The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (26 page)

“... Followed by a
liver transplant,” Paige finished for him.

“Yeah. And so I
thought I'd invite you around.”

“Without Claire?”
Jack hummed, and Paige smiled. “It's OK, I sort of like you.” Jack
was only wearing a bow tie and pulled out a chair containing a
towel. The table was set out with tablecloths, candles and
decorations. “You know, it's not a normal request. Please strip in
the hallway.”

Jack chortled.
“With anyone else I would have got a slap, with you, I just got a
naked young lady!” Paige smiled and Jack returned with a chilled
bottle of wine, pouring a small amount into Paige's glass. She
looked at him. “What?”

“Try it.”

“It's wine.” She
gulped it down and shrugged. “White wine.”

“It's a very nice
wine,” he told her and filled her glass to the top. “It's a Prager
Achleiten. Lucinda loves it, but she's always had very expensive
taste.” He filled his glass up and then returned from the kitchen
with two bowls of carrot and coriander soup. Paige sniffed it and
smiled.

“I didn't know you
were a cook,” she told him. “All that time when you moaned about
Claire's cooking and …”

“I had a bit of
help,” he admitted. “But I did most of it myself. I used to cook
for me and Ellie all the time.”

Paige picked up a
spoon, and Jack had to stop her. “The soup spoon is this round
one.”

“Does it matter?”
Paige asked with a smile. “A spoon's a spoon, right?”

Jack looked at the
naked red-haired girl and smiled. “No,” he admitted and swapped his
soup spoon for his dessert spoon. “I guess not.”

“So what am I
doing here? I guess this isn't a date as you had loads of time to
hit on me when we were touring and didn't.”

Jack stumbled over
his words. “No. It's not that. It's … I like spending time with you
and I know Claire is out tonight. She has a 'commitment' which I
think is Claire-speak for a date, and I know you've got nothing
on.”

“I never have
anything on if I can get away with it!” Paige joked and flaunted
her naked body, causing Jack to giggle.

“Well I thought we
could have a nice meal, watch a film and curl up in a sleeping
bag,” he asked. “And then I'll drive you home or get a taxi.”
Paige's smile flickered, and Jack bit his lip.

“OK,” Paige
muttered and blew on her hot soup. “I don't think Claire does have
a date. She just has family things to do.” Jack nodded and Paige
looked up at him. “So, what do you make of our success?” Paige
asked, changing the subject. Jack snorted and raised his
eyebrows.

“I don't know how
much money we are making, but I can't help feeling that we could be
really successful, and it's such fun. You make everything fun and
Claire is such a laugh, and I think I've got it made.”

“What about Peter
Moran?”

“Who cares 'bout
them. I loved your little stunt, going to his radio show. You
nailed him good and proper. I liked that. And the way you
annihilated him on Claire. It's good.”

“Yeah, she rang me
that night, was well taken with it.” Paige slurped the last of her
soup and looked at her companion for the evening. “And you said I
couldn't win.”

“It's only
half-time,” Jack reminded her. “But yeah, I was surprised at how
well you backed him into a corner.”

“And I saw you on
TV. Andre told me to watch. You nailed that Christian bitch good
and proper.”

Jack blushed and
murmured into his soup. “Cheers.”

“Tell me. Are you
glad that I didn't do what you said and walk away from the group
when those agents came calling?”

“Yes,” Jack
admitted. “I can't explain how excited I feel about … stuff now. It
was crap six months ago. Did I tell you that Ellie rang me? She and
Ian have split up and wants us to get back together.”

“I hope you told
her where to go.”

“Of course I did,”
Jack snapped. “I don't want to see her again. I've moved on. But it
felt so good telling her that.” Paige watched him and he shrugged.
“I said a few other things as well and it just came pouring out of
me. Don't know where it all came from.”

“Good,” Paige
muttered. “She didn't sound like a nice person.”

“No. Not like you
or Claire. And both of you are prettier and better musicians. And
…” Jack blushed as Paige grinned at him.

“Someone'll hear
you, and they'll think you're in love.”

Jack opened his
mouth and then closed it again, before clearing up the plates and
passing Paige a salmon salad as a “fish course,” followed by fillet
steak with a peppercorn sauce, a cheese selection and then a
raspberry Pavlova.

