The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (27 page)

Claire skipped
down the aisle and blew Sue Garratt a kiss. “Fuck you,” the mild
mannered girl screeched. “Free Pussy Riot,” she yelled and the four
of them ran out of the church and jumped into the back of the
minibus with the equipment while Jack started the engine and sped
down the road to put as much distance between the church and
themselves before stopping in a side street to get dressed.

“Amazing,” Hazel
cried and giggled.

“That's how you
deal with small-minded nutters who don't like you,” Paige told
her.

“You beat them
at their own game?” Claire told her.

“No,” Paige
sneered. “You fight dirty.”

1. Chapter
   XIX
   

“And have a report
from Southend,” the radio host announced.

“Turn it up, turn
it up,” Paige screeched and Jack looked up from the motorway to
touch the radio.

“That the band The
Bare Necessities, made an expletive-filled stop at the church of
Christian Outrage founder, Sue Garratt, to protest at her support
for the sentences given to Pussy Riot. We go live to Iqbal, on the
scene for us. Iqbal, what happened?”

“Well it appears
that around two hours ago, four naked protesters …”

“Three,” Paige
corrected the radio. “Sloppy journalists. Hazel was clothed during
her filming.”

“...Burst into the
Sunday church service and aimed a song from their album at Sue
Garratt and swore repeatedly, before being ejected.”

“Pah,” Paige
snorted and Claire glared at her, before putting a finger over her
lips.

“I have with me,
Christian Outrage founder, Sue Garratt. Sue, what exactly did they
do?”

“Well as you said.
These … heathens, these terrorists burst into the service, violated
the sacredness of the church and sang the most disgusting song I
have ever heard, spitting dangerous lyrics towards me. There are
children in the audience, and they shouldn't be hearing that sort
of material. It's depravity. Pure depravity. Something should be
done about it, and I will be talking to the Police.”

“Do you have a
message for the Bare Necessities if they are listening?”

“Stop,” Sue said
firmly and Paige burst into hysterics. “Just stop. It's not too
late to repent. But them corrupting society has to stop, and we at
Christian Outrage will do our best to stop them.”

Claire's phone
vibrated and the good natured girl answered it by pressing the
speakerphone option. “Claire?”

“Yes.”

“Where are
you?”

“Travelling back
from Southend,” Claire giggled and he swore.

“So it was
you.”

“Yep,” Claire said
proudly “Sweet, huh?”

“No,” Andre said
firmly. “Bloody stupid. What you've done is just raised the profile
of one of the few people who had a problem with you. And media
loves conflict. Christian Outrage are going to get a lot of media
time now thanks to you, is that what you want?”

“But so will we,
surely?” Claire muttered.

“No. Everyone
knows about you. Your songs get airplay, and you are well known.
Sue Garratt less so. So now you will be on the front page with this
nutter trying to get you banned. Is that what you wanted?”

“But … but.”

“Next time, can
you please talk to me about your stunts.”

“I think we are
being told off,” Paige whispered.

“Yes. I heard
that. And yes you are. I know you meant well and you probably do
feel for Pussy Riot, but this is certainly not the way to go about
promoting your cause.”

Claire gulped and
sniffed. “Is that it?”

“Yes,” Andre said
firmly. “Any idea on how to spin this, Claire? 'Cause I will have
editors left, right and centre asking for a quote. Asking why my
clients just swore at a bunch of kids at church.”

“Just say that the
band were so shocked by her evil words that …”

“... You decided
to interrupt a church service. That's like slapping Mother Teresa
to some people.” Andre ranted for another five minutes with Paige
muttering that they could just sack him.

“He's right,”
Claire admitted as she put the phone down. “What a stupid
idea.”

“Your stupid
idea,” Paige reminded her. “I lost my sleep for nothing.”

“Will you stop
moaning about your sleep?” Claire snapped. “And I'm sorry. I
thought it would work and send a message about Pussy Riot.”

Hazel shrugged.
“But we still have the video,” she muttered. Claire hummed and
looked out the window as the countryside raced by and then jumped
when her phone vibrated again. She refused the call, but Andre rang
back a second and third time.

