The Best You'll Ever Have (23 page)

“I’ve never had an orgasm.”

Sylvia is a successful attorney in a large firm by day. By evening, she is a Safina Specialist. She believes strongly in the mission of the company, plus she enjoys conducting Salons. The extra income doesn’t hurt. Sylvia has an expensive shoe habit. Selling sex toys on the side keeps her in Jimmy Choos.

At one of her first Salons, Sylvia met Leslie, a 34-year-old woman who confessed that she’d never had an orgasm. She’d been married for ten years, had a 5-year-old son, and was starting to give up hope that she’d ever figure out what all this orgasm fuss was about. She said, “My husband and I have tried every position, every possible oral and manual means. I’ve tried masturbating too. After a while, it starts to hurt, and then there’s no chance in hell it’s going to happen. Sex has become a big letdown. Not just for me, but my husband is also frustrated. I’m on the verge of accepting that I’m never going to have one.” The Salon attendees gave her the good advice to relax and not see orgasm as a goal. Sylvia recommended her favorite combination of Sexories—the Crystal Wand (a curved piece of Lucite designed to hit the G-spot) plus a Blueberry I-Vibe for the clitoris.

Leslie and her husband called Sylvia a week later and left a joint voicemail yelling “THANK YOU” into Sylvia’s answering machine. Leslie had her first orgasm with her new sex toys. She’d had several, actually, and told Sylvia she plans to make up for lost time.

Sylvia replayed the message again and again. She felt like dancing in her Jimmy Choos. “No matter how great Leslie’s orgasm was, it probably wasn’t better than how I felt for being able to help her,” she told me.

“Don’t hate. Masturbate.”

Shameka is another Safina Specialist, dedicated to improving the sex life of every woman she meets. She hosted her first Salon, inviting twenty friends and colleagues, ranging in age from 25 to 35. Shameka asked everyone to talk a little bit about themselves first. A third had kids and all but two were married or had boyfriends. The whole group participated in the discussion from beginning to end, and Shameka was amazed at how much she learned about the women she thought she knew so well.

One woman, Garnetta, had gotten a divorce six years ago and was raising two little kids on her own. Shameka and their mutual friends at the Salon knew that she didn’t have a boyfriend but they assumed she was dating now and then but that she hadn’t met anyone special enough to mention. Garnetta asked if a vibrator would turn her off to men when she finally got another one.

Everyone jumped in with comments on this, “What are you saying, Garnetta? You’re afraid you’ll get hooked on a machine that doesn’t talk back, doesn’t forget to call you, and doesn’t do anything but exactly what you want it to?” And, “I love my vibrators but I love my man too. Find a man with an open mind, and you don’t have to choose.”

Garnetta stopped the crowd from going on, “No, no you don’t understand. I haven’t had sex in a
very
long time.”

“How long?” everyone shouted at once.

“Six years,” Garnetta answered.

There was a hush. Everyone was a little shocked. “Damn,” someone said.

“Don’t feel bad for me,” Garnetta said. “No, no, no. I’m fine. I have a saying, for whenever I think about my ex, and how I haven’t met someone else. I say, ‘Don’t hate, masturbate.’ And you know I feel great. I’d like to meet a good man, but until then I know how to take care of me.”

Twenty women started laughing and chanting Garnetta’s saying. Shameka told her, “I’m so proud of you. Thinking so positively, and going through what you’re going through.” All the women agreed and assured Garnetta that she’d be fine when the right guy came along. Someone suggested the group get t-shirts with her saying on them. It was declared the theme of the night, and a toast to Garnetta was proposed. “To Garnetta our hero—no, our heroine! Think positive! Don’t Hate, Masturbate!”

“Here comes the bride.”

Bridal showers are a good excuse for a Safina Salon. They are always fun, and often touching. Kelly’s best friend Melissa was getting married in a month, and so she had all their childhood and college friends over for an elegant summer barbecue. She made roasted corn salad, grilled salmon, and cookies. The guests were asked to send pictures of the bride in advance. Kelly made a slideshow on her laptop, and she started the Salon with this pictorial review of Melissa’s life. She’s an extremely successful accountant at a large firm and has worked tirelessly at her job while keeping all these wonderful friends. They talked about what it was like when Melissa met John years ago in college and how much they approved of her choice of him.

Then Kelly had each one of their friends go around and tell Melissa their wish for her marriage. Everyone was crying and laughing and smiling at once. One friend said she wished that Melissa would be able to get John out of the habit of putting his muddy mountain bike in the closet with her suits. Another said she wished Melissa would find a way to live with his beer fridge (apparently, the appliance was covered in stickers he’d been collecting since age 18). Another hoped Melissa would always be as happy with John as she had been for the last six years. Their wishes were simple and moving.

When it was Kelly’s turn, she said, “Melissa, what I wish for you, my best friend since second grade, is that you will continue to live your life with all your heart and your fearless passion. You moved across the country to go to school and fell in love with John. You’ve gone through a huge move for your job and John was right there for you with every new adventure. I know you’ll continue to discover new things about each other. More than anything, I’m sure that you keep expanding on your fabulous sex life, that the phrase ‘here comes the bride’ will apply to you for every day of your married life. That’s why I had a Safina Salon for your bridal shower. I hope you’ll enjoy each other in every way you can every single day for the rest of your lives. That is my wish for you.”