“This wine is way
too sweet,” Paige moaned.

“It's a dessert
wine,” Jack replied and poured her out a coffee.

“Right. Well I
prefer the other one.” Jack smiled and rubbed his eyes. “You don't
need to make it so obvious that I embarrass you at times,” she
grumbled. “I do know it. But I didn't grow up with all this finery.
Dad's always worked long hours, when we used to live in Croydon we
never saw him, and at eight, I moved to the little flat above a
shop. Times have always been hard for us, so we don't have many
different wines, or multiple courses. Hell, if we had yoghurts
after our dinner that was a luxury.”

“Yoghurts?” Jack
wondered.

“Yes, and I know
this sounds stupid, but I'm not from your world and you make it so
obvious that …”

“I don't,” Jack
moaned, and Paige waved her hands around the house.

“Look at this
place, I could never afford to live here.” Jack raised his eyebrows
at her. “We won't make that much money from our music. And you have
grown up a world away from me.”

“I know,” Jack
muttered. “But that means nothing. I have embraced what you hold
dear – naturism, for example. And I never mean to make you feel
bad. I wouldn't.” Paige scratched her nose. “Meeting you was one of
the best things that ever happened to me. If I hadn't, then I would
be at the factory trying to follow in my Dad's footsteps instead of
making great music with two talented friends.” Paige blushed, and
he held out his hand. “I've got a great film to watch if you want
to. It's called Juno.”

“Seen it,” Paige
replied instantly. “But it's a good film, I'll watch it again.”
Jack walked into the lounge and picked up the DVD.

“I've got some
popcorn to do if you want.”

“I couldn't eat
another thing,” Paige moaned. “Have you got a TV in your room?” She
and Jack nodded. “And a double bed and duvet?”

“Yeah.”

“Then come on
then,” Paige said, grabbing him by the hand. “You're not getting
laid, but you might get a goodnight kiss,” she teased. “Come on
it's Friday, live a little. See if this 'great friend' is going to
cuddle up to you.”

Jack could only
laugh at Paige's drunken expression. “It'll be like we are on tour
again!”

* *
* * *

“Where are we
going?” Paige moaned. “It's like, 7am in the morning. And a Sunday.
I am sure it's illegal to get me and Hazel up at this time of the
morning.” The two sisters yawned and stretched.

“Getting ourselves
on the front of the newspapers,” Claire replied. “That's why Jack
has brought his video camera.”

“I am not becoming
a suicide bomber, I told you that! I'm far too pretty to be blown
up.” Jack laughed and giggled at Paige stretching out on the chairs
of the minibus.

“It's that Sue
Garratt. She came out in favour of the Russian President and Church
and stuff on Friday.” Paige shrugged.

“What?”

“Pussy Riot. Don't
you ever read the news?”

“No,” Paige
sneered. “What a stupid thing to say. It's just boring and …”

“Oh shut up!”
Claire snapped and sighed, before explaining who Pussy Riot were
and what had happened, in a biased and partisan manner. “So, we are
going to pay Christian Outrage a visit. At their church. Especially
after what she said on Peter Moran's show yesterday. Weren't you
listening?”

“Course not,”
Paige snapped. “So why 7am? Church isn't until 10, right?”

“No,” Claire told
her. “Well yes. But they are based in Southend. The main people in
Christian Outrage and Sue Garratt all attend the same church – and
it is hours away.”

Paige lay back on
the chair and groaned. “Wake me when we get there.” It took a
little longer to get to Southend as Jack got lost as they navigated
towards the tunnel that took them under River Thames and then
towards the seaside port.

Jack had to brake
sharply to avoid a cyclist and the violent stopping motion of the
vehicle dumped the dozing and horizontal Paige onto the floor, and
caused a volley of profanity to leave the lips of the beautiful
singer towards the wobbling man on his two-wheeled vehicle. “What?”
Paige asked Claire, aggressively. “You think I shouldn't tell him,
he was a 'twat?'”

“No,” Claire
replied. “I am just thinking it is a headline we could do without.”
Paige muttered under her breath and returned to her horizontal
position on the minibus chairs, nursing her bruised sides.