He clearly gave up
trying to get hold of Claire as Paige's phone rang, and she pressed
“answer” and put it on speakerphone.

“Guys,” Andre
called excitedly. “Are you free tonight?”

The three of them
looked at each other. “Yeah, why?” Claire asked.

“I need to catch
up on my sleep,” Paige objected.

“Flee Wilson is
playing tonight at Wembley.”

“And you have
tickets?” Paige cried. “Oh, I love you. She defined women in rock
along with Joan Jett in the seventies. Oh Andre …”

“No Paige, she
wants you to open the show. She's a fan, and she liked what you did
in Southend. And her first choice pulled out. She wants you to
…”

Andre didn't get
to finish as three extremely excited teenagers yelled at each
other. “Yes,” screamed Paige. “We'll do it! We'll do it!”

* *
* * *

“Pardon?”

“Paige says she
won't talk to you unless you are naked,” Claire replied as she held
their dressing room door ajar.

“Why?”

“Because she is in
an awkward mood,” Claire teased. Paige hissed at her friend.

“It's not me that
wants to see him naked,” Paige exclaimed. “It's you.”

“Ssssshhhhh!” The
black-haired voluptuous girl moaned and pushed her hair behind her
ear. She rubbed her mouth to remove the biscuit crumbs and even
straightened her pubic hair. “Are you naked yet?”

“I'm in the middle
of the corridor,” their agent moaned. “I can't get undressed. I
just need to speak to you. Let me in.”

“Paige says no
bare ass, no chat.”

“Claire, please
tell Paige that I can't get undressed here.”

“Ahh Paige says
…”

“Paige says come
in,” the red-haired girl cried and opened the door to their suited
agent. She shut the door as Claire glared at her and then turned to
face the well-presented man. “And now get those clothes off.”

“But …”

“Just do as she
says. Claire wants to see you naked.” Claire blushed, and Paige
just shrugged as she walked to the back of the dressing room where
a make-up artist was finishing her craft on Jack. Paige picked up
Jack's phone and took a picture of the stripping Andre and uploaded
it to the band's social networking presence with the caption, “even
our agent gets naked for us.” Jack snatched his phone back as it
finished uploading and Paige giggled.

“You are a naughty
girl,” he teased when he saw the picture.

“Leave it,” Paige
begged and looked across at Andre's frown. “What's up?”

“Christian Outrage
are protesting outside the stadium,” she was told. “Five hundred
people are here, and the Police are worried …”

“What, that there
may be a mass tea-and-biscuits session,” Claire flippantly added.
“Seriously, what are a group of middle-aged religious extremists
going to do?”

“I don't know, but
they are protesting and it has drawn news cameras. So please,
Paige, Claire be on your best behaviour. We could really do with
you not inflaming the situation.”

“You should have
been a school teacher,” Paige moaned. “Every time you talk I think
I am being told off.” Andre shook his head and Paige sighed. “OK. I
will be suitably behaved.”

“It's not you that
had to explain your little church stunt,” Andre moaned.

“Andre, you're our
agent. You get paid to take the flack,” Paige replied and crossed
her arms. “What's the point of an agent if he wants us to be school
prefects. Your job is to explain away our silliness.”

“Don't I know it,”
he grumbled and sighed, before wishing the band the best of
luck.

“I'm nervous,”
Claire admitted and held out her arms to hug their naked agent,
squeezing him tightly. “We've not played to this many people
before.”

“We played to
millions on the 'net,” Jack told her optimistically, but Paige was
answering her phone and Claire wasn't listening as she hugged
Andre.

“Hello?” Paige
answered and then swore as Hazel's voice came through the
handset.

“I'm sorry, we
can't get to Wembley.”

“Why not? I left
tickets for everyone and …”

“Yes, it's not
that,” Hazel interrupted her. “There is a protest downstairs …
about you.”

“Christian
Outrage?”

“Yeah. Them.”

“They are outside
Wembley not … why have two?”

“I don't know but
the Police are here and they have told us to stay inside while they
try and break it up, but it's been going on for an hour now so we
won't make it.”

Paige snorted.
“Right. I'm not having that.”

“Paige. It's
fine,” the voice of her mother cried. “You are doing another
concert in a couple of days time. We'll see you then. This is just
because of the silly stunt you did in Southend.”