What I wish for you

What I wish for you: keep learning, exploring, and
talking about sex. Too many people can tell a stylist
exactly how to cut their hair but can’t tell the partner
who loves them what to do in bed. Communication is
the only trick in this sex book—or any sex book. Great
sex and deep intimacy, you can have it all. But first, try saying three little words: “I was thinking . . .”

So. This is the end. I’ve said enough. It’s time to
close the book. Admire my photo on the back cover for a moment. Make a note of my e-mail address to send
me your thoughts. And then, go put all you’ve learned
into practice.

I wish you the best sex you’ll ever have. Each and
every day. Each and every way.

Sources and Resources

ABOUT THE CLITORIS

Angier, Natalie. 1996. Ideas and trends: Intersexual healing: An anomaly finds a group.
New York Times,
February 4, Week in Review, p.14.

Bartholinus, Thomas. 1651.
Anatomia ex Caspari Bartholini parentis
institionibus.
Paris: Bibliothèque nationale.

Bellinger, Mark F. 1993. Subtotal de-epithelialization and partial concealment of the glans clitoris: A modification to improve the cosmetic results of feminizing genitoplasty.
Journal of Urology
150: 651–53.

Bonaparte, Marie. 1953.
Female Sexuality.
Grove Press, New York, NY.

Caprio, Frank S. 1953.
The Sexually Adequate Female.
Fawcett Gold Medal Books, Greenwich, CT. Reprint 1966.

Chalker, Rebecca. 2000.
Clitoral Truth: The World at Your Fingertips.
Seven Stories Press, New York, NY.

Clitoris Web site:
http://www.the-clitoris.com
.

Coleman, Sarah. 2002. Female parts.
World Press Review,
June 6.

Dally, Ann. 1991.
Women under the Knife: A History of Surgery.
London: Hutchinson Radius.

Edgerton, Milton T. 1993. Discussion: Clitoroplasty for clitoromegaly due to adrenogenital syndrome without loss of sensitivity.
Plastic and
Reconstructive Surgery
91: 956.

Ellis, Albert. 1958.
Sex without Guilt.
Grove Press, New York, NY. Reprint 1965.

Online Etymology Dictionary (for the history of the word “clitoris”):
http://www.Etymonline.com
.

Feibleman, Peter. 1997. Natural causes.
Double Take Magazine.
Winter.
http://www.fictionwriter.com/double.htm
.

Gearhart, John P., Arthur Burnett, and Jeffrey Owen. 1995.

Measurement of evoked potentials during feminizing genitoplasty: technique and applications.
Journal of Urology
153: 486–87.

Gross, Robert E., Judson Randolph, and John F. Crigler. 1966.

Clitorectomy for sexual abnormalities: Indications and technique.
Surgery
59: 300–308.

Kinsey, Alfred C. 1953.
Sexual Behavior in the Human Female.
Pocket Books, New York, NY. 1973 reprint.

Kobelt, G.L. 1884. Die Männlichen und Weiblichen.
Wollusts-Organe des
Menschen und verschiedene Saugetiere.
Paris: Bibliothèque nationale.

Koedt, Anne. 1970.
The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm.
Reprinted in full on the Chicago Women’s Liberation Union Herstory Web site.
http://www.cwluherstory.com/CWLUArchive/classic.htm
.

Litwin, A., I. Aitkin, and P. Merlob. 1990. Clitoral length assessment in newborn infants of 30 to 41 weeks gestational age.
European Journal of
Obstetrics and Gynecology and Reproductive Biology
38: 209–12.

Masters and Johnson. 1966.
Human Sexual Response.
Little, Brown, Boston, MA.

Oberfield, Sharon E., Aurora Mondok, Farrokh Shahrivar, Janice F. Klein, and Lenore S. Levine. 1989. Clitoral size in full-term infants.
American Journal of Perinatology
6: 453–54.

O‘Connell, Helen E. 1998. Anatomical relationship between urethra and clitoris.
Journal of Urology
159: 1892. Synopsis of original article at
http://www.infotrieve.com/freemedline/
.

Randolph, Judson, and Wellington Hung. 1970. Reduction clitoroplasty in females with hypertrophied clitoris.
Journal of Pediatric Surgery
5: 224–30.

University of Melbourne, Department of Anatomy and Cell Biology.
http://www.anatomy.unimelb.edu.au/
.

Williamson, Susan. 1998. The Truth about Women.
New Scientist.
http://www.newscientist.com/ns/980801/women.htm
.

ORGANIZATIONS FOR INFORMATION AND ACTIVISM

Female Genital Cutting Education and Networking Project:
http://www.fgmnetwork.org/index.php
.

Intersex Society of North America (ISNA) is a great resource for information about clitoral “reductions” on infants and children in the United States:
http://www.isna.org/
.

National Organization for Women:
http://www.now.org
.

V-DAY (and
The Vagina Monologues
):
http://www.vday.org/main.htm
.

World Health Organization:
http://www.who.int/health_topics/female_genital_mutilation/en/
.

THE G-SPOT

Gräfenberg, Ernest. 1950. The Role of the Urethra in Female Orgasm.
International Journal of Sexology.
3:3 145–148.

Jones, Nicola. 2002. Bigger is better when it comes to the G spot.
New Scientist,
July 3.
http://www.newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99992495
.