The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 2 (22 page)

Darwin wanted to protest the decision as soon as he saw Minx’s face in order to assure Minx that there was no reason for them to not take the cause up, but he wasn’t in charge of the group this time, and his instincts told him that Kitchens’ rejection was the right decision.

“Oh, don’t be so hasty to refuse, young one. I’m willing to say that we can double, even triple, the tournament’s winnings if you’ll just say
yes
,” the King pushed again. “Please don’t make this humble old man beg further, but I will if I must.”

“I’ll go,” Kass said. “I don’t speak for Darwin, but if it’s to stop people from getting hurt, I’ll gladly go.”

Darwin wanted to facepalm. She didn’t understand at all why Kitchens had refused. These so-called bandits obviously didn’t just take from the people: they fed off the people. In order for them to exist in the form the King was describing, they had to have a sponsor. A small group of fighters capable of evading the grasp of a large empire has to be able to move through people like a worm through the earth, leaning on them for support and feeding off their energy. There was a good chance that this was less a group of bandits and more a group of guerilla fighters. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be any explanation for why they hadn't been stamped out already after a decade.

“Well, if big sis is going, then I’m going with her! Okay, big sis?” Minx said stubbornly, still upset that Kitchens had turned down her ‘unique quest.’ “We can beat them up together! You can beat people up, right?”

“It looks like I will have to reconsider my choice, King Robin. I suppose I will be going after all,” Kitchens said, looking at the dregs in his cup of tea with a frown.

“That is good news! And what of you, young swordsman?” the Panda King said, slapping his belly as he cheered, “Will you also join our three brave souls in their quest?”

Darwin, like Kitchens, couldn’t help but frown as he agreed. “I suppose I will join them as well.”

“Then, since you are all agreed, let me show you the root of the problem.” The King waved over the attendant again. This time, instead of tea or cookies, she brought a large, rolled-up scroll. She didn’t hand it to the King, but laid it out on the stone table instead, placing tiny, black pebbles on all four corners of the tan map to hold it in place. “This, my young adventurers, is where our city is.” The King took a red pebble out of the sleeves of one of his robes and placed it on a picture that was a strikingly well done representation of the giant city they were in, except it had a snake-like dragon drawn above it. “And this,” he said, placing a white pebble on a fogged-out section of the mountain, “is where our problem begins.”

“Is the problem still there?” Kitchens asked.

“That is the case for now, but we are worried that if they sense us moving, they will switch locations again.”

“I see,” Darwin nodded. “So it may turn out to be a scavenger hunt as much as a kill quest?”

“You could say that; but, if you act fast, there shouldn’t be a problem. This is a rather new base for them, only a few days old, and they don’t often switch hideouts more than once every other month. We timed the tournament based on our findings concerning their move.”

“Are there any compliant villages nearby?” Kitchens asked.

“Ah, you are an intuitive one. Yes, these villages,” the King said, placing two more white pebbles on the map over towns next to the base, “have both been known to aid them. We don’t believe it is anything more than food and supplies in exchange for a portion of their lootings, but if you are to attack them . . .” The panda gave a slight shrug as if to say that casualties could not be helped.

He concealed information until we pried. What questions have we not asked correctly?
Darwin thought, finding himself growing more and more suspicious of the panda. It may have been unwarranted to some degree--the panda may genuinely have been a good man concerned about his people--but the honey from his words hung so sweet in comparison to what he was used to hearing from strangers that it made him not trust the message he was expected to swallow.
Kass, what did you get us into,
he complained to himself, exchanging a frown with Kitchens.

“We should have asked him more questions. For some reason, I feel that we are missing key pieces of information,” Darwin said, standing up first. The questions may have revealed more important information about the task, but it was unlikely that any further information the panda gave wouldn’t be just as misleading as it was helpful.

“Indeed,” Kitchens said, standing up as well, Kass following suit. “Kass, was it? Please accept the party invite so we can depart immediately.”

“Wait wait! What about the armory? I want new daggers first! Let’s go shopping first! I bet they have super cute boots there!” Minx said as she stood up.

“We’ll have time to check out the armory on the way back. We don’t want to worry the kind King by taking too long, do we?”

“No. No no, ‘kay ‘kay, let’s go go,” Minx said, practically jumping in place. “A super secret, special quest! With new friends!”