They arrived at
the little church in the suburbs of Southend and had to wait in the
vehicle for half-an-hour; Claire wanted their entrance to be at
“the perfect moment.” Jack had stopped the minibus in the next
street, but as 11am approached and when the band thought Christian
Outrage were half way through their church service, Jack slowly
reversed the minibus into the small car park and stopped outside
the church entrance. They could hear organ music coming from inside
the building, and Claire took a few deep breaths.

“Now I am here, I
am not so sure,” she muttered, but Paige shrugged.

“So what? It's
only Christian Outrage. What's the worst that can happen?”

“We get arrested,”
Claire replied and looked pale.

“What? Again!
Look, you woke me up at some ridiculous hour, drove me across the
country, threw me on the floor of a minibus. It better be for a
damned good reason,” Paige ranted, and Claire nodded.

“I'm being silly.
Right, slight change. I am on vocals with you,” she told Paige.
“And Jack has the amp.” She waited for Paige to mutter something
and then added. “It's battery powered. And we have our backing
track without our voices on CD to play. But it's in and out in two
minutes. Hazel's going to record on camera.”

“Right.” Paige
looked at Hazel who had a video camera in her hand, holding it in
front of her face and pointing it around the minibus. “Shall we get
stripped?”

“You want to do
this as a naked protest?” Jack asked.

“Well yeah, why
not?”

“Because … because
we really will get arrested!”

“Nonsense,” Paige
replied. “What's the point of the Bare Necessities protesting if we
want to wear our clothes. Feeble!” Claire nodded.

“Yeah, that was
the point.”

“Ahh, do it for
me!” Paige begged her male band mate. “I'll give you a kiss.”

“You always give
me a kiss,” Jack demanded. “You are always kissing me.” He snorted
and sighed. “Come on then.”

The three of them
checked around the vehicle for anyone watching, and got undressed.
Jack was shaking with fear, but both Claire and Paige were excited
and eagerly disrobed. Hazel was filming them and Claire realised,
looking into the camera.

“Two days ago, the
fascists in Russia sentenced three members of Pussy Riot to jail
for over a year. Their crime? Performing in a church. While the
ludicrously harsh sentences were criticised around the world, the
fascists at this church, known as Christian Outrage welcomed the
sentence. Well, we are here to give them a little reminder that we
support the heroines at Pussy Riot. We are here to do a little
rendition of a cover from our album.” Hazel looked around the bus
and the three naked performers smiled and nodded.

Jack got out the
vehicle at the front and opened the side door to allow Paige and
Hazel to disembark from the minibus. He picked up the heavy amp as
well as the two microphones and a tiny portable music device. He
left the door open, but put the car keys on a chain around his neck
and the three of them walked up the steps and stood outside the
door. “Just waitin',” Claire told the camera as Jack attached the
wireless microphone receivers to the amp and turned it on. Claire
gave a deep breath, smiled and nodded.

Paige was suddenly
nervous and closed her eyes as the doors burst open. She hesitated
for a split second as the whole congregation turned to look at them
and Jack put the amp on the floor in the aisle. “Two days ago, you
condemned Pussy Riot,” Claire shouted into her microphone, and the
sound filled the hall. “So we are here to tell you that was wrong.”
Sue Garratt struggled to her feet near the front.

“This is God's
house,” she shouted at the naked three teenagers. “And you shall
...”

Her words were cut
off as Jack started the backing track and Paige began to sing.
“Look inside, look inside your tiny mind and look a bit harder,
cause we're so uninspired, so sick and tired of all the hatred you
harbour.” Claire ran towards the front of the aisle and gestured
towards the shocked vicar and members of the Christian pressure
group.

“So you say it's
not okay to be nude, well we think you're just evil, you're just
some fascist who can't see the future; your point of view is
medieval,” the two girls sang as Sue Garratt desperately tried to
shout over the two singers, but was unable to compete with the
powerful amplifier. Several of the congregation had resorted to
jeering at the two girls, and a couple of the younger members were
trying to film the unfolding protest on their mobile phones.

“Fuck you, fuck
you very, very much.” The profane words caused the vitriol towards
the singers to increase and Paige knew they couldn't stay for much
longer. They had the element of surprise and shock, but they knew
someone would be calling the Police, and she gestured towards her
friend. “Cause we hate what you do, and we hate your whole crew, so
please don't stay in touch!”