The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (30 page)

In view of what we have said, the reader may conclude that we reject all family planning, but this is not the case. The Bible says nothing about the number of children one should have in a given lifetime. God leaves that decision up to each couple. Personally we don’t believe He is against restricting the size of one’s family, but we do believe He is opposed to excluding a family altogether.

Almost all Christians today seem to believe in limiting the size of their families. Why do we say this? According to medical science, a normal woman unhindered by any form of birth control is capable of having as many as twenty children during her childbearing years. Since we have yet to meet a Christian family with twenty children, we suspect that they have utilized some method of reducing that potential number. Realistically speaking, each couple should prayerfully and thoughtfully bring into the world the number of children they can properly train to serve God, welcoming each child as a gift from Him.

For the past twenty-five years we have traveled this country, holding over eight hundred two-day Family Life Seminars in civic halls, churches, schools, and anywhere people will listen to biblical principles on family living. Over one million people have attended these seminars and other millions have read our many books on marriage and family relations, including this one. We are convinced that it is still possible to raise children to love and serve God, even in this day of graphic moral decline. But every prospective parent should realize that to do so will take more priority time and effort than it did in their parents’ generation. For if they spend only the time and effort raising their children that their parents spent on them, they will not succeed as well as their parents.

Our reason for saying this is that parents of the past generation had a positive or at least a neutral culture that influenced their children. Today our official institutions like education, the media, and the entertainment industry have unprecedented access to our children’s minds; and everyone knows these institutions are not controlled by those who share the traditional values of America that two generations ago were essentially based on the Bible. In fact, a good case could be made that many leaders of those agencies, based on their own products, have no moral commitment whatsoever but enjoy destroying our once-great culture. However, although the resultant hostile culture makes raising good children today more difficult, we are convinced it still can be done. That is, if the parents are willing to use the ministry of a Bible-teaching church to uphold and proclaim those moral principles that every child needs to be trained in to prepare him or her for life. Many of these principles will be found in our book
Against the Tide: How to Raise Sexually Pure Kids in an “Anything Goes” World.
¹

All of this brings us back to the all-important question, “How many children should you have today?” Currently the national average is 1.8 children per family. Christians tend to have slightly larger families than the general population. One reason for this is that we believe children are “a heritage from the Lord” and that it is not just a matter of biology, but the two lovers are permitted by God to create another eternal soul. That is an awesome responsibility. Every couple should make up their own minds how many children they should have. We think a Christian couple should have all the children they think they can reasonably have, and with God’s help raise them to love and serve Him. It is at least a twenty- to thirty-year commitment, but it can be the most enjoyable and satisfying two or three decades of life.

Methods of Birth Control

Most young couples plan some form of birth control, beginning right from their wedding night. The wise bride will select a date for her wedding day that does not coincide with her period or her highest fertility week, which is ten to fourteen days after her last period. Some young women are very regular and can set their wedding date months in advance. Others are not so fortunate and find their body cycle changes after the invitations are sent out. Generally speaking, she will find that her safe days are one week before her period until five days afterward. During the rest of her monthly cycle she is vulnerable to pregnancy.

Today most young couples prefer a few months to become more familiar with each other before starting a family. Others, because of educational or other such considerations, may want to delay even longer. Unfortunately, the tendency in our day is for couples to wait until the wife is beyond the physically ideal years for childbirth, which are usually eighteen to twenty-seven. That does not mean that women cannot safely have children after the age of thirty and even forty, of course. But as your doctor has probably told you, if complications arise in the birth process, they are more likely to appear if you delay childbirth. We are convinced that God intended
young
adults to bear children when their bodies and nerves are best able to cope with them. We could, of course, be biased in that assessment since all four of our children were born before Beverly was twenty-nine years old. The benefits are that we were young enough to be able to enjoy them and their children. Our grandchildren like to brag to their friends that they can still snow ski and water ski with both their parents and grandparents. Such are only some of the blessings of young parenting.

Birth control is a very personal decision, one of the first a young couple should have settled before their wedding day. Some people, for religious reasons, do not believe in contraceptives. We respect that and feel each couple should be convinced in their own minds what is the best plan for them. We recommend a joint visit to the doctor and the self-study necessary for the couple to become fully informed on the subject. If they do nothing, they will likely become early parents—and, as we have implied above, that can be a great blessing.

Ours is one of the first generations that has had near failure-proof means of limiting family size. As early as the 1500s, attempts were made to sheathe the penis to keep the semen from surging into the vagina on ejaculation. This concept was not popular because the sheaths used were so thick they almost eliminated sensation. In the twentieth century many advances were made, particularly the use of rubber condoms, which is probably the most common form used today.

New methods are continually being developed and sold as preventions of conception. However, some forms of “contraception,” such as the IUD and RU486, are actually abortifacients; that is, they do not prevent conception, but rather destroy life after conception. We, of course, cannot recommend such procedures. In addition, there are two kinds of birth-control procedures that should be considered—reversible and irreversible. We definitely do not believe young couples should consider irreversible procedures until they are absolutely certain they have all the children they feel led of God to raise to serve Him. The following are listed in the order we recommend them.

1.
The Pill.
The most effective is the pill—between one and five pregnancies for every thousand users.

It is estimated that fifteen to twenty million women in the United States are on the pill. When it first came out, the number of adverse side effects reported made many women reluctant to use it. But modern research has reduced many of these by discovering that a milder dosage is just as effective and is safer for use over a long period. Statistically the pill is less hazardous to life and health than smoking, driving, or swimming.