While he thought no-one was looking, Darwin grabbed the remaining cookies and put them in his inventory. The King, having spotted him and then catching him with direct eye contact, raised a finger to his mouth as if to say, ‘I won’t tell if you don’t,’ while Darwin finished stashing away the chocolate chip delights. Even if it felt like the old man was trying to pull one over on him, he just couldn’t help but kind of like the guy.

“Yeah, let’s get a move on,” Kass also nodded. “I’m ready when you guys are.”

“We might as well. I’m not sure how much time we have left after all,” Darwin thought aloud, considering how if they stayed away from the village too long, it might be hard for the Scouts to find him; but, for some reason, he was confident that Alex’s team would never have a problem tracking him down.

“Are you as concerned as I am?” Kitchens asked Darwin quietly as soon as they were out of earshot of the King.

“Yeah. I have a feeling they aren’t bandits,” Darwin said, nodding and keeping the conversation between them hushed as the two girls in front of them giggled and laughed back and forth like they were actually sisters.

“Mhmm. Should we tell them?” Kitchens asked, nodding towards the ladies.

“No. I think saying anything now might just cause unnecessary problems,” Darwin weighed in.

“And if it is as we fear?” Kitchens pressed the matter.

“I won’t be a butcher--not for small change and trinkets,” Darwin stated with no uncertainty in his voice. This was not a matter he would budge on.

“Even if it’s just NPCs?” Kitchens continued to play the devil’s advocate.

“Do you honestly think they are
just
NPCs?” Darwin certainly didn’t.

“Point. NPCs or not, it wouldn’t feel right,” Kitchens agreed while both of them watched what appeared to be Kass and Minx playing an impromptu game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

“Yeah. They’re more lifelike than people as you can see by that mischievous King,” Darwin said.

“We don’t know if he’s mischievous yet. He could still be an honest leader.”

“You think so?” Darwin asked, chuckling a bit as Minx’s face went red and her hand gestures insinuated that Kass must have cheated to win.

“No, but I’ll hold my reservations for now.”

“Fair enough. So are we just going to go al . . .” Darwin stopped. His concern about the StormGuard Alliance came back in the form of scouts. He had to just stop and stare as Daniel, Mclean and Valerie swooped down and landed a few feet away to greet them.

“Greetings, Great Lord Darwin,” Valerie said, bowing. “We were on our way to return to the boat when we saw you, so we thought we would report directly to you first.”

Darwin did his best not to grin as he looked at Daniel.
You still haven’t told her yet?
he tried to say to him with his expression. “That’s great news, Valerie, and good timing. Kass and I are about to take care of a small bandit issue in the area, and time is of the essence. So, do you mind taking your report to Alex with an extra message from me?”

Valerie lifted her head and nodded, “Of course, Great Lord Darwin. We’d be happy to pass along an additional message.”

“We can even join you after the message is delivered if you like. Will you need assistance with the task?” Daniel asked.

“You’re welcome to, but I don’t think we will. Unless Alex has something for you that you feel up to, I suggest you three have fun and explore the town,” Darwin responded.

“Thanks, Chief,” Daniel said, eliciting a slap on the shoulder from Valerie. “I mean, thanks, Great Lord Darwin,” he corrected himself after the slap, trying as hard as Darwin and Kass not to crack up.

“Great. I need you to tell him where we’ll be when he’s got everything done or if he needs us,” Darwin said, signaling for Kitchens to pull out the map he had taken from the table earlier. “We’re going to be somewhere between here and this town. We may have to search around this area, but it shouldn’t be hard to find us.”

“I don’t think it’s ever hard to spot you in a crowd,” Daniel added, this time dodging the shoulder slap from Valerie for not adding in a proper title.

“Great,” Darwin said, wanting to ask more about the spot they found. but deciding that it would hold them up too much. “I better hear that you guys enjoyed yourself in the town.”

“Got it, Boss,” Daniel said, taking off first. The other two quickly followed his lead. 

When they finally flew off, Minx and Kitchens both stared at Darwin.

“Ummm . . .” Minx twisted her head both ways as if she were trying to see the image inside a Magic Eye 3D picture. “Why did they call you ‘Great Lord Darwin’? Do you have a church?”

“I do believe something of an explanation is owed,” Kitchens said, “but if you don’t feel the need, we can continue on.”