“No. I don't like
them going for my family. They can do one if they think that's OK.
I'm …”

“Paige, don't do
anything silly.” Her mother begged as Claire gestured towards Paige
with a tap of her wrist.

“I gotta go. We're
due on stage. I'll catch up with you soon.”

“Paige …” Her
mother cried, but her daughter was gone.

The three of them
held hands as the compère spoke on stage, and they waited
patiently. They had been waiting in the wings for five minutes and
Paige squeezed both her friend's hands. “You OK?” Jack asked, and
she nodded.

“It's scary,” she
told him. “I feel like I'm on the top of a whopping big
rollercoaster. I know it's going to be scary, fun and incredible at
the same time.”

“Hey,” Jack told
her. “We've done this loads of times before. It's our music, we'll
just follow your lead. We haven't done a bad gig.”

“Always time for a
first,” she muttered. Jack gestured to her for a hug, and he
squeezed her tight. She kissed him on the cheek and then embraced
Claire.

Paige was deafened
by the roar from the crowd as they strode onto the stage, looking
more confident than they felt. She waved her hands and beamed as
lightbulbs flashed around her and she picked up the microphone in
the centre of the stage.

She turned around
to display her bare ass to the crowd as she watched Jack and Claire
get settled and then turned to face the audience. “Nice ass,” a
lone voice cried. “And a nice rack.”

“Thank you,” Paige
said to laughter in the front row. “And nice coat.” She shrugged,
and there was some commotion at the end of the stage. She turned as
a young woman, dressed in shorts and T-shirt squirmed past the
security guards and ran onto the stage, aiming to hit Paige.

Paige ducked, and
the woman screeched. “This is an outrage. You are all going to
hell. Paige Simmons will be tortured by the devil himself. This is
depravity. This is an outrage.” The woman lurched towards Paige
again, but the lead singer was able to subdue her with a well aimed
blow to the stomach that caused a large cheer to come from the
audience. She dropped the microphone and went to strike the
protester again when the security guards pounced, and stopped
her.

“This is Christian
Outrage,” Paige shouted to the crowd. “My family – my brother,
sister, mother and father – can't be here tonight because this
bunch of religious nutters have attacked our family home. They are
locked inside their home because these lowlifes hate me. Not my
family, but me. So they go after my family.” Paige shouted and
picked up the microphone from the floor.

“They preach
hate,” Paige yelled and opened her arms. “Outside you saw them as
you came in. They don't understand naturism, and they don't
understand me, so they do nothing but hate us and attack us.”

“You are going to
hell,” the woman shouted as she was led away. “This is the work of
Satan.”

“I don't care
about you, or Satan or anything about you,” Paige yelled. “To
Christian Outrage – the bunch of nutters – I dedicate this song to
you.” She nodded towards Jack and Claire. “Even My Dog Wants You
Dead.”

* *
* * *

“That's on your
best behaviour?” Andre shouted at Paige. “You are the first item of
every news bulletin, and probably on Page 1 of every newspaper. And
Page 3, is that what you want?”

“Well Flee didn't
mind. She quite liked it. She is so awesome,” Paige crooned. “Ahhh
… she is just so … chilled. I want to be like her.”

“Yes, I would
quite like you to be like her too. And I know you have a lot of
anger in you Paige, but seriously, if you want to make it to the
top, you need to leave some of this teenage aggression behind.”

“Well Flee thought
it great,” Paige snapped.

“You have got her
show more publicity than she could ever imagine.”

“Yeah … and?”

“Paige. You are
playing Sue Garratt's game. She is using you to get publicity for
her cause.”

“But … she's
attacked my family,” the angry girl shouted. “She's wound me up. I
am not having that.”

“She's winning,”
Andre said calmly. “I see it all the time. She wanted a reaction,
and you gave her one.”

“She'll be getting
a lot more if she does it again,” Paige yelled back at him. “I'll
…”

“No,” Andre
shouted. “Just listen. It's not going to get better while you are
getting angry. She's … well, you are doing everything she wants you
to.” He looked at Claire who slipped her hand into his and squeezed
it.