The Book of the Unnamed Midwife (36 page)

“I’m not going to. I’m sure that Honus and I will have a baby that will live. I don’t want it.”

“You might change your mind if you live through another one like this.”

Jodi’s eyes reddened. “That won’t happen again.”

“No. You’re right. Next time, without any help, you’ll probably die. Duty done, punch out. I tried to have babies who would die but instead I did the dying myself. Hang a wreath around me, call me saint. Call me mama.”

Jodi got up so suddenly that her chair shot out behind her. “You’re just jealous! You’re just jealous of me and Honus because you have nobody!”

I could tell her now and it would destroy them both. Take the last thing I know that hasn’t fallen apart and crumble it. For what?

Dusty did not move. She stared into her empty coffee cup. “If only I had my own sexless marriage and dead baby. Then I could be like you. You’re right. You have so much and I wish, Jodi. I wish.”

“Dusty.” Honus spoke to her as though punishment was his to give.

Dad’s mad. Fuck you.
 

“Fuck you both,” she said rising from the table. “Go when you want. I am done giving a shit. Don’t worry about your nightmare, Jodi. Your husband is as uninterested in sex as you are. Save it for procreation. He doesn’t care.”

She walked out of the room and went to the back of the house. She started to pack.

* * * * *

The house was silent. Dusty dreamed of Roxanne, who spoke in Jack’s voice. “Hey, sweets. Let’s walk the bridge?”

“Where are we going?”

“With the chicken.”

She turned around and saw they were on the Golden Gate Bridge, and Chicken was there, holding Joe’s hand.

“To get to the other side,” he said sullenly.

* * * * *

Jodi dreamed of her baby boy. If she sat him down, she could watch him and see him smile. He made sweet little gurgling noise and she ached all over. When she picked him up, she was only holding a twisted-up blanket. She woke up alone in her bed and cried softly until she drifted back out to sleep.

* * * * *

Honus dreamed that he was with Jodi, but Jodi wanted him with the heat and abandon that Dusty had shown. Her belly was round and tight between them and he knew that the child would be a girl.

“We’ll have to sell her.” Jodi was Dusty, her face changed and her voice was no one’s. Her lips didn’t move. “If we sell her she’ll be safe.”

“We can’t do that.”

“We can do it in Mexico.” Jodi was naked, but out of reach. Receding. Receding. Out of reach.

* * * * *

Somehow the three of them knew that today would be the day. At first light they were all up and making ready.

Jodi found Dusty in the pantry.

“Hey, I was going to pack up most of this, since you guys are headed to Huntsville. But if there’s anything you want, you can have it.”

“You hate powdered eggs anyways.”

Dusty did not turn to face her. “I do. You can definitely have those. The Ovaltine, too.”

“Hey. Dusty?”

She turned this time.

“Nevermind.” Jodi left the kitchen.

I never did.

Dusty walked back to her room and passed Honus in the hallway. He was carrying a bag out to the front porch. It looked as though the Obermeyers were packing light.

Dusty grabbed a rifle and a box of shells and followed him out.

“Take this.”

“I don’t need it.”

“You don’t know what you’ll need. Maybe you’ll hunt with it.”

He took it uncertainly and gently set the butt of it down on the ground. “I don’t know how to use it.”

“Jodi does. I taught her the basics. Just take it, ok?”

“Ok.”

She stalked back in. When she came into the living room, she was ready to go. She was carrying more than she wanted to and she knew she would not go far today.

Honus had his hand on Jodi’s shoulder. “Go ahead.”

Jodi looked sullen. “I… should thank you. You probably did save my life. Thank you. Like really, thank you.”

Dusty looked from Jodi to Honus. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s just what I do. You also don’t have to do anything Honus tells you. Not now, not ever. He needs you way more than you need him. Think about that.”

She turned to him, suddenly. “Could you leave us alone for a minute? Just step out on the porch. One sec.” She turned back to Jodi without waiting for an answer. Dismissed by Dusty’s eyes, Honus stepped out.

She pulled a brick of plastic cartridges out of her bag. “This is enough birth control for three years. You just take one a day. It’s very simple.”