Kass, now actually letting a bit of a laugh escape, was clearly having a hard time not answering on Darwin’s behalf. Minx did well for Kass’s mood. She had often been quite serious lately, but now she was laughing and joking around again.
Minx’s humor and attitude must be contagious.
“There isn’t that much need for an explanation. I run a faction called the StormGuard Alliance, and that girl insists on formalities just because some of the other members do.”

“Ah, so you’re not the church kind, but the castle kind of lord? Do you get butlers? Do your butlers have to dress up super funny with the penguin outfits?” Minx started firing off questions one after the other.

“Minx, I’m just me. The swordsman, remember? Now, let’s get going.”

“Actually, Darwin, where is Fuzzy Wuzzy? It’s not like you to travel without him.”

“Oh, Fuzzy Wuzzy . . . I think Alex put him to work with the Turtle-Wolves lifting and moving stuff around the ship. He said having Fuzzy Wuzzy help him with the lifting was like having ten or twenty extra Turtle-Wolves.” Darwin did miss Fuzzy Wuzzy, but for some reason he had a feeling that if the bear were here, he’d end up just being a ridable mount for Minx the Lynx.

“Turtle-Wolves?” Kitchens asked.

“They are just as the name sounds,” Darwin said without really answering him.

“Ah.” Kitchens’ face still looked confused, but Minx, who had overheard the question and answer, was already pretending to be on her back and unable to get up--or at least doing the best impression she could from a standing position.

“Anyways, enough dilly dallying. I’m curious how this quest will turn out,” Darwin said as the four departed.

“I as well,” Kitchens agreed, and the four carried back on towards the gate. Then, quietly, he whispered to Darwin, “I’m also curious to see if you’ll end up sharing your chocolate chip cookies with Minx along the way.”

“What? You saw that?” he laughed.

“You lack patience with your stealth,” Kitchens lectured.

Alex would have been stealthy enough to get away with it,
Darwin thought, upset that his Job Class had no benefits in the art of being unseen.

“Should I tell Minx you have them?” Kitchens threatened, the smile betraying his intent.

“How many do you want to keep silent?” Darwin asked while trying to guess what Minx was actually pretending to be now with all the gesticulations.

“Hmm, two,” he flatly demanded.

“That . . . That’s half!” Darwin almost yelled in surprise at the extortion, but did his best to keep his voice as muted as possible.

“Oh, well in that case, M--”

“Fine. Here. Are you happy with yourself?”

“Of course. I got chocolate chip cookies,” Kitchens said with a smile. Their suspicious quest had just begun, and already Darwin had managed to get conned.

Kass
:

              Kass found herself laughing the more and more she talked to Minx. It was like ten pixie sticks worth of a sugar rush had been rolled up in a busty, five-foot girl and given the personality of a high schooler who just got her first part in a play and her first boyfriend at the same time. Who couldn’t smile while talking to her? It quickly made sense how Darwin had managed to get snagged up and pushed into their quest with this pair--because it was fun. In fact, it had been so fun goofing off and talking to Minx that she hadn’t even noticed the time fly by. Truthfully, she never realized how long they had been because they reached their destination in what seemed like no time.

              “Is that a . . .” Darwin said from behind her, his eyes pinpoint focused on the opening in the wall of the mountain where the marker on the map had lead them.

              Kass facepalmed as she saw it. “Yes. Yes, Darwin. It looks just like a silver ore mine.”

              “Think we’ll have any Turtle-Wolves?” Darwin wondered. “Maybe even another polar bear playing poker?”

              “Is that where you met your faction members?” Kitchens asked. “A silver ore mine?”

              “What? Oh, no, the Turtle-Wolves aren’t members of the faction,” Kass tried her best to explain without saying they were undead monsters, “They’re more like . . . helpers?”

              “Ah, you can hire helpers?” Kitchens seemed to ask more questions than he gave answers.

              “I wouldn’t know how we got them,” Kass decided to shift the responsibility of the impromptu Q&A session on to Darwin. “He’s the one who obtained them. Ask him.”

              “Well?” Kitchens pressed.

              “Trade secret. Only faction members are allowed to know,” Darwin said with a grin.

             
That’s not fair. You can’t just dodge questions, old man. Even I want to know how the Zombie skill works,
Kass thought angrily at Darwin who just kept his grin up.

              “Now, if you were to, say, join the faction . . . perhaps I could tell you a few of its secrets,” Darwin continued to Kass’s surprise. He had only ever recruited people who had asked him to join. He had never actually gone out and sought new members actively. True enough, he had supposedly given a big speech one time to the NPCs that riled them up and pulled them into the faction, but they had already been under his command. He had just sealed the deal.

