of an aching, hopeless love that’s
slowly congealing into poison
so I’m keeping busy
 much love to the baby

 thank you 

 if it’s a boy I hope you drown it 

 Pip
 Pip what are you doing right now

 I’m at work
 
what’s up

 did you know that my name would have been Mrs. Compeyson
 if I’d married my fiancé Mr. Compeyson

 really 

 but I never did marry him 

 right 

 because as you recall
I was abandoned on my wedding day
by my fiancé
(Mr. Compeyson)
and have never never
never recovered
but I’m just thrilled to hear that you’re doing so well
just Havisham will do for now
 unless he comes back

 is there anything in particular you need from me right now? 

 all men are dogs Pip 

 okay 

 write that down 

 I will 

 really write it down though
 are you writing it down?

 yes 

 I think you’re just saying you’re writing it down 

 no I wrote it down 

 Estella what are you doing tonight
 do you want to come over and look at wedding photos

 I don’t think I can 

 that’s okay
I never had wedding photos anyway
because I never got to have a wedding
 I don’t know if I ever told you that

 I never want to see another save the date invite again 

 oh my godddd
 Has she been doing it to you too?

 YES
or like
I think so
because I keep getting pictures of wedding dresses from a
 
blocked number

Gone with the Wind

 where r u 

 Scarlett I’m at work
 
I can’t text right now

 need u at mill 

 Scarlett I have the baby with me I really can’t come to the mill 

 what baby 

 My baby.
 
Beau. My baby with Melanie.

 guess what kind of corset im wearing 

 I don’t see what this has to do with 

 im not ;)