The Best You'll Ever Have (21 page)

Let’s Go Beyond the Buzz

Sex toys aren’t just for the clitoris. Rounding out the remainder of the Safina catalog, and my personal view of what every woman should know about, consider the following items for your pleasure and delectation:

TUSH TOYS

Tush stimulators are often called “butt plugs” because of the flared base and often stubby shape. The name sounds a little harsh, but that flared base will keep the toy from slipping all the way into the tush (you don’t want anything to get lost in there unless you enjoy saying, “Take me to the emergency room”). The stubby fireplug part, upon insertion in the butt, is typically designed to hit the main nerve endings in the outer inches of the rectum.

Besides plugs, the other main tush toy category is “anal beads,” plastic or metal balls secured on a string, which can be inserted one at a time and then pulled out slowly at key moments (e.g., on the verge of orgasm).

DILDOS

I call the toys in this category “No Moving Parts.” Not every Safina Sexory is battery operated or needs to be plugged into an outlet. Dildos are usually shaped like a penis. Many people use dildos that don’t vibrate in the tush or in the vagina in conjunction with clitoral stimulation. Dildo harnesses, like underwear with a hole to put the dildo through, are made for both sexes. Women might wear a harness to stimulate their partner’s prostate while doing a little role-playing. Your partner might wear the harness if you can’t wait for him to recover from an orgasm. Seems like a lot of trouble to me, but whatever floats your boat rocks. Besides standard phallic-shaped dildos, we have a few curved glass or Lucite G-spot stimulators.

TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN

Bondage is a scary word, but issues of dominance and submission are a part of almost every relationship to some degree. Did you ever hold your lover’s hands back? Well that’s a hop, skip, and a jump from tying him up with a scarf. There’s some excitement to be had from control and the loss of it. Some people would say that this giving and taking of control is the essence of sex. Tap into this by demystifying the would-be scary world of bondage:

Blindfolds and Cuffs.
Blindfolds come in satin with faux fur lining, leather, or a synthetic material with animal prints. Lots of choice out there. Velcro or buckle cuffs are just as binding but far more comfortable than metal ones with a lock. Even without locks involved, never leave someone who is tied up alone.

Restraints.
This is a serious word for scarves. Or you can get Velcro slipknot ropes that attach to the bed.

Fetish.
I’m sure you’ve heard of people who have a shoe fetish. Most don’t really, unless they need shoes to get off in bed. A fetish or paraphilia means that a person cannot experience sexual excitement without the presence of an object or activity. On a less clinical level, people throw the word around to mean they enjoy latex and rubber clothing, sensory deprivation outfits, or hoods. The most articulate spokesperson on the topic of fetish seems to be the Baroness, a fetish party host and writer in New York City. As she says of her parties, “An occasion to dress is an occasion to overdress.” (For more bon mots, go to
www.baroness.com
.)

Sadism and masochism.
Pain looms large in the thoughts of SM (as it’s called by enthusiasts) players, but most say that their games are really about the power exchange between two people and the fantasy scene they’re acting out. In pure SM make-believe games, there is actually little or no sex involved. First, the participants have a discussion and lay the ground rules, including the choosing of a word that, if spoken, will end the game immediately. I have interviewed dominatrixes (women who are paid to humiliate and/or hit their clients). Their clients tend to have powerful jobs. Being submissive is both a relief and thrill for them. I was told again and again that good SM, like good sex, lives in the mind. Anticipation, suspense, and uncertainty are thoughts, not deeds. SM may not be for you. I’m just throwing it out there, giving you something to think about.

More to the point, Safina carries a limited selection of SM toys for women wanting to try new things. Blindfolds with faux fur lining, patent leather cuffs that look like 1980s Madonna jewelry, and something called a “flogger” that can be used to tease or spank. We don’t carry riding crops right now. Riding crops and other whips can be pretty brutal. You do need to learn what you’re doing before trying advanced accessories. There’s a fine line between SM and abuse. There are books on the subject and even classes throughout the SM community. As I’ve been saying throughout this book, the key to better sex is talking about it with other people, not reinventing the wheel. With SM this is particularly true. For more information check out
SM 101: A Realistic
Introduction
by Jay Wiseman,
The New Bottoming Book
or
The New Topping
Book
both by Janet W. Hardy, Dossie Easton, or the
www.sexuality.org
website. And remember to keep your tie-me-up-and-down activities about safe, consensual fun.

LOTIONS AND POTIONS

Safina offers lots of great edible massage oils, lubes, creams, chocolate body paint, and so on. They feel, smell, and taste GOOD, almost as good as the massage itself.