              “Does the faction come with dental?” Kitchens asked.

              “Afraid not. Too many canines in the mix with all the Turtle-Wolves. The bill would be hell,” Darwin joked back.

“Hmm,” Kitchens took on a serious pensive look then, glancing over at Minx for a moment before looking back at Darwin, said, “Do you have a good daycare program?”

Wait, is she his daughter? I mean, she acts like a kid, but is she actually?
Kass thought, scrambling mentally to try to figure out how old the little one was. In her mind, she had placed her at somewhere between six and fourteen, but she still couldn’t put her finger on it. Now, with the daycare comment, it was starting to lean a lot more heavily towards six or eight.

“We have a lot of children in the faction, actually,” Darwin answered, causing Kitchens to look a bit surprised. “Some are pretty much infants.”

He hasn’t figured out that all but four of us are NPCs, has he?
she thought.
So if they joined, we’d have one group that thinks the players are NPCs and another group that thinks the NPCs are players,
she mused to herself.

“I see. Well, I’ll certainly think about it,” Kitchens answered.

“Minx wants to join!” Minx interrupted the two of them talking. “Can we? Can we?” she asked excitedly, although with Minx it was hard to tell if she was more excited than normal or not.

“Not yet, Minx. Let’s decide after the quest,” Kitchens said, putting his hand on her head. “Let’s be a little patient.”

“But mister is really nice, and big sister is fun. I want to group with them more!” Minx insisted again.

“Well, if you still want to join after the quest, we will. Okay, Minx?” Kitchens said, rubbing her head and messing up her hair with his hand.

“‘Kay ‘kay.” She didn’t put up a fight. “But remember after that you promised.”

“I will,” he assured her. “Promise.”

Yep. We got two more members,
Kass laughed to herself. Most of the time when she joined guilds, they stayed the same size or tended to get smaller. Unless it was one of the big server raid groups, there wasn’t a lot of draw for people to join one. In fact, it was rather the opposite: small groups would fracture inside of a guild, and then the whole group would end up breaking up into a series of separate entities based around the cliques. This guild was starting to turn out different though. Rather than one large organized body fracturing into cliques, it was more like a group of cliques, like Valerie’s three White-Wings, were coming together to form a large, organized body.

“Do you want to risk, you know, just walking in?” Darwin asked the others. “I actually don’t have any idea of how strong the bandits we’re going to fight are. We could ask around, get some intelligence, figure things out from there, or we can just walk in. What do you guys think?”

“Ugh, talky talky so boring. Only old people go to the movies to watch people talk,” Minx said, running ahead of the other three.

“She’s very decisive,” Kass noted before chasing after her. Darwin and Kitchens must have taken their time--they seemed to like dragging behind her and Minx--because she didn’t hear them following after her.

That said, she probably should have also taken her time when navigating the torchlit ore mine and waited for backup. She didn’t make it more than thirty feet into the dungeon before she found Minx standing still and staring at a wall of four enemies, each with a bow pointed at her.
Never a dull moment with this kid, is there?

As Kass looked at the four Human archers, she noticed two of them had already switched from Minx to her, training the arrows on her vital spots. “So,” she said, raising her hands like it was a western, “why haven’t you fired the arrows?”

“I don’t know about the other gentlemen here,” the tallest of the four archers said, “but I typically find it bad luck to kill a woman and child in cold blood.”

Kass should have just been happy with the development, but the sexist mark really angered her.  “What? Because a woman and child can’t take care of themselves? I’ll have you know I’m just as tough as any man!”

“I’m sure of that, lass, but I mean to say that if you kill a woman or child in cold blood it always comes with some scary, angry man attached. That’s what I mean to say by ‘it’s bad luck,’” he explained.

“Guys kind of like us, you mean?” Darwin asked, walking in fashionably late with Kitchens.

“Yeah, kind of like you two. Except, if the lasses here were dead, I imagine you’d be angry.”

“You’re right on that.”

“See there, lass? It wasn’t sexist: it was reasonable,” the archer said, feeling rather proud of himself.

“Well, actually,” one of the other archers looked over at him, “it still is kind of sexist. Your statement is kind of implying that either women don’t seek revenge, or you’re not afraid of an angry woman coming after you for seeking vengeance.”