About one-fourth the size of a standard aspirin tablet, the pill must be prescribed by a physician. Different kinds require one tablet daily for twenty, twenty-one, or twenty-eight consecutive days each month. When the tablets are taken as directed, it is believed that they control ovulation, for no egg has ripened. Thus sperm may freely enter the oviducts without the possibility of conception occurring. In this way the oral tablet provides the advantage of protection at all times.

Because of its safety and simplicity, we consider the pill the preferred method for a new bride in the early stages of marriage. Then, after she and her husband have both learned the art of married love, she may decide on some other method. We suggest that she see her doctor at least two months prior to her wedding and follow his advice carefully.

2.
Condom with cream or foam.
When used in conjunction with a contraceptive jelly, cream, or foam, the condom has produced less than ten pregnancies per thousand women and is quite inexpensive. The condom, often referred to as a prophylactic, pro, sheath, or rubber, is the world’s most often used artificial method for conception control.

The condom has many advantages. It is available at drugstores without a medical prescription, it is free from side effects, visible proof of effectiveness is available immediately after intercourse, it is simple and easy to use, and it places the responsibility for birth control on the husband, which some wives consider a distinct advantage.

Certain drawbacks are normally ascribed to the condom. First, it may reduce sensation to the penis, but for many couples this is an advantage in helping to delay the husband’s ejaculation; second, it is an interruption to sexual foreplay, but this objection can be easily overcome with the right attitudes when the wife lovingly places the condom on her husband’s penis as an erotic part of sexual foreplay; third, there is discomfort to the wife without some lubrication, but this may be resolved through the purchase of lubricated condoms hermetically sealed or the use of contraceptive jelly for lubricating, which serves a double purpose by affording added safety. Do not use petroleum-base lubricant, for this may be harmful to rubber. It is usually good to put a small amount of the lubricant inside the condom to provide lubrication directly to the head of the penis. There is the possibility of having a defective device, perhaps a minute, undetectable pinhole in the condom. However, even with such a pinhole, there would be less than one in three million chances for a pregnancy resulting from this small imperfection.

Many couples do not know that they may purchase a high-grade latex rubber condom and reuse it many times by simply washing it thoroughly with soap and water, drying with a towel, then powdering it with talcum powder or cornstarch and inspecting it thoroughly by blowing it up like a balloon and holding it up to a good diffused light. If no flaws appear, slip the condom onto the first and second fingers and, with these fingers spread apart, roll it up just as it was originally.

In summary, the condom continues to be the world’s most widely used and universally understood method of contraception. When properly used, it is quite effective—but not perfect even when used correctly. It has been estimated that three out of one hundred wives who use condoms properly for one year get pregnant. Assuming two lovemaking experiences a week during that time, that would mean three pregnancies for over ten thousand uses—admittedly, a pretty safe procedure
if
used correctly. Unfortunately, many couples use a combination of
coitus interruptus
and the condom. That is, to assure sensitivity and feeling, they wait until they have almost reached orgasm, withdraw, and then slip on a condom. What they do not realize is that even before ejaculation the penis can secrete seminal fluid containing some sperm. The husband may dutifully withdraw, place the condom on his penis, and not realize that some sperm may already be on its way to his wife’s fallopian tubes, where she can be impregnated. Obviously, such a procedure, which is more common than most people think, is not the fault of the condom but of the user. In addition, even when done properly the man must be careful afterward to make sure he grips the mouth of the condom to assure that no semen gets into his wife’s vagina. Sperm cells are incredibly active.

3.
Diaphragm.
The vaginal diaphragm is a strong, lightweight rubber cap somewhat smaller than the palm of the hand. It was the first medically accepted contraceptive, developed over eighty years ago. The thin rim of the diaphragm is made of a ring-shaped, rubber-covered metal spring. Because the spring is flexible, the whole diaphragm can be compressed and passed easily into the vagina. It is then released in the upper widening canal of the vagina, where it covers the cervix like a dome-shaped lid.

The distance from the back wall of the vagina to the pubic bone varies from woman to oman. For this reason, diaphragms are made in a variety of sizes. During a pelvic examination that offers no discomfort to the woman, the doctor must measure this distance in order to select the proper diaphragm for her. As properly instructed by the physician, the diaphragm must be inserted prior to intercourse, preferably several hours before intercourse. If the diaphragm fits properly, neither mate should be aware of its presence.

The diaphragm acts as a barrier or deflector, preventing sperm from entering the uterus, but to be effective, it must be covered on the side next to the cervix with a spermicidal jelly or cream made for this purpose. If extra lubrication is desired during intercourse, choose a jelly; if extra lubrication is not needed, select a contraceptive cream. The spermicidal preparations are placed on the diaphragm to kill all sperm on contact, and we must emphatically warn you that the diaphragm is almost worthless without a spermicidal preparation. You may be able to use the same diaphragm for many years if you find no flaws in it.

The diaphragm is a well-established, proven method that affords many women the security of the physical barrier in addition to the spermicide. The diaphragm has no effect on future fertility.

4.
Vaginal foam.
Vaginal foam, containing spermicides, has been used for over sixty years. It allows about seventy-six pregnancies per thousand women and costs very little.

Spermicidal products used by themselves for the control of conception contain chemicals that, when placed in the vagina, will kill sperm without harming the delicate vaginal tissue. These products, available in three forms—foams, cream, and a synthetic gel—are applied with a slim, plastic vaginal applicator that automatically measures the proper amount. They are so effective that only one application is required before each act of intercourse, and the woman need not douche after its use. In fact, she should wait at least six hours if she douches at all. Foams are significantly more effective than rhythm, withdrawal, suppositories, or douching. Many women have found this method to be safe, effective, and reliable.