GAMES

There are a few fun and sexy board games out there that let you (fore)play with your partner. You’ll end up sharing fantasies, making out, and having a laugh as you work your way across the board. There’s even a Kama Sutra board game that will get you into the ancient positions without the tedium of reading the original three-inch thick book. A step beyond the fun of Twister all right.

BOOKS AND VIDEOS

There are hundreds of sex books out in the world. Read everything you can get your hands on. New medical discoveries are being made all the time; new possibilities constantly come out of the closet. And for every new idea or breakthrough, there’ll be a book to explain it. Safina has a few literary selections available, for fun, fantasy, and function. Regarding sexy videos, Safina sells those made by women only. Porn by women is about eroticism as well as sex and is of a higher quality (lighting, attractive stars, a script that has more plot than, say, the cable guy shows up, humps three women and leaves), if still relatively low budget. You might like them the way you like a romance novel, and they might be fun to watch with your partner.

NEW THINGS AT ANY POINT IN YOUR LIFE

Sex toys for good health. There’s a sales pitch you won’t hear at the Dildo Hut. But it’s true, and I’ve come a long way myself to see this truth. Using vibrators will help you to be more reliably orgasmic, thereby aiding in stress relief and flooding your body with healthful natural chemicals. More orgasms = better health. Better health = feeling energetic and happy. Feeling energetic and happy = a hotter you. A hotter you = more dates. More dates = more sex. And so on. Funny that some women may have wrongfully believed that buying a vibrator was going to hurt their motivation to date. HA!

Top Ten Ways a Vibrator Can Change Your Life

You’ve heard that whistling while you work makes the chores
seem lighter.
Consider vibrating while you work with a strap-on gizmo. You will suddenly
love
mopping. Who’d’ve thunk it?

Takes the edge off when between boyfriends.

Takes the edge off when not between boyfriends.

They’re portable. An orgasm is never farther away than a room
with a lock on the door.

A vibrator orgasm gives you a morning lift. Better than coffee!

A vibrator orgasm will lull you to sleep at night. Better than
Tylenol PM!

Many women have their first multiple orgasms with battery-operatedhelp. A vibrator could lead to your breakthrough.

Vibrators never fall asleep before you come.
They don’t snore either.

Your partner has new ways to play with you.
And you with him.

Old speed: zero to orgasm in fifteen minutes.
New speed: zero to orgasm in sixty seconds.

Five Simple Sex Toy Rules to Live By

Put a condom on the sex toy for easy cleanup, but never reuse
a condom or latex glove.

Do not move a sex toy from the anus to the vagina or from the
vagina to the anus (use two different ones or buy two of the
same one and put stickers on them to keep them separate).

Don’t share a sex toy with a partner.
What’s yours is yours; what’s his is his.

Never use silicone-based lube on a silicone sex toy because it
will degrade the toy.

Sex toys are like clothes.
Choose your toy depending on your mood, what fits well that day, and what feels comfortable.

Sex Toy Care and Maintenance

Use warm water and mild soap.
Don’t get the batteries wet. Pat or air dry.

If it is waterproof, you can get the whole thing wet.

Silicone or glass products that don’t have moving parts can be
put in the dishwasher.

Baby wipes often contain chemicals that degrade sex toy
material.
Don’t use them.

Condoms make for easy cleanup.
Condoms really stretch and can be put over odd-shaped toys too.

Afterglow

It doesn’t matter how old or experienced you
are, what religion, orientation, ethnicity, financial status, marital status. Whoever you are, talking openly and honestly about your sex life will improve it. The more you talk, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more confident and comfortable you will become with both the topic of discussion and the act itself (or I should say, “acts themselves”). You’d be surprised how even the smallest piece of information can make a big difference. Even knowing that other women have had similar sexual experiences—good and bad—will be a comfort.
You are not alone!
You’ve never been alone with your concerns and questions about sex. Everything I do now—with my company and this book—is to show women that sharing sexual experiences and information among friends will enrich all of our sex lives (and overall health, if I haven’t fully exhausted that point yet).

The stories below help illustrate my point. Each is true, a confession made to me or to a Safina Specialist at a Salon (with one exception). I call this chapter “Afterglow,” because that’s how I feel after giving a Safina Salon presentation, and apparently, so do the women who attended, telling me, as they pack up their bags, “Wow. That was great for me. Was it good for you too?” My answer is always an unequivocal, “Yes! Yes! YES!!!!!!”