“Oh, that’s true. That would be sexist, but only if you accept one of those implications. It could be that only a woman and a child were present, so I merely felt no need to add in an adult male, an absent demographic, to the considerations when formulating my response to the lass’s questions. Maybe I don’t kill in cold blood at all if I can avoid it,” the archer reasoned further.

“Well, it still is kind of demeaning to women to narrow them out by their gender and not other qualifications though, don’t you think?” a third archer from the group of four chimed in. “I mean, is her defining characteristic really the fact that she’s a girl? You could have said, ‘I don’t kill dagger-wielders or mages.’ So, why did you pick women and children? Seems a bit ageist and sexist, you have to admit.”

“Well if I did that, you’d get on to me for being classist or weaponist, now wouldn’t you?” the first archer, the one defending himself, said.

“You could just say you don’t kill people. You don’t have to separate them, you know,” the fourth archer said, joining the discussion. The entire time they were bickering though, Kass found herself baffled. On one hand, she should probably be scared that a loose finger or slip of the hand might cause a good amount of pain. On the other hand, however, there was something decidedly unintimidating about a group of men arguing over what was or wasn’t politically correct when describing how they don’t kill people.

“Well, how cool would that be? There isn’t really a ring to, ‘I find it to be bad luck to kill people in cold blood,’” he protested.

“There you go again with separating people. How do you know she’s got cold blood? Does she have scales? Seems like you’re gonna end up being offensive to the Reptilians there.”

“Fair point, fair point,” one of the other archers, not the one defending himself, agreed. “You really should just stick with: ‘I don’t like to kill people.’ I think it’s your best bet if you don’t want to be offensive.”

“Ummm,” Kass decided to join the conversation. “You could say when you don’t like to kill people? It might add some pizazz and effect to it. For example, ‘I don’t like to kill people on an empty stomach.’ I don’t know when you ate. That might or might not be a lot scarier than just saying you don’t like to kill people, but it’s definitely more interesting.”

“Lady is right. For sure. Go ahead, Reginald. Give it a try. See how it feels. If you like it, it might stop you from being so offensive next time.”

“Fine! Fine! I’ll give it a try,” he shouted at the other archer. Then, true to his word he tried out the line: “I wouldn’t take one step closer, or I’ll have to kill you, and I don’t like to kill on an empty stomach.” He paused for his moment and then started nodding his head. “That really worked. I mean, I felt that one. Did you guys feel that one?”

“Yeah, it was pretty awesome. Felt tight. Really had me going there, Reggy.”

“For sure. It fit you like a glove. See, you don’t have to be offensive to have a solid line,” he said to his buddy and then turning to Kass, “Thanks, miss, for helping him out.”

“No problem, I guess? Does this mean you’re not going to shoot me?”

“Oh, heavens to Betsy, no. We still have to kill you if you move an inch closer. Rules and all,” he shrugged. “But, if it makes you feel better, I’ll feel super terrible while I do it.”

“Well, you could show us the door or force us to fight you . . .” Darwin did his usual pause for dramatic effect in the middle of a conversation, “Or, you could let us talk to you about how we can help with your King problem.”

King problem? I thought they were a problem to the King, not the other way around. What is Darwin talking about?
Kass wondered as the archers untrained the bows slowly and then all at once put them up.

“Alright, we’ll take you to the boss, but no funny business. One slip up from any of you, and they’ll cut our rations. I’d rather not sink what little money I have left into belts.”

“You’ve got nothing to fear. I wasn’t born with a good sense of humor,” Darwin assured the worried archer.

“Are you sure about that? I mean, have you seen how you dress?” one of the archers asked Darwin as the group of eight started walking deeper into the silver ore mine. “There is no way you picked that outfit without a sense of humor.”

“Right? Seriously, man. If you weren’t intending that to be funny, then that outfit is a desperate cry for help,” Reginald joined in.

“I like my outfit,” Darwin said, looking down at his bathrobe. “It’s comfy.”

“Well, at least someone does.” The archers’ attacks were relentless.

“The boss might too, I caught him wearing white in the winter,” Reginald laughed. “His tastes might be just as bad as yours.”

I really hope I never sound like them,
Kass thought to herself, remembering all the times she had teased one of her friends about their outfits.
I really, really hope that I never sound like that.

“Mister, mister! Don’t listen to them. You look cool. Super styles!” Minx said, pulling on Darwin’s bathrobe.