Jodi did not reach for the banded bundle. “I told you, I’m not going to-“

“Listen, listen. Just listen to me for one second and then you won’t ever have to do it again. Something bad is going to happen. I guarantee it will. Probably it’s going to happen to Honus, and you’re going to have to deal with a lot of guys. Maybe they’ll be ok, maybe they won’t.”

“It won’t! You don’t know.”

Dusty glared. “Fine then, I’m crazy and nothing has changed and you’ll be in charge of bake sales forever. In case you’re not, hide these somewhere. And if you end up with someone who isn’t Honus, maybe who isn’t a nice person, you have the option to not go through this again. Or maybe if you and Honus are unlucky again, you’ll want to take a year or two off from this horror. Or give it to Patty when she gets her blood. Just fucking take them. Take them. Just to remind yourself that you have the option. Ok?”

Jodi accepted them finally, and when she looked up Dusty could see she was crying. “You don’t understand. It isn’t going to be like that. Everything’s going to be…” Jodi lost her breath, strangling to hold in sobs.

“Wonderful. Everything is wonderful. Be careful, Jodi. Keep your eyes open.” The impulse to hug her was strong, despite everything. She was tired of them, but still it tore a little.

Honus came back in and Jodi went out. She did not say goodbye.

As soon as the door closed, Honus took Dusty in his arms. He crushed her to him and she was turned on, all the way up, instantly ready. He kissed her and she shook. She pulled back from him, disgust beginning to well up within her.

“Come with us. Please come with us. Don’t let it end like this. We’ll work it out.”

“Honus, don’t embarrass yourself. We’re done here.”

His face went white.

“Look, you’re a coward. You’ll never really be honest with Jodi, not about you or me or anything else. You don’t know how. I think you married her so that you’d never have to try too hard.”

“That’s not why.”

“Shhh. Almost done. What I told you will happen, about someone trying to take her from you, that’s going to happen. That will happen soon. Watch your back, don’t go on any mysterious errands or hunting trips. Don’t trust anyone. Remember that you have the one thing that everyone wants.”

He was shaking his head, grinning. “I knew you loved me. I knew it. You wouldn’t be so worried if you didn’t.”

“That’s not why.”

“Why, then? Why do you even care?” He smiled like a man who knows he has won.

“Because you’re both helpless. This is like helping a kitten get out of a tree. It’s not love, it’s pity. Just try to stay alive, ok?”

Smile gone, he reached out to take her hand. She had cut her hair down to nothing and bound and bundled. She shifted her pack on to her shoulders and ignored his gesture.

“Come on, Dusty. Come on.”

She looked back to him and put her hand out. He held it awkwardly and they stared at one another.

After a moment, he let go. She adjusted her pack and headed to the door. The house seemed dingy with their shared life. Outside of it, she felt the twin dawning of loneliness and relief.

“You know where we’ll be.” Honus raised his hand in farewell.

“I know. Goodbye.” She turned her back and started to walk. They watched her a minute before turning to head to Huntsville.

* * * * *

The Obermeyers were welcomed warmly at the stake center. Nothing was made of their absence and they were not asked to explain it. Less than a dozen in Huntsville had survived. Jodi was the third woman. The ratio of men to women was closer, but competition had increased. Close living quarters and desperation had made the congregation touchy and ragged.

Bishop Lewis was jealous of Patty to the point that no one saw her. She was as closeted as she had ever been, and spent her days sewing and mending for the household. Sister Sterling told Jodi first when the day came that following summer that Patty had gotten her first period. Jodi’s thoughts ran to the untouched brick of pills Dusty had given her, but she said nothing.

Jodi miscarried twice that year. Both times it was early, and she had told no one. She put them out of mind as hard late periods. Not children. Just blood. Just cramps and a few tired days.

Two more suicides slipped out in the night. Bishop Lewis was furious and began setting a night watch so that no one could get away from the house they all shared. The house was old, built more than a hundred years before. Young men were bunked together in twos and threes in the old servants’ quarters. Jodi and Honus had a small room to themselves close to the master suite.

They were the first to know when Lewis started having sex with Patty. The crying went on and on, even when the shrieking had stopped.

The night watches failed and little by little people dispersed. Two young men one night and three the next. The weather was warming up and they were close to other small towns where they knew they could settle.